Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

(*It isn't me. I'm not that funny)

and yeh thanks @SortingItOut - Mr Local is definitely, definitely fun. In fact, he is the highlight of the week most weeks!

@HairyArsedMan ah don't worry, it wasn't really that you are obviously too nice to resort to that sort of fuckery, I get that you are a decent guy - rather it is the fact that other wiser women on here obviously don't believe that sort of transparent flattery for a second which makes me feel utterly thick! In my defence if I tell a guy he is fit, or compliment a friend on looking amazing, I always mean it, or else I'd find something else to say, so I guess I am just going off my own instincts. Ironic that I've worked in PR for years and can't spot spin isn't it?

I hope your dilemma is sortable @HairyArsedMan xxx

@UtterSocks

Someone who sets up a real life date with a real life person (knowing they will take time out of their busy lives to schedule it in) then disappears is a nutcase or a controlling s*bag who targets everyone, it really isn’t just you.

I’m generally quite reserved in early contact and “less is more” till we’ve met in person - I’ve still been stood up once or had irons cancel late at the last minute which is often the same thing!

I often try to do a checking in message to confirm now on the day and I’ve sometimes got “oh, it’s not on” back.

If the system is you’re meeting a lot of strangers without any pre-existing social validation then you’re going to encounter the occasional flaky/rude/weird one. It’s just the way it is?

I was on POF a few years ago and someone cancelled at the last minute by message

then insisted on a weird overemotional phone call in which he was almost “claiming I was really sad and disappointed ” - I was just slightly annoyed.

as if he then wanted to tell himself he was some alpha male and I was pining for him/heartbroken? Really weird guy.

But on the whole I think the benefits of meeting new people on apps outweighs the negatives so just keep on at it

Mr Castle is back on, he had a wobble because of the news, had a proper conversation with me and is coming for a takeaway.

I'm going to be very cautious, the plan for this was just FWB anyway. Keep me accountable gang

Personally, I like being called a "lovely lady", beautiful, sexy (usually only that last one after we've met and, er, sealed the deal though). But I take it for the hyperbole it is.

Aaaaargh.....the COVID excuse that perhaps sometimes isn't an excuse but you can't really call them on it because it really is a serious thing, but then...

A timeline of COVID fucking up my love life:

March: suddenly can't see Mr Shipwreck.Have one date with Mr S[parky and then can't see him again for 2 months- and then for a socially distant walk. This eventually results in never seeing Mr Shipwreck again and spending far too much time thinking Mr Sparky and I were going somewhere, which we weren't;

September: had a nice weekend away planned with Mr BigCityBoy, when my ex came down with "mild COVID symptoms", so couldn't have the kids, so we had to reschedule;

October: Mr BigCityBoy cancels our rescheduled weekend away due to relatives getting symptoms/ other relatives having travelled internationally/ complicated logistics/ paranoia (true or not? Impossible to tell);

Last night: Mr Double Decker is literally on his way to see me when he starts coughing, gets The Fear, and pulls over to tell me he's cancelling. However, having slept on it, he is now confident that it isn't Covid, and is coming over tonight instead.

This is just a little vent; I know that everybody is suffering in some way due to Covid, and that some have had it far harder than me.

I always feel a bit icky if I get called beautiful lady or similar before we've met. It doesn't come across as sincere and would definitely make me raise an eyebrow. I do like a bit of flattery once we've met. But I'd still shudder at beautiful. Because I'm not. Pretty or sexy. Fine.

However I am awful at handing out compliments. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

I binned Mr Surgeon after no contact for 3 days. Matched with a potential yesterday, he asks me what I am looking for and tells me that he is really just on Bumble as a time filler more than anything else as you can't meet anyone. He unmatched me when I said I wasn't looking for a time filler and that you can still meet people (explained how as well). Oh well his loss. Dating is taking more of a back seat for me at the moment while focusing on everything else.
@cravingthelook reviewed my CV for me and told me where I was going wrong (in a lovely way) so hopefully with the new and improved CV I will start to get somewhere.
It has been nearly 3 weeks since Mr Caribbean last tried to call me so I think he has finally got the message that I am not going to unblock him and talk to him

I'm really bad at accepting compliments at the best of times, but definitely not from people I've not even met.

But I also hate being complimented on my looks or figure anyway. What sort of compliment is this? "Well done on your gene pool"?
I'd prefer people to like me as a person, share my values, understand my priorities and respect me for who I am, not what I look like.

But I know that looks is the first step to all of it, so I tolerate it!

For me, it's not so much that the men who do that on old don't mean it - they probably do, they wouldn't be speaking to you at all otherwise - it's more that it tells me a bit about what sort of person they are.

Tbh I’m not that fussed about written/spoken compliments either way - it’s not really something I’d register as a plus or minus, just as a personal style of communication.

MrC commented very positively on my looks every time we’ve met and I quite like it as part of an overall good date (him clearly trying to give a good impression ) but it’s not really been a deal-breaker or deal clincher?

In general I think dating from a man’s point of view is very appearance/presentation/looks orientated (if a woman fits their desired looks they’ll override anything else)

but I don’t think they’ll necessarily verbalise this, more show it in attention etc.

Thanks @Notcoolmum
Will do.

Yes he's always been a dire texter. From the get-go. Learned the hard way not to judge a book by its texting style.
Comms haven't dried up.

I've archived the chat. Made plans for the weekend and started a chat with a new match plus thrown myself into work.

Suspect I'll be a FB for him at best. Get the impression he's not looking for anyone else but I guess he would say that.

Quite like the cool detached approach it's a new experience for me and one I always wished I could do so he's giving me a good tutorial.

@Notcoolmum you'd hate me and Mr Swan then, we literally compliment each other all the time, probably why the lines of our friendship got blurred and why people think we are secretly together and roll their eyes at us. I've learnt it's just his way. He uses compliments to try to show he cares about me. He is defo a words of affirmation guy, so I do it back 😁

Sunday's video call he told me my eyebrows looked en pointe. Last week my nails looked banging.

He calls me kind and smart and has even used the words HOT 😂 and awesome. His nickname for me is the boss.... @Dancerinthemoonlight now says she knows why.

Mr German never really gives compliments but I know he finds me attractive. He’s very self contained in every way and it threw me at first as other irons were all about talking about my looks and how amaaaazing I am - I am neither overly good looking or overly amazing 🤩 I can see it now for what it was - fake words.

I do like a ‘you look nice’ or whatever when you meet them though

I recall Miss T complimented me saying I was really great and she was so glad to have met me, and it felt like that moment in football when the chairman backs the manager 100% and my heart sank. I think it is an actions vs. words thing for me.

I did that five love languages quiz (free and quick if anyone wants to google).

I was high on:

• acts of service (like if I had a house move/big physical job I wouldn’t want a boyfriend who didn’t volunteer to help)

• touch (not just sex - I’d say cuddling on the sofa time is something I like )

• quality time (I wouldn’t classify this as “living life to the MAX” experiences, just things like reliable low-key pleasant date nights)

Gifts and words of affirmation were very low down for me.

I don’t really like “stuff” (Kondo convert) and I’m now at the age where I view exchanging birthday and Xmas presents as “extra hassle and mental load” stuff.

Plus I feel it’s so common people being verbally manipulative that I’m quite cynical about words or just ignore.

on social media where you have people with loads of likes or comments on Instagram - it often all is coming from random weird people with very disingenuous motives who don’t have good intentions to the “object of their praise”

Less is definitely more for me with words.

I'm a sucker for a compliment, I'm afraid, including on my outward appearance - I get the gene pool thing, but I still like it (I'm not anything special). I also really appreciate positive comments on my intelligence, humour or other excellent internal qualities because it shows a) he's been paying attention and b) he's not put off by it.
I cannot bear 'lovely lady' or anything else with 'lady' in it. I just find it patronising - I'm not a lady, or ladylike, or anything like that. I'm a woman, I drink and swear and have sex and lots of other stuff that a 'lady' would not be expected to do. And I'll tell an iron that, because if that puts them off we're just not going to get on. See why I don't get many dates??
I will compliment him as well - there's always something attractive about a person and most men like a compliment so I give them out too.

I’ve found men who call women “females” or “ladies” often are sexist oddballs.

One iron said ‘I loved hearing you talking about your work’ which I was really pleased about.
I also liked being called hot by one too because it was the first time in my 47 years 😂 he was a creep though 😆

I dont mind the odd compliment but if it was all the time I think I'd feel uncomfortable. I'm not great at accepting them or giving them tho.

can I have advice please? been seeing mr big more seriously the last few months. he is busy with work but speak/txt every day and see each other when we can. he added me to fb but then cancelled it when we started seeing each other (this time). I did mention it but never really found out why and didnt make a big deal. I also thought we were bf/gf but he mentioned on a call the other week that we never really made things official, there were other things going on so again I didnt make a big deal.

it's not massively bothering me, but obv is a bit as I'm posting. tbh I'm not sure what being official means and I think adding to fb is not a big thing I think it's more the fact he did it then cancelled it that makes me wonder why. would I be silly to ask him.about both things? I just can never find the right time and personally i think I'd rather just text and get it out the way. they arent really unreasonable questions to ask are they?

@HairyArsedMan

I recall Miss T complimented me saying I was really great and she was so glad to have met me, and it felt like that moment in football when the chairman backs the manager 100% and my heart sank. I think it is an actions vs. words thing for me.

"The Prime Minister has my full support"!

Lol!

@crazycatlady20, I think it depends how important those things are to you and what you want from your relationship with Mr Big. Does being a bit more ' official ' matter to you ? I have been in a similar position with Mr V and we have spoken about it. His world is pretty small and Covid has pretty much prevented me from meeting his family who are scattered around.
I can understand why you might feel being on his Facebook and recognised as his partner is important. As one of the rules says ( paraphrasing ) you should be able to talk about anything but of course reality isn't always as straightforward.

Compliments. I just sent s pic of me in a cocktail bar to mr GN. He came straight back with ‘You are beautiful’. I can’t resist that sort of thing, I’m not made of stone! 💕💕💕

@onesmallstep67 it is kind of important, we have had other convos about our relationship and what we were looking for which is why him saying we werent official threw me.

the fb thing isnt a huge issue, I dont put much importance on it. I'm not asking to be added as his partner, but he cancelled or removed the friendship link, that he had initially requested. I'm just curious as to why. I think I'd feel better if he just hadnt added me in 1st place. maybe he just got cold feet.

I think I'm just going to ask, then probably regret it immediately haha.

Errrr what's happened to Tonder messaging?
(a) green blobs next to a lot of people's names. I assume this means they are online or were recently online?

(b) What's happened to the helpful text at the very start of a chat thread saying 'You matched with Dean on 3rd Oct...'

Ffs.