Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@HairyArsedMan
Re I see where I'm going wrong. Am I the only one who would reserve such endearments for someone I'd met, liked a lot, and who liked me a lot in return ?

No you're not. I'd be the one unmatching if I got that message! Beeyoutiful laydee that I am.

Trying not to be insecure and instead cool ambivalence. Nothing from Mr VW all day bar a brief 8.30am good morning style exchange.

Mind you if for some odd reason he doesn't want to see me again that truly is his loss.

Off I pop back to not really caring

I know I've not really posted a lot but as of this evening me and Mr Chaos are "official" as a couple
He's so lovely.

@Jonsnowsghost Yeay!!!!!! Great news.

Congratulations @Jonsnowsghost! Big positive news.

Yay to being official 🥳🥳 @Jonsnowsghost

Thank you :) I'll keep dropping in and seeing what you're all up to!

Congratulations @Jonsnowsghost.

How long have you been dating for?

@Awholenewlife123 thanks! about a month, meeting up around 3 or 4 times a week, which seems quite a lot written down but we just like each other's company :)

See ... my gut knew. Mr Castle just cancelled tonight, saying he woke up to a message saying a friend has Covid so can we postpone.

It feels like an excuse ... but one I can't possibly refute.

Whatever

Whoop whoop @Jonsnowsghost nice way to start the winter

I have been unmatched overnight by the hipster I was having a perfectly normal conversation with yesterday. Perhaps he doesn’t like what if o for a living 🤷🏻‍♀️.

That’s shit @cravingthelook

And I agree - there’s something quite unpleasant about the “ostensibly valid excuse you can’t really argue with”.

It’s like you’ve been set-up/manipulated because if you say anything then you’re the b**h who doesn’t care about the ill friend

One of the reasons why I was a bit with MrMilitary (and basically blocked him when I had exams and my own stuff to focus on) was when we met his close relative (not a parent) was ill, so I made all sorts of adjustments to scheduling.

Then the second time we met he mentioned he’d had time to go out with his mates and do lots of social stuff with them. This made me feel like shit.

I’d been all “cool girl” trying to be considerate and make allowances for the ill relative situation, but he simply had other priorities.

Hit the apps again last night but after swiping left on many many many and not one right swipe I gave up then bizarrely a message came through from someone I'd matched with ages ago but neither of us messaged one another so started a half hearted dialogue with him.

MrVW made contact this morning and it's the usual one liner japes so doesn't look like he's avoiding me. I've got Friday night free this weekend so will let him know of this & also let him know that next weekend is not available due to a hospital procedure.

Never had an ambivalent thing like this all my relationships have been with lovebombing intense types who burnt up a lot of my precious time with their needing to see me urgently from the get go and endless texts/phone calls etc.

In some ways this is a breath of fresh air.
Am observing that like with sooooo many menfolk there are ZERO questions being asked of me. No interest at all in my backstory, my life now, my opinions, goals & dreams etc.
Blokes are odd.

@Wasail I absolutely hate the unceremonious unmatching without a hint that it's coming. It's so odd and every time a bit of a kick in the teeth.
We've got to just try and remember that if they are that callous during the initial chats then they've helped us dodge a bullet but some poor cow may get saddles with them long term.

I don't think I've ever unmatched anyone as my long string of messages in Tinder testifies but then I'm a nice, kind & thoughtful person not a cold hearted callous type.

That's great news @Jonsnowsghost - so happy for you! It's lovely to hear some good news!

@RuralBliss when are you supposed to be seeing MrVW again? Or are you just floating Friday in the hope he will also be free? I hear you about the ZERO questions from men. I have just realised Mr Local and I don't know each other's second names! After 6 weeks. And if pressed I am not entirely sure he knows what I do for a living! He was messaging a lot yesterday when I was super busy at work - but as someone has pointed out to me, that is just because it's in the run up to seeing me tonight for sex, so it's probably the one day I am on his mind!

@cravingthelook - yeh, the shit excuse eh? Mr Knight came up with one before he rearranged our date and then randomly blocked me which confirmed my initial suspicions - but then what if someone had a real excuse? Would I believe them again? Probably not! Or maybe I would. To be honest, some of the comments on here have made me feel I absolutely deserve to be ghosted because I'm a vain and gullible moron who goes along with hollow compliments and love bombing! It's not that I really believe they think I am beautiful, I just assume it is the way some men talk when they don't really have massive amounts of conversation. But then Mr Knight was quite smart, and we also talked politics and current affairs for a bit so basically it is all totally baffling. To be honest I could go on a Korean language dating site with a random word generator on my part and probably get the same levels of understanding as to what the hell people's intentions are! Terminally slow learner.

Thank you :)

@Ruralbliss, the way it reads to me is that he's possibly just looking for a FWB. And if that works for you then I say go for it and enjoy it for what it is. I think gut instinct with these things usually tells you what you need to know. You seem pretty on top of it and keeping your needs at the forefront of your mind.
@Jonsnowsghost, fantastic update. Sounds like you have met someone and clicked. So good to hear when this happens.
There seems to be a lot being unmatched or fobbed off at the moment. I wonder why that's happening ? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and onwards and upwards
In my own news I had a good chat with Mr V about his financial situation and I feel I understand things much better. I feel reassured that it's not an insurmountable issue likely to drive us apart. It lead to quite a deep conversation about our feelings for each other although he is not a natural, at ease communicator in these situations. He's definitely more than just Mr Right Now but still a few things to unravel before I feel totally secure. I think I have had a bumpy few years so maybe there will always be a part of me semi prepared for it not to work out.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 yes that's the conclusion I've come to.

No further arrangements to meet up.

I'll not mention my availability until he asks and if I'm not available on the days he is then that's too bad for him...

Definitely agree on not letting Mr VW know your availability @Ruralbliss Make plans and put him on the back burner. Has his communication style changed or was he always like this?

@Bunkbedpeople yes it's just too convenient to use an excuse. I did say yesterday I'll believe it when I see him today. It's like I knew. I'm pissed off and upset because I hate plans being fucked about on my child free time.
I make plans and 99% of the time stick to them why can't guys?
I've got a few chats on Fab night see if I can't plan a meet later.

Mr Swan is back in my thoughts as always. He's having a tough time and talking but not talking. I am meant to have lunch with him Thursday as it's his birthday (a big one) on Friday. I have got him some awesome and thoughtful gifts so hopefully that will lift him up.
He's not told me but I think it's finished with the latest GF. We had a 2 hour video call at weekend and I told him I was struggling with doing everything in life and the mental stress of it alone just now. He is going to come round after the move next week to help assemble furniture. He wasn't chatty on messages yesterday tho.

Nothing from Mr Planner for almost 2 weeks now, I guess that's him slid away. A good thing as the weekly messages were just keeping my hopes up.

@UtterSocks I don't think you are gullible... if you are so am I. I like to be called beautiful. I like to be complimented x

@UtterSocks
No one is saying you are gullible, we like people to say nice things about us.

I think Hairy was just saying he wouldnt say that sort of stuff until he really knew someone and wanted to know if he was in the minority.

I also love a compliment whether someone means it or not!!!

It is a classic lovebombing technique.

Have fun with Mr Local tonight 🙈🙊

Thanks @cravingthelook - it's really hard. I genuinely thought I would get better at this, but it's confirming my suspicions that there is something about me that attracts hook-ups and players only. I don't know if it's just the ones I like that I can't read and that mess me about, or if the others are doing it too and I just haven't noticed because I don't care enough to register if they disappear!

One guy messaged me several times a day every day for weeks and weeks after we had a drunken flirty text exchange which I subsequently regretted and it felt like stalking (it was absolutely constant at one point) although he was nice and I suspect a bit lonely and very needy. I didn't even give him an iron name and it took me a week to notice he had stopped messaging. I forget about them when I am feeling slighted!

Sometimes I think I have never had a successful relationship in my life, and never will. Not with an actual adult man (as opposed to ones like Mr Bike who are massive overgrown 40-something student types basically). Friendships I can do.

Read a great thing on Instagram today - it said "For Halloween this year I'm dressing up as my love-life, because it's absolutely fucking terrifying" 😂 My male BFF (who was also a failed data ahaha and is now happily in love with someone) follows the same account and once actually asked in all seriousness if it was me! Says it all.

@UtterSocks Sorry if my remarks made you feel that way, you do not come across as vain or gullible in the slightest. It was definitely me seeing something very alien to my dating interactions and just that - commentary on me not being effusive enough early on.

On excuses, I think you have to raise eyebrows with ill relatives suddenly appearing between arranging a date and the date. A philandering former office mate would brazenly invoke his very ill nan when he was double booked, sometimes escalating to a funeral. But it’s tricky sometimes life does intervene - I think someone genuine would recognise the potential chicanery that might be perceived and would also put forward an alternative.

I have a dilemma but just cannot post about it right now as I am still trying to figure things.