Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@youwillbelimitedastonumber

Agree onwards and upwards best strategy. Get back on the apps

Though personally I think he was rude and unnecessarily hurtful - not sure exactly how he phrased it but there’s something a bit weird/insensitive/narcissistic
about directly saying he’d basically seen someone else’s (claimed) photos and chatted online and on that basis he was “up for a relationship” with her but not you!

obviously being honest is better than ghosting but actually saying that he didn’t want to meet up “just in case” someone else gave him a chance is really crass - what’s wrong with just “I don’t think there’s enough chemistry or enough in common going forward” and leaving it at that?

He might be just rude or it might be some crazy pick-up-artist tool to lower your self-esteem.

(I’d definitely be wary in case he tries to stay friends/get back in touch later on for sex. Just ignore/block)

@Awholenewlife123 I think it might be many dates.
My own observation is around the 4 month mark most pretences have been dropped and you've spent enough time to know how they treat you, what they're like with their friends, what their lives are like and it's the whole package you're interested in. There's no way of fast tracking this.

That's my own thought anyway.

I'm still assimilating my first sleepover with Mr VW. I'm downgrading it to a 7 out of 10 due to what could have been out of this world sex turning into something a bit one sided... Overall though we had a good laugh together, he'd provided nice food, easy company with one another and decent chats about interesting topics. No awkwardness and I still really fancy him.

I'm thinking he's more FB than boyfriend material but not intending to go on the apps behind his back while this thing runs it's course. I'll wait for him to take the lead in suggesting next hook up as I'm actually not that bothered.

@Bunkbedpeople I think that’s what I’ve found a bit difficult here. I haven’t even met her and she’s better than you...seems a bit unecessary!

@youwillbelimitedastonumber he sounds like an idiot!

He might meet her and not like her in person or vice versa - you never really know until you meet someone!

@youwillbelimitedastonumber what a total narcissistic creep. He rejected you on the basis of a fantasy he has about another woman. It may sting now but you are better off in the long run. He could have said anything else to let you down gently. I’m fuming on your behalf.
I’m still on the fence about Mr Chalet. I can see that he has given his tinder profile an overhaul- he must have unmatched me on there because he keeps showing up in my feed, is that a red flag? He suggested a meet last minute yesterday afternoon but I didn’t really have the motivation to make it happen, I could have done if I was really keen but I’m just not really feeling it. Actually I think as I write this that I’m going to have to let it go. I’m just not that into him 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Matched with a very hipster bearded man on tinder and we have a coffee meet tomorrow. I’m not really into this type at all.
I think I’m at level Apathy at the moment. I am meeting nice guys just not firm me. Maybe I need a break, I just also could really do with some sex! It’s been over a years FFS.

@youwillbelimitedastonumber that happened to me a couple of weeks back - twice!!!! One guy was lovely, we had chatted on the phone and he was very complimentary, we had arranged to meet then out of the blue he messaged me saying he had met someone else over the weekend and though he was still happy to meet me he thought that if it went somewhere with her that would be his priority! So I replied that I’d rather leave it there as I had too much self respect to be his fallback position but that he was lovely and I wished him well. Another guy did similar but basically wanted to fuck me and properly date the other woman 🙄 I was less polite in my rejection of him

I agree with @Bunkbedpeople - it’s a bit rude to frankly say another woman is more worthwhile in his view. In one way it’s commendably honest (we all have a type 🤷‍♀️) but also why be so specific if not a bit driven by ego? Wanting to say “look how desirable I am with all my choices”. And yes I know I am multi-dating myself but I’m only sleeping with Mr Local. Am seeing the others as interviews. Because I do want a relationship and Mr Local doesn’t. But I don’t tell them that. I just say “you are really nice but didn’t feel a romantic spark” or similar.

Unfortunately I really don’t fancy anyone like I do Mr Local It’s spoiling me for everyone else. I think perhaps I’m avoidant!

Tonight is the newly rearranged Mr Knight. If he doesn’t light my fire I might just resign myself to Tuesday sex and minimal messaging with Mr Local as am rather running out of steam and spending a fortune on Ubers and restaurants.

@Wasail am also on level apathy I think apart from Mr Local. So odd, he was never initially a contender in my eyes due to the age gap and him frankly stating he only wanted a FWB in his profile. But he kept popping back up and I met him for a laugh and the minute I saw him I knew I’d sleep with him. Attraction is a weird and random thing.

Are people observing lockdown rules with dating? How are you all going for dinners etc? I'm tier 2

@Eesha I am Mr VW's support bubble....

Wow - so Mr Knight, having been messaging me all last night saying how keen he was to meet me and how gorgeous I am, actually blocked me this morning! His last message to me was "Night beautiful lady, I can't wait to meet you tomorrow, sleep well" at 11.30pm and then this morning he fucking unmatched me on HInge and blocked me! WTAF? And this is why I multi-date! There are so many mentals out there.

God you need a thick skin for this dating lark...

@UtterSocks happened to me last year!! I swear these blokes are bored and married.

"Night beautiful lady, I can't wait to meet you tomorrow, sleep well"

I see where I'm going wrong. Am I the only one who would reserve such endearments for someone I'd met, liked a lot, and who liked me a lot in return ?

Utteraocks Mr Welshie did that to me last month, it is just so weird.

Weirdo getting his kicks out of stringing people along @UtterSocks thick skin indeed needed

@HairyArsedMan
I think you've got the right idea, these men that profess this clearly dont mean otherwise they wouldnt then block...its a form of lovebombing

UtterSocks WTAF. What a wanker. Guess it's all about power and control, and getting a bit of an ego boost (at the expense of YOUR ego!) for people who do that.

I agree with @Eesha, bored and married! Absolute douche bag

Thanks all. Unluckily for him, I have a second mobile phone number so managed to point out what a wanker he was and then block him back! But am baffled. Thank you all for reassuring me it is - well I won't say 'normal' as it is the behaviour of an utter freak - but common. Still cannot understand the mentality of it though! Who gets their kicks out of hurting people? (or trying to. I'm not hurt, I am just utterly baffled and wondering how on earth it is possible to trust anybody, ever!)

@UtterSocks I've had similar, more than once. The just disappearance act no longer surprises me. This is why I assume it's not going to happen until it does.

Mr Castle hasn't been chatty at all, so I asked him outright yesterday if we were on for Tuesday. It was a yes of course and he messaged this morning..... I'll believe it when I see him tomorrow.

Wtf?! Why bother going to all that effort just to block you?! I will never understand that kind of behaviour.

@HairyArsedMan

"Night beautiful lady, I can't wait to meet you tomorrow, sleep well"

I see where I'm going wrong. Am I the only one who would reserve such endearments for someone I'd met, liked a lot, and who liked me a lot in return ?

You sound totally normal.

These types of compliments sound hollow to me and come wafting red flags along with them.

I've just been unmatched by a chap I was having a perfectly reasonable exchange with. Very odd. Hey ho.

Men who hate women, that’s what they are. They enjoy the feeling of power, imagining you’ll be gutted and humiliated. Wankers. (Literally)

Maybe you're right @TiggerDatter but I do find it absolutely baffling how people can be so vile for no reason. What do they get out of it? Still, I am neither gutted nor humiliated as was married to an abusive cocklodger for many years, then got my heart broken by Mr Beard, had to cope with the bizarre self obsession of Mr Maniac, and so on and so forth - so he would have to aspire to a higher level of deception and narcissism before he even scratched the surface of my composure. What I do feel is annoyed with myself for allowing myself to believe men can be nice. At least where I am concerned (with apologies to @HairyArsedMan who is clearly in a minority!). It also makes me view all the others with suspicion...

I’m guessing they just get some sort of buzz out of imagining they’re being a heartbreaker or some such, god knows, it’s just beyond pathetic. But men can be nice, definitely, and it’s not you that makes them not nice. Onward and upward @UtterSocks 💐

With general WFH and winter ennui creeping in to my mind it’s hard not to feel jittery and disconnected right now.

My “insecure brain” was thinking I haven’t heard from MrC in ages and he’s dropped me

My “rational brain” reminded me we were last in touch four days ago and he’s currently doing 12 on 12 off night shifts

So I’m going to try to find ways of emotionally moving forward that’s not dating so I don’t go psycho on him and go to Level Dean.

signing up to things like online meditation , will be making an effort to go out running in daylight.

Start working on my language skills as I’ve always enjoyed those and maybe have a qualification next year

It’s pretty hard socialising on a tight budget (with anxiety and lockdown as well) but I’m going to do my best . Hopefully I’ll get my reunion at some point soon