Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

To those of you who have recently had good dates, hurrah! And great to know there are ok men out there

To those of you who are being ghosted/stood up - sorry about that but it happens to us all is a salutary reminder that it’s not us, it’s them! Wankers.

Quick rundown of my progress:

Mr Knight grovellingly rearrranged our date for Monday so maybe he genuinely was ill. Meeting for dinner on Monday

Mr Ginger was really lovely - my age but looks young, into fitness (really important to me), sane, solvent and single. Quite fancied him in the restaurant but not massively though and the goodnight kiss didn’t light any fires. But we will see

Mr Bike and I had lunch yesterday. I have said I need just to be friends right now. I definitely don’t fancy him. He took it ok I think- he’s a nice person as I said

Mr Golf was nice but not for me. I have a thing about teeth and he looks like a smoker. He was a really nice guy though. But I think I will message him to say no thanks later today

Got a coffee date with a new iron Mr Kinder after the gym. He seems promising- my age, looks good in pictures, fit, educated. Didn’t want another iron but he popped up on Tinder and was very keen and straightforward so 🤷‍♀️

Oh and Mr Local still barely messages me but I can’t give him up. It is literally just going round to his house for sex every Tuesday- but it is AMAZING sex and he is actually really nice company too. And getting the sex means I don’t feel like rushing it with anyone else who is actually relationship material

I’m going to be getting fat from all these restaurant dates though and it’s costing me a fortune!

Bit of an update from me. Went on my date and it was amazing. The level of connection is just insane.
However, my ex has seen him and all hell has broken loose. Just feeling so torn between my head and my heart. The best thing all round right now is to get things a bit more sorted and then start dating again a few months down the line. It’s not what I want though but now any date and I’m just going to feel guilty. Once again my ex has control and now has as ammunition to throw at me.

@Awholenewlife123 that just angers and saddens me at the same time (for you). Why do you feel guilty and why is your ex losing it? Does he want to get back together?
My ex does and as a result I will be very slow with bringing any date to my house/ town but I will happily see them away from here guilt free because there is a reason he is an ex (many many reasons!)
I do get the head and heart thing though as I did struggle a little at the start once I realised he wasn’t handling me moving on. He can’t even cope with the fact that I’ve gotten a new car so a man is going to be a challenge

@UtterSocks I’m jealous of all of your dates - you get to go places!! And @crackofdoom I’ve also v v jealous of your wild night 😆

@UtterSocks u seem to be very good at getting irons.

I have managed to lock myself out of my Fab account 🤦🏼‍♀️ however I did move on to WhatsApp with one guy & should be netting him tonight if I can get back early enough from dropping my children off. It seems a bit too nice though considering I met him on Fab so will wait & see.

@Awholenewlife123 could u continue seeing but not locally. I always date in the next town or meet halfway as I don’t want to bump into my ex or children until o know the person is worth introducing.

@Mayzee I love that he can’t even cope u have a new car 😂 why they think they can still dictate your life once they are out of it 🤷‍♀️

Yes he wants us to try again. That’s exactly what I said that if we go on another date it has to be well away from here. I just feel like even then I won’t be able to relax but I’m so fed up of him having control over me!

Date#3 (first sleepover) with MrVW all done.

Just assimilating all the thoughts and data.
Overall score was 8 out of 10 I think.

We're going to need a more detailed breakdown of those figures rural

I have managed to lock myself out of my Fab account 🤦🏼‍♀️ however I did move on to WhatsApp with one guy & should be netting him tonight

That typo made me spit my muesli. (assuming it IS a typo, and that you haven't got rather, er, specialised tastes...? )

Aw @Mayzee and @Whattodonow6322 I have been on a roll recently but have had fallow periods like everyone else.

Met Mr Kinder today for brunch. Smaller and thinner in real life than I expected. Older looking too. We got on well. Just no spark.

With Mr Local ... there is no suggestion of a relationship. He is 12 years younger. Was very upfront he wanted a FWB thing. Barely messages. Nothing in common. But I find him so freaking hot 🥵... think it is spoiling me for anything else

Bit of a feeling of romantic/social ennui here - even with the craziness I do find using the apps gets me out and about interacting with new people which is good for my introverted soul.

I’m going to try to sign up to a couple of zoom general social meetings even though I don’t like them just to get myself out of my own head.

It’s weird because I don’t see myself as a sentimental type (or maybe I’m ) but I guess I’m genuinely missing MrC and was looking forward to (hopefully) getting out and exploring life and the world with him.

Socialising as a single woman can be a mixed bag to say the least

my social life for the last few years has been ok on paper with some good moments, but not really emotionally nourishing - slightly patronising people, or those I don’t have much in common with which just exacerbates loneliness rather than provides any relief!

I’ve also had close friends going through a lot of personal/MH issues and supporting them has taken its toll on me.

With MrMilitary it seemed a lot of talking/angst/emotions but no actual quality companionship time.

So just the thought of going out and doing stuff I enjoy with someone I like in a mainstream way is awesome.

Even if things don’t work out with MrC I’ve learned my dating goal will be to have someone I can “do stuff” with who likes engaging with mainstream city life.

Evening all. Sorry for the lack of updates after me saying hello just over a week ago - ahead of my meeting my date for the first time last weekend. it went well, we had been chatting a week and he came down and stayed in a local hotel (chose a boutique one off his own bat - top marks). In the end I nipped over and met him for a drink on the Saturday night, all good - had our proper date on Sunday for brunch and a walk, he then suggested meeting again on the Monday for another quick drink as my kids were away for the week... and we squeezed in our first sleepover () at a gorgeous hotel on the Thursday... yikes. Nothing like the children being away to speed things up a bit!

Overall, it's all going well and I really like him - and unlike my previous Tinder 'relationship', this all feels much saner and equal - he is very much my match which I like. BUT - I'm having my standard 'oh god, I now feel very vulnerable' angsting, especially as it was at about this stage or a bit further along that things went wrong last time. I think the pressure of knowing I need to keep my cool all gets too much for me.

I now have my children back, and have them for the second week of half term, whilst also working - too much time to be thinking about it all whilst being mostly at home, whilst he is out and about and very much busy. Planning to go out for a morning run tomorrow and want to work hard this week to keep MY life going, and be busy, and keep things all in perspective.

It's all so hard!

It is mental @freelancedolly I think things move at such a fast pace now that it’s emotionally fairly intense (especially with the pressures of lockdown)

in the past meeting people through say work or mutual friends we’d have some existing social connections - and it wouldn’t happen that often

Now we’re basically having to judge whether or not there’s a connection/adjust to a new lover/
co -ordinate schedules/balance our emotional health with taking risks And the social norm is to have physical intimacy sooner which brings more intimacy as well.

I also agree it’s tougher freelance/WFH as there’s too much time to think - when I was dating a PhD student and been working long hours one- two weeks went by quickly for me and I wouldn’t really register we hadn’t met? I mean I’d just fall into bed exhausted.

But for the student it was like “this isn’t enough contact” as they were sitting alone doing their dissertation and watching the hours a bit.

Now I’m waiting on someone myself whilst WFH and it’s a bit

Hope all goes well with the new iron

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople that's exactly it - I'm wfh and other than going out for exercise (or juggling the guilt of slightly bunking off work to entertain my children) there's just too much time sat around at home with the phone ever present - he on the other hand has a ton of difficult things to deal with which makes him very busy - I am just one of those things and although he has been nothing but decent and communicative, there is an imbalance there we are both aware of.

And yes yes to all the difficulty with sped up intimacy, etc. It's very hard to make the adjustments and be wondering 'is this worth pursuing, does this have legs, is it worth investing at all?'. We had the vague conversation about commitment and he said he is not interested in 'shopping around' - and whilst he seems genuine on this front I'm also too long in the tooth to think this particularly means much.

Ahhh - happy days..!

@freelancedolly just hoping on to say I feel your pain!

Hopping*

I totally understand this @freelancedolly. I feel at the moment with Mr Engineer that I just need to know. It’s almost then like you put the pressure on so don’t get all the feelings but you don’t relax. As soon as I relax with him though the feelings are very much there and then I stop over thinking!

How many dates would people say they’ve had until they knew they found something good? I suppose I’m just worried, with everything that’s happened, that I continue dating him after everything this weekend and it turns out to be nothing!

When I’m with him though and I stop overthinking l have no doubts

So got a message last night from the guy I’d only seen this week (coffee and then round at his) cancelling the next date as he has ‘been chatting to someone and even though they have met she has long term potential’. I feel like such an idiot.

@Awholenewlife123 I knew from day 1 that Mr Yoga and I had a connection and when we met, it was the same. For us it was easier as we met as friends so no pressure of whether we would be attracted to each other. It just happened!

@youwillbelimitedastonumber you're no idiot, I've been told that before meeting someone I thought was wonderful. I'm just glad he was honest. You should feel the same, this guy was upfront with you.

@eesha that’s very true! And he was quickly honest too.

@youwillbelimitedastonumber
Dont feel like an idiot, you went with the flow and did what you thought was right.

On the plus side he has been honest but i can see that you may feel used.

Can you do something enjoyable today and enjoy some me time and forget all about him?

Yes, lovely day planned! Thank you for your kind words. All good really!