Dating Thread 195 - Level Dean, home of serious women who actually talk

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Onesmallstep67 I had a 9 month romance with a nice enough guy who's finances were dire. I loaned him £500 which I never saw again and despaired at his inability to sort his life out.
It was the indicator to a whole 'woe is me' way of life.

Just saying.

@NoBloodyFighting
Sometimes not great counselling is better than no counselling especially as you've been working with her a while and clearly trust her and have issues you want to address and who knows when you willbe able to meet face to face again.

What does your forever look like? Is it marriage/ living together/buying a house together?

I think depending on what you think your forever is will depend on my answer.

Personally I'm scared of too much commitment due to an emorionally abusive marriage so what i have with Mr K is perfect. Neither want to get married, i dont want to live with anyone ever again although he might when his son is older (at least 15 years) and we dont want to mix finances.
I'm happy living apart together and cant see that changing for a long time.

@Onesmallstep67
Financial instability would be an issue for me too, i had too many issues in my marriage with a spendaholic to eber get involved with someone not financially not stable.

Does Mr V seem keen to address his financial instability?

Has he hinted that he wsnts you to help him out?

I'm glad you managed a good weekend together.

Thank you for your thoughts onesmallstep and bunkbed "he just wasn't Mr Right" sums it up really. There's nothing 'wrong' as such but I just know he isn't for me long term, we've got very different approaches/attitudes to life and have both agreed we're just in this for fun but I think his feelings run deeper. I suppose I worry as well that we're stopping each other from looking for the real deal. If he walked I would be sad but not devastated and know it was for the best.
I think the slow detach would be a good idea in theory but in practice our relationship is heavily based on the physical side; not to say I wouldn't be happy to stay friends but I think we'd both struggle with not sleeping together in practice. Just not sure what to do for the best. Am I dragging out the inevitable, getting more and more attached through habit as much as anything, or just enjoying it for what it is? Sorry if I've repeated myself, just typing what I'm thinking.

Sorting sorry cross posted with you. I've done the marriage and dc thing so not necessarily, though realistically I'm still pretty young so never say never. I can't imagine living with him though, never mind marriage & dc. Is that me or him or us? I don't know. You're right about the counselling. I'll book in.

Nearly nearly nearly texted MrVW a 'I think you've gone off the boil or your text style is dire' then decided to channel someone far cooler than me and realised a cool chick would just silently bin them off if he or any other iron wasn't conformant with her high standards

So that's what I'll do. I'll continue to live my (busy fulfilling) life, chat to Mr Enthusiastic SuperSwiper from last night and no iron need know that they are in competition with others.

It's a may the best man win competition and I am the fabulous prize.
Not going to waste precious seconds of my time on this planet whingeing via text that 'I'm getting the vibe you're not that into me'

My favourite cool bird to channel this week having seen the film The Gentlemen is Michelle Dockery playing opposite Mathew McConnaughey as his ice cool missus.

@NoBloodyFighting
Do you want to eventually live with someone and maybe get married and have kids?

Its always difficult when one person has more feelings than the other although if he has said he is happy how you are what makes you think otherwise?

Now isnt really the time to be looking for a life partner with all the restrictions and what if you dont find anyone who has the same attitude and approach as you?

The only way you will find someone else who could be long term is to either go non-exclusive and basically FWB or just end it completely....

Maybe dont be too hasty or do you think time is running out?
You could just enjoy the moment and not think too far ahead.

@Ruralbliss, I think it's absolutely the right attitude to have. What would be gained from asking the question when his lack of texts/pursuing you is a message enough in itself? I know that some people are anti multi dating but for me it was genuinely a way of keeping from over investing and not allowing myself to get too drawn in by someone too quickly. As a tactic it allowed me to have a pretty consistently busy dating life without looking for the one. And then often out of nowhere someone different comes along. Another cliche but in my life it's happened 3 times leading to long and special connections.
@SortingItOut, I have helped Mr V out a little already because I am able to. I know some will see red flags wafting and I am monitoring it closely. But I am absolutely not someone who will get done over financially by a man. It is difficult because getting involved with someone emotionally requires trust. I know the situation isn't perfect so it's a case of working out how he handles the money issues. He seems genuine at the moment.

sorting been there, done that and I'm certainly in no rush to do it again. I'm not against it as such but I don't feel an urge to have that kind of relationship again. But I suppose I see myself long term with somebody who does have a similar outlook to me and that I see as more than "fun". I dunno, I don't have that same level of excitement, which I appreciate wears off eventually, but it feels like something is missing.
I feel like I've been "enjoying the moment" for a long time now and I feel guilty that I might be preventing him from meeting somebody else too.

Thanks for asking @Onesmallstep67 it's also Mr B's financial situation that is causing issues. He doesn't feel like a real grown up sometimes. And is that what I want?

It's my experience amongst family and friends that if there are money issues it's usually the women who attempt to sort it and the men who flounder. @Notcoolmum, I could do a number of things to help Mr V out but how willing he is to face some of the measures he would have to put in place is a different matter. And once you start taking control and being the fixer some men will let you do that. Mr V isn't asking me to fix anything but my worry is that he's not going to get on top of his situation as so far this has rumbled on for months. A lot of it is naivety and inexperience. Ridiculous to say but at nearly 56 he's not had to deal with managing his life as until 2 years ago he lived with his mom. He is a genuinely nice guy and there are lots of positives but will I tire of things when he's not able to move and function at the same pace as me ?

Hello again after another absence! Life has been busy, busy, busy and I am under a lot of stress at work, with divorce and have been obsessing about lockdown. But just checked in today during a boring meeting! Nice to see you all.

@Ruralbliss - this is the BEST thing I have read in ages.

^It's a may the best man win competition and I am the fabulous prize.
Not going to waste precious seconds of my time on this planet whingeing via text that 'I'm getting the vibe you're not that into me'^

I have wasted time sending whiny texts because I like clarity. But honestly they are not worth it. It pisses them off more if you just disengage. Am also multi-dating like a maniac as am so afraid over over-investing in one, and don't trust anyone after Mr Beard. Also, I find my need for constant social engagement is better met by multiples (and I seem to attract wankers so have a high rate of attrition)

@Onesmallstep67 and @Notcoolmum - I hear you on financial instability. I have a financially abusive marriage to a cocklodger so it is very triggering for me if someone does not have their financial shit together. And yes, it makes them seem not quite like grown ups. I don't want to merge finances with anyone, I have my own money (at least until my fucktard ex tries it on in the divorce, the bastard) but I want a man who is capable and financially independent.

So currently my irons are:

1. Mr Bike (who I am steadily friendzoning and am going to have the chat with on Saturday.) He is nice, attractive, kind caring - but incredibly woke (even for me), financially hopeless and frankly dreadful in bed. I don't want to hurt him as he is so very nice, and feel I have let it drag on a bit too long already, but it needs to be done. So any tips for kindly letting go, please post them!

2. Mr Local who I have been seeing for 5 weeks who is just a FWB. At the most basic level I just visit him for sex every week - we used to go for a drink first but his USP for me is not pub chat (though he is nice and funny). I am ridiculously into him - the sex is incredible and the mutual attraction is off the scale - but he is 12 years younger, we have nothing in common, and he pretty much said up front he doesn't want a relationship. It is what it is. So am still interviewing for a proper boyfriend on my non-Mr Local days!

3. Mr Knight - had a date with him planned for tonight, he appeared really keen and pushed hard to meet sooner rather than later but has messaged today to say he has a vomiting bug (hmmm!!!) He asked if we could meet Friday lunchtime but that is not convenient for me and I have a sneaking suspicion (born of nothing apart from the fact I don't trust men after some of the arseholes I have met) that he may have double booked tonight and I'm a fallback. This may or may not be true - I have no idea and have not replied yet - well I replied to the cancellation with 'no problem' but have ignored the lunch invitation. No idea what to say. Red flag or innocent illness do we think??? What can I say that is not aggressive or suggesting paranoia, but subtly implies "if you are up to something, I am on to you and you get ONE more chance"?

4. Mr Golf - date tomorrow lunch, phone chat a few days ago, seems keen and consistent, don't fancy him loads from photos but think he might be better IRL, just a hunch

5. Mr Yoga - like this one, funny, clever, we have go a first date on Friday evening but a bit of a health freak - vegan, very careful of his diet. Imagine he will love watching me mainline red wine and tapas while he picks at a salad and sips mineral water. But he may have a reckless side, we will see!

Had a couple of really boring dates last weekend. One guy took me for a meal and let me talk for 2 hours, replying in monosyllables. (I asked loads of questions but it was like pulling teeth. For all he contributed to the conversation we could have been done in 10 mins, taken the food to go and both got on with something else.) Other one was my age and nice to talk to but looked like my grandad.

Am starting to think there are no decent men out there. Not quite Level Dean but if there is a name for men who are just BORING, that's where I largely am (suggestions for names of boring men anyone? Mine seem to be called Chris!) Anyway, they don't get named as not seeing them again.

Sorry for long post! My fault for infrequent check ins! I will catch up with you all later tonight (my bedtime reading!)

@UtterSocks years ago there was a man who would go round cleaning people's cars where they were parked. Just cos he wanted to. His name was Colin Sad. Since then, all boring men in my life has been Colins...

I may have dreamt that story.

Hahah @WeWantTheFinestWines my top iron Mr Yoga is called Colin, don't say that 😂

Though agree it is a boring name. Like Colin Robinson the energy vampire from What we do in the Shadows! Let's go with it.

@Onesmallstep67
Just because you can afford to help him out doesnt mean you should. Unless it was life or death i guess.

Mr V might not be asking you to fix his situation outright but is he hinting that you could/should?

Its worrying he has reached his age and not been self sufficient, hopefully he can get things resolved.

I will no longer mother any man even if he is helpless, if he is a grown up he should act like one.
I've done the parent/child thing with my marriage and it doesnt end well.

Mr K is self employed and his work stopped, i didnt want to offer money so instead he came round for tea most nights.
Too be fair he is really good with money and of course got the government grants eventually.
I love the fact he is financially stable and acts as a fully functioning grown up rather than someone who needs looking after.

@UtterSocks great to have your positive feedback on my approach and then read your catalogue of irons which is the way to go I think. Thanks for the update. What a lot of men you are juggling. I forget which one I've told which fundamental fact which then gets awkward pretty quickly.

I seem to be going with best case scenario Mr VW at least giving me some sex at least once as he is literally the hottest thing I have ever set eyes on and yet somehow acts like he doesn't know it. I suspect he's on the spectrum and would be amazed how much thought-time and conniving game-play I'm putting into it.
We've got a third date pencilled in for the weekend but I'm convinced he won't remember or be up for it. I am sitting on my hands not to suggest a hook up ahead of then.

Mr Enthusiastic first phone in tonight.

Now have a Mr DJ giving me instant response messages in which he asks Qs which is a refreshing change from the non-inquisitive, one-word texts thrice a day from Mr VW.

Onwards and onwards.

Best of luck all.

@SortingItOut, no he's not hinting at me fixing him as such. I know that he's struggling to make ends meet and in some way throwing good money after bad. I think it's me looking at his situation and feeling like I need to step in, get him organised and as a knock on effect, improve the overall quality of his life - so that we can then relax and enjoy our time together more.
He's a classic example of Mr 90% right. But as my friend said ' you can have a fine looking ship but it only needs one hole letting in water ....'

@Onesmallstep67
Its so hard not to step in and fix someone's situation especially if you are a fixer.

Have you dropped hints as to how he can fix his situation?

I think your friend speaks sense, you want to improve his life so it then improves yours together but does he see the correlation?
Are you on the same page?

I would find it so hard not to step in to fix things as i work in finance and fix things for people all the time.
When i leave work i try to leave my work hat at work but its not always easy.

So....coffee date arranged for tomorrow with the-man-returned-from-Wales-who-I'm-not-giving-a-nickname-to-yet.

(sigh) We're in that awkward position of having been chatting for so long, and getting on so well by text (and having so much in common) that it's obvious we're both a bit overinvested and getting a bit nervous about tomorrow. We both really hope we like each other, in which case a long weekend of wild sex (it is a Fab date after all), exploring his brand new house and roaming the hills looking for magic mushrooms is on the cards.

(braces for disappointment ......)

@crackofdoom
Keeping everything crossed for you🤞😋

My god that sounds fantastic @crackofdoom, really hope it comes about for you!

I'm also hoping for good things @crackofdoom

My walk tonight was good. Lovely attractive tall gentleman, who was a little nervous but definitely lovely. There wasn't fireworks but I did find him attractive (I'm thinking after the last two fiascos where there was literal fireworks Mr Music and Mr Planner, I'd prefer a slow burner)

We did kiss and it was lovely. Could have definitely carried on but as it was on the street next to my car near Inverleith Park I ended it after a few minutes.

We didn't go up to the esplanade but we did walk round the park, Stockbridge and Dean Village (for those Edinburgers among you)

@Dancerinthemoonlight referred to him as Mr Castle on the phone to me earlier so I will go with that.

I've got a couple more promising Fab chats on the go. One particularly interesting. I will aim to do social meets next week and name then.

Tinder and Bumble have NOTHING for me just now. Fab is where all the chat seems to be

Hey @Ruralbliss how did the phone date go? I had Mr Knight cancel our date this evening with “illness” but it’s fine cos I got to go to the gym and have a group call with some old friends. He won’t get another chance though (benefit of the doubt once but am terminally suspicious)

@crackofdoom hope it goes well tomorrow - Fab seems brilliant for so many of you but I just unearth seedy creeps on there. I really question my vibes sometimes!

@Onesmallstep67 love that boat saying!!! It’s easier for me to spot them, attracting mainly puncture strewn crappy dinghies rather than fine looking ships 🙄