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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

278 replies

Balzac20 · 11/10/2020 01:47

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 17:43

As I've said before in the thread - how would he feel and behave if you'd done all this to him? Would drinking be a valid excuse?

Friendsoftheearth · 13/10/2020 17:44

He thinks of you as a walkover, and the reason he even 'risked' doing what he did was because he had so little respect for you in the first place.

Once the trust has gone, the trust has gone for you - no matter how much you try to ignite it. I can not imagine actually sleeping with a man that did that to me ever again, I would not want to be in the same room as him. What is the point in wasting even more time with counselling or anything else? Nothing can change what he did, no amount of talking will ever work. It is more playing for time. Taking control, as you have, will serve you must better - you get to walk away with your dignity and self respect this way.

He is worthless. I am afraid prostitution particularly is so grim, so dangerous for the women that have to do it, those that have no choice. It is something I could never ever come back from. The exploitation enough would finish things for me. What kind of man does that.

Onwards and upwards for you. Stay strong. He is not the man you thought he was (at all)

momtoboys · 13/10/2020 17:57

I know this isn't what you want but I agree with the posters that say if it isn't know it will just be down the road. You are so far ahead of so many women who gave up their jobs to care for their children. I worry so about the women in that situation that work so hard for their families and then just get abused/cheated on. The idea that you have a decent pension should be very comforting.

Stay strong. Remember, no matter how nasty he may get, he is still the one that slept with prostitutes and had an affair. Nothing is ever going to change that. Hold you head high. You take care of you and your son. He can wallow if he wants.

SortingItOut · 13/10/2020 20:34

@ilikemethewayiam
My husband did the same, after 17 years of emotional affairs i finally decided to end things.

He was in shock for months, apparently he never intended to leave me for any of them and he thought i would just put up with it.

My husband definitely thought i was a doormat.

I sometimes wish i had less morals and had done the same as him just to see his reaction, i bet he wouldnt have been pleased!!

Original poster
Balzac20 · 13/10/2020 21:33

Just spoken to him again (he’s coming over to do bedtime while I go out for dinner/go the cinema/ go mad in Ikea), I was dreading it but it was ok. It seems to have sunk in that it’s over and he’s moved onto the practicalities of buying his own house. I don’t know where to start dividing the assets so I’m hopeful the solicitor will help. We’ve started gathering information about what we both have. I should start thinking about a household budget for me and DS but maybe that’s one for MSE.
I’m feeling pretty positive, I’m so relieved he seems to have accepted his fate and we can talk reasonably about things.
Thank you everyone for helping me get through this and keeping me motivated to get through it

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 13/10/2020 23:20

Wow, what Progress in such a short time. Well done OP for being so decisive, for putting yourself and your DC first. You’ve set a great example to them and will be an inspiration to others.

Once I’d made the decision OP, and my house had gone through, I remember feeling elated!. I started planning colours I was going to paint, Which soft furnishings, the themes and styles of the rooms. The day I took possession I remember walking through the door, closing it behind me and just sliding down the wall in tears of Joy! I sobbed for a while because the relief was overwhelming! It was a new build so a blank canvas and new start in every way. I took nothing from the old house. I didn’t want anything from there. I bought new/nearly new furniture in sales etc. It was like a re-birth. I felt nothing but peace. My only regret was not doing it sooner. I’ll never be able to explain why I stayed for so long. Moving on was an entirely positive and liberating experience for me OP. I hope it will be for you too. Wishing you all the very best for the future 💐

ilikemethewayiam · 13/10/2020 23:37

[quote SortingItOut]@ilikemethewayiam
My husband did the same, after 17 years of emotional affairs i finally decided to end things.

He was in shock for months, apparently he never intended to leave me for any of them and he thought i would just put up with it.

My husband definitely thought i was a doormat.

I sometimes wish i had less morals and had done the same as him just to see his reaction, i bet he wouldnt have been pleased!![/quote]
@SortingItOut

Lol! My DH actually said in all sincerity, ‘I wasn’t going to leave you for them!’. He said he would have grown out of it eventually! It’s just mind blowing how they think!

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 13/10/2020 23:56

Perhaps if he starts on the we don't need to break up over this you could try an experiment? You could 'confess' to a one night stand telling him that's also why you know this marriage is so broken.

Then sit back and watch the utter hypocrisy pour from his mouth. Listen in amazement as he 'dumps' you, because I guarantee that what's sauce for the goose is NOT sauce for the gander. Honestly if this was you having affairs or shagging other people he wouldn't be able to get out quick enough.

Might feel a bit cruel but it will relieve some of your guilt and also shine a massive spotlight on what a total hypocrite he is while proving the point nicely that this is a sackable offence. Because it always amazes me how these men are convinced their wives would never get the opportunity to cheat or just wouldn't do it. It's too smug for words and men like him deserve to feel some if that pain.

Or as a PP has suggested - tell him you are open to staying but it's not fair he is the only one that gets to do this and so you want to experience sex with a gigilo and also to have an affair. Then after that you'll call it even and draw a line under it.

Then watch his face. This is cheeky fuckery of the highest order, all of it. How far he expect you to stay and forgive this? Is he mad????

Anordinarymum · 14/10/2020 00:02

IlikethewayIam Did your husband say why he did it ?

ilikemethewayiam · 14/10/2020 00:16

@Anordinarymum

IlikethewayIam Did your husband say why he did it ?
@Anordinarymum

Every time I asked him, I got a different reason, from you love your horses more than me, you didn’t have my dinner on the table when I got in from work, you didn’t give me enough sex, It’s boring sleeping with the same person for life, they dressed nicer than you.... the list goes on! Basically he did it because he wanted to! He said it was easy, he felt no guilt because he compartmentalised his life. He once told me what he did in his private life was none of my business! He was an entitled narcissist with no conscience. I cringe looking back Blush

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 14/10/2020 00:18

@ilikemethewayiam they never say though do they? Inevitably their reasons are so ridiculous to say them out loud would make them look like a total twat. So they make stuff up and try to pass the blame. Just so fucking dull and unimaginative 🙄🙄

Anordinarymum · 14/10/2020 00:20

Yes, I thought you might say some of these things ilikethewayIam. It's interesting how they compartmentalise adultery !

Absolutely he did it because he wanted to and no excuse is good enough. You can't excuse behaviour like this.

SoulofanAggron · 14/10/2020 00:22

@ilikemethewayiam Wow, that's awful. Sad Glad he's an ex.

@Balzac20 You're doing so well, keep going, please don't let him sucker you back in. xxx

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 14/10/2020 00:36

I hope we are all learning here. Never ask why. It just opens the door to them bring total cunts. Lying cunts to boot. As if the cheating snot bad enough to then have to listen to a load of shit about not dressing well enough.

I'm not a violent person (last 'fight' was aged 11!) but my god I would have punched someone saying this to me.

Or wiped the smirk off their face by shagging their best friend. That will do it, I can assure you.

ilikemethewayiam · 14/10/2020 01:06

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I hope we are all learning here. Never ask why. It just opens the door to them bring total cunts. Lying cunts to boot. As if the cheating snot bad enough to then have to listen to a load of shit about not dressing well enough.

I'm not a violent person (last 'fight' was aged 11!) but my god I would have punched someone saying this to me.

Or wiped the smirk off their face by shagging their best friend. That will do it, I can assure you.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Oh I’ve learnt! If I ever found out that current DH had even once done anything remotely similar, there would be no communication other than via a solicitor! I’ve got my big girl pants on now! 😁

momtoboys · 14/10/2020 01:06

Does he have parents, extended family that he will have to explain the situation? (Please say “yes”!)

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 14/10/2020 01:13

@ilikemethewayiam and more importantly never give them that opportunity to be even more of a prick by asking why!!!

Because the only real answer is "because I'm a selfish prick". The rest is just lies.

EKGEMS · 14/10/2020 01:19

Why do they cheat? The same reason a dog licks himself-because he can!

Original poster
Balzac20 · 14/10/2020 03:19

@momtoboys oh yes

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 14/10/2020 07:48

@Anordinarymum
My husband told me he had numerous emotional affairs because he needed the ego boostHmm

Apparently his depression meant he needed it.....

The fact he started this within 1 year of marriage goes to show what he was really like.

I was a dedicated girlfriend and then wife, he was very good looking and I also told him how great he was.
He didnt need the ego boost, he did it because he could.

Of course the more he did it, the more i withdrew so then there was hardly any affection or nice words said.

Honestly these men are something else.

Original poster
Balzac20 · 14/10/2020 10:51

It’s such a weird argument, the ‘my self-worth is linked to being a worthless shit’ line. Although I don’t suppose they see it like that.
I’m feeling a bit gloomy this morning. It’s such a waste of what I (thought I) had

OP posts:
Sweetchillichicken · 14/10/2020 11:05

Aww OP I read this full thread in aww of how strong your being.
So glad your getting out of that marriage, hopefully he can be as amicable as possible.

Original poster
Balzac20 · 14/10/2020 11:13

@Sweetchillichicken thank you, I couldn’t have done it without the good counsel of mumsnetters

OP posts:
Original poster
Balzac20 · 14/10/2020 11:17

I’ve made a donation (joint account, obviously) to a trafficking charity in all of your honour Star

OP posts:
DaisyChain68 · 14/10/2020 11:35

I’m a fair bit older than you and I think you are still so young with very many years ahead of you. Don’t be a 50 year old and look back thinking you should have done things differently. Moving on is very hard and brave especially when you aren’t the one that brought the world crashing down. When you think your life is settled and a grenade is thrown on your marriage. Whatever you decide what’s best for you the most important information for now is to have an STI check no matter what
Sending my best and big hugs Flowers