Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

@antonov funny you should mention that, I was just thinking about a cat! I have a good pension. I’m so glad I didn’t stop working after DS was born. It doesn’t bear thinking about the state I’d be in now.

The way I’m looking at it, because of the sort of man he is, even if we get back together there’s a high likelihood I’ll have to go through this pain at some point (the pain of breaking up for good). So I might as well get it over with now, rather than having it hang over me for an undetermined period of time. Urgh! Imagine!

I’ve just fully realised I can do whatever I want to the house! Jazzy towels next I think

Don’t forget STD clinic. I know it’s undignified, but you will certainly not be the first wife in this situation that they will have come across. It’s horrible, I know... but vitally important, at least for your peace of mind.
He has played hard and fast with your life and your health here, OP.

There's a few things you have said that makes me think he's manipulative and controlling (the books, the house). Is everything on his terms and its your job to make him feel happy?
In which case he's probably spent many years manipulating you to put him first at all times and as a result you are conditioned to respond to certain things (like him crying).
Read about Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Have a think about your marriage in general.

Fwiw my exH used cams. I stayedfor 5 years after found out, I wish I'd left. It destroyed my self esteem. He never stopped and I constantly questioned my instincts.

@QuentinWinters yeah I think that might be about the size of it. It’s not super overt but he does like things a certain way and I’ve always tried to make/keep him happy so I tend to roll with it. I think of myself as quite laid-back but maybe it’s actually unhealthily passive. I dunno. I thought if I managed to keep the home environment exactly as he liked it it could make him happy, but now that seems totally laughable as his demons (or whatever) are more powerful than that.

Just thinking back to a month ago when I realised it was the anniversary of my miscarriage and told him I was feeling upset so went upstairs for a weep and a wallow. After a couple of hours he texted to ask ‘how are you doing?’ I should have realised it was over then, really - that’s not a normal way to be treated by anyone, least of all your husband

Oh no OP I know the whole house how he wants it thing too! But done in a passive aggressive way where I ended up doing all the washing, cooking and cleaning. Dishwasher had to be stacked a certain way even though he never did the stacking of said dishwasher, pantry had to be organised a certain way, etc. Now my walls are painted the colours I like, new pictures of things I like have finally been put on the walls and I went through and changed bedding, towels and dinnerware. Threw out all gifts from his family, some accidentally smashed as they went in the bin, oops. Then when I felt settled I bought new shoes and clothes. And you know what? There is now less mess to clean up overall and even though my children are always here everyone is calmer. You’ll get your environment how you like it over time and will feel so much better. This middle bit taking care of admin etc will be hard but it is temporary.

@Milliepossum that’s extremely heartening, I’ll keep that end state in mind. Maybe a Pinterest board is in order. I feel so free

Balzac20 when I threw my late husband out (completely different reason from you) , the first things I did were get new crockery and cutlery and get a new sofa - it felt like making my mark. We've gradually got rid of all trace of him since and it's incredibly freeing.

Tell him you'll stay but:
instead of having sex with him you will in future be getting your jollies off with a gigolo
he'll have to babysit once a week so you can go out and get slaughtered and have sex with above mentioned sex worker
Sound good?
Can't think why not...

@willloman ha ha god that’s it, isn’t it? That’s the situation. Oof. When you put it like that...

@QuentinWinters I found out 3 months ago about my husband camming, and last night we've agreed to separate. Your message is timely! I just couldn't imagine every relaxing about it.

Good luck febo. you'll be OK but I'm still very angry with mine for destroying my trust in him and as a result the marriage.
Plus I stupidly was too ashamed to tell people/our children and as a result he got to spin it as we had problems and i wouldn't fight for the marriage which caused lots of problems. I did end up telling the children which has made things alot easier

'I don’t want him ever seeing my body again and having the opportunity to decide if he does or does not want it.'

This is exactly how I felt. My ex did the same to me. I put up with it for 8 years before I asked for a divorce last year. The relationship absolutely destroyed my mental health. I am glad I left. The divorce is so toxic but I am happier for leaving. You will be too, OP.

[quote Balzac20]@antonov funny you should mention that, I was just thinking about a cat! I have a good pension. I’m so glad I didn’t stop working after DS was born. It doesn’t bear thinking about the state I’d be in now.

The way I’m looking at it, because of the sort of man he is, even if we get back together there’s a high likelihood I’ll have to go through this pain at some point (the pain of breaking up for good). So I might as well get it over with now, rather than having it hang over me for an undetermined period of time. Urgh! Imagine!

I’ve just fully realised I can do whatever I want to the house! Jazzy towels next I think[/quote]
Same thing happened to a friend of mine (no prostitutes but multiple affairs) who’d been married to her DH for 22 years. She decided to try to save her ‘marriage’. Based on my experience, I tried to advise her against it but supported her best I could in her decision. Once the initial relief of being forgiven was over, her DH gradually became nasty toward her when he realised he was not going to be ‘allowed’ to have female ‘friends’, flirt with women, have their numbers in his phone etc. She realised he was just waiting for the dust to settle so he could go back to his ‘old lifestyle’. She wasted a further 3 years of her life trying to push through the disgust she felt sleeping with him. In the end she realised she’d made a big mistake. He needed other women to regulate his self esteem and always would. She realised she was just the ‘white goods’ running in the background of his life. She ended it it for good. It was inevitable but I was so sad seeing her waste those extra 3 years. If you are having any second thoughts, close your eyes and imagine being in bed with your DH and having sex with him which you would inevitably have to do if your were to give him a second chance. It should make you feel sick!. Don’t be my friend. Don’t make that mistake.

@ilikemethewayiam thanks for the cautionary tale - I think that’s the long and short of it, it’s really just delaying the inevitable. Maybe people can change but I’m not prepared to be a test case. Plus - if he really has just started using prostitutes for the first time, I think once you’ve overcome that mental shame/guilt barrier there’s nothing to stop you doing it all the time. I don’t fancy finding out !

@Balzac20

Glad to see you have a positive attitude with what is ahead of you. You're gonna play a blinder.

You could have some fun with this. When asked how you are going to support yourself when you are single, tell STBXH you are going to become a high-class escort. It's going to be £1,000 per hour. After all, why not? You have no low self-esteem. You are going to advertise under the name Lady L'Oreal. Because you are worth it.

Strength to you Balzac. By the sounds of it you are well rid of him. A lying cheating piece of filth like him isn't the kind of person you want to grow old with.

Well done op for your strength so far brilliant role model for others in the same boat
He’s disgusting and caught out
He’s made his bed

Thank you - it’s thanks to the excellent advice and support I’ve had here. To be honest when I first found out I was fully ready to go down the counselling/reconciliation route but now I’ve been helped to look through the ramifications of that, even though it looks like the ‘easy’ choice from some perspectives I can see it would be total death for my self esteem. Plus my eyes have been opened to the pets-and-soft-furnishings possibilities of post-marriage life !

I just want to hug you and hug you love. You’re going to be fine, you’re going to get through this, you’ll come out the other side and you’ll be a lot happier that you would ever be with this man.

There will be dark days, there will be days you wobble but these are the days that will fade away. You have friends and family and you have us.
Please stay close and we’ll be with you every step of the way.

To all going through similar anguish and betrayal - my heartfelt support and power to you all.

Plus... we need to see pics of your cat whenever you get it! :)

Balzac20

You are going to LOVE your new freedoms and release from anxiety....Cats, new linen, throws, pieces of art, different food, a routine to suit YOU - and most important - a decent nights sleep!!!

There will be yuk days - and there may be a few strung together - but everything passes and you are going to be fine - well done x 10000 !!!

Morning all, feeling pretty sad this morning. Not for me (I’m excited about the endless possibilities my future holds) but for my husband because I know he’s pinning all his hopes on counselling (first session this morning) and that he’s absolutely desperate to hold the family together. I know intellectually that it’s all his fault and he should have thought of that before but I believe he is really suffering and it’s hard for me, after 17 years, to see that. I’m certainly not going to get back with him, no way, but I do hate to see him pained like this.
But I don’t think me suffering causes him sadness, actually, when I think back to that miscarriage example. So why should I should let his feelings influence mine? It’s going to take a while to get out of the mindset of being a nice, caring person I guess.
Apologies for stream of consciousness - it helps to work things though on here

@Balzac20

Morning all, feeling pretty sad this morning. Not for me (I’m excited about the endless possibilities my future holds) but for my husband because I know he’s pinning all his hopes on counselling (first session this morning) and that he’s absolutely desperate to hold the family together. I know intellectually that it’s all his fault and he should have thought of that before but I believe he is really suffering and it’s hard for me, after 17 years, to see that. I’m certainly not going to get back with him, no way, but I do hate to see him pained like this. But I don’t think me suffering causes him sadness, actually, when I think back to that miscarriage example. So why should I should let his feelings influence mine? It’s going to take a while to get out of the mindset of being a nice, caring person I guess. Apologies for stream of consciousness - it helps to work things though on here

Please don't feel sad for him. He's cheated on you with prostitutes. A lot of prostitutes were people who were sexually abused/coerced and got into the line of work because they lack other ways to stay afloat financially. To my mind, those who use sex workers are rapists because you can't buy enthusiastic consent.

When you start to feel sorry for him just remind yourself that not only did he cheat on you, putting your health at risk, he purchased a woman to use sexually. Multiple times.

You can feel sad for him, its when that tips over into you prioritising his sadness over your needs that its a problem.
He knew this was a likely consequence of his actions, he did it anyway. I'm willing to bet the counselling today is all about him. Probably how you didn't prioritise him enough and he's a sex addict too, so couldn't help himself, boo hoo.
Just see if he asks or shows any insight at all into how you feel and any issues you might have with the marriage.