Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

[Balzac20]

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

A donation to an anti- trafficking charity - now that's classy! Good on you, You sound like a strong woman with integrity by the bucket load.

@Whitehorsewaves thank you! The thought of him seeing ‘stop the traffick’ on our bank statement makes me very satisfied

I'm loving your sense of humour

OP you sound awesome. Wishing you the very best of luck and for your little DC as well.

Maybe there's a tiny glimmer that your husband might change as a result of this (I do think people have the capacity to change and improve), then again, maybe there's not. But it's not for you to make that happen, or to be around to see it, he's a grown adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions. I can't imagine how hard it is to see someone you love going through the mill because of their own stupid, selfish and horribly misogynistic actions but you are coping with admirable dignity.

Maybe there's a tiny glimmer that your husband might change as a result of this (I do think people have the capacity to change and improve), then again, maybe there's not.

Oh FFS why are you even entertaining encouraging op to give chances to this cheating, prossie using, selfish, possibly sociopathic, moral vacuum "man".

He was cheating on her even before their child was born. That was kept quiet, then it was an emotional affair, then it was a physical affair too. That's even before the prostitutes.

I'm sorry if it came over like that, I don't think I was encouraging the OP to do that at all though.

He is trying to say to her that he will change, do anything to save the marriage blah blah. All I'm saying is that, while there is a tiny possibility that could be true, it's not her problem to solve no matter how hard that feels right now.

Holy shitballs, you just get better and better! You are 100% class, OP!!! I salute you!!!

Wow OP that’s a fantastic gesture AND just happens to be funny too! 😁

OP, you are 100% awesome!

@Balzac20

It’s such a weird argument, the ‘my self-worth is linked to being a worthless shit’ line. Although I don’t suppose they see it like that. I’m feeling a bit gloomy this morning. It’s such a waste of what I (thought I) had

OP, I remember that feeling. Keep reminding yourself that your marriage was based on a lie. It was fake, even though you weren’t aware of it. You are now. Knowledge is power. It’s like you were living the Truman Show but now you’ve seen the fake dome!

I’ve made a donation (joint account, obviously) to a trafficking charity in all of your honour

You are fabulous OP. You will get through this, I have no doubt. What a great gesture.

You are incredible op!!! How perfect the timing of your charity donation, and you really are way way too good for him.
Your contribution to the charity says more to me about your future: you are going to be just fine op, just fine. You have your whole life ahead of you.

In the months and years to come he will have plenty of time for regret, and that is no longer your problem. You have your son, you have your future, clean and wholesome without his grimy contribution contaminating your life. Being part of his very messed up world would eventually broken you.
Count your blessings every day, even if you just have a few right now. Hold on to them, and be glad that you found out - the years of your life that would have been wasted living a lie, with a man you considered decent and loving is anything but.

All the best to you

Thanks for your kind messages everyone. You have given me such a boost just when I needed it. The emoji selection is rubbish so you’ll just have to imagine a row of hearts

❤️💜🧡💛💚💙
Something like this OP? Right back atcha!
You got this, keep going and stay strong

I’ve been where you are 2 years ago, and I do remember the adrenaline rush of finally feeling in control of my life. I also bought new crockery, cushions etc and lots of new clothes. Probably all part of inventing the new me, who was no door mat. My DC were older, and probably wondered why I seemed so positive when I should have been more sad.

However, I am a decade older than you and still feel that I have my life in front of me. You are still young - make the most of how you feel right now, totally in control.

Hope you’re staying strong...

Hi @Eryouwhat thanks for checking in, I’m doing well (I think). I’m certainly not considering taking him back! I get sad when I think of all our shared history but taking him back won’t bring that back, nor does ending it with him change the fact that we did have a long stretch of happy time (which he ended by being a cheater).
Anyway, the decree nisi is in the post, we’ve agreed our financial split, I’m getting a mortgage by myself, bought a teetering stack of books and am planning my whole-house redecoration. Apart from the occasional wobble, I’m feeling great, and DS is as happy and chatty as ever.
I really can’t thank you all enough for your support, I think the partial key to me feeling so fine now is that I struck while the iron was hot and that I was firm in my decision. If I’d hung around (or allowed him to hang around) longer, and put off telling people in real life, I could have slid back into the (illusory) comfort of our relationship which would have been a mistake.
In short - I’m doing well. So well that I’m doling out LTB recommendations to anyone I know in a shitty relationship (I should probably try and reign that in!)

@Balzac20 thank you for updating us all and that you are doing well.

Fab update OP! I’ve been there so totally get how you’re feeling.

Having been through it myself I’m also firmly in the LTB camp now 😁. I don’t believe in second or third chances anymore. Why waste time with that!. Strike one, your out!

That's quick for a decree nisi!! Have you also been advised not to apply for the absolute until the financial order has been approved by the Courts? That takes a while.

@Fudgsicles that’s good to know re the phasing of the financial order and the decree absolute. I’m hoping we can get the order drafted soonish so I’ll wait until it’s signed and sealed before pushing the button on the absolute.

@ilikemethewayiam ha ha! Glad I’m not the only one. Ridding the world of shit relationships is my new calling. I think I had fallen into a trap of thinking a relationship is the be all and end all whereas who you happen to be sharing a duvet with accounts for, I dunno, 5-10% of an identity? There’s so much life outside and beyond.

So pleased to hear it well done op!!

[quote Balzac20]@ilikemethewayiam ha ha! Glad I’m not the only one. Ridding the world of shit relationships is my new calling. I think I had fallen into a trap of thinking a relationship is the be all and end all whereas who you happen to be sharing a duvet with accounts for, I dunno, 5-10% of an identity? There’s so much life outside and beyond.[/quote]
Although I did meet someone new and remarried after 11 years, the 5 years I was single was one of the best times of my life. I had my own house, decorated and furnished my way and to my taste. My time was mine to spend how I wanted and with who I wanted. I dated and dumped who I wanted for what ever reason I wanted. I never felt so free and happy!. I now know that if ever my current marriage failed I would be fine and happy being single. I wish every woman in a bad relationship could picture that future and make it happen!

Had your solicitor not advised you that?