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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband visited prostitutes - don’t know what to do

278 replies

Balzac20 · 11/10/2020 01:47

This is my first MN post, I’m a lurker but I don’t know all the etiquette so apologies in advance if this is not how things are done.
Anyway - this afternoon I went to use the family iPad and a load of messages pinged up (it’s linked to my husband’s Apple account but only syncs when you log in). Some of them were a bit weird so I entered the chat and saw that they were arranging a prostitute on a night out he’d had in London earlier this week, when he got home at 5am and was very hazy about the details of where he’d been all that time. After our guests left this evening I confronted him about it. He admitted he’d been to a prostitute, said it was because he had low self esteem (of course). When pushed he admitted to having gone to one a few weeks previously, in similar circumstances (very drunk in London).

He had tried to break up with me several years ago, but we ended up staying together. He never admitted what the problem had been but tonight he said he’d had an emotional affair with a colleague that he’d broken off. I don’t really buy that it wasn’t physical.

He says he loves us, loves our family, will do anything to save our marriage, that our recent lack of intimacy has been because he struggles to see me as anything other than a mother (we have a three year old DS). At my insistence, he’s looking for a marriage counsellor for us.

Having read similar threads on MN, it’s dawning on me that I have to break up with him. I don’t want my son thinking this is acceptable, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again. But we’ve been together since we were 20 (now late 30s), nearly all our friends are shared friends, we’re part of each other’s families etc. etc. I like the life I thought we had and would like to save it if at all possible. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice or perspectives would be most welcome.
Short version : husband of 7 years revealed to have visited prostitutes, I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 13/10/2020 08:55

What is the goal of the counselling? Are you going because you want it to help you become separate co-parents? Or have you told him you're going because you agree that saving the marriage is an option?

I honestly wouldn't bother with it.

GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 09:00

When you start to feel sorry for him just remind yourself that not only did he cheat on you, putting your health at risk, he purchased a woman to use sexually. Multiple times.

To me the "emotional affair" that he's now admitted he was lying about not being physical was bad enough , before even getting onto the cheating with prostitutes.

GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 09:06

And yes op, you're correct in thinking he doesn't appear to have any reciprocal sympathy/empathy/consideration for you; whether he has a personality disorder or not, who knows, it doesn't change anything. He sounds like a deeply selfish, immoral individual.

Don't waste your soft heartedness on a creature like him.

GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 09:08

He thinks the counseling is a tool to get him what he wants - which at this point I'd not to break up. He'll spout whatever bullshit he thinks is necessary to convince you to stay so he can be back in a position of relative power (making decisions instead of having them made for him).

GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 09:10

*is not to break up

Original poster
Balzac20 · 13/10/2020 09:20

I think we have different goals for the counselling, which probably means it’s doomed to fail. My aim is to help us communicate so we can navigate this period of organising our separation and eventual divorce while keeping things amicable and stable for DS. I think his is for us to reconcile as a couple.
I hate to see him, or anyone in this much pain, but it’s not my job (as I have to keep reminding myself) to paint a picture for him of a future where we can coparent happily and cordially and where his relationship with DS is preserved. I’m sure we can get there but I’m not trying to convince him to agree to split, that’s a decision I can make unilaterally (just as he decided unilaterally to sleep with prostitutes).

OP posts:
DragonPie · 13/10/2020 11:25

Is he sad for what he’s done and for you or just for himself?

Him being desperate to keep his family together wasn’t exactly in the forefront of his mind when he was sleeping around.

At counselling you need to try and shut off any feelings of sympathy. Beware he might try and get the counsellor on side and become the victim.

Original poster
Balzac20 · 13/10/2020 12:10

Well that was absolutely gruesome. Horrendous. I made it clear repeatedly that I’m not up for whatever self help/personality change he’s got planned to make himself a better man to save our marriage, but there were a few times that it seemed he was trying to spin the narrative that it was me who wasn’t willing to save the marriage.
It’s really weird that he’s not particularly willing to engage on how enormous a betrayal the prostitutes thing is. He said the drinking is a trigger so he’s going to give that up. But maybe he should have thought about that after the first time (or even before), rather than after getting caught.
Nothing particularly insightful here other than a hot take and confirmation that we’re definitely on the path to separation/divorce, and I don’t know how on earth we’re going to work out how to split things. (Solicitor appointment booked for next week)

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 13/10/2020 12:22

there were a few times that it seemed he was trying to spin the narrative that it was me who wasn’t willing to save the marriage
Yep. That's my exH narrative too. That's why I wish I'd told people
He still won't acknowledge his role in our split, it makes it almost impossible to get on with him. But basically all part of the same pattern where he can only think of himself.

QuentinWinters · 13/10/2020 12:23

Well done for sticking to your guns though Flowers

Original poster
Balzac20 · 13/10/2020 12:41

I feel so sick. Things are getting real

OP posts:
LulaLuna · 13/10/2020 12:47

You know the truth. He wont change, its a deeply sick person who has sex with a prostitute. I suggest you move on. If you stay it will be torture for you everyday

Original poster
Balzac20 · 13/10/2020 12:52

I just will not be made to feel bad that I’m walking away from it! It’s a total dealbreaker and any right thinking person would be able to see that. I must have previously been a total walkover if it’s coming as so much to a shock to him that I won’t stand for this

OP posts:
Aroaringfire · 13/10/2020 13:02

Op there's a lot of steps between being dissatisfied in a marriage/being horny when drunk and sleeping with (multiple?) sex workers. Your husbands failure to address things at any point on that spectrum is the reason the marriage is over. You have nothing to feel guilty about; he's pretending you have a choice when the choice he's presenting isn't real - he's already taken it way beyond salvageable.

Collidascope · 13/10/2020 13:15

What strikes me from reading your posts, OP, is that you almost seem relieved that he's given you a huge unambiguous reason to split. I suspect he's been making you unhappy for a while. Good luck with it all and don't let him make you feel bad. What he wants is the status quo maintaining, and because you won't play along anymore, he's upset and angry. It's still all about what he wants.

Original poster
Balzac20 · 13/10/2020 13:26

@Collidascope maybe you’re right - that and the fact I wasn’t exactly shocked or surprised means that I’ve probably been living with the possibility of this for a while. I really don’t know what happens next. He needs to let it sink in I guess that it’s over and move into a more practical mindset about how to make it work. And do some soul-searching. And hope his sister doesn’t cut his bollocks off when she finds out

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 13/10/2020 13:45

@LaBellina

You don't HAVE to break with him OP. Ultimately it's your decision to stay with him or not.

But I think you should ask yourself 3 questions at least.

  1. Would a man who really loves and values you, do this to you? Emotional affair and prostitutes?
  2. Can you trust him again after this?
  3. Even if the above answer is yes, could you forgive him for his betrayal?

Sending you a hug, this is awful Flowers

Hi Op, I literally only read the first response but it hit the nail on the head for me. My ex husband didn't visit prostitutes as he found someone willing to do it for free. Our circumstances were similar though in that we were 39 and 40, had been together since we were 21 (and also for 2 years from 16-18), most of our joint friends we'd had for the same amount of time. My family were more of a family to him than his own, we had 2 kids.

when I found out about his affair it broke my heart but ultimately I asked myself the above questions and the answers were 'no'. As much as I loved him, spending the rest of my life with someone who thought so little of me to do that would have killed me slowly.

My life isn't how I imagined it to be at this point but I'm certain it's better than living with someone I was constantly wondering about. Wondering if he loved me, if he'd do it again, if he'd done it more than once...

Wishing you the best of luck.

Collidascope · 13/10/2020 13:53

Do you get the impression that he's really accepted that you want it to be over, or does he think that you just need some time to have your tantrum and then you'll let him walk back in, he'll be good for a few weeks and then normal business will resume?
If it's the latter, I'd be wary of him getting quite nasty and awkward when he realises that isn't going to happen.

Drinkingallthewine · 13/10/2020 13:58

@Balzac20

I just will not be made to feel bad that I’m walking away from it! It’s a total dealbreaker and any right thinking person would be able to see that. I must have previously been a total walkover if it’s coming as so much to a shock to him that I won’t stand for this
Ah the guilt trip. Making out that it's you that's throwing away the marriage.

He did that when he crossed the line with other women. That was the point the marriage ended, you just didn't know about it until now.

Original poster
Balzac20 · 13/10/2020 14:02

@Collidascope I am worried about this. He has two very good friends (who are both good men who I trust) who I think should be able to steer him off being nasty. They’re spending the next week with him so hopefully will help him see sense

OP posts:
Collidascope · 13/10/2020 14:07

I hope it all goes well for you, Balzac. I reckon, despite the nastiness of all this, it's going to work out for the best for you. Flowers

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 14:08

Wishing you the best Balzac and wanted to say I admire your strength to walk away from this. It's not easy but it's definitely the right thing to do.

ilikemethewayiam · 13/10/2020 16:00

@Balzac20

I just will not be made to feel bad that I’m walking away from it! It’s a total dealbreaker and any right thinking person would be able to see that. I must have previously been a total walkover if it’s coming as so much to a shock to him that I won’t stand for this
Gosh that reminded me of when I found out about all the Ex’s OW’s and prostitutes. He’d clearly been doing it for so long that in his mind he had normalised it So when I told him it was over, he almost collapsed with shock. He was sobbing and said I ‘never dreamt you would ever leave me!’ I remember thinking jeez, he must have really seen me as a doormat to ever think that!
GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 17:21

He was sobbing and said I ‘never dreamt you would ever leave me!’ I remember thinking jeez, he must have really seen me as a doormat to ever think that!

I think it's a lack of empathy, alongside selfishness and other traits bordering on personality disorders.
Happens among both sexes but men do seem to be more inclined to that sort of thinking and behaviour (I'm entitled to do whatever I like but you have no right to leave, only I decide if and when it's over).

GilbertMarkham · 13/10/2020 17:41

The other thing that's struck me here is that he's actually confessed to a (physical) affair - which is enough for many people to end a marriage/relationship, yet it's apparently not even being mentioned because of the prostitute use.

Oh and drinking ... Seriously, fk off. How many people have drink problems but don't look up, book and follow through on using a prostitute (more than once).