Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

I spent £5

161 replies

KitKat500 · 10/10/2020 13:42

Hello all

Yesterday my OH and I got into it over £5.

Basically, we have a budget for our monthly groceries which we put away in a pot at the beginning of each month. This money covers all food and drink needed for our family for the month. Some months we spend less and other months we go slightly over.

Anyway... I took £5 out and purchased a few bits and bobs such as pasta, pasta sauce, veg, fizzy drink, garlic baguette and crisps.

My OH noticed money was missing from the pot and questioned me if I’d taken it, to which I responded yes I’d bought some bits and pieces. (His approach was very negative, he was clearly angry)

I then showed him the receipts (I had kept them as I knew he would bring it up at some point, he’s very tight, a total miser who keeps tabs). Instead of toning down his voice and adjusting his horrible attitude he continued and scolded me about how it was an unnecessary spend. He said the things I’d bought weren’t really needed and we could have done without them. (He ate the pasta the previous day, drank the fizzy drink too)

My view on food and his view on food is very different. He’s happy to eat from what we have at home but if I feel like cooking something up I’ll happily go and buy the ingredients and cook it. I don’t restrict myself, never have in the department of food. If you have the means I don’t think you should live like you don’t.

I was embarrassed, he humiliated me. Made me explain myself over a £5 spend. I was absolutely mortified and I’m aware this is financial abuse.

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after.

I’m just disgusted with him, money isn’t an issue for us. We both work. He’s just a total tight man, everything starts and finishes with money for him. I’m not an excessive spender, I’m good with money but when it comes to food and drink I don’t restrict myself.

OP posts:

HP2020 · 10/10/2020 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MoodShiteing · 10/10/2020 13:45

Tell him to shop for himself and you'll see to yourself and DC. He can be tight if he wants, doesn't mean he gets to force it on you.

devildeepbluesea · 10/10/2020 13:49

Well of course you could stay with him. But you know what he's like and that this is never going to change. And neither is your or your child's life unless you accept the power to do something about that is in your hands.

Livandme · 10/10/2020 13:50

Separate finances and cooking and you can both be happier.

Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 13:50

Ok so you’ve ruled out leaving him.

That means you have to find a way to live with him. Because he won’t change.

So what are your options?

Accept this controlling behaviour and how it makes you feel.

Or refuse to be part of it. Refuse to contribute your money to his pot of control. Buy food only for you and your child. He can start with himself if he likes. Split other house hold bills, including all child related costs, exactly in half and keep all the rest of your money to yourself. Spend it on what you like and let him be miserable with his own money.

StephenBelafonte · 10/10/2020 13:50

I don't understand.

So every month you put money into the pot and then when you need food you take it out of the pot is that right? So if you take money out of the pot to buy food when you need to, how can there be money missing?

BillywilliamV · 10/10/2020 13:51

Just tell him this isn’t how life is going to be, tell him you’ll spend money on whatever you want and laugh in his face when he questions it.
You’ve got to stand up for yourself or your life won’t be worth living.

Squiffany · 10/10/2020 13:51

@HP2020

Is he a taurus

What?

formerbabe · 10/10/2020 13:51

This would only be reasonable if you were absolutely poverty stricken. Are you?

burnoutbabe · 10/10/2020 13:51

do you have a pot in which should have (say £200) in and then you put receipts in when spending - so he thought it had been miscalculated? so £5 missing and no receipt?

I can see why then you'd ask why £5 missing if that is the system and both have agreed to stick to that. As someone could have taken the £5 in cash, ie the child (if old enough)

But apart from that, i assume there was cash to spend in the pot, so you are still under the food budget for the month? so no need to query that part of the issue.

Frappuccinofan · 10/10/2020 13:53

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after.

Not being funny but what solution are you actually after then? You have already tried to speak to him about this and justify your position, he wasn’t having it. You know he won’t change, in his view you’re the issue, not him? In a healthy relationship, no one would be interrogated over a £5 spend, regardless of what it was on. It’s only £5. So what solution are you after as you can’t magically fix his unreasonable, controlling way?

notapizzaeater · 10/10/2020 13:54

I can't believe you even kept the receipt knowing he was going to ask. Hes abusive and mean, not a good trait !

Smallsteps88 · 10/10/2020 13:55

@StephenBelafonte

I don't understand.

I think it’s a pot for her OH to take money out of as he please but OP needs to ask permission and justify her expenses.

user128472578267 · 10/10/2020 13:55

Fine, so you want your child to grow up in this kind of stressful environment thinking this behaviour is normal?

Nobody thinks leaving is easy, but life doesn't always give us the luxury of an easy path.

You can't change him and nobody has a magic spell to make that happen. The only thing within your power is to leave.

Don't make out that's not a choice. It is.

Flaunch · 10/10/2020 13:59

There are only possible solutions to this

Leave him
Take the piss out of his miserly ways and live your life how you want to, spending family money as you see fit.
Put up with it.

Dollyrocket · 10/10/2020 13:59

Jesus, what an absolute prick.

I’m sorry I can’t advise, I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with someone who was this tight and who felt like they had any right to question my spending, let alone £5 on food for dinner ingredients.

Why would you want to subject your child to a lifetime of this? 😫

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 10/10/2020 14:02

Well you can't live like this! Especially with a child. This is not the way other people live.

What's going to happen when your child loses his water bottle at school? Is your dc going to be preparing a defence before he goes home like you have with your receipt keeping? Is he going to be allowed a friend over to play because that friend might eat some pasta and some fizzy drink so that won't go down well.

My mother's best friend was married for forty years to a man like this. Is the lightbulb went in the lamp she would have to pay for it out of her own money, not the joint money because he didn't use that lamp. She read her books with the lamp. There might be a spare lightbulb on the shelf but that was for communal lighting so she would have to go out and get her own.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2020 14:05

If you won’t leave him what do you want to do? You know what he’s like, it’s pathetic and horrible. If you want to stay with someone like that, to raise your child with someone you know behaves unacceptably, then that’s your choice but you’re failing your child. That’s shit for them.

Crystal90567 · 10/10/2020 14:10

Speak to your bank and your employer and change passwords and open new bank account for your earnings. Then keep all your finances separate. Like flatmates.

Do you earn equally? If so split costs 50/50 including childcare.
If he earns more then split it to a ratio of take home pay.

Do not accept gifts from him. It's not worth it and is used as leverage.

It will be awkward buying childrens clothes and toys / equipment (he wants cheapest or to make do without, you want normality) but I suppose you could make a spreadsheet or set a budget. Or buy things he doesn't approve of/ give permission for out of your own money.

It would be far simpler to leave him. You cant live happily like this and will be far richer without him. I went through this and now everytime I shop (esp for blenders, botox and blouses :) ) I realise I wouldn't be allowed to do it if he were still with me.

If he gets angry,aggressive or violent about you keeping your money you must leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2020 14:10

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after."

What other solution other than leaving is there?. You've tried talking and that went down predictably with him like a lead balloon. You are living with a financial controller and that is no life for you nor your child. This relationship is an abusive one.

There is fundamentally no "together" here and you should not stay in such a relationship just because of or for your child. This man you're with sees himself as king of the castle with you acting like the serf and bowing down to him accordingly.

Your child is seeing and will further learn from this unhealthy model of a relationship. That person will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them. All you will further show your child by staying is that it is ok in your eyes for your partner to control you like you are. It does not bode well for your long term relationship with your child either.

VictoriaBun · 10/10/2020 14:10

Someone I worked with had a husband who would read the gas & electric meter every week. If it was up one week they had to use less the next week. They had to eat the same thing every week , so sausages Mon , Lasagne Tues , etc. Bath once a week.

LadyFannyButton · 10/10/2020 14:10

@devildeepbluesea

I agree, he isn’t going to change. To be with someone so financially controlling will have a huge impact on DC’s life. How long will it be before you stop taking out of the pot at all because it isn’t worth the anger/humiliation from him?

AdaColeman · 10/10/2020 14:13

You won't change him, his miserly nature will be fixed now.

His attitude to you is one of total control, (eg querying £5!) and you are colluding with this by being prepared to justify your spending decisions to him.
You will find it soul destroying to have his level of control continually asserted over you. It is not a happy way to live.

If you are determined to stay with him, you will have to find areas where he is unable to challenge your decisions, eg your own bank and savings accounts or household money that you alone makes the decisions about, without any checks from him.

One thing I've noticed about misers, is that while at first they are concerned with money and material things, this attitude soon pervades their entire life, so they become mean in every area, emotions, love, laughter. If you stay with him you and your child will lead joyless lives.

ComicePear · 10/10/2020 14:14

What a mean, horrible man. Not just the money thing in itself but his attitude towards you in talking about it.

I agree with pp - either split up, or tell him that his attitude has to change or you'll walk (maybe try counselling?), or keep all finances and cooking separate.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 10/10/2020 14:14

I suspect you are paying more for the running of the house, OP?

What a miserable way to live, you don't need to live with him to raise your child.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7