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Original poster

I spent £5

161 replies

KitKat500 · 10/10/2020 13:42

Hello all

Yesterday my OH and I got into it over £5.

Basically, we have a budget for our monthly groceries which we put away in a pot at the beginning of each month. This money covers all food and drink needed for our family for the month. Some months we spend less and other months we go slightly over.

Anyway... I took £5 out and purchased a few bits and bobs such as pasta, pasta sauce, veg, fizzy drink, garlic baguette and crisps.

My OH noticed money was missing from the pot and questioned me if I’d taken it, to which I responded yes I’d bought some bits and pieces. (His approach was very negative, he was clearly angry)

I then showed him the receipts (I had kept them as I knew he would bring it up at some point, he’s very tight, a total miser who keeps tabs). Instead of toning down his voice and adjusting his horrible attitude he continued and scolded me about how it was an unnecessary spend. He said the things I’d bought weren’t really needed and we could have done without them. (He ate the pasta the previous day, drank the fizzy drink too)

My view on food and his view on food is very different. He’s happy to eat from what we have at home but if I feel like cooking something up I’ll happily go and buy the ingredients and cook it. I don’t restrict myself, never have in the department of food. If you have the means I don’t think you should live like you don’t.

I was embarrassed, he humiliated me. Made me explain myself over a £5 spend. I was absolutely mortified and I’m aware this is financial abuse.

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after.

I’m just disgusted with him, money isn’t an issue for us. We both work. He’s just a total tight man, everything starts and finishes with money for him. I’m not an excessive spender, I’m good with money but when it comes to food and drink I don’t restrict myself.

OP posts:
HandfulofDust · 10/10/2020 14:15

If he's not generally controlling but just has an issue over money then I would just suggest separating your finances. Agree on how much you each put into the pot for bills and mortgage stuff only include essential household expenses in that. Anything extra either of you want can come out of your seperate pot.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/10/2020 14:15

Why did u explain yourself ? Is money actually tight?

notacooldad · 10/10/2020 14:16

He’s just a total tight man, everything starts and finishes with money for him
Has he always been tight?
Its unlikely that he will change. Attitudes to money are deep rooted.
For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after
Stay and put up with a miserable existence justifying every pound you spend then. Also you will be humiliated for the rest of your life.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 14:17

I also don’t understand, if the money is for food and drink and that’s what you purchased what is the issue exactly?

And if he has these issues and you’re both very financially comfortable then why not spend a fiver out any other pot, why is upset a fiver was spent on food and drink that was for food and drink?

MrsBrunch · 10/10/2020 14:18

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after.

Then you just have to suck it up.

However, you really should have a good think about what you consider 'raising a child' really is. Basically you are teaching your child about relationships so...

diddl · 10/10/2020 14:19

Seems an odd way of going on to me.

I assume you meal plan & sometimes don't fancy what you've planned so buy for a different meal instead?

The stuff for the planned meal gets used at some point so no waste?

What would happen if you left him to sort out meals/shopping?

HollowTalk · 10/10/2020 14:20

I've never heard of someone having to show their husband a receipt for what they've bought, unless the receipt is needed in case of a return. He sounds a miserable and tightfisted bastard.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 10/10/2020 14:22

You took £5 from the food pot and spent on food for the family.

He's a twat.

I couldn't live like this.

And I wouldn't raise my child in a house where he thinks financially abusing your spouse and humiliating them over spending food money on food is normal, acceptable behaviour.

ToastyCrumpet · 10/10/2020 14:23

I knew someone whose wife left him because he had a go when she lost the receipt for a new iron. He was our head of finance. The point there is you can account for every penny if it’s your job, but personal relationships are different. Anyway, is his job in finance, op?

coffeelover3 · 10/10/2020 14:23

Im sorry OP but miserly-ness would be a deal breaker for me. I cant stand it in anyone. Generosity of spirit would be top of the list for me in a partner. Sorry I cant be much help. If miserly is in his nature, I don't see how you can change it.

I guess you could separate the finances more. Have separate accounts - maybe you have this already... Or contribute less to the 'pot' and keep some back to spend on yourself and your child if you decide to cook something that's not in the cupboard.

He sounds horrible though, sorry. You might have some thinking to do if you want to live your life like this. Or if his other qualities make up for it.

My grandparents had separate money. It was very funny - if they went to the shop they would 'owe' each other 25p or other small amounts. It worked for them though. My grandfather was a bit of a 'throw it to the wind, spend it if you have it' while my grandmother would count every penny - not miserly, just very very careful. It worked for them though, they were together 51 years :) But I'd question your dh's nastiness. If it really bothers him, maybe you could set up a different system, but if he's just using it to 'get at you' you might be on a losing battle.

Zilla1 · 10/10/2020 14:23

Is he solely controlling concerning finances or does it tend to coercive control over other aspects of your life, OP?

Fortunategirl · 10/10/2020 14:24

You work and you’re having to fight for £5? He’s treating you like utter shit. You have to raise a child but you don’t have to do with with him! Show him the door. Show him you won’t be spoken to like this

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 14:25

It makes no sense.

If the money was really really tight and you had to very carefully budget what you spend the food budget on and couldn’t afford to buy extra, I’d get it to some extent, but when you can easily afford it, you have your own money, you don’t need a food budget and both earn, then I just can’t understand why he’s upset about buying food with food money. It was a fiver. And you need to keep receipts to prove what you spent the fiver on? That’s one of the oddest things I’ve read on here.

Coffeecak3 · 10/10/2020 14:25

If you want to stay with him then I think you need to get someone he respects to embarrass him over this.
I wouldn't normally bring other people into your affairs but in this case you haven't much to lose. He already treats you badly.

notacooldad · 10/10/2020 14:27

I've never heard of someone having to show their husband a receipt for what they've bought, unless the receipt is needed in case of a return. He sounds a miserable and tightfisted bastard
I have, in some of the domestic abuse cases I have supported.
This sounds like the start of such case ( not saying it is but this us how things have started)

Op. You are accountable for £5!!! You've had to show him a receipt
He has scolded you!!!
He has humiliated you.
He made you accountable.
You are aware it is financial abuse.
You do know that abuse escalates don't you.
But you dont want to leave!🤷‍♀️

shesgonebatshitagain · 10/10/2020 14:28

You bought all that for a fiver?misses the point spectacularly I know but that’s amazing

In the other hand he sounds unbearable

Mydogmylife · 10/10/2020 14:28

Good heavens! But you know perfectly well that this is more than just a row over spending a fiver though don't you? This is control at its most basic, and although I understand that you don't want to split over it, surely this is not how you want your child to see how relationships work?

skodadoda · 10/10/2020 14:29

@BillywilliamV

Just tell him this isn’t how life is going to be, tell him you’ll spend money on whatever you want and laugh in his face when he questions it. You’ve got to stand up for yourself or your life won’t be worth living.
This.
RightOnTheEdge · 10/10/2020 14:29

What a miserable way to live!

If you are determined not to leave him then you need to either accept it
or
Tell him to get fucked and he's not the boss of you. Who does he think he is treating you that way?

You need to sit him down and have a serious talk to him and tell him you won't accept his behavior.

GabsAlot · 10/10/2020 14:30

do you earn yourown money if so i think you should keep it seprate and spend what you want-hes being ridiculous

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 14:30

@Coffeecak3

If you want to stay with him then I think you need to get someone he respects to embarrass him over this. I wouldn't normally bring other people into your affairs but in this case you haven't much to lose. He already treats you badly.
Don’t do this op. It’s ridiculous.

You earn the money, you can spend it on what you wish. Just tell him to do one. Stop putting up with this shit.

Honestly if my husband asked to see a receipt for our food shopping and complained about spending a fiver I’d tell him to go fuck himself. Fortunately for him, I can’t imagine him ever doing such a thing. That would only occur if we were really really really skint.

1forAll74 · 10/10/2020 14:33

Surely nobody is going to say leave your partner because of buying some crisps,pasta and fizzy drinks ! Some people are extra careful with money, and get called tight, but it's how some people are.. I would not like my little savings stash to be spent on crisps and fizzy drinks though !!

MashedSweetSpud · 10/10/2020 14:33

I know you say you don’t want to leave but is Ebenezer the same with other expenses?

Being berated over £5 which he ate and drank part of is no way to exist.

ShalomToYouJackie · 10/10/2020 14:35

If you won't leave him then what are we meant to suggest?

Are you happy for your DP to be in an environment where they think treating their other half like this?

ShalomToYouJackie · 10/10/2020 14:35

Is OK*

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