I spent £5

[KitKat500]

Hello all

Yesterday my OH and I got into it over £5.

Basically, we have a budget for our monthly groceries which we put away in a pot at the beginning of each month. This money covers all food and drink needed for our family for the month. Some months we spend less and other months we go slightly over.

Anyway... I took £5 out and purchased a few bits and bobs such as pasta, pasta sauce, veg, fizzy drink, garlic baguette and crisps.

My OH noticed money was missing from the pot and questioned me if I’d taken it, to which I responded yes I’d bought some bits and pieces. (His approach was very negative, he was clearly angry)

I then showed him the receipts (I had kept them as I knew he would bring it up at some point, he’s very tight, a total miser who keeps tabs). Instead of toning down his voice and adjusting his horrible attitude he continued and scolded me about how it was an unnecessary spend. He said the things I’d bought weren’t really needed and we could have done without them. (He ate the pasta the previous day, drank the fizzy drink too)

My view on food and his view on food is very different. He’s happy to eat from what we have at home but if I feel like cooking something up I’ll happily go and buy the ingredients and cook it. I don’t restrict myself, never have in the department of food. If you have the means I don’t think you should live like you don’t.

I was embarrassed, he humiliated me. Made me explain myself over a £5 spend. I was absolutely mortified and I’m aware this is financial abuse.

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after.

I’m just disgusted with him, money isn’t an issue for us. We both work. He’s just a total tight man, everything starts and finishes with money for him. I’m not an excessive spender, I’m good with money but when it comes to food and drink I don’t restrict myself.

Christ sake
Separate your finances and buy whatever you want without having to justify it.
Life is waaay to short to be having to justify spending a fiver on pasta, juice and garlic bread. Sounds bloody miserable !

I couldn't live like that, it's very controlling. It sounds like the monthly pot thing isn't working. If you want to make it work maybe make some changes around that. Although to be honest if someone was criticising me for buying £5 of food they could do their own shopping (on their own, in their own house, whilst I run in the other direction).

I’m aware this is financial abuse.

You're not wrong OP. xxx

Surely nobody is going to say leave your partner because of buying some crisps,pasta and fizzy drinks ! Some people are extra careful with money, and get called tight, but it's how some people are.. I would not like my little savings stash to be spent on crisps and fizzy drinks though !!

@1forAll74 It's not a saving stash, it's their food money. OP spent it on food, not luxury food either.

It's the way he approached it too- angry, confrontational, interrogating. It's not ok.

OP wouldn't be leaving him over some pasta if she left, it's over his controllingness and temper.

@KitKat500 I agree with PP's that if you choose to stay with him, the easiest way to live is probably to reorganize your finances somehow.

I'm sorry that you have to put up with this, he sounds insane. I couldn't live like that, I understand it's not as simple as 'just leave him', but I really think you need to sit and and discuss this, he sounds very controlling. I don't think my DP even notices if I use the joint account for things I haven't mentioned and wouldn't even question it if he did, he is far from tight with money. But come on, it's £5! He needs to get a grip.

@katy1213 what options does she have if she won't leave?

Is worried about job security at the moment or suffering from financial anxiety? Could there be debts you don’t know about?

The rudeness is totally unacceptable and you do need to stand up for yourself and say this isn’t working, we can afford to spend x on food so accept it and even if we couldn’t then you still don’t speak to me like that.

Maybe it’s time to look at how you manage finances together? I couldn’t stay with someone so rude and dominant of how we did something but also I understand what anxiety around money can be like and until we paid off our mortgage I was exceedingly careful with it even though I didn’t need to be and would bite my tongue when DH bought what I considered crap and I would be thinking that is money wasted.

My husband and I keep our finances separate and it works really well for us. We each have certain things we pay for - I buy all the food, he looks after the car (fuel, repairs etc.) Some bills we split down the middle. Because I earn significantly more I do pay for any extras - especially discretionary expenses like meals out, days out with the kids, holidays, family gifts etc. We both know where we stand though and he never questions what I spend and I never question what he spends because our money is our own (even though we jointly decide how to spend on living and family expenses). I could NOT live in a situation where I was questioned over spending £5 on something small like food (that we both ate!) OP please don't live like that - if it isn't already it will become a miserable existence and you will eventually come to resent your husband. You need some bit of freedom to spend on essentials without being harrassed.

It's too big an issue to just accept though isn't it? We all have negative traits but being tight and miserly permeates into every aspect of your lives together. It's such an unattractive trait I could never, ever be with someone like that, as it tends to suck the joy and spontaneity out of life.

I have no advice as I would just find this far to intolerable to live with.

Read The Storm by Amanda Jennings. It's fiction but it covers this specific things SO well in my opinion.

But it's totally unacceptable OP.

[quote katy1213]@meckity1 That's appalling. Like a textbook answer on how to tolerate abuse. What's in the next chapter? How to walk into a door and hide the bruises?[/quote]
My thoughts exactly. By being so secretive OP would be setting herself up for a massive tantrum, (or worse), from OH when he found out.

@skodadoda I don't see what other options she has if she won't leave. He won't change. The best she can do, in my opinion, is enjoy the lulls before the storm.

Perhaps she can push back on one or two things, like her right to buy an ice cream on the weekend or something, and make a stand on those. Or even get him to agree to separate shopping and cooking, though she'd have to lock her stuff up.

Shoplift the pasta sauce next time OP

@Meckity1 I can't believe what you have written. Are you trying to scare OP into leaving?

OP, is he only like this about food budget?

How old is your child? Will you have to justify every penny you spend on them over the years? Every time they need new shoes, a haircut? How's he going to feel when your DC is invited to parties and needs a gift to take? A school trip paid for? Or simply deserves a treat?

Are you happy? Do you think your child will be happy being raised in this home?

If the answer to both of those questions is a clear yes then I can understand why you don't want to leave him, but from your OP I'm guessing that the answer to at least one of those questions is a very firm no...

It will not get better. My exh was tight, used to search the bin to see what I’d wasted that day, and bollock me for my extravagances; half a yellowing cabbage justified his control. It was a horrid way to live and I lost all confidence. The abuse starts small but escalates, in subtle ways, and before you know it 27 years will have passed (there’s never a “good” time to leave) and you will realise that you jump and panic when you hear his car. Go now, living with an abuser is vile; you’ve recognised he is abusive and as others have said it is no way for your child to grow up. Life once free is truly wonderful.

School pumps.

Dd3 had very narrow feet. Ds, 18 months younger, wide, chunky feet. However they were roughly the same size, say a 13. Exh was furious when I bought them each a pair, could see no reason why the couldn’t share. The pumps in those days cost around £3.00 from Woolworths.

That was how it was, constantly. It never let up.

Not a great situation is it, are there other things that have gone on, as I always find it hard to believe they are isolated situations, but then there has always got to be a beginning to these problems.

Sounds like my father, only each abusive person has their own abusive sides. He will go around turning off lights in other rooms as it is wasting electricity I assume that's why. But a room he keeps and uses as a junk room/his room, he will leave the light on all the time, even when not in that room.
I need to write a separate post of my own for that situation though.

Being in your situation will put you on edge about stuff though, and you will wonder how he will react which is not good or healthy.

I couldn’t bear to live like that. Even having a pot for food money seems a bit strange to me, but to then be challenged by buying food with money from the food pot of money and it gets even worse.

As you have ruled out leaving him then you either put up with it or you stop doing the food money pot thing and just buy what you want when you want and don’t save your receipts or justify it.

You don’t have to engage in these conversations with him. Just start shutting them down, maybe come up with a few practised sentences to repeat.

He has different views than you, it obviously pisses him off. No reason to break up a family, just keep trying different things to make this difference less of an issue.

You do realise it's far worse for your child to grow up in an abusive household than a divorced one, so don't pull the 'but we have a child' rubbish. He isn't going to change. Stop justifying your purchases to him, it's total power play.

How old is your DC, could you wait until they are 16 and then leave him. As others have said he won't change.

Ok you don't want to leave him. And presumably you've tried talking to him and being reasonable?

So when he's nasty to you, what do you do? Try and talk calmly and explain yourself? Stay silent?

Have you tried being nasty back? So when he says something mean, snarl back, something along the lines of "I'll spend £5 on what I fucking like, why don't you wind your neck in, you tight, pathetic little bastard". Or something along those lines. Don't walk away, confront him out.

Sometimes bullies just need telling.

Obviously not in front of the DCs.

I'll probably get shouted down for this but if you tolerate being spoken to like shit by your DH, he'll keep on doing it.

The only way this is remotely ok is if you have a history of being really bad with money, spending on unnecessary things repeatedly out of joint money, nuilt up debts etc and this was either the straw that broke the camels back, or looked like the beginning of previous behaviour

I presume that’s not the case?

"I'm not looking for advice to LTB" So sign off and go ask for advice from your fairy god mother because YOU DO KNOW it's abuse and are unwilling to do anything about it-why the hell come on asking for advice?