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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I spent £5

161 replies

KitKat500 · 10/10/2020 13:42

Hello all

Yesterday my OH and I got into it over £5.

Basically, we have a budget for our monthly groceries which we put away in a pot at the beginning of each month. This money covers all food and drink needed for our family for the month. Some months we spend less and other months we go slightly over.

Anyway... I took £5 out and purchased a few bits and bobs such as pasta, pasta sauce, veg, fizzy drink, garlic baguette and crisps.

My OH noticed money was missing from the pot and questioned me if I’d taken it, to which I responded yes I’d bought some bits and pieces. (His approach was very negative, he was clearly angry)

I then showed him the receipts (I had kept them as I knew he would bring it up at some point, he’s very tight, a total miser who keeps tabs). Instead of toning down his voice and adjusting his horrible attitude he continued and scolded me about how it was an unnecessary spend. He said the things I’d bought weren’t really needed and we could have done without them. (He ate the pasta the previous day, drank the fizzy drink too)

My view on food and his view on food is very different. He’s happy to eat from what we have at home but if I feel like cooking something up I’ll happily go and buy the ingredients and cook it. I don’t restrict myself, never have in the department of food. If you have the means I don’t think you should live like you don’t.

I was embarrassed, he humiliated me. Made me explain myself over a £5 spend. I was absolutely mortified and I’m aware this is financial abuse.

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after.

I’m just disgusted with him, money isn’t an issue for us. We both work. He’s just a total tight man, everything starts and finishes with money for him. I’m not an excessive spender, I’m good with money but when it comes to food and drink I don’t restrict myself.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/10/2020 16:17

I'd say this goes beyond being tight with money. It sounds more like a mental health issue and illogical obsession if you say money isnt tight in your household. It sound a unbearable. I don't think many peopld could put up with this. I don't think you should be enabling him. He needs help.

HollowTalk · 10/10/2020 16:20

@Meckity1 who the hell could be bothered living like that?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/10/2020 16:26

Tell him to put the value of his share of the pasta and pop back into the jar.

Presto!

You've spent 50% less.

Teesstar · 10/10/2020 16:28

Wake up honey, you are in an abusive relationship!

Either sort him out or leave him and don’t use your child as an excuse to stay. What sort of lesson are you teaching your child about healthy relationships?

Sorry but you need to sort this, have a look into the freedom project.

romeolovedjulliet · 10/10/2020 16:28

sorry,but i feel sorry for your child growing up with this behaviour, they might not always witness it but they will know and it will become normal to them which is totally wrong.

katy1213 · 10/10/2020 16:31

Was he always like this? I'm wondering why you ever married him in the first place.
However - off you go and buy the biggest, most extravagant joint of beef you can imagine, all the trimmings, nice bottle of red wine. Sit and eat in front of him and don't share a scrap. You've gone self-catering as of right now, and he can make a can of beans last the week if he wants to. Maybe remind him that if you leave - I know you say you don't want to but he should appreciate the economics nevertheless - then his overheads of rent, utilities and childcare will soar.

Ignacious · 10/10/2020 16:32

Totally separate bank accounts and finances - It’ll stand you in good stead for the day you decide you can’t tolerate his behaviour any more and are ready to dump him.
Have you tried telling him to fuck off when he starts to question you?

katy1213 · 10/10/2020 16:36

@meckity1 That's appalling. Like a textbook answer on how to tolerate abuse. What's in the next chapter? How to walk into a door and hide the bruises?

Satsuma2 · 10/10/2020 16:38

Your poor child having to grow up living like that.

cakeandchampagne · 10/10/2020 16:38

@lockdownalli

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together

Actually, the fact you are willingly exposing a child to this kind of shit is even more reason why you should leave.

Exactly!
Itawapuddytat · 10/10/2020 16:41

I am pretty careful with the food budget myself and sometimes I have a go at DH who keeps spending money on stuff, but it's usually about the stuff he likes and buys and puts aside but forgets about and everything gets chucked as it runs VERY out of date (talking about 3-4 big pots of yogurt, pork pies or cold meats, Brie cheese forgotten on a shelf, or the black pudding or the pies he puts in the big freezer and I discover a year later etc ). [Let's not mention the bag with crisps and sweets he put in the garage and forgot about and we ended up with a rat ] Not about the few quid he spent, he's welcome to buy whatever food he fancies, we can afford it, it's about buying and wasting food.

This is not your case, you saw stuff you felt like having, you bought it, it was eaten (by him) or will be used soon, what was the big deal? Yes, he is a miser and a sucker of joy, I have no suggestion because I don't think these people can change, they don't see they are doing anything wrong.

jaroffairies · 10/10/2020 16:44

I started a parallel thread on how stingy I am and even I think that it is a bit much to complain about spending a fiver on food. This to me sounds like he is really worried about finances

BexR · 10/10/2020 16:45

Thats no way to live. I feel sad for you keeping your receipt cos you knew it would come up. I'd get out of there, being a single parent is not as bad as living like that.

Itawapuddytat · 10/10/2020 16:46

Oh, by the way, when we talk about buying something and agree we're going to spend £X, one of us buys it but the other one doesn't request to see the receipts Hmm just in case there's a few quid not accounted for. I mean really... it's your home, your family, your food shopping not the office where whoever buys milk and coffee needs to bring receipts for the £3.45 that got spent so that the petty cash account can be balanced Hmm

notapigeon · 10/10/2020 16:47

I would separate your finances as much as possible.

Me and hubby always had separate finances, then when I went back to work after may leave, we put our wages into a joint account - it's honestly the only time we've ever had major issues with money (he was very much like your hubby, questioning every penny)

We separated our finances again, worked out what I could reasonably afford to pay towards the house, then what I do with my money is up to me.

Perhaps doing something similar will work? Or have a budget each per month of say £30 each to spend on whatever you want.

Plussizejumpsuit · 10/10/2020 16:48

I don't think op is coming back because she knows what people are saying is right.

Aminuts23 · 10/10/2020 16:56

He sounds a right tight bastard. He won’t change ever. I used to live with one. Totally money obsessed and mean. He once had a complete meltdown before we went shopping because the printer wouldn’t work and he had a 50p voucher to print out. About 3 hours he was at it. He had a very good salary too, we weren’t skint.
It’s truly one of the worst qualities in a person in my view because it does spill over into other areas of life. It’s a total mindset, it won’t change OP

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2020 17:06

"For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after."

What you 'are after' and what will work may not be the same thing @KitKat500.

So, let's say you stay together. Lets consider what that'll be like. For you, and for your child.

Scenario 1:
You continue as you are, constantly rowing because you spent an entirely reasonable sum on necessary items. You live your life seething, and your child lives in a domestic warzone, with parents constantly battling each other for supremacy. Your child becomes withdrawn and depressed, or possibly leaves home at the earliest opportunity, possibly escaping via an unsuitable relationship, anything to get out of here ASAP.

Scenario 2:
You get ground down by your husband's miserliness (trust me - he will NOT be ground down by you, he will never change) and toe the line in dread of another salvo from him. There is no joy in your day-to-day life because that costs money (and no sum is too small to not be hoarded) and life becomes grey monotony. Your child lives without the things their friends are bought by their parents, and is constantly reminded not to waste money (i.e. - spend it). Seeing the life others have, your child rebels into spendthriftness, frequently helping themselves from that pot you and his father put money into for groceries, eventually being brought home by the police for shoplifting.

Yes, these are extreme speculations. Doesn't mean they're not possible.

What I'm trying to get through to you is that your child is going to be shaped by their home environment, and you are kidding yourself if you think they will not be aware of the tensions between you and your husband.

So put the child you are raising together front and centre. The ideal solution is being raised by two happy parents in one household, but if that's not achievable then two happy parents in two households is always going to be better than two unhappy parents in one household.

BonnieTellyLass · 10/10/2020 17:07

This sounds like financi abuse. The fact you kept the reciept knowing he would ask
You dont want to seperate. So you need to seperate your finances completely at least

Iola4 · 10/10/2020 17:10

That is an awful way to behave.
I can understand if you were in a position where money was very tight and £5 could tip you over the edge. But as you've stated it's not your position.
You also mention you kept the receipt anticipating the situation he would create, that's not a good relationship where you have to gather and prepare evidence in your own defense.
Maybe if you leave him you are scared he will try to avoid paying maintenance?

spreadyourwingsandfly1 · 10/10/2020 17:11

Ong I think you are married to my ex Husband!

TatianaBis · 10/10/2020 17:16

It’s not about the money or fizzy drinks it’s about control and an opportunity to abuse you.

But if you won’t leave him you will just have to put up with it.

SicklyToaster · 10/10/2020 17:18

If you have a joint tab and you don't want to stick to it, keep your finances separate and pool together enough for your shared expenses.
I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to stick to a budget or you're unreasonable for not caring about going £5 over, but you have incompatible attitudes for people trying to manager their money jointly.

katmarie · 10/10/2020 17:23

@katy1213 I suspect that is mekity's point, if she is going to stay with this guy long term then this is how she will end up having to live to get by day by day. Hopefully its shocking enough to prompt some action.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/10/2020 17:25

I can't believe someone gets themselves in a knot because £5 was spent on the food bill. You need to eat, you need decent nutrition not just carbs to fill you up and if he can't understand that then he has a real problem. Your DC deserves better than this. I spent £40 on bird food the other day- why don't you tell him and see if he clutches his chest and screams??