I spent £5

[KitKat500]

Hello all

Yesterday my OH and I got into it over £5.

Basically, we have a budget for our monthly groceries which we put away in a pot at the beginning of each month. This money covers all food and drink needed for our family for the month. Some months we spend less and other months we go slightly over.

Anyway... I took £5 out and purchased a few bits and bobs such as pasta, pasta sauce, veg, fizzy drink, garlic baguette and crisps.

My OH noticed money was missing from the pot and questioned me if I’d taken it, to which I responded yes I’d bought some bits and pieces. (His approach was very negative, he was clearly angry)

I then showed him the receipts (I had kept them as I knew he would bring it up at some point, he’s very tight, a total miser who keeps tabs). Instead of toning down his voice and adjusting his horrible attitude he continued and scolded me about how it was an unnecessary spend. He said the things I’d bought weren’t really needed and we could have done without them. (He ate the pasta the previous day, drank the fizzy drink too)

My view on food and his view on food is very different. He’s happy to eat from what we have at home but if I feel like cooking something up I’ll happily go and buy the ingredients and cook it. I don’t restrict myself, never have in the department of food. If you have the means I don’t think you should live like you don’t.

I was embarrassed, he humiliated me. Made me explain myself over a £5 spend. I was absolutely mortified and I’m aware this is financial abuse.

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together and that’s not quite the solution I’m after.

I’m just disgusted with him, money isn’t an issue for us. We both work. He’s just a total tight man, everything starts and finishes with money for him. I’m not an excessive spender, I’m good with money but when it comes to food and drink I don’t restrict myself.

Unless I was scared he’d hit me (in which case I would be making plans to leave) I’d laugh in his face and tell him to piss off and stop acting like a crazy person.

His behaviour isn’t rational or reasonable.

I’d order a massive take away pizza just to piss home off.

And DC not DP. Bloody fat fingers!

Separate finances completely, make him pay half of everything joint including child related expenses. Don’t do anything for him unless he pays you for it first. He has to should half the housework and childcare. Do your own laundry and cooking. Live like housemates.

Double down on your contraception and don’t have any more children with him either. More dc hinders your earning ability. You don’t want that in this relationship.

You’re going to end up absolutely loathing him and your life with him you know.

Honestly op if you won't leave him I'm nor sure there is a solution. He isn't going to change. You agreeing to the money in the pot thing and him being allowed to check on your receipts let's him think this is OK.

It's controlling how can you love a man like this? How much income do you have? Are you actually on a tight budget or is it him making it tight?

For all those who will say “just leave him” - we have a child to raise together

Actually, the fact you are willingly exposing a child to this kind of shit is even more reason why you should leave.

Why don't you adjust the budget to include an amount you can use for extra food shopping as you wish?

I think there are two possibilities here. One is that he is otherwise decent, but has some kind of issue around money. If this is the case then perhaps counselling would help.

The other is that this is part of an escalating pattern of behaviour. Is it getting worse? What happens if you refuse to justify every penny? Is he as answerable to you as you are to him?

If it's the second option, then this is only going to get worse, I'm afraid. Either way, doing nothing would be very unwise. I think that sometimes people want the knowledge that they tried everything to save their marriage, before admitting that it is a destructive thing worth saving. So talk to him, suggest counselling, but be aware of any signs that his behaviour is escalating and be prepared for having to leave suddenly.

@KitKat500

I would really like to know what his occupation is ! If he is in a 'dead end job' with no ability to grow and improve his financial position I would have no respect for him.

If he is working hard to improve his financial position I would respect him for that, but he would still lose my respect for not allowing those benefits to be enjoyed. Money gives us choices after all.

I think people's attitudes towards money are pretty enduring. If you're sticking it out tell him to adjust the budget.

@MoodShiteing

Tell him to shop for himself and you'll see to yourself and DC. He can be tight if he wants, doesn't mean he gets to force it on you.

I agree with this and get rid of the pot!

It’s not so much his tightness that would bother me, it’s the shouting and showing off!

I'm quite confused. If you have a money pot for groceries, and you took the money out of the pot to buy groceries, how is there an issue for him?

I could understand him being slightly annoyed if you were struggling for money, but you seem comfortable, and the pot was dedicated for groceries anyway?

Sounds like a stubborn dickhead OP - not sure I'd be able to stay with a man who got upset over £5 worth of groceries if we're both earning good money. He needs talking to, don't let him grind you down and make you doubt yourself.

You can't change him OP, so if you want to continue in this relationship you will have to change your response to his attempts to abuse you financially.

1. Start a Leaving Him fund. You will feel more empowered and there's a fair chance that you will have to use it at some point.
2. Come up with a response such as "You're a miserly fucker and I won't indulge your ridiculousness". Repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not deviate and repeat every time he says anything. Write it down and practice it. It will give you a stable platform when he is trying to knock you off and send you into emotional turmoil.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

Surely nobody is going to say leave your partner because of buying some crisps,pasta and fizzy drinks
No of course not but have spectacularly missed the point!!
Op is made to be accountable and knew she had to keep the receipt
She was scolded
She felt humilated.
That is the point. Its not about buying a packet of dorritos and a bottle of coke but the treatment towards her.

@1forAll74

Surely nobody is going to say leave your partner because of buying some crisps,pasta and fizzy drinks ! Some people are extra careful with money, and get called tight, but it's how some people are.. I would not like my little savings stash to be spent on crisps and fizzy drinks though !!

It wasn’t a savings stash, it was food money spent on food money. And the issue is she is not permitted to spend it on food and has to keep receipts. No one is saying to leave him because of buying some food, they are saying leave him because she’s not even allowed to spend a fiver of the food budget on food.

This is an abusive relationship and is not a normal way to live. It is extremely damaging for a child to be brought up in an abusive household as they will grow up thinking this is how all relationships are.

For your child's sake and yours, you should leave. Your OH won't get any better - they never do.

For people who think leaving is as super choice, she will still have to see him won't she? They have a child.
And maybe she cannot earn enough too.
And for people who try to blame her for giving her child a poor example of her OH's behaviour, what planet are you on?
Planet Pompous?
I suggest you contact Women's Aid for advice about your OH's behaviour and to make a plan.

A fiver on groceries, unless you're living in poverty, is not something most people even mention to their partner. I'm a sahm, we're not especially well off, dh gives me money and never ever asks what I spend it on nor do I tell him...not that it's a secret. It's just doesn't need to be discussed.

I can honestly say I hope these twatty mean as shit people (not always men) don’t ever want sex because I cannot think of a bigger turnoff than a miser, especially about food if not totally skint. . If I lived with someone this tight I would simply be leaving- because I just couldn’t live like that. At least on your own you can control what you spend even if you don’t have a lot without being ‘assessed’ or criticised.

Unless you're hoarding bags/tins unnecessarily, he should trust you to do the shopping and live within the limits. I'm sure he's lovely in other ways, but he must be very hard to live with if he's questioning every spend. His attitude towards you in this regard isn't very nice and the only thing I can suggest is that he does the shopping and all the cooking out of what he's purchased of he can do it better.

For people who think leaving is as super choice, she will still have to see him won't she? They have a child.
And maybe she cannot earn enough too
Nobody was suggesting she leaves immediately.
I think most people were telling her that things are unlikely to change for the better but will escalate. Op recognizes it is financial abuse.
Of course she will still have to see him but she won't have to tell him if she has bought a packet if walkers or some pasta for tea if she doesn't want to.

He is appalling. Even if you have a child together you can still separate.

As you don't want to do this then you have to tell him to literally fuck off. Don't feed into his control but explaining yourself.

How did he know £5 was missing? i wouldn't know if £5 was missing from our £1 jar.

Does he down, cross legged, and count it at regular intervals or weigh it or what?

Maybe he does that every time you're out of the house.

Do you really want to spend your life like this? I hope, when you think about it, the answer comes back as a resounding, 'NO'!

@Funguy

For people who think leaving is as super choice, she will still have to see him won't she? They have a child. And maybe she cannot earn enough too. And for people who try to blame her for giving her child a poor example of her OH's behaviour, what planet are you on? Planet Pompous? I suggest you contact Women's Aid for advice about your OH's behaviour and to make a plan.

So you’re also suggesting she leaves him? If not what’s the plan for?

His behaviour is unacceptable but I’m afraid it’s true that she’s as liable for the inevitable impact on their shared child if she chooses to stay. She’s said they’re comfortably off and both work. Stop making excuses for someone making an active choice that continues to harm her and her innocent dependent child. She’s not responsible for his actions but she is for her own. Always irritating when people act as though adult women are stupid children.

Your main problem if you stay with him isn’t the running of the finances.

It’s trying to raise a child within an abusive environment to become an adult who isn’t affected by that abuse.

I think you need to give leaving something serious thought for the sake of your DC. Staying together isn’t the default “best” thing at all.

This is no way to live.