My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

That’s so sad OP

@SophieH12
I have read all your comments, and it feels like the classic thing of male ''Mid life crisis''....Except your Partner isn't really middle aged.

It is so common that these things happen...
Couples seem really close and then come the kids..{sometimes really longed for, after years of ''Trying'' and IVF...

And then Boom the bloke decides he has ''Pieds froids'' and pulls away.

As you don't appear to be going all 'high pressure'' for an expensive wedding, It is even more puzzling.

It really is so upsetting though.

Often with hindsight, one can backtrack and see where things started to go awry..

But your relationship appears good from what you say, until recently.

But I wonder if it is him that is ''Feeling old?'' {At 31 this is insane though...Wait til he is 60,70,80 when arthritis gnaws at his knees, and the todger is at half mast}

There may not be another woman.
There isn't always.

He has said some very cruel things though.
Would counselling help?

@Esspee

Easy to say change the locks but the OP has to leave the children to go to work Friendsoftheearth

Also, legally if house is in both names, you cannot change locks OR deny your fellow homeowner his or her rights.

Place don't waste another 10 years of your life on this ridiculous man

Call his bluff , don't do the pick me dance , instead tell him not to bother with the putting himself out for 10 years , he can leave now. Don't forget to remind him the children are still a shared responsibility and what weekends does he want them for ?

Do the above instead. This has hit you out of the blue - when you have had a chance to pull yourself together and get over the first shock you will be able to think more clearly. You will see that you ought not to put yourself or your children into the position of you walking on hot coals for the next ten years waiting for him to "drop the other shoe" - perhaps say he can't go on any longer after 5 years - or a year - or a week. Or maybe changing his mind and staying with you after the 10 years because it suits him.

Take that power off him. YOU be the one who makes this decision.

I'm older than you and I've had enough of shit like this from men.
He's said some horrible things to you.
There could be another woman or it might be cold feet about the wedding.
I would tell him to move out for a few weeks to get his head together.
He says he doesn't think he loves you as he should.... right, out he goes then.
He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with you for the rest of his life - right, out he goes.
If he does not know whether he loves you as he should and does not know if he can commit to you for the rest of his life then he needs to go because after 10 years he bloody well should know.

It must be really horrible for you (I've been through similar and I know it's truly awful) but you can take control back of this situation. Insist on a trial separation immediately.
Do not beg. Do not try to persuade him. Completely cold - trial separation with effect from now.

I am so sorry. You must be reeling and in complete shock. I have only read the Op but my gut feeling is say to him fine, that is how you feel so you need to move out. Cold, clinical, strong.

He'll either realise he has been a dick and say he wants to stay and then it is 100% on you if you allow this or he won't and you'll be stronger, happier and able to live your life truthfully.

I hope he hasn't cheated but if he has then you have a different situation. The cheating is bad enough but the horrible comments make it worse. You are old? Cheeky fucker, 30 is young and he's older than you the thick prat.

So sorry Sophie. Is there anyone from your family or friends who could come over the help with the children?

I do not know whether there is an OW or not but it seems you are a people pleaser. You work hard at work and for your family and as you say yourself, he doesn't do much housework. You are a young woman and he really does not deserve you. You are so much better than him, wondering what you can have done wrong when it is him who is in the wrong. You deserve so much better.

At the moment you are in shock and denial. You need space from him to gather your thoughts for a few days. I guess you are worried about your night shift work when he is available for the children. This is not insurmountable though.

You need to think about you. Sadly even if there is not another woman, you can never unhear what has been said to you. You will always be waiting for the next time. I wish you well.

Whatever the cause, he has said things to you that can never be taken back or unheard. From this point on - for your own sanity and self respect - you need to treat this relationship as being over. He does not get to stay with you for another 10 years - the bloody cheek of him! Now that's he's said what he said it's no longer just his decision as to what happens next - it's yours too.

This is spot on. He's said unforgivable things and in a way that's for the best because you simply can't go back.

Hi OP, I don't have personal experience of this but I do have friends who've had relationships they believed were life-long, soulmate-situations that broke down.

From what I've seen, I think there's only one thing you can do and that is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take yourself away for a weekend/couple of days to a friend or your mum's, and work out how you want to go forward.

It seems (whether there's someone else in the mix or not) that he's lost respect for you and is saying unforgivable things to get you to be the one to say it's over.

I think there's a chance that if you show him you can live without him, get his respect back, get some decent couple's counselling, implement some changes to make sure the relationship between the 2 of you evolves to meet both your needs - then there's a chance you can re-boot this relationship and be happy again. But - fair warning - it's a slim chance.

He's said these awful things and it's going to be hard for you to build your belief in your love back to where it was. He's been cruel and he's shattered something precious. He's not who you thought he was, basically.

So you need to decide if you want to try to go down this path of counselling etc. I personally think it's worth it, mainly for your children, for you to be able to tell them whatever happens that you gave it your best shot, you tried your best to keep their family together. But it's not going to be easy and my heart goes out to you

I was with my first fiancé from the age of 16. We were together for 11 years, due to be married - he suddenly went a bit "off" about 5m prior to the wedding, and then with 3m to go, he decided he "needed some space". This was after he'd gone missing one night, until the early hours, and I was going frantic trying to find him.
Turned out he'd gone to a "work colleague's" place. So he left, ostensibly to go to a friend's flat - but surprise surprise, ended up at her place instead. And stayed there.

At least I knew pretty well straight away what his game plan was, although he lied and dissembled about the actual timeline (of course he fucking shagged her the night he went missing, despite his strenuous denials!). But it was all turned into me being "too difficult", "impossible to live with" and various other things which really really fucked with my head, until I went to a counsellor (work-rage related) and he, bless him, told me it was NOT my fault, it was just the man didn't love me enough. And he was right.

He didn't love me enough to not shag someone else, and to not go off with them - he didn't love me enough to stay and work through things.

And this may be where your man is now - but I'm still betting he's got a place to go if you throw him out (which you should!)

I did lots of crying and wanting answers - didn't get much - but then realised that whatever he said was going to be bollocks anyway, because it wasn't about me, ever - it was about HIM and what he wanted. Ultimately selfish - but this IS what it boils down to - your partner is being a selfish wanker, putting his own wants before his family.

I still say you should give him his marching orders though.

Op this is heartbreaking for you.
Whether there is an OW or not, he has checked out of the relationship and maybe has been covering up that fact for some time.
I agree with @Bluntness100Its possible that he's played on the fact that you loved and trusted him and thought he was a better man than he was and that was the person you were in love with, who didn't really exist, and now you are seeing the real him.
Hes not going to change and once you get over the shock and hurt you will see that you don't want him back on these terms.
Overall it looks like you were doing the whole lions share in this relationship, the full housework, cooking etc, childcare, working to bring in money for extras and surviving on far too little sleep, whilst he works and occasionally has a comparatively small amount of fun with the kids.
It does sound like he thinks you are there for his benefit but he's not there for yours, and this has been the unquestioned norm in the relationship for a long time, and he gets his own way and sulks if he doesn't. Is that the case? Maybe now you have the chance to see if this relationship was really all that you thought it was?
This is going to be a difficult time for you, but its vital that you protect yourself and your children's security as much as possible.
He's clearly thought through this and is trying to make you the bad guy by saying he offered to stay for 10 years on his own terms ( what a prince!).
The last thing you should do is discuss this with him whilst you are still in total shock and unprepared. It will only give him a chance to put the boot in further and dictate how things should go forward, whilst you are still reeling.
Get your ducks in a row financially, legally and support wise. Don't confide in anyone in his family.
Ask ever so nicely if he can stay elsewhere to give you a few weeks to think things through. Can you get some real life support to help you with the kids whilst you make your plans?
Then at least you will have a breathing space from the cruelty and daily upsetting meetings and time and space to consider what to do next, based on professional advice. That's when you can tell him how you see things working. If need be get a supportive person to be there with you as back up.
Remember that you are still only 30 and now you have a chance to make your own life and happiness, and are not tied to someone who has shown he fully intends to give you neither of those things

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It hurts. I agree with another poster that he’s not necessarily found someone else. A very dear friend went through the same thing of her husband coming out with these awful things. Ultimately he moved out for a time. I think he was going through some sort of midlife crisis. Ultimately the reality dawned on him and he was devastated at what he’d done. Luckily for him he was forgiven, issues were worked through and they are very happy together. This isn’t necessarily your reality, but just wanted to say there are many outcomes. Right now you need to focus on your own sanity and your children.

Men like this are not "soul mates" they are just disgusting and I don't want a disgusting Judas in my life who will put his own children through this for a whiff of immature pussy. Yuck

Excellent post.

I've been where you are. We weren't in as deep, we didn't have children together, but I've been told by the person I thought I was going to marry that he didn't love me anymore and he wanted out. I was devastated and begged him to reconsider which he did. I wrote a thread about it on here and was told to take back control, LTB and he was probably with someone else. He never actually was with anyone else he was just being honest that he had fallen out of love with me.

6 months after he decided to give me another shot we split up for the same reason. He was never cheating just didn't want to be with me anymore, so if you really don't think he's had an affair then he possibly isn't. It was fucking horrific, I felt blindsided, didn't know what had gone wrong.. But now looking back I wish I had just told him to sling his hook the first time he came out with not being in love anymore as it would have saved both of our time - once he says he doesn't love you anymore he really can't take it back and there's nothing you can do to change it.

But this:

He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31

is awful, obviously 30 isn't old FFS!! Cheeky git. Does he think he's always going to be able to trade women in for someone younger as if you're a car not a person?!

And making you feel guilty for being disappointed that he bailed on your plans together is shite too especially when he won't apologise for it and you're the one that ends up apologising. My ex did this and it's pathetic, shows a complete lack of emotional maturity which you need from a long-term partner. You're not teenagers anymore but his tactics for dealing with things sounds like he's still 17.

You should leave him before he leaves you - because he will - take your time to move on and be sad about it and then get out there and find someone who loves you the way you deserve and don't for a second let him come crawling back

I was with my husband 20 years, married 10...we were happy, still dating despite 2 kids... Then all of a sudden his mood changed, over night. Then the excuses "you're not into politics" "you don't like bikes" "I don't know if I love you"... Roll on 3 months of this sillyness and yup. Other woman.

It may not be the case but there is a strong link with this behaviour to a simple case of OW and an EA at the time I think.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but if there's one piece of advice I could give you it's to please, please don't think you're doing your kids a favour by staying together. Yes, this will hurt, but it will still hurt 10 years down the line.

My parents stayed together unhappily until my brother and I were adults, and then my mum explained that she hadn't been happy for years, and it just made us feel that our childhoods were a lie. Also, it's stopped the pair of them from finding someone else - and I would honestly have been happier if they'd split when I was 8 instead of waiting it out another 17 years for my brother to be an adult. It made NO sense in my head, and just left me feeling guilty that my mum had been unhappy for such a long time for what was supposedly my benefit ..

.. except it wasn't, because looking back now I can tell it wasn't a 'normal' relationship. But as a child I didn't see that, as I had nothing to compare our family life to.

I know it's hard, but please think of yourself here. You're young! You're 30, same age as me. You can absolutely be happy either single with your kids or with a new partner in the future, even though it might not feel that way right now. But honestly, you can :).

@SophieH12

I just really don't want to believe he has met anyone? He is not secretive with his phone, he doesnt have social media? Deep in my heart I dont think he would do that but then again I didnt think he would say all this. Do you all really think he has met someone? :( but how? I feel like when we are not working we are joint at the hip lol!?!?

He might not have a relationship with them but I do think he met someone that made him decide that he wants a relationship with someone like that. I do think that something happened that made him change his mind about you. It doesn't mean that he is cheating though or that he is actively pursuing this person.

OP no wonder this man is walking all over you, you sound so nice too nice. 💐

How on earth can you be too "old " when you are 30 and hes 31 FFS! I agree with above PP he sounds like a complete arse (Sorry but he does Im afraid!) I would make plans to leave TBH. He honestly doesnt deserve you .You are working nights and looking after the house /DC on 2 hours sleep ? You must be shattered and deserve so much more than this shit .Some men are literally awful .My DD ex told her he wanted her to "make the most of herself " on a tight budget and him not working! He ended it with her ,I was delighted as he was an utter Prick! She has a new BF now and he is much nicer! This will be you too Sophie .Honey you only have one life and its too short to spend it with this waste of space !

He may not have met a “real” someone else, but with you away or in bed early most nights he might well have developed a huge porn habit that is giving him unrealistic expectations of sex and attractiveness. I had this with my ex, you would NEVER in a million years have thought that he was the type to be into porn but he was addicted. Oddly enough he never tried to get me to do anything porny or dress/wax in a particular way, I found out because he actually decided to tell me when he dumped me. I was flabbergasted.

Sorry OP sounds like theres an OW to me.

Ask him politely to give you some space to process this and suggest a trial separation.

See if you can get childcare cover - call in sick if needs be
Go though banks accounts (keep copies of statements) and ensure your money is in your name solely, pin and passwords all changed.
Have a look at Internet history etc. for evidence gathering of OW.
Call estate agent and get house valued.
Tell him you think its best you separate and want to know which weekends he wants the kids/which week days so you can get childcare/work sorted.
Then tell him to he'll need to deal with your solicitor going forward.

LTB, you do not deserve to be treated this way.

He thinks the grass is greener, but he'll soon learn that it isn't.

I am so sorry to hear this OP. My first husband left me after 12 years together telling me he wasn't attracted to me and "he wanted a trophy wife". He also pulled the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line - and he said he had never actually ever fancied me. It was dreadful and I was heartbroken. He was my soulmate. I was 34.

But...

I met someone else. Move forward a few years and we are VERY happily married with 2 wonderful children. Turns out you can have more than one soulmate.

It may seem impossible now - but you WILL heal, you WILL stop feeling like he's your soulmate, you WILL meet someone else and you WILL feel happy and complete again.

@SophieH12

I just really don't want to believe he has met anyone? He is not secretive with his phone, he doesnt have social media? Deep in my heart I dont think he would do that but then again I didnt think he would say all this. Do you all really think he has met someone? :( but how? I feel like when we are not working we are joint at the hip lol!?!?

Two phones?

He has hours every night you are working and the kids are in bed to have a secret life .

He said he couldnt go a day without seeing his kids but says he could live without me

Well, he hasn’t really thought that one through has he? Unless he was planning to kill you rather than split up with you?

What a twat.

Someone can only treat you as badly as you will allow them to
Have a think about what you deserve and see if you can make that happen...