My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

Is he getting treatment for his anxiety?

@Friendsoftheearth is right:

I would not underestimate the impact of the pandemic, and what it has done to some families. If it is that, then helping him to focus on everything he has to lose by asking him to leave for a while will be the best thing you can possibly do. Pleading with him to stay will have the opposite effect and he will want to run for the hills even faster.

Nothing will help hIm focus on what he has to lose faster than having to leave it all behind for a while...

Ten years so you can continue to raise his children, wash his pants and clean his house after which he will dump you, and you should just be grateful that you had the pleasure of being his nanny and skivvy until the kids no longer need parenting. What a deal!

Hi OP,
His family live 2 hours away - could he be homesick? You describe your life in a very idyllic way but if he is very homesick for his family when you are doing things with your family unit (on the beach etc) he could be desperate to share these times with them also.

Not that it explains his reaction but if he had double booked himself I can understand his reluctance to let down his 14 year old brother. As a child he would be less able to handle his disappointment than you.

You have mentioned in passing that your partner has been diagnosed with anxiety. Again this doesn’t fit with your description of idyllic life, making the most of every day off and the job you describe him as “loving”? Do you attribute this anxiety to anything in particular? Is there ill feeling between you and his family? Has he asked to move back to his home town? Is he under particular financial pressure? If he is actually having a breakdown (anxiety) try not to make any permanent decisions until he is well as he may genuinely not know his own mind.

I would go to therapy together. Either to sort out your relationship or to sort each other out.

@Winter2020.

Those are excellent points that might help OP to get to the bottom of this.

It does sound like he's met someone else, it's possible you were too young when you got together and had kids, maybe he's having 1/3 life crisis, thinking he missed out on his youth because you settled down so early. His comments are nasty though, It doesn't sound like he feels guilty, if he felt bad for you he wouldn't want to make you feel even worse by saying you're not attractive because you're too old (eventhough he's older but he's man I guess........)

@Eviebeans yes he is having treatment. The doctor put him on an anti depressant which is supposed to help with his anxiety. Xx

I would take cool, calm action ASAP.

Then anything or nothing will be flushed out.

If there is someone - this will be the quickest way for it to come out.

If he is just having a “mid” life crisis - then he needs to get on with it - on his own.

It seems he wants to you to give him the opportunity to have affairs etc and still stay with him?

It’s counter intuitive but if you want him back you need to let him go and “find” himself. The begging, subjugating, pick me dance is v unattractive and will destroy your soul, your children and he will continue to disrespect you.

Get him gone. Make sure he knows it’s for good. Plan a calm and dignified life without him.

If in a year it has come to pass that there was no one in his life, he deals with his MH issues, has total remorse and takes 100% responsibility for his actions and dedication to repair the relationship then you may consider how you feel then. Don’t tell him this though - and plan your life under the assumption that he is not coming back.

Be calm, dignified and ruthless. YOU need to put down v firm boundaries and expectations otherwise your DCs are going to have a shit family life if he stays and worse if he comes and goes. Their experience will be much better if arrangements are clear and consistent with a confident Mum.

@neversayalways

I don't think he has necessarily found someone else.

But he probably would like to.

I think he is having an early mid life crisis - he works hard, and in his mind you are part of the tedium that he feels his life has become. This is unfair of him, because part of the reason his life has become like this is because of his job.

You are very young OP - you have plenty of time to find someone else.
Hell, even if you waited till the kids were grown and were 40, that is still young - you'll be kid free, still youthful. There's a whole new exciting life when you are ready for it, with someone new who really respects and loves you.

Agree with this. Sounds like an early mid-life crisis to me rather than he's met someone.

You deserve much better than this OP

It sounds like a mid life crisis to me. I'm sorry OP

Listen to Sssloou She's right, it's going to be really difficult to do but it's the right thing to do

So update..
OH has came home from work today. We are on talking times but its very clear theres an elephant in the room, which obviously we can't discuss in front of our children.
However, when I got home from school pick up he was already home. He said hello etc and then he came up to me and hugged me and said.. I love you, I really do. He then said...I was going to buy you flowers but thought it would be too soon...
Um mind f**k? Is this all a game to him?
Obviously this is all I want to hear but I feel so destroyed by his words? And feel like the trust is gone.
My mind is like mashed potato!

[quote SophieH12]@Eviebeans yes he is having treatment. The doctor put him on an anti depressant which is supposed to help with his anxiety. Xx[/quote]

My DH was on anti depressants for a period of time and I think your DH being on them goes some way to explaining why he has said what he did. I had a similar discussion with my DH but we were already married (just!). In the end once his depression was under control and he was off the pills our marriage improved hugely and he never mentioned leaving again

What’s the power balance in this RS? He is older - with the better career? Does life revolve around keeping him happy?

What was your parents marriage and your upbringing like?

In reply to comments suggesting he is home sick from his family...

It was mainly his decision that we moved away. He took me a bit more convincing but once we viewed the house we fell in love with it and theres no doubt about it being the best decision we made.
It's an amazing village to live in and we have been happy...or so I thought!

"It may be that he has persuaded himself that he is trapped with 3 children, work and a mortgage and there is another shining, alternative life out there waiting for him.Maybe he sees himself as a professional surfer with an attic flat and a beautiful girl or two to be his companions.

If this is on the right lines, the more planning there is for the wedding and the nearer it draws, the more he sees the final nails waiting to lock down the lid on his life and condemn him to marriage, kids, a job, bills and the rest of it.

...

Don't beg him. Let him go and find whatever he thinks is his due. You have your children, you are young and how knows what wonderful things your alternative life will hold."

This is the sense I have from what you describe also. It's great to have children young if you can - you can then go wild in your 40s when you are still very much in your prime - but the life you describe sounds very settled for people who have only just entered their 30s. I think it's a great thing to have achieved but not everyone has the maturity for it and I suspect your partner has discovered that he doesn't.

As to your age: that's utterly irrelevant. My mum met the love of her life at 55. She was a very good-looking woman, but she looked 55. Someone who loves you will not remotely care how old you are or look! It's just a shitty, cruel excuse that he's using. Also this offering you the next 10 years and then buggering off. Actually my dad said the same to my mum. I was utterly furious when I found out and told her she should tell him to f* right off. And when push came to shove, it was my mum who ended the marriage (and met my stepdad 4 years later).

All that said, if you are only averaging 2 hours of sleep a night you are not remotely looking after yourself well enough. I suspect you have always put your own needs miles behind everyone else's including his. Please change that. It's unsustainable and actually not good for you or your family. It sets you up as the family drudge and invites everyone to take you for granted.

Of course, you are shattered right now - anyone would be in your position. But this too will pass and you will get through this, OP. You sound fabulous and clearly have huge amounts to offer. Get as much support as you can in real life and keep posting here for support also.

@SophieH12 - ignore my post. A lot has happened on this thread which I didn't see when I wrote it.

So why did he tell you this and say he will stick around another 10 years with you knowing how he feel. What if you decided to do that? He could just waited 10 more years to tell you . Doesn’t make sense to me for him to give you this option only to watch you feel miserable.

I am scared to know what age he considered young if he think 30 is old.

@Sssloou my parents have been happily married for 28 years now, together for 34.

I know a huge factor that plays havoc in OH's brain is that his father left him when he was 5 years old. He emigrated to Oz and then went on to have 2 children and adopted another. He didnt talk to my OH for 15 years. They then got in contact and the bitterness was still there and OH could never forgive him. When it came to us having children OH said he would never let his kids go through what he did/hence why he says he cant go a day without seeing them.
Now I feel like I'm just a burden to him and the only reason why he is going to stay in a loveless relationship is because he has a point to prove to his father...

Hi OP.

I am really sorry to say this and I mean it with deep care and concern but you are going to have to get a grip. You started dating when you were 16 and you haven't known anyone but one another. I think this is all to do with him realising that the late teens/20s he should have had (wild and free) has passed him by and he wants to have that experience before he gets any older. It is utterly selfish and immature on his part, he had a choice these past 10 years and each time he chose his comfort zone - he chose you.

He has told you where he stands and that he doesn't love you outside of you being his companion and mother of his three children. It feels unfair that he has led you down this road only for him to change his mind but sometimes life is like that, frustrating and disappointing. But your life is not over, you are not old, and in five years time you could be married to another man who adores you, who knows but you must look at the bigger picture.

I understand you feel upset and worried about the future, you are allowed some time to grieve this relationship but I would walk away with your dignity in tact. Sell the house, make sure you get what you can for you and the kids, try to move back to a town with familiar surroundings, push for shared custody.

It will be painful but it's better than playing the pick me dance and deep down knowing you are second prize.

He can't tell you you're past your expiration date (at 30!! And he's older!) and he doesn't know what he wants, then just waltz around deciding that he loves you and he thought about buying you flowers but didn't because reasons.

He's horrible, OP! I echo everyone telling you to claim your power, be active and don't passively let this bellend dither around trying to decide whether or not he'll deign to let you spend the next 10 years raising his kids, washing his pants and cooking his dinner before dumping you once the kids have flown and he won't need a nanny any more. No. He wants his freedom, let him fucking have it.

I know from experience with my dh that anxiety/depression can make you say very hurtful things. You don't say how long he has been on meds - I think they can make things feel worse at start/take a while to have a noticeable effect.
Now that he has come home and said this you need to have a serious conversation about what has been going on with him - ask the difficult questions - ask if there is someone else? My instinct is that now the storm has passed (for him at least) he will hope to be allowed to let it pass without addressing what he has done to you - don't let that happen...

OP Im sorry, this is all very unfair and confusing 🌺

He has a lot to untangle about his own upbringing that has NOTHING to do with you and is something he needs to take responsibility for with professional help because whether you stay together or separate this is polluting his own parenting despite his intentions to do the opposite.

Was the move away to the coast an attempt for him to scratch an itch? This hasn’t happened because he still has unresolved childhood issues - “where ever you go - there you are” ..........

Is one of your children same age as he was when his DF abandoned him? That’s also often a trigger.

What the rest of his upbringing like? His RS with his Mum - did he have another stable constant and consistent male caregiver in his life?