My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s met someone else, maybe he has fallen out of love with you. It happens sadly and you can’t force yourself to live with someone you no longer love.
I think you need to sit down together and discuss what needs to happen next.
Sorry you’re going through this

My advice would be, now , today, make an appointment with a registered counsellor. Get some space, support and perspective.

You are quite clearly not old, thats utter nonsense.

There is nothing more attractive than knowing your own worth and keeping you head held high. The more you cry, the more you chase him, the less he’s going to want you. Weirdly the angrier you are the more you push him away the more he will want you back.

Easy to say change the locks but the OP has to leave the children to go to work Friendsoftheearth

I second all the posters saying - in a nutshell - make him realise what he is about to lose.

I met my DH when we were 18, when we were 23 he went through a similar panic where he didn't know if we should be together, wasn't sure what he wanted etc. I didn't beg, I accepted we needed a break but if that was what he wanted there would be no sex, no phone chats, no messaging. We had 3-4 weeks apart over the summer then he realised what a dumb tit he was being and we've been very happy together ever since (7-8 years). Obviously we had a hell of a lot less to lose, no kids, weren't living together yet - but I think it is essential to get him to realise (a) he has a lot to lose and (b) he doesn't get to call the shots and you're not just a pathetic little wifey waiting in the wings until he makes his decision.

So (painful and horrible as it is likely to be) I would suggest you ask him to move out for a few weeks, agree you'll have a proper talk at the end of those weeks, but in between you'll only see each other to handover the children. I appreciate it's hard in your situation due to childcare, but he could stay over while you are working then leave when you get home or something? I know you just want this to all not be real, but I think the only shot you realistically have of getting him out of this weird mindset and getting him back (if that's what you want) is a short dose of hard reality for him. As others have said - talk about childcare, talk about how you'd share the kids, about how it would work with you working nights, about money, about if you'd sell the house. Make it as concrete as possible how difficult it would be - he doesn't just get to swan off into the sunset like a 20 year old with no commitments and a new lease of life.

I'm sure his brother is a smashing young lad, but that's a weird level of anger to have at the stymieing of a 30-year-old's day with his 14-year-old brother . . .
No, there may not be an OW. But this behaviour is unacceptable either way, so you should be able to find your anger, irrespective of anything else.

I have to join the group saying there’s probably an OW. He’s calling you on the way home to gauge how long you’ll be before you get home. It’s either online or in person. Either way, as others have said you need to get practicalities in order. Put yourself and the children first. Protect yourself - you’ll get lots of support here too.

I don't think it's a given there is another woman.
It sounds like a bit of a mid life crisis which everyone his a time when they appraise their lives and wonder if this is it. Sometimes you decide actually you are happy with what you have and the grass isn't greener and find other ways to inject fresh possibilities, other times you throw out all in the air and radically tear it all up.
If you have been together so young thoughts like 'will this routine be the greatest heights my life will reach' might be hitting him. Which isn't too say there isn't huge value in what you have, there is, but most people hit a point in their lives where they realise that the road ahead is a lot more predictable and less possibilities than it was and it can be quite earth shattering.
Maybe your relationship has run it's course. Maybe you will both emerge from the other side of this together or apart but renewed either way.
Together for over a happy decade is a successful relationship whichever way you look at it.
But it is heart breaking all the same if it isn't your forever after all. Luckily (!?) Your age is on your side, so you have time to rebuild. None of this is where you are at now of course, oh for a magic wand to fast forward the next year, but your future will be better than it is now. This is the worst bit.

Mumsnet is seriously obsessed with cheating men. I get that it's a possibility (since it happens plenty) but people on mumsnet do love to speculate on it, even when it's irrelevant.

What's relevant is that he's told you he's not in love with you, OP.

I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will

This. Sorry, OP

Old at 30 jesus my dil is that age and what I see is a wonderful young woman in the prime of her life .if anything I would say she gets better with age . Dont waste another 10 years on this man .take some time once the heart break is over dust yourself down and go get a man who truelly deserves you .dont waste another second on this one no true soul mate would treat you like this

Things feel unbearable right now and of course a future where he is not your partner is difficult to imagine.
But (and this is what I love about people), we are all more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. In time, you will get past this hurt and you will be okay again. It may take a while, but despite what he says, 30 is not old - you have time to heal and find someone else. Don't spend time (and certainly not 10 years) with a man who no longer loves you hoping he'll change his mind.

I have had friends that went through uni. together, went through their twenties together really close then it all imploded and one person left. It is a fact that we are forming in our teens and twenties. Protect yourself and your children @SophieH12.

OP, although I completely understand wanting to make sense of this, trying to get to the bottom of what's caused this, whether there's an OW etc is ultimately counterproductive.

Whatever the cause, he has said things to you that can never be taken back or unheard. From this point on - for your own sanity and self respect - you need to treat this relationship as being over. He does not get to stay with you for another 10 years - the bloody cheek of him! Now that's he's said what he said it's no longer just his decision as to what happens next - it's yours too.

The advice from @happytoday73 and @RobertaTheGreat is excellent. Let the shock subside a little and get practical. Someone who can treat you so cruelly and dismissively does not deserve a moment of your time. You deserve so much better

@SophieH12

He may well have been going to see his brother - but nothing to stop him leaving an hour earlier to see the OW, or taking an extra hour to get home, so going via her.

Lots of us have said the same thing and given you pretty similar advice - the key thing now is action. What are you going to do to take charge of this?

I have had friends that went through uni. together, went through their twenties together really close then it all imploded and one person left. It is a fact that we are forming in our teens and twenties

Yeah, it's really REALLY common. And nothing like an impending wedding to wake someone up to the fact that they don't actually feel the same anymore and don't want to spend the rest of their life with this person.

It's horrible, but you will heal, OP. You will be happy again.

If it is not another woman (I think it is an OW for what it is worth, whilst you work at night/and brother is a cover story - he could easily see his brother for an hour and then go elsewhere - and of course he has still been with his brother in the very literal sense)

Then it could be the lockdown.

There is not a long term couple alive that I known of that has been forced to reevaluate their lives, marriages etc. It has forced us to spend every living moment together, some couples will come out stronger, others not so much. Some will end in divorce. It is possible he has felt suffocated by too much time together and now feels this life is not for him. It is too boring, too monotonous and too much responsibility. He has never had time to be young, and the virus may have reminded him of his own mortality.

Many people I know are planning full lifestyle changes.

I would not underestimate the impact of the pandemic, and what it has done to some families. If it is that, then helping him to focus on everything he has to lose by asking him to leave for a while will be the best thing you can possibly do. Pleading with him to stay will have the opposite effect and he will want to run for the hills even faster.

My twopence worth is that it's not another woman.

You've been together since your teens and he has grown away from you. He's been in denial. You didn't see it coming.

The pressure has built up in him to deal with it - he hasn't found a way.

Now he's looking to disconnect.

None of us here know the reality of what's going on. The nub of the matter is that he's telling you how he feels and you need to take a deep breath and begin to process it and get the house secured for you and the kids. HE will have to live elsewhere.

He's holding all of the cards at the moment OP, and it sounds like he's enjoying that power a bit too much.

He's being an absolute twat. How can someone go from 'I can't wait for you to be my wife' to I don't love you in a few weeks?! It's utterly ridiculous! And you're TOO OLD at 30?!!! And when he's 31???!!!

I can absolutely understand why you are heartbroken and begging hi m to stay but how can you ever trust him again, OP? Now he's said those words you will never be happy with him again without wondering if he's faking it.

What's your financial situation? Could you kick him out of the house and manage? He would bloody well deserve it for how he's treated you!!

Please don't contemplate staying with him for the sake of the kids. You won't feel any better if he leaves you at 40 than 30, if anything it would be worse.

TAKE THE POWER BACK, OP!! Put that selfish little tit in his place and send him packing!

I agree that for a million reasons the best thing you can do is make him move out. Now. He can come back any time to see the kids. But he sleeps elsewhere.

Living like this, hoping he will change his mind, will destroy your confidence. Don’t let him do this. It’s the weekend, sit and have a frank conversation and decide what is happening. I would be adamant that you’re not going to hang around in limbo whilst he makes up his mind. Either he’s all in, or he’s all out. By allowing this to carry on, I know you’re hoping he will change his mind but the relationship will turn more nasty and you will lose all your self esteem. He can still think about what he wants by separating from you, but he can’t expect to live with you with this hanging over you! That’s really not fair.

Although you said you both wanted nice things so you’ve made this routine work, having him work all day and you all night and then you to go bed early on weekends, it doesn’t help you to keep that spark alive. Even if he isn’t cheating, he could be talking to others whilst you’re working and thinking that he’s missing out. You got together so young that neither of you will know what it’s like with someone else and maybe he is thinking the grass is greener. Chatting is often exciting and this can seem like a drug when you’ve got a normal, married life and lure you away from the monotony. Some people can settle with their first and only love and others can’t.

You’re really doing yourself no favours by dancing round these issues with him. Be strong, have that conversation and if he’s in any way unsure of how he feels, he needs to move out whilst he works that out. Maybe he will realise he has made a mistake, maybe he won’t, maybe he will have a try of other relationships before releasing what he had. This has to be about self preservation for you now and looking after your own mental well-being. The only person that can take care of you is you!

I would also examine whether you are in a co-dependent relationship op, it is quite common among those that were very young into a serious relationship.

It was your first love, you have no experience of any other relationship - you have grown up with him so it will feel like the most enormous painful kick in the gut, and you must be reeling. Absolutely reeling if you did not even have an inkling that this was coming down the track. It is going to take a while to get over the shock, but in the process please just focus on making sure you and your children are secure, financially and otherwise. Ask for some leave. You will need to gather yourself, given the fallout.

I don't think he can stay though, this would be a living hell for you - having to feel the love you do for him, see him every day but not be with him in the literal sense. That will be too much for anyone.

@Friendsoftheearth

Have a good cry, then change the locks. Call your best friends. He doesn't get to hurt you like this.

Yes. Change the locks on a jointly owned house. That's really good sound advice.

Op, does he have a habit of saying terrible things to punish you? So for example if he doesn’t get what he wants (ie time with his brother) he will say awful things to cause you pain and punish you?

If not, then I also think, I’m sorry he’s met someone else.and the late nights, extra hours, absorption in his reports is a cover.

The things he said though, are cruel. They sound like he has made his words weapons to hurt you as much as he can. Which makes me wonder if you’re actually in an abusive relationship and there is more to it than is being presented.

Seldom do loving partners become cruel in the way you’ve described here.

I don't think it is another woman.

It may be that he has persuaded himself that he is trapped with 3 children, work and a mortgage and there is another shining, alternative life out there waiting for him.Maybe he sees himself as a professional surfer with an attic flat and a beautiful girl or two to be his companions.

If this is on the right lines, the more planning there is for the wedding and the nearer it draws, the more he sees the final nails waiting to lock down the lid on his life and condemn him to marriage, kids, a job, bills and the rest of it.

Giving you a begrudged 10 years helps him because he can always assure himself that the 'wrong' life he is in will not be ever-freedom and his fantasy life have not been locked away. They are still there, waiting for him in 10 years.

It is hard to compete with a fantasy other life and I wouldn't. If he wants to go, then let him. It will be hard but, in these cases, there is little else to do.

If he is in this mindset and he stays/or you beg him to then it will be trouble for you because every thing that you do or say-that he doesn't like- will just lead him to feel woe for himself and he will bugger off anyway.

Don't beg him. Let him go and find whatever he thinks is his due. You have your children, you are young and how knows what wonderful things your alternative life will hold.