My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

@everythingisginandroses

A few years ago I was washing the floor at 11pm after a long day at work. I thought to myself "Is this it? After this, I'm going to bed, then I have to get up and do it all again". Then I thought: "Yes, this is it. My reward is a clean floor, and then I get up and support my family. I don't get a fucking medal". I then went the fuck to bed.

There is nothing worse than living with some discontented tosser who thinks they are too special and important for the life they are living, and that they were made for better things.

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

Love this. Absolutely agree.

I feel like I'm just a burden to him and the only reason why he is going to stay in a loveless relationship is because he has a point to prove to his father...

That may suit him.

It will destroy you.

You - and your children - deserve much better.

Sorry to read this OP. He sounds like my ex who slso said I was old at 30! He's an arsehole who clearly isn't mature enough. I do also believe he has met someone else.

@JinglingHellsBells

I'm sorry.

I think that both of you have started the whole family thing very young- meeting at 20 and having 3 kids by the age of 30 (the average age for a first child is now 30.)

I agree with this. You met when you were kids and have been together ever since.

No chance to explore other adult relationships.

That's no excuse for him to be mean to you.

In regards to the wedding plans...there have been a fair few thread's where the OP is having second thoughts just weeks before the wedding and those doubts have been there for a while.

The thing with your situation, is you've had the kids and bought the house before getting married....so it's a lot more difficult to just walk away from the relationship.

People change a lot from teens to 30s. Falling out of love is not a crime for either gender....but saying things to hurt your DP/DW/DH, especially when you share children and will need to coparent going forwards, is far from sensible.

If I was in your position, I would start discussing the practical steps of separation with him, in as calm a manner as possible.

Him staying for 10 years is a bad idea all round.... especially for you.

He needs a short, sharp shock op, and you need to take some control back.

He's said his piece, now it's your turn. Tell him he needs to leave whilst you decide what you want to do, stop doing the 'pick me dance' take control. Do YOU want a life with a man who doesn't love you and is only with you for the next 10 years, if the answer is no then you need to ask him to leave. The only way he'll realise what he really wants is if you show him what life will be like without you.

"Um mind f•k? Is this all a game to him?
Obviously this is all I want to hear but I feel so destroyed by his words? And feel like the trust is gone."

The trust is gone. He might tell you what you want to hear very soon, and for a while you might feel like you've hit the jackpot and won back your sweetheart.

But over the years it will eat away at you that he was so ready to toss you away, or that he might do it again, or that he might just be lying to you about loving you now so that the kids don't suffer for the next ten years and then he's out of there. I can't see a scenario where you'll ever be able to feel as infatuated with him as you had before all of this. He was so lucky to be with somebody, and have three children with them, and still be loved like he was in the honeymoon stage. He had a life so many people would dream of. That is gone. You won't be able to change that now and neither will he.

I'm very sorry because all of that sounds so pessimistic. But I can't see how you could trust him after this. He's already broken your heart. I really truly hope that you can find it in you to walk away from him now, amicably of course, because you sound so loving and you deserve to have somebody who loves you in exactly the same way

If he isn't eyeing up someone else the only other thing i can think of is that he is "punishing" you for the disagreement you had.
Some guys do this and it's a really shitty thing to do. It was another thing my ex would do, we'd have an argument and he's threaten to leave.
Its pathetic and you need to call his bluff and ask him when and where he is going.

I (and probably so many other posters) genuinely believe that you might be thinking that you don't need to tell him to leave, that he'll tell you he's sorry and that he wants only you and that you'll both live happily ever after. I just really want you to understand that there are so many people telling you the same thing for a very good reason. He is currently taking advantage of you, and you love him so much and want so much for all of this to be over that you'd probably accept his first apology and be done with it. But you really really need to tell him to leave while you think about your future with him. It will be the hardest thing you've had to do in a long time, probably ever, but it will show you exactly where he stands.

[quote SophieH12]@Sssloou my parents have been happily married for 28 years now, together for 34.

I know a huge factor that plays havoc in OH's brain is that his father left him when he was 5 years old. He emigrated to Oz and then went on to have 2 children and adopted another. He didnt talk to my OH for 15 years. They then got in contact and the bitterness was still there and OH could never forgive him. When it came to us having children OH said he would never let his kids go through what he did/hence why he says he cant go a day without seeing them.
Now I feel like I'm just a burden to him and the only reason why he is going to stay in a loveless relationship is because he has a point to prove to his father...[/quote]
I think this is very relevant.

He has said some truly awful things to you.

What are you going to do?
At the very least, I'd start protecting my finances and start looking for a job that doesn't take me away from my DC at night.

You have to start thinking logically OP.

I don't think hes cheating.

30 years old and living in the countryside with 2 kids following a 15 year relationship working a 16 hour day, like ships in the night with your partner.

You say your life was a happy one, that life would be my nightmare

I think he is having an existential crisis where he realises he prioritised sensible choices but in reality his youth is slipping by and he made no room for "adventure".

Is it pathetic, when you've actively chosen that life and brought kids into the mix? Yes.

Is it understandable though? Also yes.

What is completely unacceptable to me is how he has spoken to you. The insults and the cruelty.

You cant come back from this. You need to part ways and be grateful that you had a happy relationship with your childhood sweetheart, two kids and a decade of living an idyllic life.

Time for a new chapter.

The reason he is messing you around with push pull now is his heart and head are telling him two different things.

Heart: There has to be more, this cant be it, this cant be how my life story ends.

Head: I love OP, we've always been together, what about the house, what about the kids

Just leave him

Agree with the last 2 PP's.

Regardless of his motivation, he has been very cruel to you.

What are you going to do about it?

It's always very telling when a man is happy enough to be in a relationship with a woman for a long time due to the benefits it brings him and even have kids with her but drags his heels actually committing to marriage. So many men are like your boyfriend and is why we always warn that if marriage is not forthcoming earlier in the relationship (you know within a year or two if this is the person you want to be with the rest of your life and if you want to propose) then cut your losses and go. Women need to wisen up.

At least he's had the decency to speak up so you don't waste anymore time with him. Unfortunately he will have felt this way for a very long time so don't try to hang onto him or try to persuade him to stay as it will be only to your detriment if his heart isnt in it. Sorry OP and wish you the best

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Agreed on the someone else. Take back the power OP. Tell him to leave. You don't need his crumbs or the next 10 years wasted in a dead end relationship.

You've been together a long time to not already be married. Three children and still not married. Sorry OP but this sounds like he's had his fill and is bored.

"Had his fill and bored" encapsulates the mindset many of these men have unfortunately . The frustrating thing is too many women let them have their cake and eat it in the first place.

An 8 year engagement is never a good sign. By being unbothered about the real legal protections and concrete commitment marriage gives, this has sadly backfired on you as it's given him the space to have kids with you and also enjoy all the other benefits of having a wife, but without any of the commitment. If you were insistent about the importance of marriage before kids and the other milestones, his true feelings and doubts would have been exposed much much earlier.

Please dont listen to him about 30 being old, you're not old OP, don't let him dent your self esteem.

I think this this sounds a bit like mental illness. I have a friend who did this to his wife on 20 years after a bad bout of depression. Year down the road and he regretted it badly. Too late then, shed moved on.

30? Old? Has he got himself a younger ow? I smell a dirty big rat in all this. Very rarely do men suddenly turn around and say ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you’ without there being someone else.
I hope I’m wrong and you get to the bottom of it, it’s really unfair on you.

He sounds awful. Called you old when you’re only 30. Wants to string you along for 10 years until kids are grown then separate. You do all the housework and get 2 hours sleep a night.
You need to get tough and tell him to leave. Do not take him back. He is walking all over you. He’s a prick, and knows he can pick you up and drop you when he wants now.

@CorianderLord

So is he going to keep chasing women in their 20s and then leave them at 30? Even when he's 60? Gross

@CorianderLord I remember reading an article about a survey of men and the women they're attracted to. Men in their late teens and their twenties are most attracted to women in the twenties (optimum age 27 yo). Sadly, the men in their 30s, 40s & 50s (and maybe up to the 70s too, I can't quite remember) all admitted to preferring women in their twenties too. How depressing!!

I wonder how many of our partners feel that way? Do they look at us and think we're 'too old'? This could be a whole separate discussion/post in itself!

OP, I feel for you and your DC. I agree with PP...start to move on with your life...it will only be more attractive to your husband than being needy. He may realise what he's missing and by then you may find you're happier without him or it might work out for the two of you. Good luck

I don’t necessarily think he’s met someone else and it’s unhealthy/unhelpful to suggest he has.

Actually it isn't. He is being nasty and cruel and OP needs to start protecting herself. The most likely cause is an ow but even if not, he has checked out of the relationship and OP needs to take control and not let this man dictate the cause of her life for the next 10 years.

I’m so sorry. I’m 30 too... married a few weeks ago. It’s always easier if it’s not happening to you; but I couldn’t put up with this. I couldn’t wait around to see if he leaves in a decade, if he leaves when he finds someone he’s more attracted to, if he ever managed to love me again. You deserve someone who loves the bones of you. He doesn’t. There’s nothing you can do to change that. You’re building your future on someone else’s sand now... it could fall apart catastrophically at any time.

You can’t marry him now that you know he doesn’t love you. You won’t be able to believe him if he turns around and tells you he loves you again, because it’s so unlikely to be true. Flowers don’t fix this...

I feel for him, because I stayed in my last relationship for too long because anxiety made it so hard to leave. Nobody got hurt there (it was a very different situation in that sense), but the anxiety definitely made leaving harder. I dreaded the change that I knew I needed to make. I wondered if I should settle just to avoid the unknown. But now that he’s been honest, you both need to work from there. He can’t retreat now. This isn’t what it was.

All the best

He is telling you the truth! Nah he's not. You are not old or unattractive. Whether he's already got someone younger or not that's his plan. So off he goes. Now not in 10 years. I know this hurts so much but he is not your friend. You need to focus on you because he is only thinking of himself

Op I'm sorry this is happening to you it's utterly crap. At a time when you feel at your weakest and lowest you need to get some outside support and find the strength from somewhere to not sit back and let this be done to you, but take up the reins and start taking action on your own terms without waiting for his agreement or tacit permission.

Are your DC at an age when you can leave them alone for a couple of days? If so, and you are certain the house is in both your names, I would go away for a bit if possible. If not I would ask him to move out to a relative but ask him to be ready to look after the DC when it's his turn. Get him to fit around you and your requirements. Don't be passive. Don't show emotion. Go grey rock and practical. Don't sit around and wait for him to make up his mind about you. Bollocks to that. You have 3 DC together fhs, this man needs to grow up. He may have mh issues buthebis till well enough to work long hours so he can give you some proper time and attention. In this situation it is not your role to prop him up.. He's either in or out and if he is full of doubts then he can effing well take them elsewhere and look after his DC on his own at least EOW and fit them around his 60 hour week. I've never heard such ridiculousness calling someone who is 30, "old". What a tit. Sending you strength x

Also who the arse does he think he is offering to stay until the children are raised but on his terms? I'd be furious at that and tell him you deserve better!

Op did all her posts on the first day and nothing since. Hope you are ok ?

I stopped reading here:

He says he's not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.

Who's he attracted to? Teenagers?? This man is not worth your time. Cut your losses. Sorry you're dealing with this. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll get through it. And you'll be okay.