My heart feels shattered :'(

[SophieH12]

I have been with my partner for 10 years. We have 3 amazing children together. We both work hard and had what I thought, an amazing future in front of us.
Since November last year we have been saving every month for our wedding April 2022.

When we are not working we have lovely times together. We live by the coast so it is a favourite thing of ours to go to the beach as often as we can. We always say...we are at our happiest on the beach! :)
Life has felt amazing. We don't have everything but we had each other and that's all I could have ever wished for.

We had a slight disagreement a few weeks a go and ever since my whole life feels like its falling down around me.
OH has said he doesnt love me like he should and has felt this way for a long time. This has stunned me as I have never felt he felt that way. He always made me feel like a princess and only had me stood at our wedding venue a couple weeks before hand telling me he cant wait to finally make me his wife.
He is now saying he cant commit to me as he doesnt know if he wants to be with me for the rest of his life? MY HEART IS BREAKING SO BAD!

I honestly can not see my life without him. He says hes been living a lie to make it work for our children. He says hes not attracted to me because I'm old (I'm 30) he's 31.
The things he have said is so heart wrenching and I'm in total shock.
He has been saying he wants to break up but I cry and beg him as I love him so deeply.

He has been diagnosed with anxiety, so I was hoping it was that making him say things like this but I believe I may just be in denial?

I honestly feel like I am losing my everything and i dont know what to do. As cringey as it sounds he is my soulmate and I know life without him would be so hard. I love him so so much.

I feel like I have been lied to and feel so used/heartbroken. He says he can commit to another 10 years until our children have grown up and then leave me then but I feel that is so so wrong :'(
He says he loves me and within the next 10 years he might fall in love with me? But I cant help but feel if he doesnt love me now after 10 years that he never will.
I'm so good to him, I always do my best to make him and the kids so happy so this is all just a huge shock.

Has anyone else been in this situation ? And what advice can you give?

The most important people here are your DCs. Their DF isn’t emotionally available to them and doesn’t sound like he is around much physically for them - burying himself in “work”..... I have seen lots of men like this who use their “work” to avoid family life.

However they have YOU. So you need to keep attuned, focused and calm for them during this time. You can’t do this subjugating yourself to his deep emotional whims - tell him to see a therapist and use your freed up headspace and energy for self care - so that your DCs have at least one parent looking out for them. Don’t let him drag you down his MH/crisis/ow drain with him - conserve and prioritise your energy to protect your DC. Don’t let his actions turn you into a wreck.

@Sssloou

I would take cool, calm action ASAP.

Then anything or nothing will be flushed out.

If there is someone - this will be the quickest way for it to come out.

If he is just having a “mid” life crisis - then he needs to get on with it - on his own.

It seems he wants to you to give him the opportunity to have affairs etc and still stay with him?

It’s counter intuitive but if you want him back you need to let him go and “find” himself. The begging, subjugating, pick me dance is v unattractive and will destroy your soul, your children and he will continue to disrespect you.

Get him gone. Make sure he knows it’s for good. Plan a calm and dignified life without him.

If in a year it has come to pass that there was no one in his life, he deals with his MH issues, has total remorse and takes 100% responsibility for his actions and dedication to repair the relationship then you may consider how you feel then. Don’t tell him this though - and plan your life under the assumption that he is not coming back.

Be calm, dignified and ruthless. YOU need to put down v firm boundaries and expectations otherwise your DCs are going to have a shit family life if he stays and worse if he comes and goes. Their experience will be much better if arrangements are clear and consistent with a confident Mum.

Excellent advice.

Cliched but true that if you love someone let them go. If his emotions and thought processes are all tangled up and he isn't sure about how he feels about what he's got - for whatever reason - then he needs to go because he can't be a life partner in that state of mind, he can be a father still, but not keep you dangling.

He can't say he doesn't love you and then say he does without destroying the trust and utterly de-valuing his own word. His self-contradiction over such a fundamental thing means you have nothing solid on which to base your decisions and as such you have to move forward on the basis that the foundations of the relationship are changed and it would take serious work and commitment to repair the damage.

He sounds like a moron! And a Hippocrate. He’s not your Soulmate. You can do so much better!

I hope you are ok op?

One thing I wished someone had told me: remember that you have to live with yourself after this, if you throw yourself at his feet and plead with him to stay - not only will you be losing him, but you will lose your dignity, self respect and pride as well. You may well feel raw and broken by this bombshell - but for your own sake, keep your composure, do not beg and walk away. The healing process will be so much easier if you know you handled yourself well, you are dignified and together - the memories of throwing yourself on his alter will haunt you for a long time, the fact you could not be on your own side even at a time like this will be very painful - you did not defend yourself, stand up for your own rights - and ensuring that he does not take you all down with this.

If you are able to walk away/show him the door with all the grace you can muster - at the very least you come away with your self respect. You can look yourself in the eye. The pick me dance will make you feel worthless.

In the months to come promise yourself that no one can crush you and ruin you. No one can take your achievements, your beauty - your loving nature away. Your children are and will continue to be a source of strength, remind yourself that you owe to them to prioritise their needs and your needs certainly before his.

Try to stop thinking of him, and instead think of them. They are going to need a mother who is strong and together. It will be okay op, in the end it may be a silver lining because you may look back once the rose tinted glasses are off, and wonder why you ever settled for him in the first place. Be sure to put yourself first.

His behaviour sounds realy unfair on you. It may be to some extent due to his anxiety so, especially if this is completely out of character, you could ask him to speak to his GP about this. Also, if you do decide to stay with him I would suggest you go to relationship counselling. If he is still talking about staying together for the children I personally would say you do not want this and follow some of the advice above about making sure you and your children are in a good position financially. My parents tried staying together "for the children" and it was miserable for everyone involved, they eventually went for amicable shared custody and it was so much better for all of us. If you stay together hopefully it will be because you love each other and respect each other.

I have been to relationshio counselling with a previous partner before I met my DH and it really helped me see the relationship for what it was (something I needed to leave). However, I have a number of friends who have been to relationship counselling with their partners and found it has strengthened their relationships. I would completely recommend it (Relate I think have a flexible pricing policy so you pay what you can afford if that is a consideration for you at all).

Look after yourself whatever you decide, this must be so hard for you, but you will get through it. I realise from what you say about your age and the length of your relationship that this may be the first time you have had your heart broken by a long term partner. I just mention it because it is such an awful feeling, but it will pass, you will feel happy again whatever the oucome with regards to your relationship. Definitely agree with the advice above to talk to someone you trust in your real life for support.

He does understand any women he's in a relationship is going to get older, right?

Without wishing to excuse his behaviour, one possible cause of this could be the medication he is on.

You say he has been on these tablets for 3 weeks. Most tablets for anxiety and depression are well-known to make symptoms worse before they make them better, and I have personal experience of this! If he's only 3 weeks in, his behaviour could well be a result of the tablets rather than an affair.

Most medications tend to stabilise between 2 - 6 weeks in.

If this is out of the blue, I'd really be wondering about the medication.

Yes, it is entirely possible he's a cheating bastard, but it's also possible that he's experiencing fairly normal side effects of anti-depressants.

I think you both need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Don't allow him to treat you badly, regardless of the cause.

So sorry for you, OP. It does sound very much as if he has met somebody else and he's trying to disentangle himself with the least possible pain and embarrassment to himself.

The fact that he has been so vocal to both yours and his family about how he's looking forward to getting married is what makes me think this. He now needs time to work out his exit strategy.

I know it must be so devastating for you. Do you have anybody in RL life that you can confide in, to help you with your planning now? If it were me, I'd forget about access to the kids as a starting point, the first thing is to get him OUT - and tell BOTH families so that he is the one wrong-footed, not you. His dream state is filled with himself and his wants, not you, so don't feel guilty about making some sharp decisions that benefit just you and your children right now.

I know that there is great advice on this board about getting all the relevant paperwork together and I think that's a terrific starting point.

I'm really sorry for your pain, you've done nothing wrong, he is the one not being authentic and you deserved that, not this. Whether it's another woman, younger or not, he owed you a hell of a lot better.

Get your RL support around you and don't be coerced into keeping quiet if you want to bring the bullshit to an end.

As a footnote, I really wish posters would stop using that absolutely cringey cliche 'cherchez la femme' though, this is somebody's life, not detective fiction.

Him coming home and acting as if everything is just fine is cruel. And this is just the beginning. He's going to yo-yo and prevaricate and drag you through an emotional shit storm until he finally makes up his mind.

Not that it's not pretty much made up right now. Men don't usually take the chance of disrupting their 'home comforts' unless they're pretty much ready to jump ship. No, they usually keep schtum so the wife/partner keeps up their laundry, serves them their meals, and parents their children until they set things up to easily walk out one door and right into another one. It's not always an OW's door, sometimes it's their parent's, a mate's, or their own flat. But most of them don't mess in the nest until they have another 'clean' one ready (or firm plans and finances).

Being depressed or having anxiety is not an excuse for treating other people with such an appalling lack of concern. Especially someone who one purports to 'care about'. You don't need this shit.

I reiterate my advice. You need to ask him to leave and stay elsewhere until he's thought this through completely and made a final decision. At least you'd have a small sense of 'calm' in your house. You may still be hurting and upset but you won't be on an emotional roller coaster.

I'll also throw in my usual advice:

You aren't married. You have no real legal rights. So you need to separate all finances NOW. He is no longer someone you can trust. If you have joint accounts, pull your money OUT. If you have joint savings take 1/2 and put it under your own name.

Be thoroughly familiar with the terms of your lease (or) your house deeds and mortgage. If you own, get the house valued if there is an option that one of you might offer to buy the other out or with an eye to selling.

If you are not already, become familiar with the costs of running your household to determine whether or not you can afford to keep the house.

Remember that he will owe child maintenance and the children deserve it.

See a solicitor about the advisability of getting child residency and access orders.

You need to get those ducks in a row. Don't be blinded by fear or your desire to keep him. He's certainly getting his ducks in a row, if he hasn't already.

People do change and grow apart, especially if their relationship was formed when they were so young. From that perspective, I can kinda understand the panic from your partner. That is, IF there's not another woman involved here.

But the cruelty he is subjecting you to in order to come to this realization, is definitely NOT on. Send him packing, Op. You deserve so much better. Your CHILDREN deserve much better. He may be good to them, but he's been exceptionally cruel to you. That does nothing but teach your children that this is how relationships work.

There's definitely someone else. I'm so sorry. Been there for the T-shirt.

Have a look at the chump lady website and implement the 180.

"You aren't married. You have no real legal rights. So you need to separate all finances NOW. He is no longer someone you can trust. If you have joint accounts, pull your money OUT. If you have joint savings take 1/2 and put it under your own name.

Be thoroughly familiar with the terms of your lease (or) your house deeds and mortgage. If you own, get the house valued if there is an option that one of you might offer to buy the other out or with an eye to selling.

If you are not already, become familiar with the costs of running your household to determine whether or not you can afford to keep the house.

Remember that he will owe child maintenance and the children deserve it.

See a solicitor about the advisability of getting child residency and access orders.

You need to get those ducks in a row. Don't be blinded by fear or your desire to keep him. He's certainly getting his ducks in a row, if he hasn't already."

@AcrossthePond55's advice is spot on. Please follow it.

He said hello etc and then he came up to me and hugged me and said.. I love you, I really do. He then said...I was going to buy you flowers but thought it would be too soon...

Mine did that, the yo-yoing between not wanting to be with me and then declaring his love.

He was in 'conflict' as to who he wanted, me or OW. I didn't know at the time.

He'd spend the night away "at his dad's getting space" (whilst being at her house) then come home and announce we're going for dinner, we will try to fix things.

OP the man is a cunt.

I think it's entirely possible to love someone but not want whatever the relationship is (with them.) But people need to think about this before they have kids! Not after. IMO and I know there are exceptions, most men are not ready to be dads till they are well out of their 20s.

I was dumped by a long term boyfriend, in my 20s, after we got engaged, who swore he did love me and I really think he did. BUT he didn't want to be married because at that age he saw it as a loss of freedom.

I walked away without pleading and some time later after he'd messed up with someone else, he regretted it for many years so I heard.

For your sake OP you need to walk away emotionally, let him see what he's missing and he might think again.

If not, he's not worth it.

Hey OP, I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how painful it must be.

It sounds like he feels a bit stuck in rut and perhaps feeling like the excitement has gone out of the relationship and maybe wondering if the grass is greener on the other side and feeling like he wants to explore. Also maybe a bit of cold feet due to the wedding.

I think the best thing you can do is seriously dig deep and find your self esteem and realise that nothing is more important than your children and your self respect. Get that confidence back. Perhaps start a new hobby. Arrange time with friends.

There's nothing less attractive in this situation than someone being clingy and desperate. I know it will be so hard because of how you feel and will seem counter intuitive but I really think the best way to win him back is to focus on yourself and be a strong independent woman and keep him at arms length a bit. Become busy with other things. It will be really attractive to him and he'll realise how much he loves you. He needs reminding how awesome you are. So act it! Xxxx

Op,

My heart sank when I read the beginning of your post - it all sounded so lovely and tbh what I feel I have with my partner. I thought you were going to say he was terminally ill or had died!

Then I got completely enraged. The absolute cheek of him calling you old - you are younger than him!

I would take back all the power here.

"Actually I've been thinking about it. If I'm going to commit my life to someone I want him to a man, a real solid man that I can depend on. If you are so immature to think that thirty is old I shudder to think what you will be like in ten years time.

Did it really not occur to you that it was a long-term thing when you proposed marriage? I never realised just how foolish you were.

I know you want to make amends but I'm really seeing you in a new light and it's not flattering. I see a silly little boy.

Your children will always be your children but I am going to reassess my own future. I would like us to discuss how we will navigate separating."

How dare he think the decision is all his or he can give you some expiry dated marriage?

I'm so sorry you're going through this Sophie. I went through similar with a long-term partner in my 20's (although we didn't have children ) and I remember the sheer misery of it so well. I did the pick me dance to my shame and I bitterly regret it. One thing my mum said that has stayed with me is that you want the enemy outside the door not inside with you. xx

Please get some therapy or counselling to see you through this. You need to find the strength to leave him. He is not your soulmate. He said he doesn't love you because you're old. What an awful thing to say, when you're 30! You need to be strong

Are your parents supportive? Do you have any local friends or siblings to talk this through with? Get it out of the shadows and into the light - others will have another perspective and can listen. Currently you are just internalising his narrative - and that’s all it is. He isn’t giving you the opportunity to vent, debate, discuss. You deserve to be heard and have your feelings validated by people who care about you not twisted by the and dismissed by the cliche with the script.

Since when is 30 old?????

I am so,so angry on your behalf. What a self-centred cruel man. You sound so lovely and believe me, you can do better than be an emotional punch bag for this twat. Please get angry enough to make a stand for your self respect and tell him in no uncertain terms what a waste of space he is and that you want him to leave - now.

He sounds awful. Please value yourself and stand up to him.

Like all weak, stupid and self-centred people, he's projecting his insecurities and worries on to you. U do agree with a previous poster who said she doesn't believe he actually thinks you're old. He's thinking that he hasn't had the youth he now wishes he'd had (presumably he imagines tons of hot sex with young women who cared only about pleasing him). But he can't admit that he's fucking over his family and his kids for this, so the problem has to be you. He can't face the fact that maybe he's not a very exciting person, so the problem must be that you're just too old.

Horrible. If he has fallen out of love and doesn't want to marry, there are honourable ways of ending the relationship while doing right by you and the kids. Blaming it all on your age (not even his own! And dear God, you're 30!) and then dithering about, he loves you, he loves you not, maybe you should give up the next ten years to raise his kids and clean his house and make his meals and wash his pants so he can then fuck off when the parenting's over....how dare he?

He is no man.

Hope ur ok

A few years ago I was washing the floor at 11pm after a long day at work. I thought to myself "Is this it? After this, I'm going to bed, then I have to get up and do it all again". Then I thought: "Yes, this is it. My reward is a clean floor, and then I get up and support my family. I don't get a fucking medal". I then went the fuck to bed.

There is nothing worse than living with some discontented tosser who thinks they are too special and important for the life they are living, and that they were made for better things.

Sorry you are going through this, OP.