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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To ask husband to leave because of his snoring?

176 replies

Rainbowsparkle · 08/10/2020 21:46

We have been together a long time. He has always snored but last 5-6 years it has got progressively worse to the point if he goes to sleep first I can’t sleep. I work full time as well as having 2 children. I’m surviving on 3-4 hours sleep a night. He has been to ent specialist and sleep clinic and requires an operation but he won’t have it done as he doesn’t see why he should have an operation. I am tired all of the time. Kids used to be able to sleep through it but got to the point he now wakes them up. My family thought I was exaggerating until we shared a house on holiday a couple of years ago and they all complained about it. We no longer sleep in the same bed as I end up on the sofa. My back constantly hurts because of this.
He can see the effect it’s having on me and still won’t have the op. I love him but I can’t live like this anymore and if he’s not prepared to do something about it I can’t see any other option.

OP posts:
Taikoo · 09/10/2020 04:24

Yes, I would ask him to leave and I would divorce him.
Selfish, horrible man.
Life is too short to put up with this.

Sunflower1970 · 09/10/2020 06:10

I feel your pain!!! My husband’s snoring is horrific (Even our neighbors can hear it through the wall!)but we have a wonderful relationship and a luckily a spare room x

weepingwillow22 · 09/10/2020 06:26

My DH is the same and this is why I have slept in a seperate room for the last 8 years. I would not end our marriage over it though as he is great in all (most) other respects.

He is on the sofa atm as we are having building work done and he has temporarily lost the use of his bedroom. I would never be the one to go on the sofa as the snoring is his issue that he is not proactively fixing.

Whydidimarryhim · 09/10/2020 06:30

What a selfish man he is.
He needs a shock - I’m not sure what that could be - divorce!!!
Is he willing to share the couch - ie he sleeps on it a couple of nights - buy a decent one - bed settee - see if that helps first - I’d would be very very shabby!!!!
Go to bed first - put a lock on the door and lock the fucker out!!!
Sleep is so so important - he is not being considerate to your needs and is basically saying “you don’t matter” -
How about you stop cooking for him and doing his washing - tell him it’s to get used to his New Single Life!!! I’m serious.

Thesuzle · 09/10/2020 06:33

OP, have you got him to try a mouth guard thingy, which slightly pulls the lower jaw forward, it helps my husband who as a wide range of snoring noise.
But yes I’m in a spare bed, i make him use the guard on holidays etc.

sofato5miles · 09/10/2020 06:34

I would hate him so much that it would colour my view of him entirely. It is a quality of life issue.

TwilightSkies · 09/10/2020 06:37

OP has he put weight on?

KatherineJaneway · 09/10/2020 06:38

You say He’s a really good man other than the snoring. but then say I’ve recorded it and played it back to him. He thinks it’s funny.

They don't go together when his wife and kids can't sleep and there is a solution but he won't take it.

If it were me he'd be getting an ultimatum, get the operation or we'll be separating.

violetbunny · 09/10/2020 06:43

It's not his snoring that's the issue here, it's his attitude 😡

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 09/10/2020 06:48

My dh snores, it’s been an issue for years until last summer when I said I wouldn’t sleep with him anymore. He got a sleep app and realised I was right when I said every night at 3am he was waking me up 🙄

Difference is now he is quite contrite about it and I can’t hear him when he’s not in the bedroom. I can’t imagine how loud he must be if you can hear him from upstairs.

If my dh hadn’t taken me seriously I would definitely have left, it’s a matter of respecting your partner and it doesn’t sound like he respects you

noodlezoodle · 09/10/2020 06:53

The snoring is one issue, but the thing that would be a dealbreaker for me is that he thinks it's funny, he's fine with making everyone else's life uncomfortable, and he doesn't see why he should have to fix it if he doesn't want to.

He's not a good man.

myfatcat · 09/10/2020 07:14

Sleep is a necessity not a luxury. Forcing sleep deprivation on someone is fucked up and selfish.

Yanbu

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/10/2020 07:14

Has he been tested for sleep apnea? Which he needs to sort as ultimately it can lead to strokes and heart failure as it places incredible strain on the heart. Particularly as men who suffer from it are also generally overweight.

Poor you, OP. My DH has sleep apnea and wearing a mask transformed his sleeping and totally eliminated his snoring.

YANBU.

Lozzerbmc · 09/10/2020 07:35

My DP snores dreadfully so sleeps in spare room but holidays are not restful when we have to sleep together. However he is loosing weight which helps. I think you need a serious conversation with him as he needs to understand seriousness. Its the op or your marriage! In meantime he needs to sleep on sofa - no discussion! Good luck

Mummysgonetobed · 09/10/2020 07:42

You would not be unreasonable at all, OP. My DH snores and it is torture. I wake him up every single time he does it - nails down his back generally as nudges no longer work. If he’s waking me up, I’m waking him up. There is a lot of resentment between us over it and he also thinks it’s funny when I record him. Won’t do a thing about it as “it’s not his fault”. We’ve 3 small children and he wakes them most nights too. We’re all grumpy.
You have my sympathies, it’s awful.

Oncemorewithfeelin · 09/10/2020 07:49

Chuck water on him everytime he wakes you. Make sure you are waking him so he knows how you are feeling.

Does he have weight to lose? Has he spoken with a doctor already who has told him he needs and operation

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2020 07:50

Does he know divorce is on the table?

Whats his reaction?

Redrosesandsunsets · 09/10/2020 07:50

My husband did keto. Solved all snoring issues. Fact.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 09/10/2020 07:50

Personally I couldn’t live like this knowing my husband doesn’t care enough about me in this way. He literally is putting himself before you and the children and doesn’t care you’re all suffering. And he LAUGHS when you play the recording? He’s really an arsehole and I would always resent him. He doesn’t value you.

HavelockVetinari · 09/10/2020 07:54

@SPLUGSYMALONE

This weekend ask him to pack his bags and go somewhere else.

Tell him that you and the DC need some decent sleep and if you can't do that with him, you'll need to do it without him.

Say that you'll be spending time this weekend whilst he is not there deciding if you want to stay married to him or not.

Get tough. Don't back down.

Let him realise what he stands to lose and if he still doesn't agree to get the op, then he's too selfish to remain married to.

This. He sounds like a selfish prick.
Odile13 · 09/10/2020 08:01

I don’t understand why he thinks it’s funny. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things. It makes you feel awful and stops you from enjoying life. He shouldn’t be indirectly laughing at your suffering.

I sympathise with him being scared of an operation but he should try other things. A family member of mine snores and she has tried all sorts, from putting tape on her face to sleeping sitting up. I think your husband should be trying different things and changing his lifestyle rather than this all coming down to you.

All I can suggest is sitting him down and truly telling him how you feel and not accepting it being treated as a laughing matter.

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/10/2020 08:57

I cannot fathom how someone could be so selfish as to refuse treatment that would rectify the issue AND THEN refuse to be the one to take the sofa/ come up with an alternative solution. His attitude is gross and laughing at the recording despite knowing how much the sleep deprivation is affecting you is awful.

It is so sad when people try to minimise the effect that their selfish behaviour has on their own family.

IJustWantSomeBees · 09/10/2020 08:59

@myfatcat

Sleep is a necessity not a luxury. Forcing sleep deprivation on someone is fucked up and selfish.

Yanbu

This is what it boils down to
JumpingJamboree · 09/10/2020 09:24

I now wake my husband up every time he wakes me up with his snoring.
Things did come to a head when I was heavily pregnant and resorted to sleeping on the sofa because he wouldn't! He did go to the doctors but they only gave him a nose spray which helps slightly but not a lot. Over lockdown he has put on weight (like all of us) and now it is awful again. It literally drives me insane, especially when my sleep interrupted by the baby anyway. Then he has the gall to tell me he slept badly during the night and is tired Angry

category12 · 09/10/2020 09:26

It's the not giving a shit about your comfort, taking the bed and laughing it off that make it a dealbreaker.

If a "come to Jesus" serious conversation about it bringing you to your knees and contemplating divorce doesn't motivate him to make changes, then you have little choice.

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