To ask husband to leave because of his snoring?

[Rainbowsparkle]

We have been together a long time. He has always snored but last 5-6 years it has got progressively worse to the point if he goes to sleep first I can’t sleep. I work full time as well as having 2 children. I’m surviving on 3-4 hours sleep a night. He has been to ent specialist and sleep clinic and requires an operation but he won’t have it done as he doesn’t see why he should have an operation. I am tired all of the time. Kids used to be able to sleep through it but got to the point he now wakes them up. My family thought I was exaggerating until we shared a house on holiday a couple of years ago and they all complained about it. We no longer sleep in the same bed as I end up on the sofa. My back constantly hurts because of this.
He can see the effect it’s having on me and still won’t have the op. I love him but I can’t live like this anymore and if he’s not prepared to do something about it I can’t see any other option.

I couldn't live with him or his attitude.

I am afraid I'm the snorer in our family. I've tried gadgets and sprays and there are no indications something more is wrong; I don't stop breathing etc.
I don't see the point in DH telling me I was snoring because I know I was and I can't help it. I don't drink much at all, I have not put on weight recently though I am in the overweight bracket. My DS needs to put on weight which means basically I have to cook 10-11 main meals a week if I want to eat different food to the rest of the family (my share of everyone else's plus 7 for me), I am crap at restricting my diet (get too flipping hungry), we always have snacks in (for DS and DH who has diabetes).
I do cycle and walk a lot though. Still haven't lost any weight.

My ex husband was a snorer - we ended up in separate bedrooms once DS arrived but I could still hear him, it was awful. The snoring wasn’t the main reason for the divorce but his reluctance to do anything about it was a factor, it’s so selfish.

@drspouse can’t you have an operation?

I told soon to be exH that I'd had enough of his snoring, it was affecting my ability to function, and that I would leave if he didn't do something about it (this was after lots and lots of "discussions" about it where he claimed it was me that had a problem with insomnia and I should go to the doctor!).

He did then go to the GP, who referred him to the sleep clinic, where they discovered that he had pretty bad sleep apnea, and couldn't understand how he wasn't falling asleep during the day. He got a CPAP machine, and after a few weeks, admitted that actually yes, he was sleeping a lot better, and maybe yes, his snoring had been a problem.

Annoyingly, the consultant had told him that telling people with sleep apnea to "just lose weight" didn't really work (from a psychological perspective), which he took to mean that his weight wasn't an issue at all, and he didn't need to do anything about it. So his weight went up, and the snoring started back again, although not nearly as bad as before. He was very resentful of me "making" him sort it out in the first place, and "nagging" him about cleaning all the different bits (so he wasn't breathing in gunky stuff all night), and while it wasn't the cause of us splitting up, his attitude to it all certainly didn't help.

CPAP machine?

His attitude is disgusting.

1. Lose weight
2. Sound proof walls and floors
3. After intimate time, move to another room for the rest of the night
4. Ear plugs and listen to white noise/rain music

OP you have my complete empathy. I nearly divorced mine. We went into counselling when he was telling everyone how selfish I was for using this as a reason. I read him the United Nations policy on sleep deprivation as a form of torture. I played recordings of his snoring. I compared things of equal decibel levels - which included a sound-proof church fined for one again repeatedly exceeding noise pollution laws when playing gospel music and rock bands, banned Fisher-Price toys, Boeings taking off during cold weather, etc... I also pointed out the detrimental effect it was having on his health AND mine and that it had the potential to deprive our kids of one or both parents. And he dared to call ME fucking selfish!!!

Only then would he consent to having a sleep study done, and he was gobsmacked to discover that he has an average of 36 episodes of sleep apnoea per hour. So stops breathing more than once every two minutes. I have told him that if he doesn’t wear his fucking mask, he will stop breathing permanently (when the pillow is held over his face.)

Btw, he isn’t overweight - he works in professional sport. He just had a floppy soft palette. And an over-it wife.

CPAP machines are expensive but amazing. My XH got one and it absolutely stopped the snoring.

This is awful and you'd definitely be reasonable to tell him you'll leave if he doesn't sort it out. He finds it funny to torture you. What a fucker!

My DP spent 3 nights in a sleep lab, discovered how awful it was and got a CPAP machine (around 1k so not cheap!) just so we could sleep together. And it's now almost silence all night long with the occasional cold breeze on my face if he moves.
If my DP had been an asshole about it or found it funny rather than feeling guilty about it, I'd have left.

Yep, I'd leave someone who thought it was 'funny' that my sleep, my health and my lifestyle was being so horribly disrupted and that I was miserable as a result.

Apologies - haven't read full thread so if someone has already mentioned....

Has your DH been assessed for sleep apnoea? It's not just snoring, there's a raft of other symptoms that go along side, eg heart problems, concentration. It's serious enough that if you have untreated sleep apnoea you can loose your HGV licence. The good news is the treatment is to wear a positive pressure mask at night. so no operation. Ask GP for referral to a sleep apnoea specialist. In the meantime - loosing weight, avoiding alcohol in the evenings and singing are all helpful in reducing snoring. Yes - I said singing - firms up the throat muscles apparently.

Failing that - ask him to leave. Lack of sleep is torture

This won't solve the real.isuue here , your dh lack of concern, but could decent sofa bed be a short term solution until your loft is sorted.

Most sofa beds don't work well as either sofas or beds, you ( or rather your dh) will need one with a real mattress.

These are not cheap but a lot less than an extension / moving and can always be sold on in the future.

Clei.co.uk

Or could one of these be an option?

Studybed.co.uk

(Sorry can't seem.to make links on my phone)

I feel your pain my exh made light of my sleep deprivation, his lack.of care was a driving factor in the divorce.

My DH had the dangly bit at the back of his throat removed and throat surgery, to stop the snoring. He was in agony with it afterwards but I threatened to leave him if he didn't sort it. I was serious too, at least with a baby you know the lack of sleep will eventually get better. I've never known sleep deprivation like having to live with an extreme snorer. Honestly, I could sleep downstairs and he'd still wake me.

You say he's a good man and yet he is deliberately torturing you, how can you reconcile these two things?

Several of you recount ending up on the sofa. I think as it's due to the snorers, they should be the ones sleeping on the sofa.

OP I feel your pain and in exactly the same situation as you re: snoring/no spare bedroom etc.

I refuse to sleep on the sofa, but do find if I get to sleep first it’s better. The problem is he is tireder than me and drops off at the drop of a hat. I take a bit longer. The other thing is that if I say I’m going to bed earlier, he always does too, so I can’t get in there first. It’s worse after alcohol, but it doesn’t make him give up. I think he thinks it’s a bit of a joke tbh.

I find pinching his nose helps until he wakes up, or if that fails a sharp pinch on the backside. It shocks him into waking up and stops for a bit!

I'm so glad I live alone, it's bad enough coping with my own sleep issues without having to also work around someone else's noisy habits😳

My relationship broke down because of ex snoring. You have my sympathy OP

Oh I feel for you OP. Myself and DH slept in seperate bedrooms for years because of his snoring. He was diagnosed with sleep apnoea (not overweight and played football at a high level). The consultant did say there was an operation but it would be painful and the results may not be great so we didn't go for that. DH is on a CPAP machine now for his apnoea. We are back in the same bed and the only time he will snore is if he takes his mask of during the night or falls asleep without it on.

I don't blame him for not wanting to have an operation, but he's completely out of order to dismiss and minimise the damage to you caused by sleep deprivation
His health issues are damaging your health and he doesn't care about that, this is the root problem.

sleep is a paramount fundamental need, without proper sleep you cannot function optimally you deserve to have proper sleep OP

OP I lived with this for over 20 years. I’m not exaggerating when I say our neighbours complained. We couldn’t go on holiday because we couldn’t afford separate apartments. One year we tried and both my son and I couldn’t sleep so we forced him to sleep outside on the balcony (it was in a hot country). Next morning we heard people all around us discussing the snoring and how it had kept them awake and they were all going to complain. I was a zombie. Sleep deprived and couldn’t function. I had children to raise and a job to hold down. It wasn’t doable! He refused to get help until I snapped and packed my bags. only then did he go to the doctors who sent him to the sleep clinic. He was diagnosed with severe sleep apnoea to the point it was affecting his heart. He would fall asleep whilst driving! He was given a CPAP machine. It changed all of our lives! We eventually split and this was part of the reason. Although he eventually got help, I suffered for 20 years (the sleep deprivation changed me, I suffered mentally) and he didn’t care about the impact it was having on me and our kids until it affected him by me threatening to leave. It was too little too late. I could never live with a snorer again. OP, I personally would leave if he refused to have the operation. It may not be his fault but you cannot put your health at risk. His health is not more important than yours. I look back and can’t believe I put up with it for so long!.

I'm another one who's marriage is pretty much over because of DHs snoring and his refusal to even acknowledge it as being serious. I have slept in my own room now for a few years and my well being has been transformed. Our marriage hasn't however as he thinks that I am being a bitch and it's nothing to do with his snoring . Make him leave or go see a counsellor. I suspect he"ll take it more seriously if you talk about it in front of someone else.