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Original poster

To ask husband to leave because of his snoring?

176 replies

Rainbowsparkle · 08/10/2020 21:46

We have been together a long time. He has always snored but last 5-6 years it has got progressively worse to the point if he goes to sleep first I can’t sleep. I work full time as well as having 2 children. I’m surviving on 3-4 hours sleep a night. He has been to ent specialist and sleep clinic and requires an operation but he won’t have it done as he doesn’t see why he should have an operation. I am tired all of the time. Kids used to be able to sleep through it but got to the point he now wakes them up. My family thought I was exaggerating until we shared a house on holiday a couple of years ago and they all complained about it. We no longer sleep in the same bed as I end up on the sofa. My back constantly hurts because of this.
He can see the effect it’s having on me and still won’t have the op. I love him but I can’t live like this anymore and if he’s not prepared to do something about it I can’t see any other option.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 10/10/2020 01:09

You should have left the kids with him to keep the bastard awake. (Strict orders to do so)

I went to Pilates this morning and one of the women was talking about how she was exhausted because her DH kept her awake snoring all night too. I mentioned the United Nations sleep deprivation = torture thing. She wrote it all down. She’s at the end of her tether and it’s only year three for her. She couldn’t believe how I lasted 17. Me either, in retrospect. I am going through menopause and was tossing and turning last night and he mentioned that I disturbed his sleep a couple of times. I gave him “the look” and said that he was not in a position to complain about disturbed sleep for another 16 years and 364 days.

popsydoodle4444 · 10/10/2020 01:34

Thé thing that really gets me about your husband is him knowing his snoring affects his children.

As a parent how is he not banging down the hospital's doors to get booked in for that operation?.

Babyroobs · 10/10/2020 01:47

We have had the same problem for years. My dh needs an operation to re-align his jaw but it's too risky as he is quite severely asthmatic. He has tried mouth guards etc. For as long as I can remember we have had to sleep separately. We have 4 kids and for may years he would just go on the sofa when it got too bad but fortunately now our eldest is at Uni so for most of term time, dh goes in our eldest son's room. It is horrible because it doesn't feel natural to sleep apart but to be honest , s both getting a decent nights sleep is priority.

Inarightpickleandpreserve · 10/10/2020 01:59

This was something that made me see how selfish ex is. He absolutely thought it was my problem because he couldn’t help it. I used to dread hotels, holidays, going as a family to my mums his mums. I knew all night of no sleep was coming, on holiday the prospect of 2 weeks was hideous.
His refusal to listen to me and feel like we need to work together and total lack of I’m sorry let’s see what we can do because I want to sleep soundly next to my wife went on for years.
He showed me how much he valued me and it unravel from there.
So YANBU

Inarightpickleandpreserve · 10/10/2020 02:03

Oh he’s with a new partner now, has been to sleep clinic stayed overnight at a hospital, got things for his mouth for sleep, got an operation booked to remove something in his tonsils and straighten his septum, £8k private.

It’s clear that when you want to make change your can

KatherineJaneway · 10/10/2020 06:53

It’s clear that when you want to make change your can

Agree

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/10/2020 07:43

I agree with others that the attitude is more of a problem than the snoring. Would he even consider losing weight to help?

I really wouldn't judge you for leaving. Severe sleep deprivation will make you ill. What's the point of a partner who makes you ill, won't do anything to fix it, lets you sleep on the sofa when he won't do it because it causes him the same problem it causes you and thinks the whole thing is a joke?

Decent sofa bed in the meantime (some good, inexpensive ones at Argos) but as before, the attitude is the bigger problem.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/10/2020 08:59

@KatyKeene The OP's DH won't be covered with private insurance for this as it's a pre-existing condition.

@Rainbowsparkle I have not read every single post but does he understand the health risks of his condition? Is he afraid of an operation?

My late dad was a snorer and from their 50s onwards him and mum had separate bedrooms.

When I stayed with them as ad adult I could hear dad snoring through two walls and it woke me.

You have my sympathy.

I think the issue is your H's selfishness but also his inability to be an 'adult' and deal with his health (inc drinking and being overweight.)

JinglingHellsBells · 10/10/2020 09:02

Is this an avenue you could explore a health insurance policy for your family with Bupa or Aviva - most don’t require a medical. @KatyKeene They ask for any conditions you need to declare and can ask to see GP records - it's not as black and white as you make out.

differentnameforthis · 10/10/2020 09:42

@SandyY2K

Wouldn't buying a house with an additional bedroom be better than ending your marriage? Unless there are other issues you're not happy about.
It's not just the snoring though, is it? I get that he is scared and no one should be pushed to have an op they don't want/is scared of but...

he thinks it's funny
he's not prepared to me the one to change his sleeping habits (i.e. the sofa) because it "hurts his back"
he doesn't care that his family is suffering

it’s his attitude towards rectifying it that is really making me dislike him.

Exactly! My H is like this... it doesn't bother him because he is asleep, therefore I am the one with the problem and it's up to me to solve, even though our eldest now shuts her door each night. I have tried ear plugs, and while they do work quite effectively, it actually vibrates through the bed!! I can't escape it. His is due to being overweight, and drinking too much.

If I complain to him, I get told I snore too...

This isn't the reason I am leaving him soon, but I will be bloody glad not have to hear it night in night out.

Ear plugs and listen to white noise/rain music I don't know about OP, but I don't want wear ear plugs and/or listen to white noise every.damn.night.

RandomMess · 10/10/2020 10:46

I used to wear ear plugs but tbh after a few hours I found them too uncomfortable despite trying different sizes and types.

I can't imagine anyone that snore that badly is getting a decent sleep themselves, DH used to wake himself up sometimes 🙄

Original poster
Rainbowsparkle · 10/10/2020 20:40

I had the best sleep last night. I woke up at 9:30. I couldn’t tell you the last time I woke up that time I get up early for work and when I’m off I am normally up early because of his snoring. I feel much better in myself.
I’ve told him today that I’ve made an appointment for him to go back to gp. He gets his snoring sorted or he leaves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowsparkle · 10/10/2020 20:40

And in the meantime I’ve told him that once a week I’ll be staying at my mums to catch up on my sleep. I’m not going to keep being exhausted

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 10/10/2020 21:16

I would suggest he insists on a sleep study when he sees the GP. Then at least you will know if you are dealing with sleep apnea or just commonal garden snoring. If its sleep apnea the risks of leaving that untreated (strokes, heart disease, weight gain, diabetes) should be enough to get him to agree to a cpap machine. If its not sleep apnea, you can think again about options.

KatherineJaneway · 11/10/2020 07:56

Good for you OP 👍

differentnameforthis · 11/10/2020 08:50

@Rainbowsparkle

I had the best sleep last night. I woke up at 9:30. I couldn’t tell you the last time I woke up that time I get up early for work and when I’m off I am normally up early because of his snoring. I feel much better in myself. I’ve told him today that I’ve made an appointment for him to go back to gp. He gets his snoring sorted or he leaves.
I ended up on the sofa.. again! Sad SO tired.

I am glad you got some sleep.

3rdNamechange · 11/10/2020 09:19

It is torture , we have separate rooms now.
I'm glad you got a good nights sleep. However , make him go next time, why should you and the kids have to leave for the night ? Hope he comes to his senses, but as others have said, the attitude would make me bloody angry.

Babyroobs · 11/10/2020 14:17

@Inarightpickleandpreserve

This was something that made me see how selfish ex is. He absolutely thought it was my problem because he couldn’t help it. I used to dread hotels, holidays, going as a family to my mums his mums. I knew all night of no sleep was coming, on holiday the prospect of 2 weeks was hideous. His refusal to listen to me and feel like we need to work together and total lack of I’m sorry let’s see what we can do because I want to sleep soundly next to my wife went on for years. He showed me how much he valued me and it unravel from there. So YANBU
I came to dread holidays because of my husband's snoring .there have been foreign holidays where I've gone and slept on a sunlonger outside the patio doors of the hotel room just to try and get some sleep !
getsomehelp · 11/10/2020 19:58

My H has a cpap machine now he snores as per OPs H, he's actually pretty much carbon copy of OPs H, including, its not his fault, I also snore.
the problem is partially solved with the machine, except it hisses, sometimes it comes off & its lucking a fucking rocket taking off. or H takes it off as he decides its easier....
I am currently on my own in a hotel room ( away for another reason... ) My God its luxury having a whole night's sleep.

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/10/2020 20:09

Glad you got some good sleep. Will your husband think there's no problem if you disappear one night a week? His horrible attitude remains and can you really survive on one decent night a week?

Original poster
Rainbowsparkle · 11/10/2020 21:12

When I said I’d be staying in a hotel straight away got accused of seeing someone else. Which is why I’ve changed it to my mums. Chance would be a fine thing I’m too bloody tired 🙈

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/10/2020 21:15

Are you taking the DC with you so they can sleep too or is he being rewarded for keeping you awake most of the night...

heartlikepaper · 11/10/2020 21:47

I feel your pain OP, I went through it and the sleep deprivation nearly drove me insane. His snoring was alcohol related and he wouldn't take either issue seriously, in how they were affecting me. i put up with it for years, he's a good man otherwise, but we seperated in the end :(

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/10/2020 21:51

@Rainbowsparkle

When I said I’d be staying in a hotel straight away got accused of seeing someone else. Which is why I’ve changed it to my mums. Chance would be a fine thing I’m too bloody tired 🙈
There's a lot more going on than just his disregard for your sleep. But no good husband would have such disregard
SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 11/10/2020 22:00

He actually thought you were going to take your DCs with you when you went off to see your fictional OM!? I'd be pretty insulted at that actually.

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