To ask husband to leave because of his snoring?

[Rainbowsparkle]

We have been together a long time. He has always snored but last 5-6 years it has got progressively worse to the point if he goes to sleep first I can’t sleep. I work full time as well as having 2 children. I’m surviving on 3-4 hours sleep a night. He has been to ent specialist and sleep clinic and requires an operation but he won’t have it done as he doesn’t see why he should have an operation. I am tired all of the time. Kids used to be able to sleep through it but got to the point he now wakes them up. My family thought I was exaggerating until we shared a house on holiday a couple of years ago and they all complained about it. We no longer sleep in the same bed as I end up on the sofa. My back constantly hurts because of this.
He can see the effect it’s having on me and still won’t have the op. I love him but I can’t live like this anymore and if he’s not prepared to do something about it I can’t see any other option.

[quote LunchBoxPolice]@drspouse can’t you have an operation?[/quote]
I don't think there's actually anything wrong and the NHS says this about operations

"Surgery for snoring
Surgery is sometimes used to treat snoring if other treatments do not help.

But it's not widely available on the NHS, it does not always work and snoring can come back afterwards."

So it doesn't sound like the answer for the OP either TBH.

His attitude is awful.

For me it would be a deal breaker operation or divorce.

Dear @Rainbowsparkle

I sympathise with your problem.

My son is 18 now when he was only 15 in year and only year 10 at school his snoring was disturbing everyone. We saw the GP and requested an ENT specialist referral through our health insurance where we learned if he had his tonsils and adenoids removed - the snoring would stop / quiet down / lessen. We were also advised to try and help him keep his weight appropriate to his height by then he was 5ft10 - he’s now over six foot at 18.

We had the procedure and all was fine. They obviously put him to sleep. A few day’s of soft food and ice cream and he was fine with a course of antibiotics to ward off infection. We had health insurance and he had the surgery in a private hospital.

He felt like a VIP - own hospital room lots of fuss being made of him clean, tidy room felt like day at a hotel wifi etc. It was a day procedure went in at 7/8am and they kept him in to observe until 7/8 pm.

They treated him well and obviously the hospital was clean and welcoming and nicer than an NHS hospital. Care levels are good in our lovely NHS - However the decline in investment from government and devaluing of doctors and nursing our once World class NHS has suffered.

The snoring is silent he doesn’t disturb anyone anymore.

I had a c section 18 years ago - they kept me in 5 days allocated me a breastfeeding nurse. Today they’d observe you for 24 hours and you are asked to leave even if you don’t feel well. Then you are at the mercy of health visitors some of whom love their job - care level is kind and empathetic and others who hate their job - so you are left alone with no real help.

Is this an avenue you could explore a health insurance policy for your family with Bupa or Aviva - most don’t require a medical. The insurance is a worthy investment for access to specialists because NHS waiting lists are long. If it’s only affordable for one just get it for him for now!

Or just enquire how much this procedure will cost!!

Investing in health insurance is good value for money - however can be expensive and unaffordable for young families. All about sacrifice and compromise perhaps assign this years / next years holiday budget for the procedure.

As to his fears a good doctor will reassure him and perhaps a little research and contact with patients who had have had this procedure is the first logical next step.

Family life is full of compromise and sacrifices - surely he wouldn’t lose you over the fear of something unknown. Does he have any underlying conditions, heart problem, kidney, liver issues, diabetes - It would be understandable in those cases where patients are higher risk - however even these patients have to go under anaesthetic for their life saving operations.

Even the healthiest of patients carry risk - for unknown conditions.

I hope you resolve your issue with calm frank and informed discussion and research. Losing you and his family over this - is stupid - Sleep - Good restful comfortable sleep is a necessity a human need and right it’s not a luxury. Sleep is so important. Affects your day, mood, attention, and critical decision making.

Sincerely hoping you find your solution. Perhaps family can help with the expense.

ilikemethewayiam
He was completely off the charts 😲
Unfathomable that he doesn't care about the impact on other people😳
(do you know what happened to him, this sounds like quite a severe medical issue)

My partner snores and goes through weeks which are worse than others. I use a sleep app to drown it out but when it's really bad I put one of the kids in bed with him and sleep in their bed (they sleep through it) going to get both kids bunk beds so I've got a bed to sleep in. he doesn't like that I want to sleep separate but it's his own fault for refusing to do anything about it

My dh snored like a pneumatic drill. He went to the sleep clinic and was diagnosed with sleep aponea and now uses a CPAP machine and doesn't snore at a. His brother also has it and had an operation on his throat which helped, but isn't as good as the machine. Could your dh ask is CPAP could be used instead of the op?

I just want to add that my husband knew that his snoring was a problem. EVERYONE told him. He just didn’t want to wear a mask because he didn’t think it was sexy. (Because snoring fucking is?) I broke down many times, but after 17 years, I couldn’t take it any more. I was genuinely over the selfishness - especially as he didn’t want me sleeping on the couch. Poor lamb felt rejected, ffs.

It may not be his fault but you cannot put your health at risk. His health is not more important than yours. and your DCs

@Heffalooomia

ilikemethewayiam He was completely off the charts 😲 Unfathomable that he doesn't care about the impact on other people😳 (do you know what happened to him, this sounds like quite a severe medical issue)

@heffalooomia

Yes he was completely off the charts. His father had exactly the same snoring issue but he died in his early 50’s of a heart attack. It’s one of the reasons the doctors took it so seriously as they believe it may have contributed to his fathers death (I have to agree!). The doctor almost berated DH for leaving it so long as it’s life threatening. In his fathers case, Sleep apnoea was unheard of back then so probably went undiagnosed. I’m not in touch with ex at all now but I assume he’s well since I would have heard via my son otherwise. The CPAP machine changed his life. He got full REM sleep from the moment he started using it and lost 3 stone in weight. His personality changed from a lazy, miserable, angry man to an energetic, happier person. The machine was honestly a Godsend for him. I hear of people being refused these machines because of their weight. They are told The snoring will stop when they lose weight. That is total misinformation. The hospital told DH it was nothing to do with weight, although it can exacerbate it. There were skinny men with severe SA at the hospital. It’s a problem with the soft palette. The sufferer has no energy due to lack of sleep to do exercise, so it’s a vicious circle. I feel really sorry for sufferers and their families who don’t get the help they deserve.

I’m the snorer in my relationship and I hate it. Fortunately we don’t live together so I don’t inflict it on my OH every night. I have tried sprays and strips, wedging myself on my side, you name it! If I could have an op that would fix it I would. I hate disturbing people by snoring. It’s not funny, I have been on the receiving end too and it’s horrible.

Other option, play heavy metal through earphones to him all night and see if he can sleep through that! It would give him an idea of what you are coping with

There were skinny men with severe SA at the hospital. It’s a problem with the soft palette. The sufferer has no energy due to lack of sleep to do exercise, so it’s a vicious circle. I feel really sorry for sufferers and their families who don’t get the help they deserve
Thank you for your detailed response ilikeme😊 very interesting and really shows how foundational good sleep is !

He really is super selfish. I'm a massive snorer and although I live alone I'd die for an operation to stop it because my throat hurts every morning and my mouth feels like the bottom of a parrots cage.
I'm waiting for a cpap machine but everythings been delayed because of covid - I fail to understand how anyone can be glad to snore. Sleep apnoea is destroying my health.
Ask him if he wants am operation or a divorce, that should make him decide pretty quick. Selfish bastard.

he won’t have it done as he doesn’t see why he should have an operation

He's a selfish wanker.

So many selfish men mentioned on this thread, including yours OP.

The fact that he thinks it's funny would be the final straw for me.

yet you've gone through the pain of giving birth to give him his children!

I presume the OP wanted to have children herself and they are not a gift to him.

Let's stick to the snoring and his attitude of laughing, which is not good enough, as childbirth is a separate issue altogether.

Thanks for all your responses. Reassuring to know I’m not being a bitch.
He has a soft palate and a deviated septum. Dr said cpap in this instance isn’t the best option.
He is overweight and also likes a drink. ( another thing that causes issues. 🙄 as makes it even worse!)
I have booked myself and kids into a hotel for the night tonight because I am that tired I actually feel ill.
I have enquired about marriage counselling but as you know COVID is delaying everything! This is last chance saloon.
I’ve given him enough chances to get it sorted if he doesn’t then at least I can say I’ve tried everything

@Rainbowsparkle

Do you think you can use the time away to give him time to research - honestly in the right care - it’s a very simple straightforward procedure and helps the person because their quality of sleep is improved and they feel less tired and have that extra energy.

Diet and weight is having an impact - I think this procedure could be the best investment you make as a family. I do hope you can find a way to resolve this and get him to overcome his fear.

My son sleeps better and is more active. He’s younger was easier to convince him.

Enjoy your night away with kids! Perhaps this is the literal wake up call your husband needs…………………

I hope you all sleep well tonight.

Sleep deprivation is used as a means of torture! It's horrific, DH has lost 3 stone and I can no longer hear him from the room above. It's bliss!!

I very much empathise OP whilst I admit there were other issues in my marriage I can absolutely say the snoring was a part of the end. Exdh snoted so loudly the neighbours commented (I absolutely swear that's true). When I had ds2 he refused to stay with me at one point because he was tired and thought he might fall asleep and didn't want to snore in front of others but he refused to go to the doctor to do anything at all about it , or lose weight or give up smoking.

I remember the relief the first night I had on my own , even as a single parent with DC one of which under 18 months it was a relief to get any sleep.

Years later now DP isn't particularly a snore but even at the first hint i get anxious and panicky. In his case i generally roll him gently to his side and it stops (hes very understanding to be honest he knows what causes me to stress about it).

It's the entitled bullshit. I can't help it I'm asleep,yes yes you can go to the doctors , go get some help. I can remember sobbing when ds1 was a baby because I did all the night waking and I would get into bed for my 1.5 hours sleep before the next waking and exdh would start like a chainsaw and be pisse off when I woke him up ignore me , go back to sleep on his back and I would sob in frustration.

His mother snorted the same when we were at hers , they all thought it was hilarious.

@Rainbowsparkle I read your latest post.

Good decisions.

Counselling and then time for an ultimatum I think. Unless there is underlying issues, he is really not taking you and your kids problem with this situation seriously at all. Can't go on forever - it will affect all of your health and happiness. Get it sorted or its over.

To does sound ridiculous to say you're leaving your husband because of his snoring. But I think until you've been in this position it's difficult to understand just how much if affects your life. It isn't just a case of being a bit knackered, it can affect everything your ability to work, concentrate, parent, think, drive, socialise, it'll affect your career, friendships, relationships and your mental health.

This all comes from someone that you love and is supposed to love you. If they then choose to do nothing about it, THATS when it becomes something that you leave over

I have booked myself and kids into a hotel for the night tonight because I am that tired I actually feel ill.

I would feel truly awful if my spouse and kids had to get away because of my snoring.

My DH will occasionally snore loudly. Maybe once every 2/3 months. I move the pillow from under him and that moves his head, so it stops...but now and again it can get bad.

In fact DD asked me recently how I cope with it, as she heard him when he fell asleep on the sofa.

I can't imagine living with that every single night...because the odd occasion is awful. I wanted to blast music in his ears one time...I was so annoyed with it.

I would agree with pps that he probably is also suffering from his snoring. Maybe if he knew that he wouldn't have a sore throat, and be tired, then he'd be more keen. My OH snores badly and is permanently in the spare room which is fine as I also talk in my sleep so works for us both

I broke down and lost my shit screaming at my husband at 2 am (not proud of it but I was exhausted from disrupted sleep from his fucking awful snoring) I woke him up and threatened to leave the relationship if he didn't do SOMETHING. He went and got a sleep study and was scared shitless by how severe his apnea truly was in black and white that he couldn't ignore. His cpap works and we are still together though occasionally when we have power cuts his snoring is god awful (now own a back up generator for such situations)

My DH was a terrible snorer snd, like you, I was in my knees with exhaustion. The difference is, he felt terrible about it and did LOTS of research. After a lot of trial and error we found something that has really, really helped. They're little clips that go in his nose. They look rubbish and I was convinced they wouldn't work, but they're brilliant! They're called Liumy Anti Snore Clip Devices.