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Original poster

To ask husband to leave because of his snoring?

176 replies

Rainbowsparkle · 08/10/2020 21:46

We have been together a long time. He has always snored but last 5-6 years it has got progressively worse to the point if he goes to sleep first I can’t sleep. I work full time as well as having 2 children. I’m surviving on 3-4 hours sleep a night. He has been to ent specialist and sleep clinic and requires an operation but he won’t have it done as he doesn’t see why he should have an operation. I am tired all of the time. Kids used to be able to sleep through it but got to the point he now wakes them up. My family thought I was exaggerating until we shared a house on holiday a couple of years ago and they all complained about it. We no longer sleep in the same bed as I end up on the sofa. My back constantly hurts because of this.
He can see the effect it’s having on me and still won’t have the op. I love him but I can’t live like this anymore and if he’s not prepared to do something about it I can’t see any other option.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 08/10/2020 22:18

OP, that sounds like torture. That level of sleep deprivation is hideous and dangerous. I would be quite literally mad.

If he is scared of the op, well, I sympathise, but to a limited extent. And if he won't even alternate sleeping on the sofa, he's being entirely selfish and unfair. Will the op benefit in other ways as well as reducing snoring? Surely his own breathing and sleep are affected? Doesn't he have a responsibility to look after his health?

user1481840227 · 08/10/2020 22:22

Sleep deprivation is absolute torture so no you wouldn't be unreasonable to split up from him over it.

I don't know if you'll be able to get him to leave though? You might have to leave yourself!

MiniCooperLover · 08/10/2020 22:23

OP does he know that you are close to leaving because he won't do anything about it? I bat does the operation entail! Is it a bad recovery? That's not to be underestimated but what's the prognosis long run, does it make it worth going through?

Wellthatwasashock · 08/10/2020 22:24

My ex was like this. It wasn't even the snoring that bothered me but the entitled attitude that he was entitled to the bed and we'd all have to work around him and find a way of sleeping through it. I left him. I'm like a different person now that I sleep well, haven't had a full 8 hours since meeting him between the snoring and 2 kids (who now sleep through so it was literally the snoring keeping me awake!)

toucancancan · 08/10/2020 22:27

Could you book into a budget hotel room once or twice a week so you can get a decent night's sleep?

TheVanguardSix · 08/10/2020 22:28

Your neighbours must hear it too! It sounds awful. I was about to have a bit of a go at you, OP (living with a snorer myself) but it does sound intolerable, and no, yanbu to consider ending your marriage over this.
He's selfish. He won't do the right thing by all of you because he's 'scared'. That's just absurd. I don't blame you if you feel resentful. Not having good quality sleep for years on end will devastate your health, OP. Don't ruin your health for a man who won't sort his out.

CheshireChat · 08/10/2020 22:37

Hmm, if you don't want to leave him, then wake him upeverytime he disturbs you or the children. I mean if it's funny to put you in this situation, surely it'll be funny if he's disturbed as well. Or it's not funny for anyone and he's a selfish fuckwit.

Blueuggboots · 08/10/2020 22:41

I'm sorry, but his attitude to refuse to do anything about it AND finding it funny would result in a "newly laid patio" in my world!!
Time for an ultimatum OP.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 08/10/2020 22:42

DH snored like a wart hog, for years and years. And in the last 5 years got louder and louder as he put on more weight. I felt for the neighbour as it must have been heard next door, and we didn't go away in caravans or hotel rooms - anywhere his snoring would bother other people at night.

He would be grumpy if I raised it, because in his eyes he couldn't help it. And if I hadn't got to sleep before him I'd really struggle to sleep.

Then he lost several stone and within the first stone weight loss he has stopped snoring. It's like having a different husband and the bitterness I felt to him would definitely had led to us sleeping separately and splitting up or murder.

SPLUGSYMALONE · 08/10/2020 22:49

This weekend ask him to pack his bags and go somewhere else.

Tell him that you and the DC need some decent sleep and if you can't do that with him, you'll need to do it without him.

Say that you'll be spending time this weekend whilst he is not there deciding if you want to stay married to him or not.

Get tough. Don't back down.

Let him realise what he stands to lose and if he still doesn't agree to get the op, then he's too selfish to remain married to.

damnthatanxiety · 08/10/2020 22:49

I know you say he is very soundly asleep but wake him EVERY SINGLE TIME he snores. He will complain and then tell him you are appalled that he is moaning about his sleep being disturbed considering he the entire family awake and thinks you are selfish for demanding he does something about it. EVERY. SINGLE.TIME.

CheshireChat · 08/10/2020 22:50

damnthatanxiety has said it better!

Couchbettato · 08/10/2020 22:56

My husband was like this and I had to tell him his snoring was making me feel stabby. It literally drove me to therapy, because I would either become so enraged through the day at small things or I'd just break down and cry.

For my husband who slept deeply, he didn't see snoring as the issue rather than I must have had some undiagnosed mental disorder. After it got diagnosed as apnea due to a deviated septum and it was rectified I felt like a changed woman and DH didn't need to sleep 12 hours either just to feel like he was getting by.

Fortunategirl · 08/10/2020 23:25

It’s keeping the kids awake? That’s not on is it? They’ve got to do a day at school!! He’s ruining your kids ability to sleep and then concentrate during the day. You’ve got to do something haven’t you

widespreadpanic · 08/10/2020 23:27

The fact that he thinks this is funny would turn me right off of him. Sleep is important and lack of it can drastically affect your quality of life.

Since you can’t afford to upgrade then I would invest in a sleeper sofa and you should each take turn sleeping on it as I don’t think you should always have to sleep on it when it’s HIM that has the problem and refuses to fix it.

sooooo34 · 08/10/2020 23:37

It makes me laugh that he's scared of an operation so won't do it, even though it's causing so many problems. yet you've gone through the pain of giving birth to give him his children!

Opentooffers · 08/10/2020 23:39

If he's that loud, he is likely having sleep apnoea too. Obstructive sleep disorders cause heart disease long term and will shorten his like, make his health suffer and likely cause him to be more tired during the day, so it's really something he should be more keen to sort out as it is bad for him, does he realise this?

Opentooffers · 08/10/2020 23:39

Life, not like

Nannyamc · 08/10/2020 23:41

OMG.thought this was only in our house..DH and 2 sons. Now Ds 1 married..wife constantly complains..shifted DH to his room and Ds2 still sounds life a foghorn..converted attic and moved up..let
DH visit occasionally..they tell me i do it too..refuse to believe it!!!!!

MiddleAgedLurker · 08/10/2020 23:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 08/10/2020 23:48

I couldn't put up with that little sleep potentially forever, so I would end it.

Torvean32 · 09/10/2020 00:02

He's selfish at the end of the day. Anyway you could get the kids to sleep elsewhere? Then set an alarm that wakes him every 2 hours all night, for several nights. See if he gets any empathy and considers the Op. Good luck.

SoulofanAggron · 09/10/2020 00:13

Him being afraid of the op and so choosing not to have it would be fine if he were single with no kids (though I would still find it cowardly and also self-destructive) but he's not.

Him not bothering to do something that would make your life bearable is really infuriating.

I would lay it on the line and say he either has it or you separate.

IndieTara · 09/10/2020 01:59

My ex fiancé was a horrendous snorer. When he stayed at mine I'd often go and sleep on the sofa ( no spare room ) then he'd wake up realise I was gone, then wake me up to come back to bed!

I wanted to stab him it got so bad, I also recorded him and played it back. Hit ear plugs etc but he refused to get help.

I ended it, I couldn't take the sleep deprivation

a00031 · 09/10/2020 02:25

When I was dating my husband and he slept over for the first time, I literally cried while he was sleeping because of the snoring. It's my biggest pet peeve. He had sleep apnea and got a mask and machine. It's amazing! Brown noise is as also amazing...it's a noise blocker. Look up brown noise on YouTube...very helpful

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