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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 08/10/2020 00:44

I bet if they got a cleaner they wouldn’t clean to the exacting standards of the DH and he would still expect OP to make sure everything is clean before he gets home.

If someone has been away for months and the only thing on his mind is if his wife has cleaned the house to his specification and if not they will have to do it as soon as he gets back, and he doesn’t seem to care that he hasn’t seen his wife or DC for months, then I think there is something seriously wrong with the DH’s idea of a relationship.

TitsOutForHarambe · 08/10/2020 00:54

My husband likes the house clean but refuses to clean it himself. We have a cleaner. Problem solved.

The issue isn't that the husband has high cleaning standards. The issue is the way he treats her.

1forAll74 · 08/10/2020 01:56

Good grief, how awful, as in last year, when he MADE you do the cleaning together when he wasn't satisfied, and to keep mentioning the cleaning when he is working away. He obviously has an OCD problem, and needs to address it, as it will always bother you and make you unhappy, not to mention all on edge when he is home.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 01:57

You don't have very good reasons for not getting a cleaner. Maybe you just want to vent about it and then feel a bit put upon by doing it yourself. But why? Just tell him 'Look I have young children. I'll need to get in professional cleaners before you come home if you want it to that standard. It will cost X'.

The end.

blueberrypie0112 · 08/10/2020 02:00

What will happen if you tell him you have done enough?

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/10/2020 02:02

Stop pandering to him, I am sure local hotels will welcome him if would rather stay there instead. He sounds delightful OP, seruouosky

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 02:02

Oh and that might not be the issue but why should the op put up with his whinging and bitching? Get someone else to do that part while he's here and other forms of disrespect can be dealt with outside of that. Getting a cleaner is for her, not him. So she's not spending fucking hours on it. If he's a tosser then she can deal with that. But he can damn well pay for it. It will be a good test as yo whether he wants a clean house or to be a controlling prick. If he says yes fine and pays then he wants a clean house. If not he wants to be a controlling prick. Obviously the op will need to ignore any answer that's not yes and do it anyway. He can then have beans on toast ax dad eill he saving money. Anyway he's probably missed english food.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/10/2020 02:03

Ahhhh posted too soon sorry!
This is your home and your children's, he needs to get over himself ASAP.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 02:06

Bloody apple! As she will be saving money I mean. After she's spent it on a cleaner. And chips. He can have oven chips. If she pretends she did the cleaning she can then play cooking martyr and say there was no time for cooking.

So a clean house she didn't have to clean, not cooking and being able to supply an excellent reason as to why not, and she gets to piss him off with some PA children's food. I call that a result!

user1481840227 · 08/10/2020 02:10

OP, what would you do if when your kids are older you went to visit one of them....a working parent looking after 2 small kids and you saw them on their hands and knees frantically cleaning every nook and cranny in the house for when their partner returned from months abroad.

I think you'd be devastated.
This isn't right at all!!

GarlicSoup · 08/10/2020 02:14

He’s a controlling arse LTB

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/10/2020 02:26

"I am not your housekeeper, come home to (what you consider) a shit hole and a happy family, or dont come home. Your choice. I am now at the point where I no longer give a shit either way".

Inkpaperstars · 08/10/2020 02:30

A very neat summary Pyongyang

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 02:32

Had deja vu reading this! Your last post was like this...almost word for word!

OP...this is very sad. You don’t seem to want to leave him and it’s good to vent about your emotions. But I’m sad for you knowing that I’ll probably see nearly this exact same post some time next year.

Pixxie7 · 08/10/2020 02:49

I would go away and leave him to it for a week see how he copes.

ulanbatorismynextstop · 08/10/2020 04:01

You are not compatible. LTB!

OutOntheTilez · 08/10/2020 04:21

This:

If someone has been away for months and the only thing on his mind is if his wife has cleaned the house to his specification and if not they will have to do it as soon as he gets back, and he doesn’t seem to care that he hasn’t seen his wife or DC for months, then I think there is something seriously wrong with the DH’s idea of a relationship.

and this:

"I am not your housekeeper, come home to (what you consider) a shit hole and a happy family, or dont come home. Your choice. I am now at the point where I no longer give a shit either way".

Well said.

timeisnotaline · 08/10/2020 04:47

There’s no way a standard cleaner will be doing all the things he expects done.

Original poster
Goodbadanduglyyyy · 08/10/2020 05:37

Yes it was me who has posted before. On a few occasions he would send me a tick list on the notes app and once he asked me to send photos or what I had cleaned, that’s when he fell out

A couple of people have mentioned how they have/had clean obsessed partners/husbands and it made them feel like they weren’t doing a good enough job/useless and that’s exactly my feeling

I’m sorry if I’ve posted before and had the same replies. I have nobody I can talk to about this in real life and I’m at breaking point. I don’t even feel like I was at breaking point at my past post.

@timeisnotaline agreed. I would end up having to pay a cleaner to do a job that wouldn’t be to his standard.

We have a big 4 bed, 3 bath house so it’s not as if it’s a small job.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/10/2020 05:44

May I ask what did you do about the tick lists?

Did you send the photos?

ApolloandDaphne · 08/10/2020 05:54

I remember you from before too. How long will he be home before he goes away again? I think I would be telling him that if he wants the house cleaned to his standards while he is home he can do it himself when he gets back. You have enough on your plate without adding the stress of having to get the house to his stupid and unrealistic standards.

isthismylifenow · 08/10/2020 05:56

It's not ocd. It's control.

He is giving you things to do while he is away so that he knows what you are doing all the time. And having to send back evidence so that he is sure you were at home and not out having a good time without him.

Original poster
Goodbadanduglyyyy · 08/10/2020 06:06

I ticked off the lists once I had done each thing, stupidly.

I took photos once I think, and when he asked a second time that’s when I lost it with him. He’s home for around 8 weeks then that will be him away over Christmas and new year and won’t be home until mid January I think.

I barely slept last night, 1 with the stress of things and 2 my youngest ended up coming in beside me. Today I have to do the school/nursery run, go to work, finish work and get the kids then homework/bath etc and all I’m thinking about is the pressure of having this extra cleaning jobs to do. I know I don’t have to do them as a lot of people have pointed out. It’s just hard to break the cycle

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 08/10/2020 06:17

@Goodbadanduglyyyy

Sorry for the delay in replying, I didn’t expect so many replies.

I am from the UK as someone has asked.

If the kids make a mess he just tidies it up straight away. He’s not one of those who doesn’t tidy, he will do his fair share.

I texted him about half an hour ago and told him I was cleaning the bathroom and that I’m exhausted with work, kids and cleaning and his reply was “I’m very thankful for your efforts il make it worth your while”, I have no idea what he means by that. I replied and said, next time your due to come home il arrange a cleaner and he replied “my mum has offered to help you, she sees how busy you are”. I’m not responding, I don’t know what to say. His mother is very much like him when it comes to cleaning, obsessive

I think in your post about him being like his mum, do you want your kids up end up the same?

I think it's time to put your foot down. You cannot have a show home with young kids! Spend time with them and let him clean! You can do it, you are strong, say no to him.

mathanxiety · 08/10/2020 06:22

It's ok to break the cycle. Give yourself permission.

Remind yourself that you are a fully grown woman living in your own home, not the poorly-trained help.

He wants to make sure you don't get the idea that you can do as you please when he is away. He wants you to remember who is in charge. This is a power trip for him.

If you want this treatment to continue, you can keep on being obedient, giving him the satisfaction he craves. The cycle depends on you playing your role as much as it depends on him playing his. The only part of this dynamic that you can control is you.

His craving for affirmation of his status can never be completely satisfied. Your efforts are never going to be 'enough'. He is always going to make you feel that you have failed, that you are incompetent.

What is the worst thing that could happen if he were to come home, look around, and see the house not clean enough?

How have you dealt with his sulking in the past?

How have you felt deep inside on the occasions when he has found fault?

Ask yourself why you might be afraid to shake things up.