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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
MoonJelly · 07/10/2020 23:15

You don't love him, you're dreading him coming home, he's more interested in how clean the house is than the welfare of his wife and children. Time for a major rethink?

gg12346 · 07/10/2020 23:18

Why dont you pay for the cleaner and get it done OP .You are already hands full with your work and 2 kids .What a shame .Ask him to get a cleaner or clean the house himself .

UniversalAunt · 07/10/2020 23:21

Take notes.
Take photos of the home clean to your standard before he arrives.
Take photos after he arrives of the home once it is clean to standard.
Take notes of how long it took to do the extra cleaning.
Take notes of his comments & the discussion of what you think is fair.
Note his reactions & sulks.

Go see family law solicitor to take advice about divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Prolly you will get an advice session at little or no charge - you will be a) seeing your situation through the eyes of a reasonable person & b) will understand your rights.

neveradullmoment99 · 07/10/2020 23:23

@Goodbadanduglyyyy

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

Say yes, because you have left and are never coming back. What an absolute prick.
gluteustothemaximus · 07/10/2020 23:29

The answer isn't to get a cleaner. Why try to appease this man?

all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else

Yeah, that makes it sounds so reasonable doesn't it?

I had a clean obsessed 'partner'. It was abusive. Made me feel like I was never good enough, never did anything right, couldn't even clean properly what sort of a woman was I? It wasn't the only thing he was abusive with. Look a little deeper.

Get out. And don't look back. There is a happier life out there for you. No one should dread their husband coming home.

Flowers
tenlittlecygnets · 07/10/2020 23:29

It's not OCD!!

He's a selfish, abusive twat.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/10/2020 23:30

No it’s not I’m afraid-I’m working and being a single parent to our two children whilst you swan off with zero responsibilities. It’s as clean and tidy as I am going to do it and if you want it like anything else you can do it yourself-the children and I will get out of your way and go have a day out. Cheers pet !

CityCommuter · 07/10/2020 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Giraffey1 · 07/10/2020 23:32

His desire for such cleanliness is not normal.
Don’t pander to him. When he mentions it, tell him his demands are not reasonable. You aren’t his slave! Tell him he has issues that need addressing.

He ‘made you both do it’? What? How? Just say no. Repeat that he is being unreasonable . If necessary, take your dc out for walk / visit so. Tell him you will not be spoken to /treated like that.

pallisers · 07/10/2020 23:32

He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

he comes back from 4 months away from you and this is what he thinks is suitable activity for the day after? for real?? He is the least sexually attractive dh I have read about on here for a good while.

TitsOutForHarambe · 07/10/2020 23:34

This is ridiculous.

I understand not wanting to come home to a total shit tip, but you have to let these things slide when you both work fulltime and have young kids, and from what you've said it doesnt sound like the place is a shit tip anyway. You say it's clean, just not "his clean".

I am a SAHM with a baby and a toddler, so don't even have to go to work as you do, and if my husband spoke to me about the cleaning the way that yours has done here I would be telling him to fuck off and find somewhere else to stay while he's back from work.

If I were you I would hire a cleaner for him returning home today to get him off your back temporarily, and then tomorrow tell him you've changed your mind about that hair appt and go and see a lawyer. He's a controlling, manipulative prick and you don't need to put up with it.

BrigitsBigKnickers · 07/10/2020 23:39

Jeez- what a tool...
Change the locks and put your feet up!

Cauterize · 07/10/2020 23:40

The fact that he says 'he's going to make it worth your while' would suggest that he also thinks a full on shag fest is on the cards when he returns home........

He really does sound repulsive and beyond entitled. I honestly think you should just give it to him straight and say 'look, the house hasn't been scrubbed and polished from top to bottom, that is not the way I live and i'm not a maid. If you don't like it then I suggest you go and stay with your mother, because i'm not wiling to put up with sulking upon your return'

mathanxiety · 07/10/2020 23:40

I had a clean obsessed 'partner'. It was abusive. Made me feel like I was never good enough, never did anything right, couldn't even clean properly what sort of a woman was I? It wasn't the only thing he was abusive with. Look a little deeper.

I had one too. YYY to this being part of a pattern gluteustothemaximus.

I went to various apartments of exH's a few times after we divorced, when he invited me for reasons I still don't understand to have dinner on weekends when he had the DCs.

The first thing that always hit me when I entered every place he ever lived in was a strange smell, like a roasting pan left for weeks unwashed under the sink, mingled with dog smell. Rancid fat? Wet dogs? Looking around while sitting in every dining room, I saw no evidence of recent cleaning, ever.

I suspect your H doesn't actually care about how clean your house is.

My exH had a clean house-obsessed mother too. He was all sorts of fucked up.

Janus · 07/10/2020 23:41

I’m sure I remember a post very like this - @Goodbadanduglyyyy didn’t he last fine ask you to send regular photos to show ‘progress on cleaning’? If you are the same poster it was unanimous that he was being unreasonable but maybe there are two posters in this position??

Blavatskyite · 07/10/2020 23:51

Tell him to go fuck himself with the Shake ‘n Vac?

cansu · 07/10/2020 23:52

Have you thought about telling him what you think of all this shit? Why not tell him that you do not see this as essential and that you won't be doing this anymore as it is exhausting and stressful. Then stop doing it.

DishingOutDone · 07/10/2020 23:56

You've posted before, you got the same advice. Everyone sympathises, sounds like your husband is controlling - why do you want to live like this? Just post here every time he comes home, get the same advice, rinse and repeat?!

FFSFFSFFS · 08/10/2020 00:00

I remember your post from before. He's fucking horrible. Work on your own self esteem and tell him that he knows where the cleaning stuff is and he is more than welcome.

If he's away all the time anyway why not just get rid?

user1471565182 · 08/10/2020 00:05

I really dont understand the great significance of OP having posted before?

SkiingIsHeaven · 08/10/2020 00:06

I feel very sorry for you. That is no way to live.

Do not let his mum help clean it is a massive invasion of your privacy.

You will just have to reiterate that you are doing your best and that it is not always easy with the kids, work etc.

If he sulks that is his problem. Take the kids out and have fun leaving him behind. He will be the one missing out.

Good luck.

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you but he will never change.

BrummyMum1 · 08/10/2020 00:10

My husband likes the house clean but refuses to clean it himself. We have a cleaner. Problem solved.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/10/2020 00:15

Do not get a cleaner, unless it is because you want one and not to make the house be clean to his exacting (obsessive standards) and don't let his mother do it either.

If he doesn't like it he can clean it, but why would he want to spend hours cleaning after he has been away for so long , rather than spending time with you and the DC. He is getting his priorities all wrong.

Blavatskyite · 08/10/2020 00:16

@user1471565182

I really dont understand the great significance of OP having posted before?
She will have had identical advice last time.
VinylDetective · 08/10/2020 00:22

@BrummyMum1

My husband likes the house clean but refuses to clean it himself. We have a cleaner. Problem solved.
Exactly. But that’s far too easy for the section of MN that loves to egg people on to end their marriages. I don’t know what they get out of it.