I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

I remember your last thread too

You are being abused but you do nothing to stop the abuse

You need to divorce/leave the abuse but you don't and imo you never will

So - the situation will never change and in a few months you'll be posting the same things again

So very very sad for your children to have this situation as a role model for their relationship futures

If this is his only fault and you have an otherwise amazing relationship I'd get a regular cleaner who does a deep clean the day before he gets back, but I suspect there's more?!

Why can’t you just say no? Or at the very least, don’t reply to texts referring to cleaning.

I do think you need to recognise that he is controlling you and you are the only one who can put a stop to this.

@Goodbadanduglyyyy

I ticked off the lists once I had done each thing, stupidly.

I took photos once I think, and when he asked a second time that’s when I lost it with him. He’s home for around 8 weeks then that will be him away over Christmas and new year and won’t be home until mid January I think.

I barely slept last night, 1 with the stress of things and 2 my youngest ended up coming in beside me. Today I have to do the school/nursery run, go to work, finish work and get the kids then homework/bath etc and all I’m thinking about is the pressure of having this extra cleaning jobs to do. I know I don’t have to do them as a lot of people have pointed out. It’s just hard to break the cycle

Of course it's not easy to break a cycle of abuse, coercive control.

You poor woman.

Why are people still blaming op for being in a coercive relationship?
"Just say no? Why are you pandering etc?" This is not helpful.

I remember your previous post and being horrified by the tick list. OP this man is bullying you. Instead of being excited to see him after months apart, you're lying awake at night worrying about his reaction - can't you see that's not even a little bit normal in a loving relationship? Did you cancel your hair appointment? You NEED to woman up here. He's trampling all over you and you're letting him. You deserve better and I hope you find the self worth to get rid of the horrible bully, or at the very least stop kowtowing to his demands. And for the love of god re-book that hair appointment!

I meant to add on to my previous post about him giving you things to do while he is away. Mathanxiety said what I was wanting to say, so that he has the upper hand even from a distance away.

I do not know if working away for long periods like this contributes to this behaviour, as my exdp worked away for long periods, and I am quite sure this is part of why he was so insecure about what I was doing all the time. I did end it with him as I couldn't take it any more, always having to answer to and explain myself. He wanted to be part of every aspect of my day to day life, but it is impossible when he is in a different time zone and 1000s of miles away.

Is he insecure generally? Does he get upset if you don't reply to him straight away for an example. If you said you were going out with friends on a night out, what would his response be to that?

So he has forewarning now that you aren't going to have the house spick and span when he gets home, and so stick with that. I think he thinks although you said that, when he gets back it will be pristine as it usually is. Because it is expected.

There's two of you in this relationship.

One wants it extremely clean, the other wants it normally clean.

The one who wants it extremely clean will have to do the work for it.

What shouldn't happen is one person being forced to serve the other. This is what's happening to you.

What is it you're afraid of will happen? if you say: sorry, but this isn't working for me. I’ve got a problem with being told how I must clean. If you want it that clean, you'll have to do it yourself, what's the worst that might happen?

You mentioned his sulking and I wondered what he does to sulk? Because I'm concerned that even if you cleaned to his standard we'd find he sulks over something else instead, if sulking is a power over you.

And I'm also wondering if, when he sulks, you are able to call him out over it.

Sounds like you're wanting him to change but I think your only chance for change is with you. If you change then he will have to as well. If you change enough to say: no, that's not what I want for my life and it's detrimental to my health and well-being to even try, then he's forced to change isn't it? Because you've said no I'm not doing it anymore. But you need to make the first move here.

He can clean it himself, or hire a cleaner and you can literally speak no more of it, or he can get therapy. This IS A Problem, and he has to pick a solution.

I agree with this. I wouldn’t put up with being treated the way he’s treating you. Apart from anything else, he doesn’t seem to realise that the best way to have a clean, tidy house is not to have any kids living in it....

My DP has been away since March and arriving home today and I mentioned on the phone that I would be cleaning this morning to make sure its extra nice for him coming home and he says dont bother you do what you usually do it doesn't matter what the place looks like. He knows I'm busy with 1 DC never mind two.. your DH really needs to get his act together he should be looking forward to seeing you and the kids it shouldn't matter what the place looks like

He can't make you do anything op.
He's not your boss!
Why are you letting him 'make you clean' for two days?
Why are you pandering to him. Let him sulk and moan, but he needs to know how damaging his behaviour is to the relationship. Does he want a clean house (to his standards) or a relationship? He can't have both

This is so disrespectful of him. I cannot imagine what makes some men think that his wife/partner should be treated like an employee. I say that as someone whose husband isn't the best in this regard either but at least he doesn't insist I clean the house to such a degree. (Mine just sits around gaming and asking what's for tea 😡). Then again, I think that would be the last straw for me and I would find it easier to end the marriage.
Maybe your dh is amazing in other ways and it's worth sorting this out, but he needs to understand that he can't tell you what to do. And as for trying to get his mum involved! Clearly he expects the women in his life to do all the drudgery.
I'm speaking as someone who gets walked over on a regular basis so you have my sympathy.

Op, my colleagues think I have OCD as I clean my desk every day. The truth is the cleaner does a very poor job(he doesn’t even touch the desk though) and nobody can be bothered to address the situation especially during these times. My house is far from being spotlessly clean, but my dirt is my dirt, I can live in it. Your husband on the other hand may have proper OCD and my suggestion to you is to book him a therapy session at the same time with your hairdresser appointment. He is very unreasonable but since his mother is the same it’s unlikely he will see things differently without professional help.I’d cut the conversation short whenever he mentions cleaning the house for his arrival, or ignore his texts. Or just say you’ll do your best. But entertaining him by sending pictures... you are enabling his controlling tendencies. Another option is to book a spring clean before he arrives, while kids are not in so no one has to know, and let him do all the cleaning while at home. His coming home should be something to look forward to, not something your dreading. If you find no way of reasoning with him then you can start asking obsessive questions, like “will you stop talking about cleaning once you’re home?” I hope things go well for you, op! X

Haven't read the full thread but what would happen if you told him the hard truth? That you don't look forward to him coming home because it only means stress and further aggravation for you? That you're feeling ill and restless at the thought? Would he care or is it in fact his aim to make you feel that way?...

Personally I would reiterate if cleaning is the first thing on his mind then you should book him in for a full STD check as he's obviously not been faithful.

Dear OP - I think part of the problem is that you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to about this in real life. It is easier to lose perspective on what’s okay to expect in a relationship and what isn’t if you can’t air issues you are having.

You are allowed to not clean the house from top to bottom. You are allowed to get in a cleaner or a specialist company to do a deep clean. Or not. You are allowed to do these things so give yourself that permission.

The fact that you are afraid to stand up for yourself is really telling. It does suggest to me that you’re in an abusive relationship. Both my H and I have areas in which we incline to being a bit controlling but we each feel completely comfortable pushing back if we think the other is wrong.

You sound utterly miserable and this is unsustainable.

What would help you move forward? Do you want to remain married or would you prefer to separate? These are questions which you could consider to help you through this difficult period.

“Personally I would reiterate if cleaning is the first thing on his mind then you should book him in for a full STD check as he's obviously not been faithful.”

Yes - this is a very good point.

Fuck that shit. Let him crack on when he gets home, and don’t jump when he commands. Just do your regular routine. You also need to tell him his mother is NOT coming round to “help”. He pays for a cleaning company to visit pre his return, or he keeps himself busy doing it himself once he’s back.
Make sure you tell him your disappointed in his passive aggressive behaviour when he starts sulking too.
I hope you didn’t cancel the hairdresser OP.

What will he do if you don't? Genuine question op? Hit you, sulk, throw you out? All abusive so let the housework go and if he reacts badly you need to accept the relationship is not sustainable. Make your plans to get out.

Tell him you simply are not going to keep to his unreasonable standards, nor are you going to take any orders to clean after he gets back, nor are you going to put up with him huffing and puffing about it and making your and the children's lives miserable. Tell him if he wants to live in a sterile cell, he can go and do it somewhere else.

If I was you, I would explain to him how this makes you feel (under pressure, not good enough) and see what he says. Only you can change this situation, you either pay a cleaner to deep clean each room which will take more time than a normal clean or he comes home to a normal clean home that you live in and he spends his time getting it to his standards and leaves you alone. Don't put up with it as it will affect other parts of your life and eat away at your relationship. You have to stand up for yourself when it is impacting you like this. Your not being unreasonable, he is and if you don't stop it, it will carry on.

I understand that you feel he will make your life miserable if you don't do it op, so you feel it's easier to just get on & do it. Seriously think about letting his mother do it. It sounds like he might criticise your efforts however thorough but that seems less likely to do so if she does it. This is not your standard, it's theirs - so let them deal with it. Get her round and take the kids out for tea while she's there. This is/his attitude is, in part, her doing.

This is really sad. He’s been away for months and you have been a working single parent and his main concern is the house being immaculate.

Book your hair appointment you deserve it and he can spend that time doing something with his dc it will only be a few hours

“all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else” - it’s not a great priority to have is it, it should be “all I ask is to spend time with you and the kids”

Jesus, mine is like this to a degree and even that is bloody hard work. Is he military?