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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
LilyWater · 07/10/2020 22:19

To those thinking divorce would solve this...you'll probably actually go from frying pan to fire. If you have none of the normal adult assertiveness and boundaries which means you're not even standing up to a partner over a simple cleaning dispute when you're the one running the home, you're going to be easy fodder for an abuser who will sense and pounce on your vulnerability once he's reeled you in unfortunately.

Elderflower14 · 07/10/2020 22:25

You and your husband need to have a conversation re his expectations.. Go to your hair appointment. Tell him to get stuffed!

riceuten · 07/10/2020 22:28

He's using this to control you. Just say no.

Wineloffa · 07/10/2020 22:33

Tell him to pay for a cleaner or clean the house himself.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/10/2020 22:35

Make sure the stairs are polished really well.

Shortfeet · 07/10/2020 22:36

His mum will help?
Perfect
Hand her the jif and let her crack on

user1471565182 · 07/10/2020 22:37

Ask him when he became such a bloody big man as to expect his full time working and caring wife to do his work. It makes me fucking furious to read about losers like this with decent women when I think of all the great men I know who would love a chance at marraige and treat women with respect.

speakout · 07/10/2020 22:38

How about having his Dad around to clean?

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 07/10/2020 22:39

OP, what has happened to bring you to this point, where you're on your hands and knees scrubbing whilst dreading your husband coming home? I mean can you remember being younger and more carefree - when you were a child, a teenager, a young adult before you met him? How did it get to this point, where you sound so... defeated... worn down... passive... scared of not obeying his orders? I don't mean this as a criticism, I just want you to start to wake up.

You are his equal, you know? You're not worthless. Flowers

Sengland01 · 07/10/2020 22:41

This sounds like my partner, I knew he had standards but did not realise how mean and rude he can be. We moved in a year ago after being together 7 years. It's been the worse period of my life. He uses the excuse of wanting a clean house but it's only a ploy to get to me and make me feel worthless and useless as I cant keep to his standard. I also have a young child and he is home all the time now with working from home so the pressure is on. I am now leaving this man and looking for a new place to live. He is too much for me. I hope you find peace too and see your worth. I think if you cleaned for a week he would still not be happy and still find fault. As soon as I realised that I could start to be more free and say I have done my best but it is him that is controlling me! X

CherryBlossomTree7 · 07/10/2020 22:42

You shouldn't be living like this OP. He is abusive. As pps have said, you should be overjoyed to see your husband after months apart, especially after raising the children alone for months.

The 'make it worth your while' comment probably means he has/will buy you something like a piece of jewellery. A glittering necklace does not excuse the abuse.

He has no respect for you. To know that you are shattered and is still pushing you to work yourself ragged. Knowing that you are in sole care of the children and he doesn't care how exhausted you are. Run for the hills, for the sake of your children.

Inkpaperstars · 07/10/2020 22:44

This is not ocd, it sounds nothing like it at all. Ocd is not about 'being a neat freak'. There is a separate condition....obsessive compulsive personality disorder which might include a strong preference for order etc, but not in this way.

ColleagueFromMars · 07/10/2020 22:45

Fucking hell. In the nicest, most loving way I can think of, please grow a backbone and learn how to be assertive!

No is a complete sentence, as they say.

Rebook your hairdresser, stop cleaning, book his mum to come and clean the day he arrives home, book a spa break while you're at it with some nice treatments, and welcome him home, hand him a child and walk straight to your car and go have a couple of days off. Switch your phone off. Let him sulk and clean on his own time.

You raise his children and run an entire household 7 days a week infusing full time work and he deigns to think that the only thing he wants from you is a little cleaning now and then. Fuck that shit. Let him sulk, but ffs be too busy going and doing something nice for yourself to give a damn.

VinylDetective · 07/10/2020 22:47

@Shortfeet

His mum will help? Perfect Hand her the jif and let her crack on
This. Although I personally wouldn’t want her anywhere near the place. I wouldn’t even be having this discussion - a professional deep clean would be booked for the day before His Lordship arrived home every single time.
Inkpaperstars · 07/10/2020 22:47

how long is he home for OP? I am finding myself already wishing him back abroad for you.

What would have happened if you had texted back...actually I am really pressed right now looking after dc/relative and probably won't have time/energy to do a deep clean, but you can take a few days to get it how you want it yourself once you're home.

Glitterbubbles · 07/10/2020 22:47

This is awful, I'm so sorry you're being put through this OP. It sounds like he needs to get his priorities right, and as PP have said he seems to have much deeper issues than just wanting things to be clean.

mathanxiety · 07/10/2020 22:50

Don't pander to this by getting cleaners in or letting his mum do it.

He needs to deal with his need to control you. He needs to go to a psychologist and commit to fundamental change.

He is using this easy method to remind you who is in charge all the time you are away. It's a power trip. He is trying to assert some imagined position of authority over you in your own home, asserting by his expectations and his response when they are not met that he is the boss and you are the underling.

Sit back, wait for him to come home, and tell him to clean it all himself if he wants it done in a particular way. If he sulks, tell him you are sorry he feels the way he does, and continue to not lift a finger.

Go to your appointment and enjoy it.

You get to decide how you want your home to look too. You get to decide how much effort you are willing to put into it.

If you sincerely cannot bear the thought of him coming home, seeing the house the way you are happy with it, and the sulking that follows, then please, please go and see a therapist yourself to learn how to stand up to him.

Ideally, what you should learn to do is hang up on him every time he mentions the housekeeping when he is away. Then tell him what he can do with himself when he comes home and tries to control you again.

You do not have to live like this.

It is really, really important that your children not live like this either. His coercive assertion of authority is going to damage them very severely.

pallisers · 07/10/2020 22:58

He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”.

He is away from his wife and children for 4 months and all he wants is a clean house. Where the fuck are his priorities.

How about

All I want is to see you again
All I want is to be home with you all again
All I want is to thank you for keeping everything going when I was away.

or even if he isn't that decent

All I want is to see you all and then could I have a day to decompress.

All reasonable. but jesus. that he is happy for his wife who is rearing his children on her own while working to spend hours scrubbing the house to feed his neurosis/ocd/badness.

Honestly OP. Say no. If he says "All I wanted was a clean house now we have to clean it" say "you have a clean house. If you want it cleaner do it yourself, the kids and I are going on with our lives like we do when you are gone"

honestly why would you put up with this kind of abusive control. He has a woman on her knees scrubbing skirting boards and he isn't even in the country! Channel my mum (born 1927) and tell him to do one.

Queenest · 07/10/2020 22:59

I’m sorry OP but you are enabling his behaviour. I’m interested to know what you fear will happen if you don’t go along with his demands.

huuskymam · 07/10/2020 23:03

I would be leaving him alone for a week with the kids and see if he can still maintain his standard of cleanliness. He's being an arsehole.

Queenest · 07/10/2020 23:03

How about having his Dad around to clean?

Good point!!

Does his dad control his mum in this way?

Heyahun · 07/10/2020 23:04

I’m a bit obsessive with cleaning myself - my husbands idea of cleaning is different to mine - I understand what I like the place to look like is a little over the top - but that’s my problem so I do extra tidying/cleaning and don’t expect him to do more than what he already does.
I’d never expect anyone else to clean to my standards at all - he needs to get a grip and realise he has to clean himself or get a cleaner - not your job to help him either !
So sorry op but this sounds miserable

mellicauli · 07/10/2020 23:04

If he is behaving like this to you, what's he going to be like to your children when they get older? What if they make a bit of a mess in his perfect house, how will they be treated? Do they exist to serve him too? I would not want this behaviour to be the day to day experience of my children.

What does he do to make your life easier and happier? Not a great deal in the last 4 months, I guess.

Dappledsunlight · 07/10/2020 23:07

Tell him to pay for a cleaner or pay for therapy. His choice.

pallisers · 07/10/2020 23:14

What does he do to make your life easier and happier? Not a great deal in the last 4 months, I guess.

This is an excellent point. You have been juggling everything for the past 4 months OP. Do you not get to say "All I want is my husband to come home and not sound like Mrs Hinch on steroids" or indeed to you get to express anything other than gratitude he is home. I wouldn't be grateful - I'd be dreading it just like you.

And how on EARTH do you have sex with a man whose priority is you cleaning skirting boards? Like how? Isn't he the biggest turn off ever?