I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

If the counsellor aren’t responding, I usually take that as they’re really busy and therefore don’t need another client. Try someone else. It might take meeting 2-3 before you find the right one.

I think that you do need to put your foot down as a first response. I liked the PPs previous suggestion but feel it might need to be more direct and directing (eg telling him).

"I've thought about it a lot and realising how much your insistence on constant cleaning is stressing me out and affecting our children. I can't do it any more but before I make a decision that is final I need to tell you that I'm not doing it any more. And give you three choices.

• deal with it the way it is and stop talking about it
• you arrange and pay for a cleaner to get it where you want it. And stop talking about it.
• we split up.

I will not have your mum do it and I will not do it to the excessive level you demand and I will not discuss it with you any more. No more texts or pressure this is your thing not mine. You're not here and I'm effectively a single mum 90% of the time so splitting up isn't as hard as it could be. I'd rather not. But I can't do this any more do let me know which of those three you choose. "

Obviously reword a little to sound more like you but the main thing is that you give him those choices not another choice of discussing it and you don't give him a problem with no solution or make it about your emotions as we do often do eg 'I'm so unhappy and I want you to fix it but don't want to tell you how I just want to be miserable'

Be clear. Give him choices. Tell him what he can do for it to be ok. Be clear what will happen otherwise. Don't soften it to the point that your message isn't there. I deal with men. I tell them what to do every day. Clear, direct, and precise instructions are key. He's used to it at work and probably gets confused by anything else.

You're resisting a cleaner but can he lose his ocd overnight? I doubt it. It's genetic. You don't want to take on the burden of this including being responsible for the cleaning standard of a cleaner.

Not your ocd. Not your problem.

Any decent counsellor will manage their workload and leave some spaces for new clients. If your life and her(?) life is so packed you can't agree a time, I would move on to somebody else.

The thing is, you’re not doing ‘nothing’. You’re caring for his children. You’re parenting solo.

I think I would be telling him that my plans for the weekend were based entirely around the children, and ensuring that they have some quality time doing family activities. I would also tell him that you are deliberately not taking time away from them by spending the weekend doing unnecessary cleaning, because the children are already anxious about being in their own home, and about his anger.

Agree with previous posters- it’s not about the cleaning, it’s about control, and finding a way to control you so you never develop an independent life of your own. You’ve been with him your whole adult life, you’ve never had the chance to become independent and assertive.

The MIL angle is another element of control- if she’s ‘helping clean’, she’s also in and out of your home frequently, monitoring what you do and who you see/ speak to.

If you did somehow manage to clean the house to show home standards, he’d invent another leash. I was going to suggest that it’d probably be a ban on babysitters so you can never go out, but I actually suspect that you are already too fearful to go out with friends and leave the children with babysitters.

I think since you are already trying to find a counsellor and you have a breathing space to try to formulate your plans, then I would delay sending him any texts which deliver ultimatums and will simply bring him home in a fighting mood,

I wouldn't spell things out for him and offer him choices and insights into what you might be planning to do until you are really prepared and sure what it is you want to do and then you can tell him straight. Otherwise you could find him trying to make things more difficult with finances or paperwork and your MIL at the door checking up on you. Get some professional/legal advice to help you decide your course of action and when you know what that is, then start the discussion. So sorry you are going through this, but it does sound like you want things to change.

Send the message written by @FusionChefGeoff
If your husband wants it cleaner suggest him and his mom can do it one day you are out enjoying your kids. It will be a chance for them both to catch up while doing what they love most... Cleaning.

What a miserable life. Late twenties is no age.

If he wants that standard all the time he needs to hire a cleaner.
This is really unacceptable, OP.
Don't give into him!

I've just seen the post about the tick list!

Fuck that!

I would tick them all -tick meaning yes, something else I have not done.

I agree with what @DuckbilledSplatterPuff said.

DO NOT tip your hand to your H.

Disengaging from the dynamic you are both involved in is going to take time.

You need to keep your thoughts private until you are strong enough to recognise your own value and to see your H as he really is before you proceed with any course of action.

Otherwise he will roll over like a steamroller.

I would do what @MarriedtoDaveGrohl says but without the 'split up' option, because you are not ready for that and he knows it.

He will threaten you with it instead, and throw in 'I'll take the children' for good measure.

Do not tell him you are going to counseling/therapy. He will use that against you too.

Short term , get a cleaner agency if necessary.. bide your time.
You do have access to money?

@Goodbadanduglyyyy
I’m not defending him at all here by saying this, but he’s not that smart. Surely abusers are smart to a certain extent? He really isn’t that smart.

The IQ of abusers can have a wide range. They are found in all occupations.

Abusers all fit into patterns, however, and some are combinations of different types.

They are united in their laziness and sense of entitlement and usually a deepseated misogyny. They will choose a means of abuse that involves very little continuous effort on their part but with maximum payoff. Your abuser types checklists, appears in the home infrequently, gets angry, sulks, and then disappears again. The payoff for him is the sight of you anxious, nervous, on the defensive, and ripe for criticism by your lord and master, which he dishes out at no effort to himself, but with an effect that he can use to feed his insatiable need to feel superior.

Yours may well not be very bright. He may realise this and make up for it by asserting his dominance behind the four walls of his home. He is lazy enough to choose a very easy way to keep you kow towing to him. But he is also cunning enough to know the least amount of pressure he needs to apply in order to evoke maximum response.

Stupid doesn't necessarily mean lack of cunning when it comes to getting exactly what he wants. As his need changes, the amount and type of abuse can change.
Stupid doesn't mean humility or appreciation of someone else's intelligence or excellent qualities.
Stupid doesn't rule out resentment or jealousy or wounded ego and a desire to cut someone else down to size in order to feel bigger, better, or smarter by comparison to the person they are abusing, in their own twisted minds.
It doesn't rule out a massive sense of entitlement or an ability to make someone else's life utterly miserable.

Your H also seems to have a very unhealthy relationship with his mother. There are many layers of dysfunction here.

Given a house with children and work commitments I would hope you all get on and are happy or coping than being overly clean.
Get his priorities right mr ocd.
Ask him to arrange it/ pay for a cleaner for a through clean since your not up to his specs.

If he tries to make you clean grab your car keys and take the kids to the park!

Just a quick update, he messaged this morning to ask if there is something wrong because he could sense there was.

I never held back and mentioned everything about the cleaning, it was probably the longest message I have ever wrote.

He replied saying that he is sorry, and that he didn’t realise he was putting pressure on me. He said if I’m that tired then I shouldn’t pick him up from the airport when he comes home, he will get the train. And that he wishes he wasn’t the way he is.

I don’t know what to think

It doesn't really matter why he is the way he is. What matters is how he manages that. His way of managing is not fair on you. There are many other ways of managing that have been suggested here but he prefers a way that is unfair to you.

He said if I’m that tired then I shouldn’t pick him up from the airport when he comes home, he will get the train.

Passive agressive asshole.

Ok well this is a good start. He wants the result (clean house) without the control of you. And now you've told him what's in your mind. This is your chance to change things and to step up into being a grown up in how you relate to him.

Please just get a damn cleaner. Tell him why and book a deep clean before he comes and take yourself and the children out for a few hours while they do it. There's no end of companies that no end of tenancy cleans etc. Tell them exactly what you want eg skirting boards immaculate and they will do it.

And if he wishes he wasn't the way he is he needs to get cbt therapy to change it. Or hypnotherapy. And you need to start pushing back. He's not a mind reader and you not telling him things then being upset because he hasn't read your mind isn't helping. So tell him. Maybe Onefeed the next few days so he has time to digest it before he sees you?

You will get the 'you shouldn't have to tell him he should know' brigade but not all men do know. Poor parenting, mild ASD and working in an all male or male dominated environment (which he probably does because he finds it less confusing. No one is expected to mind read there - clear orders are given) all mean that a lot of men need clear direction.

It's not hard. You have children and need to be able to assert yourself without waiting till you are upset and hurt. If he huffs or get upset that's too bad (the train is a PA sulk, of sorts). Give in at the slightest sign of his getting upset and no one wins. You get more and more resentful and get doesnt know why.

Op
Your post has made me so sad.

Abusers don't have to be smart,they just find a way to manipulate you.

It is so sad that instead of wanting to give you a break, he is looking to make your life harder. There's no respect there.

You are so young, obviously very capable. This doesn't have to be your life.

Wow, he twisted that quickly to poor him, didn't he. Not don't clean, but don't pick him up - martyr status 101, look at how much I'm willing to suffer for you, you should suffer for me in turn (by still doing the cleaning).

The whole "I hate how i am" bollox is fishing for sympathy, and means you are supposed feel sorry for HIM and tell him he's great really etc etc. Nice deflection from the issue! Focus on mmmmmeeeeee and my pain, not on the fact I cause you pain!. "I hate how me being like this effects my family and I'll get help" would have been appropriate. This is just more martyr deflection.

Stick to your guns! Don't let his pity party take the focus off the real issue: this might be 'the way he is' but you're the one doing all the bloody hard work because of it!!

Tell him it is not about collecting him from the airport. It is about his unreasonable demands of you, even when he's not here; that is what is exhausting and stressing you out.

He needs to prepare himself for the house being the way it is, without you having a nervous breakdown about it in anticipation of his return.

Tell him you are glad he sees that it is his issue.
You'll be happy to pick him up (if you are). The house will be as tidy as is normal and if he can't handle that it might be better if he stayed with his parents until he has addressed his issue.

Abusers don’t have to be ‘smart’ in the conventional sense.

He knows how to exert control over you to get you to do his bidding even when he’s not around.

Respond to his message. Thank you for being understanding. See you when you get home.

Then don’t pick him up. He’s fine to take the train. He said so. If you go pick him up he’ll tell you it’s your own fault you’re tired he told you he couldn’t air his own way home.

Be in bed fast asleep when he gets home, if he wants to start cleaning immediately it’s up to him.

Don't get a cleaner- at least not to meet his standards- if you want one well fine, but getting a cleaner so that immaculate skirting boards meet his standards simply reinforce the idea that he is right and you are failing at being a wife and mother.

This man has chosen a life that means he spends a large amount of time away from his family and children.
Yes he works, but so does the OP, and she is being left with the shitty end of the stick here.
I am sure despite working away he gats far more free time than the OP- whi is trying to juggle it all alone.

She is already doing more than her fair share of running this family- and he has the audacity to try to control standards of oder in the home?
He should be grateful that the OP is sticking around and holding the fort at all.

My blood is boiling on your behalf OP.
In your position I would deliberately leave dishes and empty wine bottles to pile up as a welcome home for him.
Knowing how much he values a tidy home he should be delighted to get his sleeves rolled up and start scrubbing.

DO NOT GET A CLEANER OP- at least not to keep him happy. If you want one than fine, but this guy needs a wake up call.

He's turning the tables to try and make you feel sorry for him now despite the fact that it's you under intolerable pressure and the only one deserving of sympathy. I'll cut him some slack though and he may genuinely feel bad and he maybe compelled to do this due to conditioning from his Mum but he still doesn't deserve any sympathy in this situation.

He says all he asks of you is a clean house but this couldn't be further from the truth as he actually asks you to care for the children by yourself for long periods so that he can work away. He asks you to do all the pick ups, all the drop offs, all the booking and keeping appointments, all the bedtimes, all the morning routines, all the lunches, all the evening meals, all of the food planning and shopping, all of the homework, all of the caring and playing, all of the emotional support children need, all of their bathing and hair washing and nailclipping etc, no doubt all of the birthday presents buying etc. You are continuously working to keep your family life running and you also work on top of that. Everything. And he makes it sound like actually it's just some cleaning he asks for. You need to make sure he really knows what he asks of you because he may well have convinced himself he asks for very little. He should be thanking you profusely every time he comes home for all you do to enable him to follow his career path and yet all he sees is the dust on the skirting boards. You are a trojan for all you do for him and it would take a lot for him to match and deserve all you do and are. You need to know that and so does he.