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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
Babypiggy · 09/10/2020 13:15

Just to add- my marriage was like this. Not working away or cleaning but constant chipping about my looks and weight (never been bigger than size 12) was constantly told “ you could be best looking out of friends if you lost a stone) my self confidence was in tatters and its still not there. Men like this chip and chip and chip. The house cleaning is chipping. They get away with it because its like “oh theyre great in every other way- its just this one thing” issue is that “one thing” makes u feel like shit. I was also constantly told how to look after my son. I am now divorced and a very confident mother. During my seperation my exH told my family “piggy with never survive without me- she wil forget to put bins out etc” well two years on and ive only forgotten once! Seriously though- men like this dont change

Icantcontrolmyface · 09/10/2020 13:42

There is a reason he picked an 18 year old at 27. Because a woman his own age wouldn't put up with his behaviour.

StormTreader · 09/10/2020 14:08

"Forgot to mention, FIL is the most laid back person and would never act this way towards MIL. He too thinks the cleaning is ridiculous and over the top."

He can choose to do that because its not HIM being told to clean to her standards.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/10/2020 14:09

Do not embark on couples therapy with him. This is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Mix56 · 09/10/2020 14:56

I think I would say "This cleaning nonsense is completely OTT.
"If you want it done in a certain way, then here's the duster". The house is clean & hygienic, I am not wasting any more of my precious time polishing & scrubbing."
It is also my home, & I will not be bullied into buffing it up to your exclusive fanatical standards. it's a home not a hotel.
& I honestly suggest you seek therapy for your OCD.

Then follow through.

TatianaBis · 09/10/2020 22:26

@mathanxiety

"OP has already said that a cleaning company wouldn't do it to his standards."

Xpost - I think that’s unlikely - depends on the company and the brief. A good company can do it to any standard.
@TatianaBis (and others) -

The cleaning company idea misses the point. The clue as to what is really going on is the OP's comment that he wouldn't be satisfied with any job cleaners could do.

The H isn't bothered at all by the state of the house. No cleaning effort on anyone's part - except his mother's - will ever be satisfactory, because the aim of the H's game is to always criticise, not to end up with a clean house.
The state of the house is just something handy that he has weaponised against the OP.

The point is not to get the house clean. He doesn't care about the house. He has two items in his agenda:

1 - It is vital from his pov to always have something to criticise the OP for, something to use to keep her feeling small and anxious all the time, something to remind her that the H is in a position of authority over her, and keep the OP on the back foot at all times, anxious, but at the same time optimistic that she will one day meet with his approval.

This is the trap laid by all abusers. The other side of the abuse coin, the role of the victim in the dynamic, is the toxic optimism on her part in response to the bait set out, optimism that one day she will finally get it 'right' and the abuser will finally approve of her. The OP believes deep down that there is a right way, that the goalposts will never be moved, and that trying really hard will result in approval and appreciation from her H. It's a chimera based on the false assumption that this man cares about the house.

2 - I suspect he also cares very much about showing his mother that he is on the same page as her, focused on the same preoccupation, and is willing to allow his mother into his house to participate in the shaming of the OP. This is a triangular relationship and his mother is probably only too happy to join forces with the H against the wife.

Ultimately, what keeps the OP in this very unhealthy relationship is a deep fear, not necessarily of her H, but of something else. YY to @Songsofexperience.

@Goodbadanduglyyyy, you need to sit yourself down and ask yourself what your deepest fear is.
Being alone?
Shame associated with failure?
Humiliation?
You need to name and face this fear or you will always be inclined to give away your power.
You will always ask, 'How high?' when someone says, "Jump!" instead of the retort, 'Who do you think you are, telling me to jump?'

@mathanxiety

The cleaning company idea misses the point. The clue as to what is really going on is the OP's comment that he wouldn't be satisfied with any job cleaners could do.

Entirely agree. But in the short term she’s in a twist about cleaning and her DH coming home. I say let someone else do it. She can plan to leave in the longer term.

Howzaboutye · 09/10/2020 23:00

Hi OP what a sad story. It's good you are posting though, lots of good advice.
Please listen to Atilla. She knows her stuff.
Speaking as an escapee of a similar relationship- it is possible to leave.
You can do it. For your children as well as yourself.

HumptyD · 09/10/2020 23:13

It is abuse, he is literally
Guilting you into doing something and if it’s not done to his standards he gives you the cold shoulder for days and makes you feel guilty. That’s
Not normal is it, plenty of people have OCD type behaviour but they do it themselves.. he expects you to do it for him, what a joke! And doesn’t even come in and say oh the house looks nice.. you work, you look after your kids, while he works away for months on ends and he thinks go in you extra chores is acceptable?? And your doing it.. do you watch Coronation street?? Reminds me of the yazmeen story and Geoff abusing her and saying the dusty house was making him ill and putting dots on skirting boards to check if she cleaned properly, it was all about control and checking up on what she was doing with her day. It’s the same here, he’s trying to keep you have no time for you while he’s away. And offering his mum to help, what woman wants her MIL poking round the dirty parts of their home, he knows full well you will say no so then he could look ‘oh well I’m not being unreasonable I did offer you some help’. Tell him your not doing it anymore it’s that simple, say you are making me resent you and dread you coming home after months, so either pay for a cleaner or get over it and lice like every other man with a working wife and kids has to, or piss off.

Xxx

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/10/2020 08:25

OP is he home ? Are you ok ?

Frazzled2207 · 10/10/2020 08:37

This is awful to read. You need to leave him. Easier said than done I know.
But stop the cleaning Right Now. Just do what you consider acceptable. Why not send him a text if easier than talking f2f
‘I’ve decided I’m not going to clean to your obsessive standards anymore. I have children to look after and they’re my priority. You’re welcome to play for a cleaner to come and do it l, or do it yourself, if if the house is not clean enough when you come home’

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 10/10/2020 08:49

He has been delayed so looking to be next week before he’s home now.

I would usually be up scrubbing by now but I’m going to relax abit and have a walk with my kids and do some baking (which he hates me doing because of all of the “mess”)

He has been telling me how down he is that he has been delayed and that he’s really struggling. I’m finding it so hard to have any sympathy.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 10/10/2020 09:01

Just finding this so so strange. You are equals why are you acting like his maid? He’s not your boss!

FusionChefGeoff · 10/10/2020 09:04

I think you should definitely send him a text / email as suggested above.

"I've realised that the expectations you have on me and the standards in the house are making me really unhappy and unwell with anxiety. The constant cleaning reminders whilst you are away are very very unhelpful and then the complete lack of acknowledgement when you get home just shows me how little you value me.

I've decided I'm not going to obey your excessive demands anymore but will be cleaning to my own standards. You are obviously welcome to hire and brief a cleaner or to do the work yourself when you're back but I'm not letting this take over my life anymore. It's unfair and pointless.

My priorities when you are away are keeping the kids happy and looking after me. I'm going to spend more time doing this and a lot less time cleaning.

See you when you get back

MsTSwift · 10/10/2020 09:06

Perfect. Might add “you can pick up some j cloths and Jif on your way home if you’re that bothered. Kids and I are having such fun baking”

MsTSwift · 10/10/2020 09:08

Also it’s all terribly unsexy isn’t it? Confronted with a fussy man upset about cleaning - my libido would vanish.

Dreamschool87 · 10/10/2020 09:10

@FusionChefGeoff

I think you should definitely send him a text / email as suggested above.

"I've realised that the expectations you have on me and the standards in the house are making me really unhappy and unwell with anxiety. The constant cleaning reminders whilst you are away are very very unhelpful and then the complete lack of acknowledgement when you get home just shows me how little you value me.

I've decided I'm not going to obey your excessive demands anymore but will be cleaning to my own standards. You are obviously welcome to hire and brief a cleaner or to do the work yourself when you're back but I'm not letting this take over my life anymore. It's unfair and pointless.

My priorities when you are away are keeping the kids happy and looking after me. I'm going to spend more time doing this and a lot less time cleaning.

See you when you get back

This is a really good suggestion, OP.
Parker231 · 10/10/2020 09:23

Just do normal cleaning. If he’s not happy with it, he can do it when he gets home. Go out with friends or family and leave him to it.

Treacletoots · 10/10/2020 09:54

Oh OP. From what I can see you're no longer looking for validation that this is wrong, but rather need to find the strength to start taking steps to remove yourself from this existence.

I was once in your shoes, seemingly unable to escape a relationship that was sucking the life out of me. You need to really sit and think how much better your life would be without this nonsense. Focus on the outcome and then think back to the steps you need to achieve this.

When it all gets overwhelming, keep your eyes on the prize and why you're doing it. How he makes you feel now, what you deserve from life (this isn't it)

I can bet when you do finally kick him out /divorce him /move out you will feel such a feeling of relief you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Please OP, make a start, this is no way to live. Thousands of us have done it before you and have found much much better lives. You deserve it too.

SpaceRaiders · 10/10/2020 10:20

Op I think it’s best you also get some counselling, work on yourself, work out why you need his approval and unpick why you’re afraid of being alone.

Even if/when you do leave, whilst you won’t be dealing with the constant cleaning or treading on egg shells on a daily basis. His behaviour won’t change, the criticism and chipping away at your sense of self will continue but from afar. I say this as someone who left a similar dynamic. Life is so much easier in many ways but exh will always find a way to undermine, question what I do and how I do it. It’s all just a power play.

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 10/10/2020 11:21

I’m taking all of the advice on board, thank you.

I did email a counsellor on one of my really bad days a couple of weeks ago. We emailed back and fore regarding which days and times are suitable and the counsellor never got back to me. Unsure whether to try her again or try somebody else.

Again, thanks for the replies. Today I keep looking at my kids telling myself I need to do what’s best for us all.

OP posts:
randomer · 10/10/2020 11:24

Don't mess about emailing. Pick up a phone today and ring somebody. you can get a fair idea of somebody from their information on line and their voice on the phone.

Dashel · 10/10/2020 11:38

Please do deal with this now and not just see it as a day off from dealing with it and then worry tomorrow instead.

Emailing him now will give you both time to discuss it whilst he is away. I would even tell him you felt relief that he has been delayed and that’s not how you want to feel about things but that’s how his actions are making you feel and it’s not a sustainable or healthy way to live so things must change and thar doesn’t mean getting his mother involved to clean.

moonsnow · 10/10/2020 11:41

Hmm I'm pretty fussy about how things are done but not as fussy as that and I don't expect anyone else to do all the fiddly crap that I do. If he's that particular he should do it himself and you can just do things to your own standards, if he's unhappy he can do extra on top, that's how we work it.

billy1966 · 10/10/2020 12:56

OP, he needs to be told that you are relieved and happy he's not returning.

He has stated that the most important thing for him returning is that the house is clean.

Not that he sees his family.

What you have IS NOT a marriage.

Protect yourself and your innocent daughters.
Flowers

Augustbreeze · 10/10/2020 13:09

Sorry haven't RTFT but has anyone advised you to ring Women's Aid or another domestic abuse organisation? That's who you need to discuss this with. They'll listen and help you work out exactly how you want to approach this.

Do it for you DDs if you can't get your head around doing for yourself yet.