I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

Please pay real attention to the posts by math anxiety and quartz in particular.

What is the longest period of time you have been single anyway? Why are you so scared of being single, how did all that start with you?. What happened?

You have my huge sympathy OP, your post is very sad to read.
I think I understand what you mean about being OK being alone but worried about being single. Being alone is private and something you are already doing, but as soon as you are officially single, other people feel they have the right to judge, intervene, interfere and generally bother/offer unwanted help/try to seduce you! It can be a lot to bat off.
My only suggestion would be trying to talk seriously to your DH about how instead of looking forward to seeing him, he is making you deeply unhappy. If he really, truly does not care about this or tries to minimise your feelings you will probably need to grit your teeth, get through the next eight weeks, then start divorce proceedings as soon as he is away.
The only bright side of this is that he is away a lot, you do know you can cope brilliantly on your own, and you will probably be surprised as how strong you turn out to be in the long run.

You're scared of hurting him, but he's really hurting you all the time, isn't he?

it’s the thought of being single. I was 18 when we met and he was 27, I’m now late twenties.

Well there it is. He picked you very young and trained you. Time to fly solo.

There is a difference in being alone and single. Right now I’m currently alone, married but still alone. Single is an entirely different thing.

I agree @mathanxiety and @Quartz2208 have given great advice, as have a lot of others.

It was also made me realise that when he comes home and doesn’t mention about how clean the house his, I feel upset. He’s asked me to do so much work, which I have done, and he doesn’t even recognise it. It’s like I need his approval and this is the first time I’ve realised this.

@Goodbadanduglyyyy

I’ve never really sat and thought about my fears.

Being alone isn’t one of them, I cope fine on my own but it’s the thought of being single. I was 18 when we met and he was 27, I’m now late twenties. He’s the only person I’ve been with in a very long time, I also don’t have much confidence either so I don’t know who would want me, or if I would ever find someone. I don’t live in a big city.

My fear is hurting him for example splitting up, but I don’t know why that’s my fear. I’m not scared of him, so I’m confused about that too.

I should probably add that all the times he comes home from work and the house is absolutely immaculate he doesn’t even mention it. He will mention it weekly while he away and not a peep about it when he comes home, I find that odd.

Did you ever wonder why he started a relationship with someone nearly 10 years younger? Did you have much life experience before you got together with him? He has really trained you to think this mode of being is normal when it is not.

It’s very interesting that he says nothing about the cleaning when he gets home. It shows this is not about cleaning, it’s about control.

He doesn't mention it because his process is to have you on eggshells. If it's not done to his standards, he can complain/ give you a hard time. If it is, by withholding "approval" you'll be on edge the entire time.

Whether or not he is doing this on purpose, it's very damaging.

You are still seeking his approval on some level and this along with a fear of being single keeps you within this whole dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

As mathanxiety alluded to earlier in her comment:-

This is the trap laid by all abusers. The other side of the abuse coin, the role of the victim in the dynamic, is the toxic optimism on her part in response to the bait set out, optimism that one day she will finally get it 'right' and the abuser will finally approve of her. The OP believes deep down that there is a right way, that the goalposts will never be moved, and that trying really hard will result in approval and appreciation from her H. It's a chimera based on the false assumption that this man cares about the house.

When have you ever been single anyway OP; after all you met this man when you were 18 and but a young adult yourself. You've likely never spent any time at all being single. He has done a bang up job on you to make you believe his thinking is the way you and things should be. Your daughters have certainly noticed and are also learning from you about how relationships are conducted.

And he is doing this absolutely on purpose, this is all deliberate on his part. He planned this sort of life for you all along and he wants to keep you without a voice, feeling trapped and otherwise controlled.

I didn’t have any life experience before meeting him really. He was my first proper boyfriend, I had ones that lasted a few weeks before that but they fizzled out.

I’m not defending him at all here by saying this, but he’s not that smart. Surely abusers are smart to a certain extent? He really isn’t that smart.

Forgot to mention, FIL is the most laid back person and would never act this way towards MIL. He too thinks the cleaning is ridiculous and over the top.

It was also made me realise that when he comes home and doesn’t mention about how clean the house his, I feel upset. He’s asked me to do so much work, which I have done, and he doesn’t even recognise it. It’s like I need his approval and this is the first time I’ve realised this.

Because it's not about the cleaning. It's about controlling you while he's away. Projection might also be at play here because you've said you suspected occasions of cheating, and cheaters often project that behaviour onto their spouse, assuming that if they themselves do it, she must be at it also.

Surely abusers are smart to a certain extent? He really isn’t that smart.

It's not about cunning, or them sitting plotting how to trip you up. It's more to do with a personality thing I think. My ex was certainly too thick to actually come up with all the nasty shit he did to me but it happened anyway. I think it just has absolute indifference to your feelings plus selfishness as it's base layer and various behaviours towards their partner are built on that - but the commonality is that they literally do not care about your feelings, your wants, your needs. Then other personality traits are layered on top - maybe cruelty, sarcasm, anger, violence, jealousy etc depending on the abuser. A bit like a shitty perfume where they might all smell very different because of top notes but the base notes are the same.

You are doing great - you are starting to look objectively at your relationship and questioning certain things. That's the first few steps on the road to seeing it the way it really is.

I’m not defending him at all here by saying this, but he’s not that smart. Surely abusers are smart to a certain extent? He really isn’t that smart.

But I daresay he is extremely charming and manipulative and he used that on you. Men who abuse are clever and extremely charming. Most of these men have a personality that draws people in, he is adept at charming, deceiving and manipulating. When a victim reports an assault, she is not easily believed. People normally say: “Not him, he is so nice." “You are so lucky."

You are now getting the measure of him but abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares. He was likely extremely charming to you when you were 18 and had no real life experience behind you. Indeed have you ever wondered why a man nine years older than you went for you?.

I’m not defending him at all here by saying this, but he’s not that smart. Surely abusers are smart to a certain extent? He really isn’t that smart.

Unlike others, I think it's entirely possible for abusers to be abusers without realising it. Especially the dumb ones. They're manipulative and sneaky and they convince themselves that their way is perfectly valid and fair and right. It's particularly illuminating when you hear such men talking away from the person they're abusing - I have heard men say things I consider absolutely mind blowingly wrong who are then completely shocked when I pipe up.

I also believe that because this type of man is generally not a very nice man, and one who wants his own way and thinks it's entirely reasonable, even if they don't realise they're abusive by themselves, they don't respond to having they behaviour pointed out because they just aren't nice people.

I know others will disagree with this view. But the abuser I know the most honestly genuinely believes he is hard done by and that nothing is his fault. He manipulates his partner and is massively impacting her mental health but he is so deluded (and frankly, thick as a board) that he is completely clueless and thinks he is the one who is being treated badly.

@Regularsizedrudy

All those suggesting a cleaner HE DOESNT WANT A CLEANER. HE WANTS A WAY TO BULLY AND CONTROL HIS WIFE LONG DISTANCE SO SHE DOESNT FORGET HER PLACE. HE IS AN ABUSER.

I agree.

And his suggestion of getting his mum in is to continue that abuse on a few levels. IE, Mum cleans and is likely to make it clear she thinks OP isn't good enough, to make OP feel ashamed into cleaning to his requirements, and I suspect to also put blockers onto OP doing anything for herself, maybe even reporting back on what OP is doing.

So, I'd not be agreeing to his mum coming in to clean.

He might not be smart but he's 'stupid like a fox'
his intuitions and instincts are strong and he naturally is cunning, always comes out on top without having to think about it, there's a kind of creature mind which always looks after itself even though the person isn't cognitively or intellectually strong enough to grasp the processes which underlay his responses.
(a bit like..... you can instinctly judge speed and distance without being able to do the mathematical equations which underly what's going on)

I wouldn’t even be having this discussion - a professional deep clean would be booked for the day before His Lordship arrived home every single time.

The trouble is this wouldn't work unless the deep clean was happening every other day. The second someone dropped a crumb or a few specks of dust settled he'd be moaning on about what a tip the place was.

I haven't read the whole thread so I apologise. Clearly this is a complex issue.

My one thought is this: Don't let him back. As soon as you do, he will be chipping away at your new sense of independence. And you will fall into previous habits of fear and compliance.

You don't have to tell him it's over. Just that you need to think as you are no longer happy.

Have you ever thought of just saying "No - I am refusing to do anything more than normal level cleaning and I refuse to discuss it" ? Being absolute and resolute. Does this fill you with fear? Why?

And this, from a 59 year old. You are so young. You will only win and win and win by leaving. It's actually quite insulting to be so afraid of being single. Really.

I was in a 25 relationship I thought was forever. It wasn't and now I'm single. What did I learn? That I should of left 10 years ago. That fear is our greatest enemy. Just do it. He's a creep.

P.S and abuse has nothing to do with smarts. It's an deep and powerful emotional drive and the abuser is often largely unconscious of what and why they do what they do.

[quote everythingbackbutyou]**@VinylDetective, true, but I have been in a similar position. I found that, after considering alternative solutions for many years, LTB was the most effective solution. Anything that has a person dreading their husband finding them lacking in any way is abusive. @Goodbadanduglyyyy, do you find that no matter how hard/thoroughly you scrub and clean, he will ALWAYS manage to find something you haven't done 'right'?[/quote]
I had someone like this. He didn't work away, but in the small amount of time between me getting the DC from school straight from work, and the time he got home (bearing in mind I left well before him in the morning), I was supposed to see to the DC getting changes, supervise any homework, hoover, dust, tidy up (it wasn't messy) and cook dinner, all in about an hour and a half. Then would complain it wasn't spotless. I even caught him running his finger over surfaces.

Oh, and he'd sit on his arse while I'd be running around sorting bedtimes, lunches for the next day (I never did his, though). He'd time his "anything I can do to help?" carefully at the point there was nothing for him to do.

Been free of him for 3 years now, it's great.

Dirt always win said my neighbour of 89 years old and she is the neatest person I know. You have to do it again every single day. He has to do it with you, until death do us part, don't move a spoon if does not move a fork. All this work might well kill you. You will be replaced in a blink he will play the same old with so new.

Your options are:

1. Stay and find ways to live with his demands.
2. Leave him. Easier said than done I know.
3. Stay but refuse to comply with his demands.

If you decide to try 3, you need to be prepared for the strong possibility it won’t work, or that it’ll work for a while then slide back. You’ll need to be on high-alert for early signs of it sliding back, possibly forever. You need to remain open to the possibility that after all this work you may end up back at 1 or 2. You’ll almost definitely need couples therapy. Honestly, if you were my friend I’d be telling you to leave now whilst you’re still young enough to easily bounce back.

However, if I was planning on trying 3, here’s how I’d do it:

1. I’d finish this last ever deep clean (so that it doesn’t cloud what comes next)
2. I’d make an appointment with a couple’s counsellor for a few days after his return
3. I’d tell him - in a letter if I didn’t think I could keep calm - that I was unhappy and in order to protect my mental health I was unwilling to continue the marriage as it currently stands. However, I loved him and would be over the moon if he’d like to build a new relationship, but would understand if not and work with him to amicably split.
4. If he shows willingness to change (may take a day or so for the shock to wear off) I’d list all the things I was unwilling to do in more detail (using neutral language and using “I” statements where possible, e.g. “I do not want to be responsible for keeping the house spotlessly clean”, “I do not want your Mother involved with cleaning, but I could compromise with a cleaner / monthly deep cleaning company / whatever”, “I want to manage my own time”)
5. Ideally you or him would be able to move out for a couple of months whilst you gave therapy a go, but separate bedrooms if not.

If he tries any gaslighting, threats or manipulation, I’d take that as a sign it’s not going to work and walk way

Actually, I’d avoid using the term “mental health” in case you end up leaving him and he uses it against you. “Wellbeing” is probably a better choice of word...

He absolutely is an abuser.

It isn't by accident that he is older than you.

He likes being the boss of you.
Giving you your instructions long distance.

He's a very nasty man.

I can only imagine the damage this is doing to your poor daughters and the type of abusive relationships that are ahead of them, having grown up within this family model.

It would be wonderful for them if you could see this, and want more for them than you have yourself.

It would break my heart for me to see a daughter of mine in your position.

abuse has nothing to do with smarts. It's an deep and powerful emotional drive and the abuser is often largely unconscious of what and why they do what they do

@rosabug that’s brilliant. So true. I’m keeping that one!

@Goodbadanduglyyyy

I didn’t have any life experience before meeting him really. He was my first proper boyfriend, I had ones that lasted a few weeks before that but they fizzled out.

I’m not defending him at all here by saying this, but he’s not that smart. Surely abusers are smart to a certain extent? He really isn’t that smart.

This was my mistake too, thinking I was smarter than my ex and therefore...he could not be smart enough to to be purposely manipulative. Doesn’t matter if it’s intentional or not, fact is it’s happening. Don’t let your ego think he’s not smart enough to do this to you.

I was also not afraid of my ex and felt bad about hurting him. He was also older than me. Let me tell you, my ex is doing just fine now. He was in actual disbelief when I left, he just could not comprehend that I said I was leaving and did it. He thought I would put up with his shit forever