I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

@VinylDetective I’m not saying she shouldn’t get one! I’m saying that’s not what it’s about. Even if the house is immaculate he will just find other ways to control her.

i agree with regular its about control not cleaning

Would also be saying bollocks to this. If he’s not happy he can fuck off.

Goodbad

re your comment:-

"It’s not just the “cleaning” that is the problem, I don’t trust him either. I mean with other women. I know what to do that’s going to be best for me and my children, it’s just getting it done. It’s a lot easier said than done".

But its also a lot easier than how you are all living now which is under his total control. He has and indeed continues to manipulate you here; you know this is wrong because otherwise too you would not have posted both now and previously. This all takes time to process in your head too and it can take many attempts for people to leave their particular abuser.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

You can seek legal advice and from that leading on to a separation. You only need to give your own self permission to do that.

If there is no trust there is really no relationship either.

This whole thing is about control of you and in turn your kids, not cleaning.

It does really seem like a control issue on behalf of your H.

But at the same time, I don’t see why some of the cleaning can’t be done by a cleaner. Why can’t the cleaner do hoovering, bathroom, kitchen...then You can just do the detailed cleaning that Your H wants - it would actually really help

Does anyone honestly think this man would pay for a cleaning service provider?. I do not (these types tend to be tight fisted as well) and certainly not whilst he has his very own house elf to do that for free.

Reminds me of my ex.

Used to freak out about the house being a shit tip and it was all my fault because I worked 4d a week I should have done it all on my day looking after kids.

Thing was , I did do it on that day, way more than I should have and it was never good enough.

This is why I post this, what you do will never be good enough. What a shame he can't want to come home and just appreciate a family and home.

My divorce is nearly complete 😃

I actually had abit of a reaction to this post OP. My dad worked away at sea and liked the house spotless. My mum had 3 kids and was a childminder and I jusy remmeber the feeling of pure dread when he was due to come home and my mum frantically cleaning. I wouldn't of seen him in 6 months and he'd wake me up shaking me because my wardrobe wasn't perfectly organised. I'm NC with him now. It's horrible for you and the children.

Your husband has been away since June, which is four months - a third of a year! - and instead of counting down the minutes, you're dreading him coming home.

Doesn't that on its own tell you everything you need to know?

Yep. This is controlling behaviour, designed to stress you out.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Does anyone honestly think this man would pay for a cleaning service provider?. I do not (these types tend to be tight fisted as well) and certainly not whilst he has his very own house elf to do that for free.

Of course not. I’d pay for it myself and consider it money well spent to get him off my back.

@LindaEllen

Your husband has been away since June, which is four months - a third of a year! - and instead of counting down the minutes, you're dreading him coming home.

Doesn't that on its own tell you everything you need to know?

Yes yes yes - nail on the head here

The only response to the demands for a show home, leaving you with the children for months on end with no appreciation, the sulking and the "nothing to clean?" comments is a (fabulous) Mumsnet cliché and it goes a little something like this:

"Fuck off to the far side of fuck and, when you get there, fuck off some more."

This is before we even get into the fact he is apparently working away for most of the year and you don't trust him with other women. Is he cheating on you? Did he have another family? Who knows (and do you really care)?

It sounds like he makes your life significantly worse when he's around so perhaps time to make the absence permanent?

OMG. he doesn't want you OP. he wants a housekeeper that 'puts out'.

I would be putting him out with his belongings in a black bin liner. Sorry.

He's away for weeks on end, you think cheating, while you scrub the skirting boards, crying.

Small steps towards leaving him are achievable, even if the big step isn't right now.

Hire a cleaner to do it all for you before he's home. Easy peasy.

Sorry if this has already been asked OP, but why do you suspect him of cheating?

Fuck this, OP. You are staring at your entire life down the line. Is that really what you want?

Dump him and his mother.

@VinylDetective, congratulations - you are this week's winner of the coveted "Wilfully missing the point" award.

Your kids are learning to be you or him, depending on their sexes. Do you want that? Do you want to bring up a son who's controlling, obsessive and not to be trusted? And a daughter who thinks it's okay to find a partner who controls her and makes unreasonable demands?

The longer you stay with him, the more damage is done to your children.

It’s daughters we have and I am worried they are going to copy me, that’s why I need help. My eldest has already made comments such as “are you doing the clean for daddy coming home so he will be happy” and “are we allowed to go in that room because you have cleaned it” or, “do I have to use the other bathroom because you have just cleaned that one”

As embarrassing as it is, and even worse after everything I have said about him. I don’t worry about him physically cheating, but I have seen messages on his phone to ex’s. This was a few years ago, but I have still seen them

Your daughters are already learning and otherwise absorbing a lot of damaging stuff from your relationship with your H.

What would actually cause you to finally say enough and leave your H?. Where is your red line in the sand here if not your H's controlling you over cleaning and he messaging his ex's?. Why do you not worry about his physically cheating?. What happened to you here?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your parents show you a similar example of a relationship?.

OP, that's really hard, my heart goes out to you. But you've already recognised that this behaviour is not normal.

What you need to do now is put together a plan and decide what that first step will be. You know this cannot go on.

It seems like you are starting to open your eyes a little to the damage he's done to you - we often do when we see the effect on our children.

I suspect you've serious thinking to do about your marriage and the problem is, you are just too bloody exhausted with your life responsibilities and his unreasonable demands to even do anything but to fall into bed emotionally and physically exhausted.
You might not be able to think of it now, during this period of doom for his imminent arrival so if that's the case, park it until he leaves again, and when you've got breathing space from him, that's the time to just have a think, research what your financial position would be if you divorced. - It's no harm to find out what your options might be, see if you can do the freedom course, read up a bit about abusive relationships and just use the time he's away to figure things out for yourself a bit.

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@PornStarOvaltini my MIL would throw things out, and I don't just mean rubbish. She doesn't do things on shelves, ornaments, pictures on walls. She thinks they are clutter. In her house everything is put away out of sight, which is fine for her, but is not the way we live. If she was given free rein in our house it would be a lot emptier and would probably involve a skip![/quote]
@ineedaholidaynow😱

Does she make house calls? 😜