I’m dreading my husband coming home

[Goodbadanduglyyyy]

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest

You need to break the cycle OP. If your in contact now just send him a message saying.

Don't expect the house to be to done to your standards. It's done to my standards, which is clean and safe for our family. I suggest if this is not good enough, you do it yourself. I am not entering into a debate, your obsession with cleaning is tiresome and boring.

I’ve had a long day, caring for a poorly relative, work, kids being handfuls and now I’m crying away to clean my one of my bathrooms

I've copied this part from one of your early posts. If this man cared about you, he would hear this and not give a stuff what the house was like.

He is being totally unreasonable and it will never end unless you take a really strong stand.

My approach would be to ask him, you know this is how your cleaning requirements make me feel, why do you think it is acceptable to put that pressure on me?

This seems obsessional on his part, is he like this about other things. He either needs to get some help with this to change or you need to decide of you can live like this. You should be looking forward to him coming home not dreading it. The children must be picking up on all of this too and you need to think about the impact on them.

Why do you even entertain this nonsense? You have far too much on your plate already. Message him back "Sorry, the kids and my job are my priority so you'll have to take us as you find us. I suggest you get over it before you come back or book yourself into a hotel, because I'm not having a grown male sulking around the house for weeks because there's evidence of family life around the place."

Also, if he mentions his mum again, reply "Since she's much better at cleaning to your standards, maybe you should move back with her. Then you wouldn't have to put up with us failing you."

If they are in your area, book a one-off deep clean with www.fantasticservices.com/ the day before he comes home. No stress, job done.

@MoonJelly

I’m not scared of him I wouldn’t say. I think his reaction of being upset about it not being done is the main reason I do it, another reason is me feeling bad for it not being done, and letting him down essentially

If you are dreading him coming home and have been awake all night worrying, you clearly are scared of him. So he is clearly pitching his "upsetness" at a level to make you feel really upset and uncomfortable yourself.

At the very least, you need to recognise that his being upset at a house that is clean to any reasonable standard is his issue alone. I rather suspect that if you simply laughed at him and refused to react or to help he would wind all this down to a major extent. If he doesn't like you going out without him, tell him it is he who is excluding you by his ridiculous actions, and you need to go out to be with normal people.

Yup.

I know you say a cleaning co won't come up to his standards, but why not ask on FB if anyone has a recommendation for a really really totally thorough cleaner who will be able to completely clean to showroom condition, and that you could set to task on specific rooms eg bathroom, kitchen, hallway.
I have a friend who is a cleaner and she has a waiting list of about 2 years (and she isn't cheap) as she is obsessive about 'clean' and everything is to showroom standard. She has sort of house you cannot turn up in jeans that are slightly grubby, you take shoes off in the porch etc. and inside it's like a magazine. She of course has no kids or pets.

I remember this ,you have posted before ?Am I right .Anyway As others have said he needs to pay a Cleaner ,do it himself ,or move out and have a spotless flat.He sounds very controlling TBH. Is he one of these dreadful men on here who think they are "in charge" of everything, and that you have nothing to do while he "works"! Maybe you could go away for a week when he returns .and see how it looks when you return and he has been on his own with two kids! Suggest that to him !

Are you looking forward to seeing him at all?

Some of the ways you describe feeling about his return is the way some victims of dv describe feeling...

Tell him to go fuck himself and get a divorce.
He is controlling and abusive.

Please be careful OP a friends partner started off like this. Gave her check lists and inspected the house when he was home. They’d spend their weekends deep cleaning as her cleaning was never good enough. She burnt herself out with work, cleaning and looking after their 4 children. The abuse became worse after he left his old job and was no longer away for long periods of time. She and the children seemed more settled when he was away as it gave them that break. Him being home eventually did lead to her being controlled and abused. Now social services are involved but she is still very controlled and isolated.

OP you are going to have to nip this in the bud. Tell him to not bother coming home and stay with his mother if he's not happy with the state of the house, he's being utterly controlling and demanding.

He has messaged asking what my plans are this weekend and I have replied none. Usually when I tell him I have no plans, he replies with, nothing to clean?

It’s not just the “cleaning” that is the problem, I don’t trust him either. I mean with other women. I know what to do that’s going to be best for me and my children, it’s just getting it done. It’s a lot easier said than done.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP - it's certainly no way to live. Two things I would think of:

1. Ask him what's the consequence of the house not being to his exact standard? If there's a bit of dust on the skirting board, what does he think will happen? His answer to this might point towards there being an actual MH issue that can be addressed if he wants to.

1. Explain how his standards are making you dread him coming home because you never feel good enough. Any decent DH would realise that he was making your life miserable and realise they're being ridiculous. If he can't see past that, he doesn't love and respect you as much as he should.

My dad was in the Navy and all he wanted to do at the end of a tour was come home and hug his family and take a bath to remove the horrid diesel stink off him from the submarine

You deserve so, so much better than this OP.

I remember you OP from other threads
how can you be unlocked from this situation
He has deliberately locked you in, binded you in and put blinkers on you so you can't see the escape route
there is one you, just need to untie yourself and take off the blinkers

I am so sorry you are living with someone this controlling.
Can you go look on women's aid pages and find some ways to cope.

You can start with little steps. Don't tell him what you are doing.
Don't reply to requests to clean
Don't clean more.
When he comes back go out - do your hair thing, have you time.
You have been doing 2 jobs (parenting and your paid job) while he has been doing one. His return home means it is time for YOU to get a break from working - NOT HIM.

This is just awful. Really disturbing. This is abusive and controlling. Have you not thought about the impact this will have on your kids? It’s going to royally fuck them up. He’s treating you like an inferior.

It doesn't sound like you're happy and it doesn't sound like this relationship has much of a future.

What is your financial situation? Do you own your house? Equity, savings? Do you work full-time?

"Nothing to clean"?? Wow - my response to that would be "well, yes, I do have this divorce lawyer's business card that could do with dusting off"...

All those suggesting a cleaner HE DOESNT WANT A CLEANER. HE WANTS A WAY TO BULLY AND CONTROL HIS WIFE LONG DISTANCE SO SHE DOESNT FORGET HER PLACE. HE IS AN ABUSER.

what does he do generally when youre home do u get a day off do u get time alone

why can he not cope with you going to the hairdressers for a couple of hours

You're going to have to be brave op and face your choices. No one on here will have a magic answer of how to make him 'better' either you accept it or you put an end to it and separate.

@Regularsizedrudy

All those suggesting a cleaner HE DOESNT WANT A CLEANER. HE WANTS A WAY TO BULLY AND CONTROL HIS WIFE LONG DISTANCE SO SHE DOESNT FORGET HER PLACE. HE IS AN ABUSER.

Tough titty. He’d be getting what asks for if it were me, which is a clinically cleaned house but not by me. And shouting doesn’t make you any more credible, btw.