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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m dreading my husband coming home

575 replies

Goodbadanduglyyyy · 07/10/2020 20:14

My husband has been away since June working abroad. He is due home at the weekend.

He is a very clean person and likes things done in a particular way. Put it this way, the house looks like a show home when he is here. Every time he is away at work for a long period of time he always asks me, will the house be nice for me coming home?

The house is never untidy, but it’s his particular kind of clean and i just dread it. I’m literally on my hands and knees getting every skirting board, light switch, door handle cleaned and it takes days. We have 2 young kids and I also work.

He will ask at least once a week while he is away if the house will be nice for him and I just feel massive pressure to have it done. He says “all I ask for is a clean house, nothing else”. But it’s not a normal clean that he likes

I put my foot down last year, I only managed to do half of the house and told him I was exhausted with kids etc and that he would have to finish the rest if he wanted it done. He sulked and the following day he made us both do it and was ordering me around telling me what to clean and how to clean it.

I know this sounds ridiculous.. I just needed to get this off my chest Sad

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 08/10/2020 09:15

So from June to mid January he will only be home for 8 weeks total?

This isn't a marriage at all.

You're a single parent and you're happier when he's not there.

You dont have a husband, you have a Dad.

What on earth is the point of it all?

moose62 · 08/10/2020 09:18

Dealing with your DH long term is one thing but as he is due home I would get a cleaning company to do a blitz the day before he arrives so it looks brilliant and you don't have to stress.

saraclara · 08/10/2020 09:23

@moose62

Dealing with your DH long term is one thing but as he is due home I would get a cleaning company to do a blitz the day before he arrives so it looks brilliant and you don't have to stress.
OP has already said that a cleaning company wouldn't do it to his standards.
TatianaBis · 08/10/2020 09:23

@moose62

Dealing with your DH long term is one thing but as he is due home I would get a cleaning company to do a blitz the day before he arrives so it looks brilliant and you don't have to stress.
So long as he pays for it.
TatianaBis · 08/10/2020 09:24

OP has already said that a cleaning company wouldn't do it to his standards.

Xpost - I think that’s unlikely - depends on the company and the brief. A good company can do it to any standard.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/10/2020 09:26

@PornStarOvaltini if his mother is as bad as he his, would you like your MIL coming into your house and picking holes in the state of your house, even if it is clean to the standard of a normal person. I know I wouldn't. My MIL is a clean freak and she would criticise everything when she went to stay at any of her of DC's houses, but eventually it got too much for everyone, so she was told it was rude and she stopped doing it, apart from the occasional comment which she gets picked up on. I know she may hate our house, because it will never be up to her standards but at least she doesn't say anything.

PornStarOvaltini · 08/10/2020 09:39

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@PornStarOvaltini if his mother is as bad as he his, would you like your MIL coming into your house and picking holes in the state of your house, even if it is clean to the standard of a normal person. I know I wouldn't. My MIL is a clean freak and she would criticise everything when she went to stay at any of her of DC's houses, but eventually it got too much for everyone, so she was told it was rude and she stopped doing it, apart from the occasional comment which she gets picked up on. I know she may hate our house, because it will never be up to her standards but at least she doesn't say anything.[/quote]
If the end result was a house that was cleaned by someone else then I'd be fine with that, yes. I did suggest OP took the kids out. Personally I'd let it wash over me. OP is busy, has kids and a large house. She's no sloven. If her dh wants it cleaned to his high spec & op doesn't want to employ cleaners then, to me, this is the perfect solution @ineedaholidaynow

Dashel · 08/10/2020 09:42

My DH likes things cleaner than I do, it did cause arguments in the early stages as I was a chaos warrior as he put it, it wasn’t a hovel but my storage system would be of the pile form or a shove it a cupboard and a hoover around said piles. He on the other hand would spend hours cleaning his bathroom and buffing each tile.

We talked, argued and talked some more, I argued he was OCD and a neat freak and I didn’t want to spend all weekend cleaning and he argued that he didn’t want to live in a pig sty. We have settled in a happy medium. He does moan occasionally if I have compacted stuff into cupboards and I tell him to rearrange them if he doesn’t like it.

You really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he cares enough to change and get help if he needs to then work through it as a couple.

A caring DH would be mortified to know that he makes his DW feel like you do and would want to change. I don’t think you should automatically leave him but I think you need to talk to him and if he won’t change then do you want your dc to end up like him and for you to feel as you do for the rest of your life?

Original poster
Goodbadanduglyyyy · 08/10/2020 09:53

I’m not scared of him I wouldn’t say. I think his reaction of being upset about it not being done is the main reason I do it, another reason is me feeling bad for it not being done, and letting him down essentially

I don’t want his MIL in my house cleaning, he knows that but still insists on asking her. Her idea of clean is actually worse than his. She is obsessed.

I’ve been abit off with him this morning when he has been messaging, I think he knows I’m not happy.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 08/10/2020 09:58

Do you see though that being “a bit off with him” is just passive aggressive nonsense. You need to TELL him why it’s unreasonable what he is asking. The fact that basically everyone on this thread is telling you how this is controlling behaviour after you’ve been single parenting for months. Are you not taking anything on board? If so, it’s hard to know why you’ve posted. But you won’t solve anything unless you engage in honest, open conversation.

TatianaBis · 08/10/2020 10:05

Do you have a problem with meekness in general OP? It’s hard to fathom why you can’t stand up to your DH.

Are you afraid of losing him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2020 10:06

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

So you are afraid both of him and his reaction then. All the words you write are words that an abused person would write.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up; did you see your mother get treated like this or similarly by your dad?. What sort of an example did they show you?. Is this what you envisaged for yourself as a young adult; to have to clean to some person's exacting and unrealistic standards. Your H and for that matter his mother (she has done him an awful lot of harm here too) will not change, all you can do is change how you react. Doing the same old as before will give you the same old result.

Bubblebu · 08/10/2020 10:06

I have not read the thread but your first post OP sounds exactly like my ex husband was. I literally used to drive home from work during my lunch hour when my two children were 6 months and 18 months old at nursery - in order to hang the washing out on the washing line because my ex husband did not like me using the tumble dryer (too expensive).

Eventually he cheated on me during a 2 year affair at the end of our marriage and left me for her - he is now married to her with a 15 month old new baby.

Mark my words the indignation and humiliation of me having done all that hard work only for him to fuck off with someone else still grates 6 years on.

Get rid of your husband - there is a chance he will get rid of you first if you do not. xx

VinylDetective · 08/10/2020 10:06

@waitrosetrollydolly

Personally I would reiterate if cleaning is the first thing on his mind then you should book him in for a full STD check as he's obviously not been faithful.
Here we go. MN at its absolute worst. What a nest of vipers this is.

Just have the place professionally cleaned by a company that specialises in end of tenancy cleans. There’s no standard they won’t meet, they’re as obsessive as your husband, OP.

The answer to every message/checklist/request for pictures is “The house will be immaculate on your return” repeated ad nauseum. If, as I suspect, he is military he may well be suffering from some kind of stress related illness and this is how it’s manifesting itself. The need to control the things you can when everything else is out of your control is a very common symptom.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/10/2020 10:07

@PornStarOvaltini my MIL would throw things out, and I don't just mean rubbish. She doesn't do things on shelves, ornaments, pictures on walls. She thinks they are clutter. In her house everything is put away out of sight, which is fine for her, but is not the way we live. If she was given free rein in our house it would be a lot emptier and would probably involve a skip!

TatianaBis · 08/10/2020 10:08

Just have the place professionally cleaned by a company that specialises in end of tenancy cleans. There’s no standard they won’t meet, they’re as obsessive as your husband, OP.

Yup. You ask a good cleaning to do something, you pay them, they do it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2020 10:09

Did you cancel or otherwise change your hair appointment?. I hope you did not do this; that would merely hand over more power and control to him.

You are in a gilded 4 bedroom cage and a gilded cage is still a cage.

valtandsinegar · 08/10/2020 10:10

What an arsehole. You are carrying the entire mental load and he gets to just check up on you from afar like he's your remote manager? Fuck that.

I would understand it slightly more if you were a stay at home parent, but you're working full time as well as running the kids around, managing the house admin and doing all the cooking and cleaning on your own!

What exactly is he contributing other than bringing home a wage? He should be thanking you profusely for holding everything together and facilitating him working away, not nitpicking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2020 10:12

This is not about cleaning as such; he is about wanting absolute power and control over the OP and the nature of their relationship is abusive. And he can and indeed has managed to control her from afar.

And such a man I daresay would not entertain the idea of getting any cleaning company in, certainly not whilst he has his house elf/slave to do it in his absence.

Noidea2114 · 08/10/2020 10:14

Unfortunately you have enabled him to make you clean to his unreasonable standard.
Text him and say the home is clean to your standard and if he doesn't like it tell him to stay away.
Don't under any circumstances let your mil in it is your house as well.
He is NOT your boss.

Songsofexperience · 08/10/2020 10:21

I think the OP needs to understand first of all what is keeping her in that relationship. Unlock it from the inside so to speak. She seems very self aware but i detect a deep fear.

Dashel · 08/10/2020 10:35

You need to directly tell him that you are dreading him coming home and it has reduced you to tears and that you are exhausted and need a break and that involves him supporting you and what you need. It doesn’t involve his mother and it’s your home as well so he doesn’t get to have things his way.

If you can’t talk to him then email him and tell him you can’t cope and are now questioning whether you want this marriage or not but if you do want to stay married then things need to change immediately.

He is letting you down and not the other way around. You cope without him for the vast majority of the year, he gets days off and you don’t at all. He should be looking after you to give you a rest when he gets back from his child free existence whilst he is abroad.

Please start to stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel, if he loves you he will want to make things better and if he doesn’t then he isn’t worth having. You can’t stay like this indefinitely.

SpaceOP · 08/10/2020 10:35

OP, can I ask - I assume that on a day to day basis you are doing normal cleaning? It's not like you leave the house dirty until the days before he returns home?!

I remember your previous post. and he is ridiculously controlling. When DH has been away I would absolutely make an effort to ensure that the house was clean and tidy on his return, and he'd do the same for me, but to a "normal" level which really just means that maybe I'd vacuum the day before he gets back when perhaps I'd usually do it the following day or whatever and on the day I'd make sure that breakfast dishes had been cleared away immediately, surfaces wiped, lounge tidied etc so that there isn't that chaos as he walks in the door. But then, my daily cleaning levels and DH's daily cleaning levels are similar.

Don't even consider cancelling your hair appointment. if my DH had been away for 4 months he'd be begging me to spend a day out without him and the kids so that a) I get a break and b) he could spend time with the DC>

MoonJelly · 08/10/2020 11:16

I’m not scared of him I wouldn’t say. I think his reaction of being upset about it not being done is the main reason I do it, another reason is me feeling bad for it not being done, and letting him down essentially

If you are dreading him coming home and have been awake all night worrying, you clearly are scared of him. So he is clearly pitching his "upsetness" at a level to make you feel really upset and uncomfortable yourself.

At the very least, you need to recognise that his being upset at a house that is clean to any reasonable standard is his issue alone. I rather suspect that if you simply laughed at him and refused to react or to help he would wind all this down to a major extent. If he doesn't like you going out without him, tell him it is he who is excluding you by his ridiculous actions, and you need to go out to be with normal people.

Oldbutstillgotit · 08/10/2020 11:19

OP when I read about the lists it rang a huge bell partly because my DSD’s H is the same . He doesn’t work away ( sadly) but he hands DSD a To -Do list virtually every day PLUS time it should take her to do it !
My DH her DM and I have all spoken to her but she just says if she doesn’t do it the atmosphere and shouting will be unbearable .
Unfortunately what is now happening is that he is now starting on their DC so they are miserable .
Don’t set that bad example . I know you are overwhelmed and this has been going on for years but - for your DC you must stand up to him. Good luck .