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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me - I can’t cope

99 replies

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 03:10

My partner is emotionally abusing me every time he’s drunk.

I’ve ended up on anti depressants, my daughter is struggling and anxious and I’m just begging him to make it right and not do this and he’s just more and more nasty.

I know what I have to do but I’m just a shell of the strong independent woman that I was and I’m just not strong enough to cope

OP posts:

Fortunategirl · 07/10/2020 03:17

Do you have any support system? Anyone who can come and help. Friends or family? The fact you’re posting on here is a good start. You know you have to get away from him. What’s your financial situation? Can you get him to leave?

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 03:19

I’m in his house. It’s not violent - all verbal and I need to be strong but I can’t cope with it all and what I’ve become

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 07/10/2020 03:21

Are you working? Would you be able to stay with family?

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 03:25

I am working. I have a house but one of my best friends is in it and happy there and I’m letting everyone down and upsetting them.

I want to be angry, strong and dignified but I just wish for a miracle and I know I’m pathetic

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 03:29

I’ve been trying to do the right thing and he’s such a nice guy to everyone else - why not me? I’m a good and intelligent person usually and I used to be so strong

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 03:36

He was videoing me again begging him over and over to stop doing it to me and throwing in comments like ‘please don’t stab me’ and making up other threats that I was making when I was just begging and crying. He called me mental and crazy and said everything from him was a lie and being mean about my daughter. How did I let this all happen?

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 07/10/2020 03:40

It's good you have the job. Tell the friend who is renting from you and see if you can stay there with your DC for awhile.
Don't worry about these other people. They'll get by.
You and your DD are in a dire situation so put you and DD first!
Let mama bear instinct kick in and do what you must to get away from him.
Keep it in your mind that you're protecting her, to get you through the hard parts.
You can do this!!

Onthemaintrunkline · 07/10/2020 03:41

Because he’s two-faced, simple as that. Others see the person who’s making an effort, you’re seeing the real deal, the one who makes no effort at all.....and it doesn’t sound much fun to be around. For you and your daughters sake you need to be somewhere that’s enjoyable, peaceful and feels right. If you cannot house share with your friend in your house then it’s time she found somewhere new. You know you need to leave where you currently are ASAP. You can be the woman you were, it’ll happen soon enough once you leave him and his nasty invasive nasty personality.

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 03:46

She needs stability. We signed a contract and legally with covid I have to give six months notice even if I could break it. I can’t afford anywhere else and my daughter has her own anxiety issues at the moment and I can’t bear losing a friend or upsetting my daughter more. I also can’t cope with this - if he was nice to me in the morning I’d be back into it like a shot and it’s just humiliating.

I know he’ll have fallen asleep within 5 minutes of me leaving the room and he’ll just go to work in the morning and be normal while I’m in this world of pain and needing to let work down too.

We’d only just had sex as well - I just asked him a question as he’d apparently fallen asleep and all this happened

OP posts:

Turtletotem · 07/10/2020 04:01

Talk to your friend who rents your house. Tell her what's happening. Well done for knowing you need to get out and change things, that makes you a strong woman. You can and are doing this.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/10/2020 04:15

Give notice in your house and get out. Put your dd first, before your friend.

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 04:15

I’m so pathetic.

I got divorced over 16 years ago and was pretty much single apart from just some dating until I met him and it was a total fairytale.

I just want it back. I’ve never been not able to fix things or try hard to make them better and I’d give anything for him just to stop doing this when I know it’s stupid.

He even had me arrested the night before my birthday as he was being awful and I was begging him and just held his arm to stop him walking away but he bruises super easily and he showed them and they took me away but no further action.

It was then that I had a breakdown and ended up on tablets and seeking counselling.

What is wrong with me and why can’t I find my backbone.

Thank you all so much for being kind x

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 04:16

Oh god, I can hear him snoring and he’ll be sleeping soundly every night while I’m tearing my heart out

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 04:17

I can’t. We have an agreement and with covid I now have to give six months notice too

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 04:20

I nearly moved out a couple of weeks ago but my daughter is very anxious and struggled with the idea of all the upheaval and now I have to do it anyway

OP posts:

Onthemaintrunkline · 07/10/2020 04:34

You sound all over the place m’love. What one human being can do to another huh. Stop begging HIM to make it right, YOU make it right by moving back to your house! Cut all ties, look I’m not over your side of the world and unsure what this ‘agreement and not moving for 6 mths is all about’ but if you are in danger, and reading your posts - you sound very distressed, ring the police. You shouldn’t, nobody should be living like this, it’s not ok. Make it ok for you and your daughter by leaving, you have a job, you have a house, walk out and don’t look back. Run towards the light, what this is doing your mental health is worrying. You shouldn’t be taking AD’s just to cope with living with him. Go, just go.

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 04:51

I know, you’re right x

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 07/10/2020 05:45

He's not two faced, he's an abusive man who think he can control and manipulate the op.

He only does it to the op because he has spent time gaslighting and grooming her to accept it, and needs to be the "perfect" partner to the outside so no one believes her.

We believe you op. You need to leave. You mention this happens when he is drunk, you know this isn't the fault of the alcohol right? This is who he is, the alcohol makes it harder to hide, but he is an abuser, drunk or sober.

I nearly moved out a couple of weeks ago but my daughter is very anxious and struggled with the idea of all the upheaval and now I have to do it anyway

I think you will find after the initial move, her anxiety will settle somewhat... she knows that you are being abused, so her anxiety will be awful because of it. She is probably "waiting" for her "turn" at the end of his abuse (if she isn't already a victim)

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 05:48

Oh god. I’ve had no sleep and I need to deal with all this and he’s fast asleep and will just go off to work happy as anything and still be in his home with his adult kids and all his things around him while we need to rebuild our lives and selves and disrupt people around us.

This is just fricking unbearable and feels beyond me

OP posts:

Joistlooking · 07/10/2020 05:57

He will not change unless HE wants to and I would guess that he doesn't. Your original post could have been written by someone very close to me a year ago. The drink, the abuse, the 'he's not violent just verbally abusive.
THEN
It escalated alarmingly, he became violent and ended up in the cells. Do not let it get this far, get you and your DC to safety before one or both of you get hurt. Be brave.

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 06:08

I know what I have to do. It’s just so shit and I’m scared x

OP posts:

justthecat · 07/10/2020 06:08

Can you use the rent you are getting from your house to find somewhere for you and your daughter ? Give your friend the notice to leave your house in the mean time.

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 06:13

I’m hoping we can stay with my friend that has two spare rooms so at least my daughter can have her own space. Just need to wait for a more acceptable time to call her x

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 07/10/2020 06:17

@HelpMePlease74

I know what I have to do. It’s just so shit and I’m scared x

Of course you are. I sympathise, I am trying to leave myself and I am scared too. But like you, I have to think of my daughters. Their needs come first.

Give notice on your home, and seek advise from woman's aid or similar. They may be able to find you a place to go until you can go to your home again. You never know, your friend may move on sooner, but it's best to give notice now, then you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

Well done on keeping your home. Wise move.

You know this isn't right, otherwise why are up at 5am with it all swirling in your head? Good men don't fall asleep while their partners are falling apart.

Original poster

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 06:18

You are right, I know. Do you have your plan in place? x

OP posts:

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