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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me - I can’t cope

99 replies

HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 03:10

My partner is emotionally abusing me every time he’s drunk.

I’ve ended up on anti depressants, my daughter is struggling and anxious and I’m just begging him to make it right and not do this and he’s just more and more nasty.

I know what I have to do but I’m just a shell of the strong independent woman that I was and I’m just not strong enough to cope

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 07/10/2020 06:28

@HelpMePlease74

I’m hoping we can stay with my friend that has two spare rooms so at least my daughter can have her own space. Just need to wait for a more acceptable time to call her x
Good luck.
differentnameforthis · 07/10/2020 06:33

@HelpMePlease74

You are right, I know. Do you have your plan in place? x
I do... struggling with finding somewhere to go though! I have "left" in mind & emotionally, but still waiting for home...
oatmilk4breakfast · 07/10/2020 06:39

Good luck today. Everything will feel harder because of no sleep do just for today no negative self talk....you get enough of that from him. You’re understandably scared but be a really good friend to yourself today while you do this super hard thing. And keep focussed on the end goal. Getting out. Totally ignore the man. I’m so sorry he’s not what you thought he was. This is not a relationship gone wrong this is you escaping an abusive manipulator. Well done! X

Original poster
HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 07:47

I’m up and dressed and about to go to my Mum’s. I’m going to call me friend on the way and see if we can stay there but leave my daughter here to work from home as usual while I plan and then just come back to talk to her and pack what we need for a week or so while I get my head around things a bit.

That sounds okay for a start yeah?

PS My daughter is safe here for til mid afternoon x

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 07/10/2020 08:10

yes, it will be easier for her & you if you do this first step alone. She is safe, so can be left.

Good luck!

RantyAnty · 07/10/2020 08:18

So happy to hear you're leaving.
You can do this. You'll be amazed at how much calmer you'll feel after being away from him.

Onthemaintrunkline · 07/10/2020 08:20

Good on you, onwards and upwards now. So proud of your courage.
All the very best.

Original poster
HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 09:11

Got to my Mum’s and was crying in the car over the road and a lovely woman stopped and asked if I was okay and said some lovely things to me. Just hope the pain passes quickly as it’s so hard. Thank you all x

OP posts:
WorrierorWarrior · 07/10/2020 09:34

Well done. Hope all goes well with your DM
People in my life made me think everyone hated me and I was useless, I got away from those people and now I am different and people are so nice to me at times. It shocks me that I was stupid enough to put up with that and how I did not see through it.
Life is better without that type around us

Original poster
HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 09:46

I hope so. I’m just in such emotional pain and need it to pass. Well done to you for moving onwards and upwards. Really hope I feel better about things and myself soon like you do x

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 07/10/2020 09:56

@HelpMePlease74

Oh god. I’ve had no sleep and I need to deal with all this and he’s fast asleep and will just go off to work happy as anything and still be in his home with his adult kids and all his things around him while we need to rebuild our lives and selves and disrupt people around us.

This is just fricking unbearable and feels beyond me

Do you live together or does he have his own place?
Onthemaintrunkline · 07/10/2020 10:00

You will feel better in time, this is the most stressful part, the actual leaving bit.
Remembering how awful it’s become living with him, this will hopefully keep you focused and enable you to continue to strive for a better life for you and your daughter. You deserve it.

Original poster
HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 10:15

I moved into his place just over a year ago

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 07/10/2020 10:42

@ HelpMePlease74

My heart goes out to you and your DD Flowers

You are doing the right thing leaving.

You will feel anxious and upset while you're organizing where you are going to live, packing up and actually leaving, but you will both feel so much better when you no longer have this monster abusing you both.

Please be careful and make sure you take someone else with you when you go to get your DD and your belongings so that you have a witness to stop him abusing you or trying to stop you from leaving.

Stay safe and we'll be thinking about you. x

Original poster
HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 15:50

I’m doing it but I’m in bits! we’re currently packing what we need for a couple of weeks. My daughter is so upset at the sudden upheaval so I need to get her settled and online asap. Thamk you xx

OP posts:
justthecat · 07/10/2020 16:19

Good luck 💐💐

wobblywinelover · 07/10/2020 16:23

This sounds awful OP hope you manage to get away from him. Do be careful this is where he will try to manipulate you into staying and could potentially get physically violent. Keep you and your daughter safe, best of luck with it all

KittCat · 07/10/2020 16:36

Good luck op, you can do this!

Dery · 07/10/2020 18:05

"I’m doing it but I’m in bits! we’re currently packing what we need for a couple of weeks. My daughter is so upset at the sudden upheaval so I need to get her settled and online asap. Thamk you xx"

OP - you are marvellous. You are in bits and you are still managing to do what you know you need to do. You don't feel strong right now but believe us all - you are showing incredible strength. You are doing absolutely the right thing. The upheaval may upset your daughter briefly but you cannot continue in a relationship in which you need ADs to keep going. Stay with your mum or move back into your house with your friend. You and your DD are fleeing domestic abuse. Your friend cannot possibly expect you to remain in that situation. She will understand the situation.

As to how he has done this to you: you may find it interesting to read "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head" by Don Hennessy. Btw: it's very typical of abusers to be nice to everyone else.

As PP have touched on - be prepared for him to try all kinds of manipulative tactics to get you back, up to and including threats of suicide. Keep away from him. Remember - this is the man who destroyed your spirit. You've only lived with him for a year and he has already turned you into a shadow of your former self and had you on ADs trying to maintain the relationship. Just think about that.

You cannot fix him and even if you could, it's not your job to fix him. He won't kill himself but if he does try any such threats - tell him that you will be ringing for an ambulance to send it to his house. And if necessary do just that.

Huge well done to you for getting away, OP. What a great example for your DD. Get as much support as you can in real life. And keep posting here for support.

WorrierorWarrior · 07/10/2020 18:26

HI OP Another thing to do to help with what @Dery has said. Try to communicate only with him by text or email so that there is written proof of any threats to you DD or himself. This is more likely to prove to others what a piece of work he is.

Original poster
HelpMePlease74 · 07/10/2020 23:39

I’ve got me and DD settled with my lovely friend. We had a curry and a little red wine and after zero sleep last night, I’m very tired and not missing his coming up at 2am and putting the TV on loudly and then snoring. Sure I’m on a slight high and there will be lows but even mu daughter seems okay and hopeful as it will be much better than being there.

Also my tenant sent me a lovely message saying she was already looking for another property as I need to get us home.

I’m very lucky with those things and also for having the brains to reach out to all of you especially at 3am today when I was falling apart.

Love and thanks to you all xx

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 07/10/2020 23:45

A good nights sleep will help you, you're amazing and brave x

Onthemaintrunkline · 08/10/2020 01:00

So pleased things are falling into place for you. I know by your posts how frightening this move has been for you, but here you are you’ve done it, good on you! These coming weeks and months will be challenging as you face the adjustments, but not nearly as challenging as staying with him. Wishing you all the luck in the world, stay strong, you’re doing great.

JamieLeeCurtains · 08/10/2020 01:29

I'd just like to add my best wishes, OP Flowers

Turtletotem · 08/10/2020 02:20

Wow you are amazing and an inspiration to others, fast work and you're out! Hope you are sleeping better tonight.

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