DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

Sorry but you need to dump this loser.
He is using you and you're letting it happen.
Just break up with him.
You shouldn't let anyone treat you so badly.

Of course, Zaphod, but I disagree with the point pictish was making that the tone of the thread has been unhelpful. I think it has been pretty balanced and a lot of people have made supportive suggestions. Yeah, there's been some less than constructive stuff too, but this is MN and I think the ratio of good to bad has been remarkably good for a thread that has run for more than 800 posts.

If OP does come back, I hope she will tell us more about the relationship, her partner's good points, etc. I must say that nothing about her tone has suggested to me that she loves him, or even likes him very much, but habit can be a very powerful thing!

I don’t think the tone of the thread is off putting. I reckon the thread has given op a lot to think about.

Nobody has ever LTB due to an MN thread. The LTB’s give the OP perspective, a perspective she does not have due to being so deep in the situation that it’s her normal.

When I was in a very clearly LTB & run situation, I didn’t even when told to by MN, but it gave me food for thought and was a step towards LTB.

I think it’s important to be honest when reading these posts. OP’s probably have loads of RL friends and family pretending everything is fine as they don’t want to fall out with OP by telling her the truth.

The fact that the P in this case let himself into OP’s house after being asked not to really gives me the creeps about this man. He’s riding rough shod over all OP’s boundaries and being quite belligerent and provocative. I’d be afraid of having him in my house. Why’d his previous relationship breakdown I wonder.

I agree that the vast majority of posters have been supportive of the OP, but wanting to help her see what's going on. It really is concerning that her boyfriend is going into her house when she's asked him not to.

It's called tough love/being cruel to be kind. Sometimes strangers online are able to say things that someone in RL isn't able to say or even doesn't know.

My DSis didn't tell us the full story of how her XH was treating her, and when she finally told us after they had separated, she was still defending him. And she got upset when we expressed our anger at what he had been doing to her. (She certainly can see the truth now, years later, now she's in a happy marriage.)

If an online poster is able to tell a DV abuse victim the truth and help them to leave earlier, then that's well worth it.

That must be why she is still posting...because it’s all so supportive.

@pictish you have no idea why OP stopped posting. You’re just speculating.

Mmm...

That must be why she is still posting...because it’s all so supportive.

in your opinion 🌺

It is supportive.

Just not supportive in the way OP wants.

The vipers are never going to say, of course this is normal and healthy behaviour. You’ve got to understand he’s a man with a manly appetite and needs to be taken care of. Never mind your children or you, you must surrender yourself to whatever your man wants. You have to feed him, or he’ll leave you. And make sure you’re always well dressed with a face full of make up and ready to drop your knickers when he wants. Otherwise it’s your fault if he loses interest/get angry/sulks/beats the shit out of you.

Yes some pp get frustrated when OP mither and are indecisive or want to fix themselves as the amazing P who’s a great dad (they are always without exception great dads), can not be at fault so it must be something she’s doing.

It does help actually to read the horrified responses.

OP may not come back to this thread, but she knows now that people do not think this is normal and many many women would not put up with it, and she doesn’t have to either.

She doesn’t need to break up with her P immediately. I hope she works up to it though. She sounds really lovely and very accommodating and easy going. She deserves so much better.

On that we are agreed.

The OP may feel totally shattered after a week of working and looking after her kids while being ill. Maybe, she needed to just catch up on rest or is busy with her children. In any case, it often takes a while for things to sink in and to process. So, stop haranguing posters that have been very direct and vocal about her boyfriend being a total shyster. No redeeming features were mentioned and when you are being manipulated and gaslit - it is just the kind of eyeopener people need to see what is right in front of them. Plus, it is precisely these kinds of threads that actually are really beneficial to others in similar situations who may have felt some vague niggle.

Krampusasbabysitter

Well said

@pictish

That must be why she is still posting...because it’s all so supportive.

You are determined to pain us as the bad guys, aren't you?

Well, we aren't! Op's partner is, and there could be a myriad of reasons that she isn't posting.

There is nothing new to say
She is processing
She is busy with her kids
She is at work
She is exhausted by it all
or simply that she needs a break from the realisation that she is in a crap relationship. When you have just discovered this you need time to process and don't want to be explaining and reading about it 24/7.

I believe when we help a poster open their eyes to what they are living with and realise it is abusive, that we ARE helping. That is something the op gets to decide, not you. Not any other poster. If op has left, that is OK too. But you carry on calling us out... personally, it's not going to stop me helping.

*paint

I agree that the advice available on MN is a genuine service to women who may not realise that they have found themselves in an abusive relationship.

Got so many years, women were told that they had 'made their bed and would now have to lie on it' that women were indeed really only on this planet in order to serve men. That men's needs were somehow greater or more important than women's.

Legislation has caught up with equal rights. Women no longer need to have mortgage agreement signed bu a man. Women's tax returns are no longer automatically sent to their husbands. Many advances have been made.

Inequality lingers on, mainly in the expectations of women, who have learned from sub-optimal role models. I see the vipers of MN a welcome and much needed counterbalance. Long may it continue.

It’s really not on that people expect others to keep coming back to update— it’s not a forum equivalent of Eastenders. If someone feels they want to post they will— if they don’t then that’s fine too—

OP, I hope you're feeling better and had a good weekend.

You've probably just got a cold, but fatigue is one of the common early symptoms of Covid19, so it's possible you have caught the virus. (Not saying that to be alarmist, just mentioning it in case you need to get a test and/or your children or other relatives might be vulnerable.)

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you start to put the needs of yourself and your DC first, now that you realise how much your "partner" has been taking advantage of you. Good partnerships involve fairness and consideration on both sides. Take care OP.

@droopyears I hope you had a good weekend and things have resolved/improved.

Hi, sorry I’ve not posted, I took the weekend to just have some time and think things over. I’m not quite ready to LTB - my youngest DC is very attached to him and despite this thread, he does have some redeeming qualities.

However.

I didn’t see DP over the weekend (I wanted time and he had his DC). He wanted to come over tonight so I agreed. He turned up, along with his console (he got a new game at the weekend and wanted to play). Youngest DC upstairs, oldest DC watching DP play in lounge, me in kitchen making dinner.

DC: Can I have a game with you?
DP: I’m in career mode so I don’t want to leave it to play another match
DC: You played with your DC at the weekend, can’t we have one game?
DP: That’s the reason I don’t want a game, I didn’t get a chance to play on my own at the weekend
Me (from kitchen): Ah play one game with DC, you can play your ones all night
DP: No I want to play career mode
Me: Don’t be miserable, play a game with DC!
DP: I want to play career mode, I’ll just go home shall I?
Me: If you want! (Joking around)

DP then packs up his console, shouts bye to my youngest up the stairs, and opens the front door.

Me: Are you actually going home?
DP: You told me too
Me: I was joking
DP: I don’t give a shit

He then walks out the front door and I’ve heard nothing since. I can’t actually believe that rather than play one game with my DC he would rather go home.

Although he can be a bit stroppy or moody, he wouldn’t normally flounce out the house in a tantrum. I won’t be texting him, I’m horrified that he has behaved this way, and in front of my eldest too

His redeeming features must be incredible

What a dick! Start thinking about what you want in life and if you want to deal with a man child

What the hell do you want people to tell you? We all know he’s an arsehole already. The only person who hasn’t realised is you.

So he came round to yours to play his game when you cooked his dinner?
And then when you asked him to play nicely and share he had a tantrum and went home.

Fgs get rid!

I can’t actually believe that rather than play one game with my DC he would rather go home.

I can't actually believe that after all that you still say you aren't ready to break up with him...

He's horrible. And immature. And selfish. And fundamentally unkind.

He makes your children feel sad and doesn't, as he charmingly puts it, give a shit.

His game was more important than you and your sons, even when he was a guest in your home.

Raise your bar, please, this is madness!