DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

He’s an arsehole-take this time and really consider whether he brings any joy into your life at all. It doesn’t sounds like it to me. Plus it costs you cash as well!

@Itisbetter

Am I the only one who wishes they could give OP a hug, and make her dinner?

Yes, it is so overwhelming when you read a thread and know that everybody thinks yr relationship is shit.

Have you ever even asked him to participate in the food costs, cooking, tidying ? He is emptying your cupboards. Most children don't even do that without asking.

Basically have become his mother

Here's a video on how to change your locks, you can order them on amazon, ebay, etc. It's really easy and cheap to do.

I guess there's quite a lot of 'allowing' going on.
You allow him to come over whether you really want it or not.
You allow him to eat whatever food he likes. He's allowed to come in with his own key.
He has free run of your house. It's like a nice place to go when he's sick of his real mother.
If you don't make yourself clear to him, he is only going to be confused by your reactions. There's no point being angry behind his back because he'll have no idea what he's done wrong because everything he did was accepted by you up to this point.

You can manage him out of your life by being moody, going off to your kids' rooms or making comments and excuses or you can directly address it directly. Either might work, but he may well be fairly resistant to 'hints'.

There are benefits in having a man about the place, but his role in your household is more like that of an eldest and privileged son who can treat the place like a hotel. That's what appears to have worked for you both so far. These are just patterns of responding people fall into.

Totting up what he actually costs you month by month is a great idea. It shouldn't be necessary for an adult human to be confronted with those costs in order to resolve they should be contributing.

Unless, of course, they are more than happy to have someone else subsidise them. Even maybe consider that your purpose is to provide a good life for him

Wouldn't it be informative (though clearly impossible) to hear his ex's version of their life together.

"I did receive texts around dinner time which to me felt like I was being guilt tripped. Why don't you want me over tonight? I've done nothing wrong. You're always so sensitive etc. I said that I need some space for a few days and I was basically told that I was being ridiculous and I've been ignored ever since"

Wow.
Just have a good think about that, hes telling you that you expressing a need to have what you need as an individual person is unreasonable and unacceptable to him.

He also disrespected your space by letting himself into your house. And it is YOUR house, not his. You need to get that key back until hes clear on where the boundaries are between him and you, both as people and as your stuff not being his stuff.

felt like I was being guilt tripped. Why don't you want me over tonight? I've done nothing wrong. You're always so sensitive etc. I said that I need some space for a few days and I was basically told that I was being ridiculous and I've been ignored ever since

You are being guilt-tripped! And manipulated.

I think it's really chilling that he just let himself into your house after you saying you didn't want him there and that you would drop the item off. Hes making a very big statement there

Exactly.

Change your locks (because even if you get the key back, you have no guarantee he hasn't had it copied) and also text him saying you don't want him in your home without an express invitation- and certainly not when you aren't there.

He sounds cuntier every time you post.

Doesn't he just!

I did receive texts around dinner time

There you go - around dinner time.

It takes time to come around. I used to post on this forum about my relationship with my XP. People told me I had to end it, for my own good. I spent about a year going 'yes, but...' and putting up with his behaviour. Eventually....eventually I found the energy and strength and determination to end it, but only in my own time.

OP isn't going to end her relationship just because we can all see what a tosser she's with. Presumably she loves the bloke and he must have good points. She posted in frustration about him eating all the food. Everyone is then aghast at how awful he is, and she may see that, but rationalise it.

People end relationships in their own time, is what I mean. We can't slate OP if she's not instantly telling him never to come round again and changing the locks.

OP - I hope you are starting to feel better. And I do wish I could give you a hug and cook you a meal.

"OP isn't going to end her relationship just because we can all see what a tosser she's with."

Actually a lot of posters aren't saying that, they're saying she needs to redraw firmly the reasonable boundaries and expectations that he's managed to completely obliterate in small stages.

really hoping he hasnt turned up tonight as he 'gave her (grudging and ridiculous) space yesterday.

You see you are allowed to have a night off from him, without him having a strop. Its allowed. in fact its healthy. You are allowed to just want to spend time with your kids, LIKE HE DOES.

You are allowed to ask him to contribute to food, or to just serve up egg and beans on toast if thats what you are cooking, without him having a huff.

My DP of 18 years lives seperately. in usual times he comes over 3 nights a week, gets us a takeaway on one of them, whatever I fancy. Has never complained about a meal, has always thanked me. He pays for all of the Christmas shop. When I go on holiday without him and take my DD and our DS he pays for DS and gives a good wodge for going out money. He knocks even though he has a key. If Im tired and cant face socialising, or have something else on, he doesnt have a sulk. Equally there are times he doesnt fancy going out of an evening.

If we go out, he pretty much always pays. Even if its all 4 of us. And even as a DP he pays maintanance for DS

Respect is knocking on or asking if its ok to come around even if you have a key if you dont live in the same house.

OP, I hope you are having a lovely evening whatever you are doing. I'm sure the last few days have been eye opening and overwhelming. Take it easy and look after yourself

"Ive done nothing wrong" - just says it all.
No concern or help when you were ill
Turning up uninvited and eating you out of house and home without any contribution
Demanding whilst you are eating that you stop and cook for him instead
No effort to help with anything
Letting himself into your house (twice) without asking
The worst one Taking his annoyance out on your youngest child to get back at you.
and not one word of apology, only guilt tripping and telling you that you're wrong.
A normal person would at least show a grain of concern for upsetting you, would want to know more about why you are upset and how they could fix it or would at least apologise and say it was not with the intention of upsetting you. I'm cross on your behalf OP you deserve better.
He says none of these things. So what does that say? That he doesn't give a damn if it upsets you or not. You are inconveniencing The Great I Am. You are ridiculous and oversensitive because you owe him and you are not currently doing exactly what he wants.
It doesn't even cross his mind that he could remotely be in the wrong to be a sulky lazy arse sponger demanding all of your time, attention and resources for himself. No, in his mind you are the problem.
Is this going to get any better.
I'd change the locks, put a chain on the door and catch him out when he next tries to creepily let himself in without even knocking.
I hope you get the space and calm you need to work out where you want to go with this and if you do decide to continue with him, talk it through with a relationship guidance person where he can't talk nonsense.

Definitely change the lock.

Pull together anything of his stuff he’s left there, leave it by the door in a bin bag, hand it over when he rocks up. Or leave it outside, whichever you prefer.

Hope you are OK OP? Can't be easy to read some of these replies.

That’s because people are pretty much telling her that her relationship of four years is shit, to end it without delay and anything less is not acceptable. She probably doesn’t want to come back here and have to justify why she hasn’t - even though no one in their right mind would instantly ditch their partner on the say so of a bunch of people on mumsnet who don’t know a fraction of the whole story.

A LTB pile on scares people away. Who knew?

pictish We can only respond to the information we have. I, and other pp, asked the OP what her partner's good points are (in the hope of getting a more balanced picture), and she has been notably reluctant to tell us, so if the advice has been skewed towards LTB it's only because there's nothing to make anyone draw the opposite conclusion. I think there's been a lot of thoughtful, empathetic advice on here and characterising it as an angry pile-on is not really fair to the posters who have actually tried to help the OP.

Has he reappeared this weekend OP? Hope you've been able to set some proper ground rules

jimmy - and there’s a lot of of ‘change the locks’ too.

Eh aye ok then. I’ll just call a locksmith now.

He sounds like a right sponger. Hope you’re OK, OP.

It's not a huge deal to call a locksmith. I did it this week for a non-LTB reason and it was done and dusted within a few hours of my calling. And I do think the OP should consider changing at least one lock, because her partner let himself into her home while she wasn't there, despite having been told not to come round. Do you think that's ok behaviour?

The point is though JimmyJabs - WE might think it's not OK behaviour and have changed the locks the second the sponging bastard was out of the house, but it's not up to us.

If OP loves him, she might need to take longer to come around to the fact that she needs to get him out. He must have SOME good points or she wouldn't have kept him around for four years. And even if he doesn't have one, single redeeming characteristic, it's still hard to break the habit of seeing someone.

WE can all know he's bad news. But @droopyears might need longer to come to that realisation.