DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

The ignoring does at least give you the space you’re looking for, Did you talk about him eating/adding to the list/turning up and critiqueing your meals etc in detail? How did he respond beyond the only coming because you want him and he has to eat thing? How would you like this to end up?

He just sounds like a child. Do you really want to be with him? If so can you restrict him to coming over on certain days so you have time to yourself and with DCs. Perhaps one of those days he can bring something to cook or get a takwaway on way to you.

His comment about the game to your DS was mean and childish too.

Why does he have a key to you and your DC home?

He hasn't listened to you , isn't respecting your request for space and continues to push your boundaries.

So he's mooching off two women, you and his mother. I imagine he has a very healthy bank balance. He's a parasite, and an ungrateful one at that!

I'm a bit astounded that he still hasn't acknowledged that he treats your home and food as his own but isn't contributing. If he doesn't get it now, he never will, and this is likely an indication of how entitled and selfish he is in general.

Reading your posts, I can hear the scales fall from your eyes. Good for you for realising, OP.

Really concerned about the fact that he let himself into your house when you weren't there. That is very much not ok. I wouldn't even do that at my parents' place unless they'd specifically asked me to. Someone as petulant and unkind as this man clearly is could decide to do something nasty to your home while you're out, if you continue to not behave how he wants you to.

I had to have a lock changed yesterday, and it cost me £50. I imagine you'll get that money back within a couple of weeks if you're no longer having to feed your cocklodger!

Op, please let me tell you normal dp behaviour as the slightly higher earner knowing that you work full time and have dc:

1. Buys and brings home shopping or orders online (his money) AND cooks, cleans and washes up.

1. If you are ill looks after you and puts your needs first

1. Is kind, considerate and thoughtful every day as the little things count more than the big gestures (not that you get any!).

1. Is a good role model to your dc and his by being a good example of a gentleman so that your dc know what to expect when they have a partner one day.

If none of this rings true for you then you both are being toxic examples to your dc: him by take take take and gettiing away with it for years.

You by give give give and being a martyr and allowing him to act like a man toddler without giving him any boundaries and tolerating and rewarding his unbelievably inconsiderate behaviour.

Just spent a significant amount of time reading this post (an hour early for my appointment).
I can see this type of behaviour in my brothers, the pattern started with my mum and continued with their wives, I think the individual actions separately are annoying but easy to ignore as us women just 'get on with it' but when written down as it is in this post makes this relationship seem toxic. that is not the case for any of my brothers, financially controlling, lazy but very good company, please believe me I am not appointing blame or saying anyone should accept this behaviour it's just very easy to fall into. There are some posts which read as if they are attacking the OP at a time when she's feeling quite vulnerable. I think his reaction when you tell him how his behaviour is upsetting you will give you the confidence to follow the path that's right for you and your children. As for my brothers, I call them out and tell their wives not to accept their actions but they just make a joke and nothing changes. One sister in law feels that she's so lucky to have 'Simon'. I despair.

"I've done nothing wrong. You're always so sensitive "
No no no. Red flag red flag!!!! Honestly he's pushing you and trying to undermine your confidence. He should never have let himself into your home. Will await your thread in 3 months when he's cocklodging.

Sorry you’ve had very negative replies op but I suppose a lot of people are trying to make you see what you can’t.

I’m not for telling strangers to end their relationships but I would advise you to take that space, and also change your locks. If he is happy to let himself in he probably could of copied the key to be honest.

Take some time away, think about what YOU want. When ready have a discussion with him regarding what you want eg end the relationship or new boundaries/way of living if you feel he is worth trying again for.

OP, first thing, think about WHY you have accepted that for so long. He's a rubbish partner, and for some reason you settled for so little. (Because you thought couldn't get any better? Because you have low self esteem? Because you saw your mother being treated like that?). There is a reason, for sure.

Second: he will not accept the boundaries you're setting. He will punish you. Things will be worse (the comment about the game was to punish YOU. And he used your kid. Expect more of that).

For the PP who is surprised he hasn't acknowledged ....

He can't really, can he? His point of view is that women, generally and his mother and @droopyears specifically only really exist as objects to service his needs. Accepting that he has treated both really very badly in return for all their kindnesses would very probably cause him acute cognitive dissonance.

OP needs really, really strong boundaries. I only hope that this thread is providing her with the support she needs to enforce them.

Sadly, as we are seeing, he is not likely to tolerate OP asserting herself, as fact does not fit with his point of view. He is much more likely to look to consolidate his position here

Think about it, who really wants to, as an adult, live with their mother. Having that as a base for his children and OPs house for adult entertainment provided him with a pretty good life at no.cost.at.all. If any part is threatened, like the snacks being limited, he kicks up a stick because he feels entitled to all that he wants.

And why not, no sign until recently that OP wasn't prepared to go along with it.

There are sadly so many of us in the world who put up with this selfish behaviour.

I hope you are OK @droopyears

Ive just read the full thread op. It started of with him sounding like a cheeky fucker to being a total creep.he let himself into your home op after you explicitly told him to give you space and not come over doesnt matter if you were there or not That's him stomping all over your boundaries. He leeches of you and is so brazen that when hes pulled up on it his reaction is to sulk and play victim. Any decent person would be horrified they had taken such advantage and offer a money /food shop ect and an apology. Not him he sulks and is mean to your son. You sound suffocated op. You are totally within your rights to have dinner on your own with your kids, to spend a night star fishing in your bed ect. So hes either a. Really thick and thinks that you are a big meany and hes act done nothing wrong. Or b. Knows exactly what he's doing and using you for free room and board. (think about it why would he want marriage hes got it made as it is) i strongly suspect the latter. Your worth more then this op. Xx

@droopyears

Sorry for late update, DC had sport again and then I sat and helped youngest with homework (which took forever).

I actually managed to have an evening without DP here, although I noticed that when I got back from sport the item he needed had gone (I didn't have time to drop it in the end), so he must have let himself in to get it whilst I was out.

I did receive texts around dinner time which to me felt like I was being guilt tripped. Why don't you want me over tonight? I've done nothing wrong. You're always so sensitive etc. I said that I need some space for a few days and I was basically told that I was being ridiculous and I've been ignored ever since

At least I get to star fish tonight...

Wanting space and own home to yourself is not ridiculous

Wanting a grown man to pay for his own food and snacks is not always so sensitive

Not having to feed or pay for your own dinners every night is what is actually ridiculous.
This man does not want to see that he is doing anything wrong because he simply doesn't care.
He likes his free food and has no regard for your financial situation as a single parent raising feeding clothing etc DC. He himself probably (i hope) pays a small amount of maintenance that doesn't in anyway cover all of anyones DC expenses.
He basically doesn't live the reality of parenting, his mother provides for his DC and you provide for him.
And he's the overgrown child in your house taking from your DC :the cuckoo in essence

You've done really well not to give in to him. You ARE doing well, gradually coming to realise just how bad your situation is. When you're in it, you excuse things you wouldn't think anyone would put up with, it's easier to say 'it's just his way' or 'he didn't mean it' isn't it?

But he's called you sensitive. Bloody right you're sensitive, you're feeling poorly! You want some space! You need to recover without having to take someone who may turn their nose up at meals you've cooked (probably without being able to even TASTE yourself, if you've got a really snotty cold). And he's persuading you that you need him.

Maybe you do. Maybe you love him. That's fine. But he doesn't need to be at your house EVERY NIGHT. You need time, you and the kids.

Even if you can get him to back off a bit it will be a start. Find out how wonderful it is to have 'nights off'. Not have to spend all your food budget accommodating another adult. Watch films with the kids without having to worry about him being bored and eating all the snacks.

Once you've got him to back off a bit, then you can decide. When you can see clear daylight without him standing in the way shoving YOUR food into his face!

God, I literally couldn't be arsed with that kind of behaviour. Needy people are very unattractive. And neediness becomes control freakery.

So this is how he resolves conflict? He insults you over texts (calls you sensitive etc) and then ignores you.

I did receive texts around dinner time which to me felt like I was being guilt tripped.

Hilarious that it was around dinner time. Something tells me Mummy's cooking wasn't up to scratch, not least because she assumed he'd be out leaching off you.

He thinks you're so sensitive but he's the one sulking he wasn't allowed round for his dinner 🙄 🤔 😒 😏

He's a bullying selfish tight arse who puts his own needs above all others... 🌺

I did receive texts around dinner time which to me felt like I was being guilt tripped. Why don't you want me over tonight? I've done nothing wrong. You're always so sensitive etc

Oh @droopyears I do feel for yo. You're obviously very fond of this man, and I totally understand the joys and good things about a non-live in partner (it's my ideal, too).

Could you be a bit assertive about this? Do your normal shopping for you & your 2 DCs. Keep a record of how much that costs.

Then do a calculation of how much extra you have to buy for your notsoDP - or the day on which your normal food shop runs out because of his eating and snacking. Add to that a proportion f the daily cost of energy (heating, lighting, hot water etc).

Show him that he's NOT pulling his weight.

Or start the conversation about him moving in, and the necessary rearrangements of finances that would involve eg paying more Council tax, him paying you rent, or him paying a third of utility bills etc.

See what he says about that, and take it from there ...

It sounds like he's actually moved in without your permission, and he's assumed that you'll look after him as no doubt his mother does.

He needs to engage with reality like a grown up. I'm sure you can find a way to do this calmly and kindly, but firmly

Am I the only one who wishes they could give OP a hug, and make her dinner?

OMg he has achieved the male dream: turned you into his mum!!!! 😬😀