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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP cross there's no food

999 replies

droopyears · 06/10/2020 19:24

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available Confused
I just wanted to vent really

OP posts:
PussGirl · 08/10/2020 22:51

I'd get the locks changed - it's your house so you are perfectly entitled to do that.

He's not going to relinquish the key very easily, and could make a copy you don't know about.

ContessaDiPulpo · 08/10/2020 22:53

Do you have a chain on the inside of the front door? I'd be tempted to get one if not, and start putting it across. He sounds the sort to turn up, let himself in and play the 'Now let's be reasonable, stop being silly' card to try and put you off kicking his arse out there and then. There are a lot of people in the world who play on other people's reluctance to seem like they are making a fuss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2020 23:18

@XiCi

I think it's really chilling that he just let himself into your house after you saying you didn't want him there and that you would drop the item off. Hes making a very big statement there
This. It’s very worrying how badly this man is treating you and how much your boundaries have been eroded. Instead of being concerned for your health, finances and need to have some time alone, he is blackmailing you and entering your home when you expressly forbade him. Please please change the locks.
Gooseysgirl · 08/10/2020 23:49

Change the locks first thing tomorrow

NeonGenesis · 08/10/2020 23:58

It's a bit weird that he let himself into your house when you weren't there after you expressly told him you didn't want him there and that you'd drop his item off.

I would tell him that you need that key back because he's broken your trust. You may even want to change the locks.

Graphista · 08/10/2020 23:59

Wow!

Even from a self serving perspective he's not acting well is he?

Surely even just from the perspective of not wanting booted off the gravy train he should be ingratiating himself!

Not pissing you off even more!

But maybe he thinks this will work, maybe it's worked in the past? Not sure whether with you op or with a previous girlfriend or his mum

Why did he break up with kids mum I wonder?

And yes, I can see when he figures out the guilt tripping, gaslighting and similar isn't working that he may well try "the grand gesture"

Be warned op this may even include...a proposal...

Cos that's what all us pathetic little empty headed and desperate single mums want right?! Errr no!

@RedToothBrush post is spot on!

He's telling you your needs, your wants don't matter, that he completely expects you to always put his needs and wants front and centre at all times!

And you REALLY need to get that damn key off him!

Also agree you need to learn to be comfortable not immediately responding to texts.

It's something I struggle with too, but you are allowed to respond if and when suits you not the other person. We are expected to be way too available and too responsive these days, it's often an issue with bosses too.

People managed perfectly well before modern comms tech getting responses even days later to non urgent matters.

You could even snooze him for a bit it won't actually kill him

@PornStarOvaltini Yes I can just imagine him on his games console with angry metal music playing and a face on with nobody to see it!

NeonGenesis · 09/10/2020 00:00

Ah, I see another poster had the same thought...

PostItJoyWeek · 09/10/2020 00:05

I expect you are thinking it would be an overreaction and escalation to change the locks or demand his key back. I think not. You expressly told him not to come over for the item. You were 100% clear.

He ignored your wishes and waltzed into your house. That was him marking territory. You have to police that boundary. It is not his territory. You have to make that 100% clear. You tried it with words now you have to do it with actions because he escalated the situation.

I would change the lock barrel tomorrow and not mention it. He is supposed to leave you alone for a few days so he should not notice. You would be quite reasonable to send him a message saying you noticed he came into your house when you had told him not to and so you want your key back. Don't mention you having already changed your locks. I bet he will almost immediately try to use his key again to mark territory, i.e. your house, your fridge, your time is his.

nimbuscloud · 09/10/2020 00:05

This is getting worse ...

Jux · 09/10/2020 00:10

@NeonGenesis

It's a bit weird that he let himself into your house when you weren't there after you expressly told him you didn't want him there and that you'd drop his item off.

I would tell him that you need that key back because he's broken your trust. You may even want to change the locks.

Do you think you can say that to him? That he's broken your trust and could you have the key back? Do you think he'll be adult about it, take it on the chin, apologise and ask what he can do to atone? Or do you think he'll stamp and sulk?

I think your answer will be very revealing of whether he's a keeper or

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2020 00:14

I wouldn't ask for the key back. I'd get the locks change and just ghost block him.

He's behaved really badly and he deserves no consideration.

giantangryrooster · 09/10/2020 00:23

Nah, almost 800 posts in mostly saying the same, I think the bf will get a little talk and will revert to old way in a flash. He must have a lot of redeeming features. It's all in the eye of the beholder Wink.

Smudgingpastels · 09/10/2020 00:41

There will be a marriage proposal so legally he can claim your house and assets!

How can you go to bed with someone who is so utterly thoughtless that they never even consider to wash up if a meal is made for them or come to your home empty handed?

He obviously has no concience how rude and entitled that is. What an absolutely dreadful male role model for your dc to witness and experience!

Also op you must realise your behaviour in enabling him to be so selfish and use you is a very poor role model for your dc to witnesss.

Children learn from example. I hope you don't have any sons op!

TracyMosby · 09/10/2020 03:44

Why don't you want me over tonight? I've done nothing wrong.

Seems like he thinks he has a right to be there.

You're always so sensitive... etc. I said that I was being ridiculous He has no respect for your boundaries at all.

AhNowTed · 09/10/2020 04:16

So this guy has been coming to your house empty handed, eating your food for 4 years. No wine, dessert, treats. Nothing.

Nikori · 09/10/2020 04:22

Honestly, if I was spending that much time at someone's house, I'd either bring food or chip in some money for shopping. I would never just keep turning up at someone's house expecting to be fed, especially if they had kids.

Your "D" sounds very selfish. He also sounds quite manipulative in the way he keeps twisting things to make it your fault or your idea when that doesn't seem to be the truth.

MsDogLady · 09/10/2020 06:01

This narcissist believes that he has agency over your life, and that he is entitled to violate your boundaries. He expects you to accommodate and serve his wants and needs, and if you do not comply, he will manipulate and bully.

When you recently set boundaries, he used your son as a kicking post, guilt-tripped and dismissed you as ridiculous and oversensitive, and let himself into your home as a power play. Respect and accepting responsibility are not in his playbook as he fights to maintain the status quo.

OP, there is a malignancy in your lives that needs to be removed.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/10/2020 06:11

XH said I was being ridiculous too. Well, no, I wasn't, but if I had been, it is my right to be ridiculous if I jolly well want to!

"D"P has done several things wrong, and you've told him at least some of them, but that isn't even the point. Being in your house is not a right and not being in your house is not a punishment. In fact (shocking thought coming up) it's not all about him! It's about what you want, for a change. What does that mean, what you want? Are you an individual human being with rights 'n' shit? Does not compute...

Mamia15 · 09/10/2020 06:49

Hope you've muted him in your phone.

Mittens030869 · 09/10/2020 07:06

He has also managed to upset my youngest on the way to the sofa. I bought my DC a new computer game today - a few years old so cheap but he was SO excited. He told DP about it and his response was 'Nobody plays that one anymore' I'm actually disgusted

It's good that you've discovered your anger. He really is awful and now that you're seeing this, you need to use that anger to get rid of him for good.

KatherineJaneway · 09/10/2020 07:09

With every update he gets worse

TwilightSkies · 09/10/2020 07:24

You're always so sensitive etc. I said that I need some space for a few days and I was basically told that I was being ridiculous and I've been ignored ever since confused

Ughhhh hes a dick.
Perfect opportunity to block him!

Esspee · 09/10/2020 07:31

No need for me to add to the consistent message everyone is telling you. I

I just popped in to make sure that you know that with a yale lock you don't need to replace the whole thing. There is a central core to the lock which is easy to remove and replace with another one. You can even swap core and keys with a friend or relative.

Standrewsschool · 09/10/2020 07:33

When you say you’ve been ignored, did you send a text he didn’t reply too? Maybe he was giving you space (good) or maybe gone off in a huff.

Keep enforcing though boundaries!

PullTheBricksDown · 09/10/2020 07:34

You're always so sensitive

This from the man who threw a strop because you didn't have enough snacks in when he came round! Look in the mirror, pal!

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