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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP cross there's no food

999 replies

droopyears · 06/10/2020 19:24

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available Confused
I just wanted to vent really

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2020 14:14

Boy, he's really trying it all to maintain his grip isn't he?

It shows that he's terrified of losing that control he (thinks he) has over you. Know what this tells me? He's done this before and sees the 'danger signs' that his victim is waking up.

I hope there's a way to drop it at his work without actually seeing him. Can you leave it at reception? Put it in his car?

But just don't be surprised if he shows up at yours anyway because he 'was in the neighbourhood' or 'got/found XXX and thought you'd like it' so he's 'just dropping it off' for you. My BFF just got rid of one like this. Told him she needed space and he kept finding reasons to call and come over. Even to the point of trying the doorknob when she didn't answer (thank God he didn't have a key) and even opening the gate and walking uninvited into her back garden looking for her.

If you aren't going to bin him (I would, but your decision) then you need to set some hard and fast ground rules and take back your key.

And do some reading up on controlling men and men who are 'users'. What he's doing is just the beginning.

excelledyourself · 08/10/2020 14:15

I've practically got steam coming out my ears reading this thread.

Stand up to this piss-taker, OP. Please!

Itisbetter · 08/10/2020 14:22

BrewCake
You are being very calm and reasonable

TwentyViginti · 08/10/2020 14:27

@droopyears

I wasn't even aware he had any stuff at mine anyway but there is stuff literally everywhere Hmm
He's moved in. You've only noticed this now. That's how they do it. By stealth.
OhioOhioOhio · 08/10/2020 14:30

This thread is a really difficult read. I hope you hold him accountable.

Daftapath · 08/10/2020 14:30

Please bag up all his stuff and drop it him later.

Can you afford to get the locks changed on your front door? Or can you bolt it from inside and use a different door? (This is what I did when my XH initially moved out and I couldn't get the locks changed.) It was annoying and I had to tell the kids there was a problem with the front door but it worked a treat!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2020 14:42

Just drop it off anyway you don't need his permission OP

Leave whatever it is at reception at his work and text him to tell him you’ve done so.

Either of these. If necessary - change your locks, or at least one of them (say, the front door) and leave the key in the other so he can't get his in..

You really need to stop him coming and going as he pleases. He is walking all over you, and has been unkind to your child. Don't et this happen.

Lozzerbmc · 08/10/2020 14:47

He seems to be acting like your third child?

GilbertMarkham · 08/10/2020 14:54

He seems to be acting like your third child?

The writing things he wants on the food/snack list really gave that impression.

The irony being he already lives with his Mum!

I wonder what he contributes there.

picklemewalnuts · 08/10/2020 14:55

He's like an octopus! He's panicking that you are getting away and he's using all eight tentacles to get back in! As you peel one off, a couple more slide round the door jamb! Grin

RandomMess · 08/10/2020 15:05

I missed your posts where he adds things to your shopping list Angry and Wednesday being the best day of the week AngryAngry

So his Mum does his laundry and hosts his DC.

You cater for him and provide a bed most of the week.

I bet in neither household does he tidy, clean or wash up...

Bet he doesn't even really pay his Mum much board so he has plenty of £ for him and his DC and does f*ck all "wifework" or parenting!

newnameforthis123 · 08/10/2020 15:07

So what's the plan OP? You're being really passive still but it isn't just your home, it's your kids home and he's already upset them. How are you going to stop him coming over later? If he turns up you sound like you'll let him in, which you mustn't do or you're just further reinforcing his control over YOUR home.

You clearly don't want to break up with him (which is absolutely what you should do as he's eroding your boundaries and sense of boundaries) so how are you going to at least stop him coming over today when he's overridden your request for him not to do so?

Notcoolmum · 08/10/2020 15:09

I can see this is a lot to take in. You didn't know you had a problem until a day or so ago. Ans only thought it was he was a bit cheeky with his food demands.

It does seem that he is attempting to override your boundaries. Unless it's life saving medication what can he NEED tonight that can't wait until the weekend? Does he live close enough for you to drop it over before he finishes work. Or simply say no it will wait until the weekend when you might be ready to see him.

It's hard to imagine he's unaware he's eating all your food without contributing. But now you've mentioned it he's. It shown any embarrassment or more importantly shown any sign he is going to make it right. I'd be mortified in his shoes.

Be firm on not seeing him tonight. If he comes for his thing keep him to the doorstep. I had a key for an old bf but I would always ring the door first. Even at my mum and dads I knock on and about before walking in.

Lots for you to consider about this relationship I think. Including him deliberately upsetting your DC.

RandomMess · 08/10/2020 15:11

If you don't want to break up with him then you are entitled to tell him he is welcome over 2 nights per week you will cook one and he can provide the other and clear up afterwards....

He is an utter cheapskate!!!

Meknow · 08/10/2020 15:23

What could he have possibly left at yours that he needs tonight??? Other than his dinner Hmm

Devlesko · 08/10/2020 15:26

I can't understand why women stay with men like this when they have kids.
Do they really think it's a good life for them? They deserve better Sad

billy1966 · 08/10/2020 15:28

Mean, abusive types, that enjoy such an easy gig as the OP provides, won't give it up easily.

He definitely won't want her having any space to think that is why he is so insistent.

The OP clearly has very poor boundaries that this guy has half moved in paying nothing🙄.....but that he is also jealous and nasty to the children is the awful bit.

This guy entering their anytime he likes.

Just awful.

justthecat · 08/10/2020 15:35

Tell him it’s over and change the locks, who’s to say he’s not had a copy made of his key, You’ll feel a lot better if you know he can’t get back in

MollyButton · 08/10/2020 15:38

I would definitely gather up his stuff and either drop it round, or leave on the doorstep, with a note saying Do not Disturb. And even if he has a key do you have a latch/bottom lock or even chain.

Your not feeling well and he's acting like a kid, there is no point in him really - he's definitely not a "P" a bf at best...

FinallyHere · 08/10/2020 15:41

he can’t just not eat when he’s at mine

Interesting that no other solution occurs to him. Anyone else would at least bring his own snacks, decent people would bring snacks to share.

I'm so sorry OP, it must be a lot to take in. Remind yourself that this sort of person targets people who are kind and lovely, and not looking out to defend themselves.

The problem is all about him and nothing to do with you. You deserve so.much.better

Rockinmomma · 08/10/2020 15:46

Some very mean comments hereAngry
OP, update when you can. I’m very concerned he has a key and could just let himself in whilst you’re at work. If he does you’ll have to get confrontational which no one wants, especially with DC involved

Defenbaker · 08/10/2020 15:50

picklemewalnuts posted:

"He's like an octopus! He's panicking that you are getting away and he's using all eight tentacles to get back in! As you peel one off, a couple more slide round the door jamb! grin"

@picklemewalnuts Loving your work! Grin Really conjures up a picture of what this free loading man has been doing to OP.

OP - good luck with detaching his tentacles. Pity you can't detach his testicles as well, might save another woman becoming his next victim.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2020 16:00

Bet he doesn't even really pay his Mum much board

Of course he doesn't!

He only lives with her because she "can't cope" without him.

(She's probably praying that some foolish woman takes him off her hands . . . )

valtandsinegar · 08/10/2020 16:01

Take his key off him and tell him that he can come round when he is invited.

TikTakTikTak · 08/10/2020 16:02

Wow he's audacious isnt he?!
I hope you can find a way to keep him away until you want to see him. If ever.

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