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Original poster

DP cross there's no food

999 replies

droopyears · 06/10/2020 19:24

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available Confused
I just wanted to vent really

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 08/10/2020 12:51

Perfect time to disprove his claim that he's there every night because you want him to be! Send a very clear message back reminding him of last night's conversation and reiterating that you don't want him to come over, you really need to OP because currently your boundaries are being completely ignored and overruled and you can't let this situation continue. Time to show him some backbone, we're all behind you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2020 12:55

When he comes next Wednesday, he can bring the shopping. Send him a list.

averylongtimeago · 08/10/2020 12:56

Well done @droopyears** for starting the conversation.
It is hard to think that someone you are close too is not the person you thought they were. And dealing with a grumpy bloke who is good at sulking and making you feel guilty is doubly difficult.

But he isn't listening to you- well he is, but is twisting things so you will do as he wants.

Listen to what he is telling you:
He doesn't like you concentrating on your children.
He doesn't like it when you don't do as you are told.
He thinks he runs your house
He thinks you should provide what he wants (food, sex, company) when he wants.

It's hard, it won't be easy but for your and your children's sake, don't let him back.

Nanasueathome · 08/10/2020 12:59

I doubt he would pick up a takeaway anyway if he doesn’t like to spend his money on food

Starlight39 · 08/10/2020 13:00

So his response to your perfectly reasonable raising of the food situation is to a) sulk b) gaslight (telling you "it's all your fault as you want me to come over") and c) trample all over your boundaries by surrounding himself with YOUR food and then when you tell him you need space, he totally ignores that. These are not the actions of a good or kind person who just hasn't quite realised he's being a dick.

A reasonable normal person who didn't realise they were eating all your food (I'm not actually sure such a person would exist as it's pretty obvious food costs money but anyway...) would, on being made aware of the situation, immediately offer to split costs or eat at theirs or do something, anything, to make the situation more even. He has done none of that but STILL assumes your food and home is his for the taking, regardless of whether you ask him for space.

If you want to give him a chance then I think this text suggested by Inextremis is really good. It's totally reasonable and how he responds will be VERY telling:
How about - " No, not tonight, like I said, the kids and I need a bit of one on one time together - so how about we leave it until next week, and I'll see you on Monday. Perhaps we could get a delivery dinner and have a good talk about how we're going to share the food costs in the future?"

VettiyaIruken · 08/10/2020 13:00

Take your head away from the wall and tell him no!

OhCaptain · 08/10/2020 13:01

@Nanasueathome

I doubt he would pick up a takeaway anyway if he doesn’t like to spend his money on food
That’s not the point though. He shouldn’t be given the option. He’s been given explicit instructions around OP’s boundaries. They should be non-negotiable.
Heffalooomia · 08/10/2020 13:04

OP says 'I need space don't come round'
He replies 'I'll be round later than normal'
These are weasel words, he's pretending to make a small concession (you asked for space he agrees to give you a little bit of space by coming round later)
But the underlying message is 'I will come round when I feel like it'

lakesidewinter · 08/10/2020 13:04

If you want to stay in a relationship with this bloke you need to be much blunter.
"I cannot afford to keep feeding you, I need you to give me x amount of pounds a week to cover your share of the food bill"
If you want a break from the relationship tell him that.

Heffalooomia · 08/10/2020 13:07

Then again maybe coming round later than usual is meant to be a punishment for you🤔
what I mean is he's trying to gaslight you into feeling that depriving you of his company is a punishment!
he really rates himself doesn't he 🤭

SpaceOP · 08/10/2020 13:09

If you both have kids, why don't you plan when you're going to see each other? I find the whole, "wander in when he feels like it" all a bit odd. When DH and I were seeing each other, but not yet living together, he spent 5 nights a week at mine at least. But there was always some sort of vague discussion about it.

Have you posted about him before and expecting him to feed/entertain his kids when he has them?

RandomMess · 08/10/2020 13:13

Lock your door so his key doesn't work and then you can have a doorstep conversation and not let him in.

He certainly is a cocklodger wannabe!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2020 13:18

Why is it you feel you have no power in this situation?

He's showing you that what you say and what you want mean absolutely nothing to him.

All it takes is one little word; NO.

Don't let him rule your life like this.

Sparkletastic · 08/10/2020 13:22

Reply to his message to say you aren't ready to talk yet and that you will meet him on x day at y time. Recommend you meet him somewhere neutral other than your home.

spookmeout · 08/10/2020 13:28

Errr no!
"I asked for space, I don't want to see you til Saturday.
In the meantime you need to work out what your financial contribution is towards my grocery bill.
The current financial situation is no longer sustainable"

BlueThistles · 08/10/2020 13:28

Bolt the bloody front door FFS .. this guy is WALKING all over you ... you told him you need space and he ignored your needs AGAIN !? Please just double lock your door... 🌺

Sexnotgender · 08/10/2020 13:31

Please don’t let him in tonight. This is your home and he needs to respect your boundaries.

Heffalooomia · 08/10/2020 13:37

He's probably being extra arsey with his mother, who is probably also desperate to get rid of him...

Original poster
droopyears · 08/10/2020 13:38

Sorry I'm not managing to post much, I'm crazy busy at work and my evenings at the minute are totally consumed by DC's sport

To the person who asked, no I've not posted about him before

I did reply to DP to tell him that I want space tonight. He responded and said ok, but then I got a message a little later to say that he has left something (I won't say what) at mine and needs it so he's going to have to pick it up. I can definitely see that's a way of trying to come over, and no doubt stay too. I have said I will drop it off to his after work instead but I've not had a reply to that yet

OP posts:
Original poster
droopyears · 08/10/2020 13:39

He also reminded me that it's the birthday today of one of his close family so am I going to pop over and say happy birthday. Arrrrrrrghh no I'm not

OP posts:
Heffalooomia · 08/10/2020 13:44

Just drop it off anyway you don't need his permission OP
it's just more of you saying 'you can't come round' and him saying 'oh yes I can'

frazzledasarock · 08/10/2020 13:47

Leave whatever it is at reception at his work and text him to tell him you’ve done so.

I’m willing to bet he’ll turn up tonight anyway.

Rockinmomma · 08/10/2020 13:48

Oh wow.. yeah I was kinda an on the fence observer but blimey! He’s probably sat now desperately wracking his brain for an excuse to come round. I wouldn’t answer anymore msgs. Drop said item round (literally leave it on the door step) then bolt your door at home. I get the feeling this guy is going to try EVERYTHING he can to weedle in to your home.

frazzledasarock · 08/10/2020 13:48

In fact bag all his shit up and leave it at his work. Then he has nothing to claim he needs to urgently intrude on you for.

Original poster
droopyears · 08/10/2020 13:48

I wasn't even aware he had any stuff at mine anyway but there is stuff literally everywhere Hmm

OP posts:
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