DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

Put the chain on the door, bolt it. Do not let him waltz in when you have asked for space. Unless he's carrying a few shopping bags.

Tell him no, he's not coming to your house tonight because it doesn't work for you. He's not in control, it's your house ffs! And your food!!
Don't be swayed or guilted because of how much you think your DC like him...they may well be telling you that to keep you happy.

Put yourself in his shoes OP
he approaches your home key in hand unlocks the door and lets himself in, this act tells him:
'this is my home, I am master of all I survey, what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own'
he might not repeat those actual words to himself but this is the feeling that he experiences as he lets himself into your home.

The OP is going to be in a bit of shock here. It's awful when you suddenly start to 'see'.

Shock, guilt, hurt ... all sorts of worries swirl round. It's not a straightforward path from 'seeing' to 'dumped-and-over-it'.

There's the bit in the middle - coming to terms, making a plan, building self-esteem, talking to DC, sticking to the plan, etc.

But remember, OP, there's also hope and freedom at the end of this temporarily difficult path. Good luck.

Why do you want to bang your head against a wall?

YOU can take control. Everyone on here will tell you you can. We all give permission as you seem to need that.

If you want to stay with him own it.
If you want to end things, end things.

What do you want ?

Gosh he's an arse!

What a selfish dick.

He doesn't seem to be listening to you, droopy, you may need to talk a bit louder!

@billy1966

OP, you want to bang your head against a wall. Listen to yourself.

You don't sound like you feel you can stop this nasty man coming to your home.

Have you any idea of how abusive that is?

Have you any idea of how bad it is for your children that you are allowing yourself and your home to be used for his convenience?

He doesn't care a whit for you.

He's nasty to your child.

And you feel you can't say NO to him coming to your home.

You have bigger problems that him eating and demanding food.

Please wake up and put your children, their safety and their home first.

Seek help IRL if you don't feel you can protect your home from someone who thinks it is there, for their convenience.

This. Please read this and take it on board OP.

If he’s a keeper he will recover from a boundary and expectation change. If he can’t/won’t do that then it’s better to see it now. You can choose to keep him, or choose to bin him, but I personally wouldn’t just trudge in feeling disgruntled by his (awful) behaviour.

Is he nice in other ways?

It's very, very important that you don't let him in tonight, '@droopyears.

I'm not saying you have to end things. But you cannot let him just completely disregard your feelings in your own home. You just can't!

You lock the door, tell the kids not to answer it, have a bath and go to bed. Ignore calls and messages (and I think they'll be eye-opening anyway when he sees you not playing ball.)

@OhCaptain

It's very, very important that you don't let him in tonight, '*@droopyears*.

I'm not saying you have to end things. But you cannot let him just completely disregard your feelings in your own home. You just can't!

You lock the door, tell the kids not to answer it, have a bath and go to bed. Ignore calls and messages (and I think they'll be eye-opening anyway when he sees you not playing ball.)

This. It's a test, he's testing you and if you say yes to him coming over or let him in if he shows up, you're showing him he's in charge. Of you, your kids and your home. My god, please don't let him do this it's madness.

Other option is for you and the children to eat your dinner early so that you are just clearing away when he turns up
No need to offer him anything at all

@Minimumstandard

Goodness, he's just not getting it, is he?

Text him "Sorry, tonight doesn't work for me. I'll see you another time". Then bolt the latch on the door and have an early night with the DC. Oh, and get a lock for your cupboard or hide the food if you let him come round again.

Yes he is 'getting it'

He's choosing to ignore the OP in her own home!

@droopyears - are you going to tell him he's not welcome at present?

I really don't understand why you're being so passive.

Oh he gets it.

He totally gets it.

He just doesn't give a shit.

The OP, and her home and food is for him to use.

He actively doesn't like and tries to prevent here having 1 on 1, with her children.

He is so nasty.

The OP sounds afraid of him.

I feel so sorry for her children.

He’s obviously deliberately filtered out your request for space, hence the message about his hair.

He’s hoping (predicting) that you will like him forget about last night and carry on as you normally would.

It’s up to you now @droopyears. I would tell him to stay away (again) and that if he does come over, you will not be letting him in.

@droopyears he’s not a very nice man and you deserve more.

@droopyears

For me, it depends how he says these things. If it's just moaning then I don't think it's that bad, loads of men are used to their mothers cooking for them and used to being 'catered to'. If his tone is actually nasty or contemptous though, that's a big red flag. You'll know which it is I think.

Aside from that, it's absolutely not on that he isn't contributing financially and with cooking or housework.

I think if his tone is nasty, split up with him.

If it's just moaning, then I think you absolutely should have it out with him and set down expectations that he contributes to the food.

You need to tell him very clearly that you need space.
That you want a partner who contributes. Yes if he's around he needs to eat food, but he doesn't have to assume you'll always provide it. Why hasn't it occurred to him to contribute?

He needs to respect your need for quality time with your DC, respect your home, and respect your right to some alone time. Not impose himself, use all your resources, sulk and upset your DC.

If he can't even manage to have a calm conversation about being a proper partner then it's hopeless

droopyears this is where you really need to repeat that you want space and that he is not to come over tonight, and that when he does come over (at a time of your choosing), you will be discussing his contributions to food costs in your household.

He's testing you. Stand firm.

I suspected he knew exactly what he was doing by rocking up and eating all your food and not contributing, because he has clearly lived independently in the past and is therefore aware of the cost of food, but this absolutely confirms it. Sorry OP, I couldn't have any respect for a man who knowingly sponges off his own mother AND a single mum and is happy to see the latter going without because of it.

OP please be practical. Think of the things you could buy with the money you will save not feeding him!

Does he bring anything good into your life? If so, could you have that with him or someone else but without that person eating you out of house and home, and disrespecting you, and stopping your one to one to one with kids?

@SunshineCake

Why do you want to bang your head against a wall?

YOU can take control. Everyone on here will tell you you can. We all give permission as you seem to need that.

If you want to stay with him own it.
If you want to end things, end things.

What do you want ?

At this stage of the thread, I think OP just wants to grumble at her situation here. 26 pages of livid-on-OP's- behalf posters, with not much input from OP herself.

Another option would be to tell him you’re having takeaway tonight.
Send him a list of the things you and your DC want and tell him to pick it up on his way over

@REignbow

He’s obviously deliberately filtered out your request for space, hence the message about his hair.

He’s hoping (predicting) that you will like him forget about last night and carry on as you normally would.

It’s up to you now @droopyears. I would tell him to stay away (again) and that if he does come over, you will not be letting him in.

@droopyears he’s not a very nice man and you deserve more.

This.

He hopes you will get fed up of arguing and challenging and will back down rather than assert your boundaries.

Its conditioning you not to stand up for yourself because he doesn't acknowledge it and instead tells you its YOUR problem not HIS fault.

Op, you need to say ‘I’ve TOLD I want some space, I do not want you to come round tonight.’
Just tell him. If he turns up, get your locks changed. He’s obviously not getting the message.

@Nanasueathome

Another option would be to tell him you’re having takeaway tonight. Send him a list of the things you and your DC want and tell him to pick it up on his way over

No because she made it clear that she wants a few days space.

That doesn’t include him coming over, takeaway or not.

@Arrivederla

Say no, I don't want you to come round today - I've asked you for a bit of space. Keep saying it. Under no circumstances let him in.

He is walking all over your boundaries here, op.

THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS!

PLEASE - don't let him tell you when he's coming round.

And don't let him put this "You wanted me here - I'm doing it for you" cr*p on you. (I'll bet he's said EXACTLY the same to his mother, while living rent free at her home.)

Tell him - No, you want a few days to think things over. Make an arrangement if you want, that he comes round on (say) Wednesday, but not before.

Give yourself time to think, and to realise what you are doing to your children and yourself.

After all you have said - he STILL didn't offer anything towards the shopping, or to pay for takeaways once a week or anything? You heed rid of him. He'll destroy you.