DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

he implied that he was there every night because I wanted him there and he can’t just not eat when he’s at mine.

Lol.....nice. So he's doing you a favour by spending time with you and visiting your house is he?

Have you ever refused to spend time at his house or something? I'm asking because his response to all this is quite odd. Where does he live? How long does he travel to get to your house? How often has he offered to cook you dinner at his?

he has got comfy in his routine and has trained you to accept what he wants.

That's the situation in a nutshell.

@EarthSight

he implied that he was there every night because I wanted him there and he can’t just not eat when he’s at mine.

Lol.....nice. So he's doing you a favour by spending time with you and visiting your house is he?

Have you ever refused to spend time at his house or something? I'm asking because his response to all this is quite odd. Where does he live? How long does he travel to get to your house? How often has he offered to cook you dinner at his?

He lives with his mother.

He's not listening to you and he has no respect for your wishes. You need to be more blunt about your boundaries, I'm afraid - just tell him he's not welcome to come round tonight. Last night, you had to resort to hiding upstairs in your own home just to have a break from him, and he didn't taken the hint and sod off, but rather sat on his arse eating all your food. You know this isn't right.

Did he not even acknowledge his lack of contribution to the food shop? At best, he's immature, selfish and thoughtless. At worst, he's a sexist prick who knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it because women only exist to serve him.

I wish that on Wednesday when he was "so excited" for food shop day (I've never known anyone get excited like this) you went "oh good, I'll text you the list, since you're going"

Or just didn't get anything in, and ordered pizza for DC, so there was nothing for him to snack on 😂 keep letting him strop about lack of food and tell him to buy something if he wants it.

@droopyears

I took DC to their sport last night, for some reason DP wanted to come too. DC wanted him there so I agreed. Got back after and I decided to watch a film with my youngest in their room with them as wanted some 121 time. Once they were asleep I came down and DP was moody and surrounded by a load of food that he’d helped himself to out of the cupboard. I started to talk to him about the food situation and that it couldn’t continue and why, and rather than discuss it like an adult he implied that he was there every night because I wanted him there and he can’t just not eat when he’s at mine. I know most of you want me to get rid immediately but I told him that I want a few days space as I’m feeling smothered and his response was to get annoyed at me and bugger off home. Didn’t hear from him until just now to say that he’ll be over a bit later than usual today as he’s getting his hair cut. I want to bang my head against a brick wall

Here's not hearing you say.

"the food situation is not ok" his response is to darvo it and twist it back to being your responsibility to feed him "because you want him there".

Thats
a) not how it works. Its not up to you to pay for food on every date
b) you've explicitly been saying here heres crowding you and you aren't getting time to yourself as you'd like.

Heres also not hearing you say
"i need space"

His response is instead to TELL you he's coming over not ask if you would like him to come over.

And then theres the going to your sons sporting thing following you around like an escort. Is this cos he's bored - cos you certainly didn't ask him if he wanted to come - or is this cos hes suddenly keeping tabs on you or doing to good step dad routine the second you have an argument.

Tbh his response in twisting it around to suggest hes just doing what you want and therefore you must feed him is manipulative enough.

You arent going to be able to reason with this and he will soon have you questioning your own sanity not wanting to bang your head on a brick wall, because he will always 'win the argument' by making out he's not in the wrong and you are and be unwilling to take responsibility for himself (by paying his way) and will not respect your boundaries or what you are saying.

Ask him to arrange to come around rather than just turning up and i bet, he will a) get very angry about it cos he thinks your house is his home already b) will turn up anyway.

Test it.

This guy has more red flags than a spanish bullfighting championship.

He could he have less respect for you OP, or your children.

You say you want space, he completely ignores you.

Are you afraid of him?

I think you need to think about YOUR children.

They are more important than this nasty man who's USING their mother.

Couldn't have less respect for you OP*

How about - " No, not tonight, like I said, the kids and I need a bit of one on one time together - so how about we leave it until next week, and I'll see you on Monday. Perhaps we could get a delivery dinner and have a good talk about how we're going to share the food costs in the future?"

@droopyears I know it's easier to end things online than in real life but I really am genuinely concerned about this nasty side he's showing.

He was cruel to your son. That can NEVER be accepted or tolerated. Ever.

The food thing isn't just a food thing. He's showing his true colours. His meanness is escalating.

Now he's playing the control thing with silent treatment.

Honestly, I know when you're in a situation it's hard to see the wood for the trees but keep in mind that people on here are seeing the clear picture because we're not in the middle of it and because we haven't spent time being conditioned to accept this shit from him.

I know you feel he is a keeper, OP. But could you atleast tell him to pay a certain amount for 'room and board' and ask him to shop and cook half the time he spends at yours... And stick to it?

You are just too nice, spare your head from the wall banging, he is not worth it .

@Inextremis

How about - " No, not tonight, like I said, the kids and I need a bit of one on one time together - so how about we leave it until next week, and I'll see you on Monday. Perhaps we could get a delivery dinner and have a good talk about how we're going to share the food costs in the future?"

This is a good reply (and more grown up than the one I'd write!).

Fuck this, send him a massive list of groceries including food and cleaning stuff and anything else you can think of, tell him to pick it up on his way to yours as you're out of everything as he's used it all.

Tell him also he owes you whatever half the bills have been since he moved himself in and he can bring the cash when he sees you tonight.

He is a cocklodger, he will not leave without a fight.

Text back that you need some space and will see him next week when you’ve had a think.

So will you reply to say no you won’t, we’re having a few days space like I asked?

so last night, he sulked again because you spent 1-2-1 time with your child.
And then he pulled all the food out of the cupboards and feasted

Nobody is saying he shouldnt eat - thats a typical abusive response - to go from one extreme to the next - because of course then he wants the reply that 'of course he shouldnt not be eating' and the frame of the conversation has shifted.

But the issue isnt simply that he is eating all your food. Its that he is not contributing to the cost of it, is not helping equally to prepare it, he is not helping to clean up after it, and he is acting in an entitled way regarding what you cook and buy, rather than acting with gratitude that you are giving him a meal he hasnt had to make himself.

Also he is not allowing you quality time with your children whilst insisting on it for his own.

He is also not acknowledging the extra costs of him being at your place all the time he isnt with his kids.

and he is sulking in your home and taking out his moods on your children.

He's just gaslighting you all the time, he speaks as if he has an absolute right to do what he wants, as if he's the boss.
you tell him you need space and he just says he'll be over later than usual, he completely ignores you
I would stop engaging with him and change the locks or lock the door from the inside, don't let him just let himself into your home, this is what gives him grounds to ride roughshod over your wishes.
Take his key away
That key is the key to his domination!
I repeat, take his key away, take back ownership of your home and your territory.

OP, I know this is really hard for you as you are in the middle of the horrible mix of realising you are with someone who does not respect you or your feelings, is unkind to your children and who isn’t the many you thought he was going to be.

He is showing you how little he cares about you by his responses to you. And as for saying he comes round every night because it’s what YOU want, well, I wanted to come round and read him the riot act

Do you feel able to text him back and say ... you are ignoring my wishes. I have asked you for space so please don’t come round here tonight expecting to be able to come in. (I am hoping you can lock the door from the inside, leave the key in the lock or whatever so his own key won’t work). If and when I decide I want to see you again, I will text you. Please don’t contact me in the meantime, I won’t be responding.

Does he need the key?

Keeping him out of the house will be the first step towards you being able to regain some control, and give you time and space to think about everything.

He's a Cock lodger
you're flattering him, a cocklodger at least would offer good sex in return for his bed and board

OP, you want to bang your head against a wall.
Listen to yourself.

You don't sound like you feel you can stop this nasty man coming to your home.

Have you any idea of how abusive that is?

Have you any idea of how bad it is for your children that you are allowing yourself and your home to be used for his convenience?

He doesn't care a whit for you.

He's nasty to your child.

And you feel you can't say NO to him coming to your home.

You have bigger problems that him eating and demanding food.

Please wake up and put your children, their safety and their home first.

Seek help IRL if you don't feel you can protect your home from someone who thinks it is there, for their convenience.

@Inextremis's message is good. Send that.

I wouldn't be surprised to find he shows up tonight though anyway, possibly making some lame remark about how he hadn't seen the message. Be prepared to say 'No, I'm going up to bed now for an early night, I'll see you another time' if so.

The 'but YOU want me there' is a total red herring. Even if it was true that you'd said it (and it doesn't sound like you did). If I suggest to friends that we go to the pub or cinema together, that doesn't make me obliged to pay for their ticket or buy them drinks all night!

Ask him when he does HIS food shop. That will be telling. I suspect he'll say his mum does it. In which case he should pay his share of yours. Or if he says, for example 'weekends' then he can include food in that to bring over to yours! We all have to budget for food, why should he be any different!

Wow he's a stubborn, determined git isn't he?!

He does NOT get to TELL you he's coming around regardless of your wishes.

Text him clearly that he is not to come around at all over the weekend, including tonight, that you need a break and don't even want to hear from him.

To be honest throughout I've thought the only way to deal with him is to dump him but you seem to need to work yourself up to that however he behaves.

He really seems to believe he has total rights over your entire life.

I'm also concerned that you haven't answered myself and others asking if you're scared of him.

If you are and have reason to be then you can and should involve the police in removing this cockroach (excellent word for him from pp) from your and your children's lives

@droopyears

I took DC to their sport last night, for some reason DP wanted to come too. DC wanted him there so I agreed. Got back after and I decided to watch a film with my youngest in their room with them as wanted some 121 time. Once they were asleep I came down and DP was moody and surrounded by a load of food that he’d helped himself to out of the cupboard. I started to talk to him about the food situation and that it couldn’t continue and why, and rather than discuss it like an adult he implied that he was there every night because I wanted him there and he can’t just not eat when he’s at mine. I know most of you want me to get rid immediately but I told him that I want a few days space as I’m feeling smothered and his response was to get annoyed at me and bugger off home. Didn’t hear from him until just now to say that he’ll be over a bit later than usual today as he’s getting his hair cut. I want to bang my head against a brick wall

Op it's ok to repeat yourself until he gets the message. Seriously reply with the same conversation you had last night, be a broken record. "as I said last night in regards food etc etc and feeling smothered I'd like some space and in future we need to spilt the food bill or you eat before you arrive and bring own snacks" You can do it op don't let his ignoring of the situation stop you from asserting yourself