DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

@Itisbetter

A lot of posters women have been where the OP and it does not get better. A talk does nothing with this kind of bloke The kindest thing for the OP is to tell her this and hope she gets some support from friends With the greatest respect and I do understand that you feel an “expert” having your own niche lived experience, none of what you say is fact. You don’t know the individuals involved and have no idea what the future hold for them. It REALLY doesn’t help to have a baying crowd of people on the internet demanding you press the red button on your relationship and framing any other course of action as pathetic/poor mothering/naive/cowardly. Some relationships are unworkable, some can be salvaged but all are better finished after discussion.

@Itisbetter I'm not demanding anything. And I didn't say I was an expert. I certainly say she was pathetic or cowardly. And I don't think she is at all. So your greatest respect isn't really respect is it? I am giving an opinion just like you. Is wish I had mumsnet around years ago. People who have been there can give advice if they want. Your opinion is to talk. I am saying as women we are conditioned to talk, to be the mother to a grown man when we are being treated like crap instead of actions.

You don't WANT to dump him, despite everything, do you?

Actually your post @Itisbetter to me was really uncalled for.
Using the word ' niche'when you don't know my experience or my life is pretty shit.
Woman go through all sorts of shit, pretry life changing shit, how dare you call it niche.

I’d second asking him to give you space.

Then I’d also suggest you go thro your expenses, food bill, gas, electricity, water and see how much it’s gone up recently compared to before your P started staying over.

Then I’d suggest you bill him for backdated expenses and ask for him to pay half of household expenses.

Personally I’d get rid, because he’s behaved very disrespectfully towards you. I can’t get how he is rude to you and your dc and yet remains stubbornly in your home.
I have a very low tolerance having lived thro an abusive marriage, any man who makes me miserable is not worth being in a relationship with imo.

So your greatest respect isn't really respect is it?
I am giving an opinion just like you.

I’m respectfully disagreeing with you and the tone of other posters on the thread, in response to your posts. I’m allowing that our experience is different and that you have highlighted that you feel you know about this more deeply/keenly as you have direct experience of what you feel is a similar relationship. I’m not sure why that’s caused you to respond as you have.

People who have been there can give advice if they want.
Your opinion is to talk. I am saying as women we are conditioned to talk, to be the mother to a grown man when we are being treated like crap instead of actions.

Correct 🌺

Never mind the advice, OP. Just go back and read YOUR posts.

Now imagine a DD of yours being in this situation and posting your posts. What would you advise her to do?

@Itisbetter

So your greatest respect isn't really respect is it? I am giving an opinion just like you.

I’m respectfully disagreeing with you and the tone of other posters on the thread, in response to your posts. I’m allowing that our experience is different and that you have highlighted that you feel you know about this more deeply/keenly as you have direct experience of what you feel is a similar relationship. I’m not sure why that’s caused you to respond as you have.

@Itisbetter
You weren't respectfully disagreeing with me. There was no respect there calling it niche. I would shout my experience from the roof tops if I could if it stopped a woman going through similar shit. Woman have to talk about their experiences a lot more to know they aren't alone. Even if it's not the same but similar it can help. Doesn't mean she has to take the advice but it's there. And she def isn't a coward. She's strong for posting in the first place.

Not going to argue with you as I'm sure this thread is about the OP.
Let's leave it there.

I agree the respect is definitely waning and “leaving it there” sounds an excellent plan.

Well done for beginning to stand up for yourself, OP! Ignore any comments questioning your parenting, they're ridiculous

I wasn't suggesting the op is a bad mother and I apologise if my post came across like that.

Op it's clear you love your children and strive to put them first, which is why it's so sad that you felt you had to minimise his hurtful words to your youngest.

When we do this it invalidates the child's feelings, and effectively tells them it's okay to be mean to people as long as its a "joke".

I post as both the child who has experienced this, and a mum who made similar choices in the past and now bitterly regrets it.

I hope you're okay this morning OP. I know some of these responses must be very hard to read, but I think that's because we're all angry on your behalf! As a PP said, we don't know either you or him, but right now I'd be more than happy to come over there and empty my cat's litter tray over his head!

How did the talk go?

I hope it all works out for you @droopyears but suspect when you pull him up and ask for a contribution he will end the relationship. (That's probably in your favour!)

@pog100

So why is he on your sofa and not out i6f the door? Seriously OP I don't like the pile ons and bullying here sometimes and I'm loathe to join in but you MUST put an end to this. You, and it seems your children now, are being treated like shit by someone who has no right at all other than the possession of a penis. Please get rid!

Can we give op the time she needs to process this, instead of judging her for doing what YOU want her to do?

When you know you need to end something, it is hard, and op probably doesn't want to do it 1] in front of her kids and 2] when she is about to eat dinner.

instead of judging her for not doing what YOU want her to do?

@Itisbetter

Some of the posts on here are really mean and not really much support for OP. OP has a relationship with this man. He is part of her children’s lives. I’d reset the things that aren’t working rather than going nuclear. A bit of space and a rethink.

You aren't seeing things clearly... he is controlling at best... op needs to get out, not "talk and reset" over coffee.

So he moved In With his mum because she couldn't cope but he's at yours every night. He sees his kids every other weekend, presumably at his mums?
This 36 year old man child has the life of Riley! Why would he change anything?

I took DC to their sport last night, for some reason DP wanted to come too. DC wanted him there so I agreed. Got back after and I decided to watch a film with my youngest in their room with them as wanted some 121 time. Once they were asleep I came down and DP was moody and surrounded by a load of food that he’d helped himself to out of the cupboard. I started to talk to him about the food situation and that it couldn’t continue and why, and rather than discuss it like an adult he implied that he was there every night because I wanted him there and he can’t just not eat when he’s at mine. I know most of you want me to get rid immediately but I told him that I want a few days space as I’m feeling smothered and his response was to get annoyed at me and bugger off home. Didn’t hear from him until just now to say that he’ll be over a bit later than usual today as he’s getting his hair cut. I want to bang my head against a brick wall

Say no, I don't want you to come round today - I've asked you for a bit of space. Keep saying it. Under no circumstances let him in.

He is walking all over your boundaries here, op.

He’s just decided that he’s going to turn up and pretend nothing happened.
Now you have to decide.
Either tell him no he’s not to come over as you told him last night or accept that he is going to walk all over you as usual.

He's testing your boundries now OP, to see if you will go back on the needing space comment.

Yep this is a test OP.

He's deliberately not listening to you. He's not a nice man, is he?

Question is, are you going to roll over?

Goodness, he's just not getting it, is he?

Text him "Sorry, tonight doesn't work for me. I'll see you another time". Then bolt the latch on the door and have an early night with the DC. Oh, and get a lock for your cupboard or hide the food if you let him come round again.

What he's doing is ignoring your concerns and wishes. I don't know if you've read all the replies here, but him having a key means in his head, your home is his, and he can come and go as he pleases.

He wasn't contrite over the food issue, or offered any solution?

He was surrounded by your food when you returned from your DC as a way of showing you who's boss.

Op, well done for starting the conversation with him. As a pp predicted unthread, he will be difficult to budge - he has got comfy in his routine and has trained you to accept what he wants.

I would immediately message back and tell him not to come over this evening and not to come again (forever) until you invite him to do so. This is your hone, your space and it is up to you when someone comes over and when they don't.

Keep growing those balls op now that you have started to see him for what he is. The normal response to you saying to him what you did last night would be to be mortified that he had inadvertently put you in that position and made you feel smothered. Instead he was sulky, stormed off, didn't speak to you. All that is him punishing you (esp when he was so nasty to your child which is unforgivable in my book) and to try to get you back in line. He is now brushing your feelings under the carpet because they don't matter to him.

Be strong now!