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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP cross there's no food

999 replies

droopyears · 06/10/2020 19:24

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available Confused
I just wanted to vent really

OP posts:
Monr0e · 07/10/2020 22:04

OP, you sound really downtrodden and as if you have no say in this relationship, but you really do.

You say you never get 1-1 time with your children? Do you think they want 1-1 with you? Because I'm certain they do. But you are putting the wishes of this manchild cocklodger before what you know is best for them. Some quality time with their mum without his constant presence.

Pretty sure you would be a lot more relaxed and happier without him around so much too. And if he doesn't understand your need to spend time with your kids without him then surely that tells you all you need to know about him and how much or little he cares for you and your DC's.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/10/2020 22:07

I said to my DC that DP was joking about the game

Why did you lie? Has he effectively made you feel you had to gaslight your own child?

Denying, minimising or excusing an adult's shitty behaviour is really unhealthy for a child. Your children need to know that you have their backs.

PostItJoyWeek · 07/10/2020 22:08

Sulking. In a house where he is a visitor. Good god he is an entitled dickhead isn't he? Didn't occur to him or you that he should leave at that point. He thinks he lives there and can act the dickhead at will, while having his life subsidised by you. Sod that.

TwentyViginti · 07/10/2020 22:15

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I said to my DC that DP was joking about the game

Why did you lie? Has he effectively made you feel you had to gaslight your own child?

Denying, minimising or excusing an adult's shitty behaviour is really unhealthy for a child. Your children need to know that you have their backs.

It's quite common for women in thrall to men like this to minimise and cover up the bad behaviour of said men. It can help justify why they stay with them.
yetmorecrap · 07/10/2020 22:16

Thing is OP there are guys who latch onto single mums, they think they will be greatful on the company and I would say extra cash (but you aren’t getting that) . This guy sounds a deadbeat — you should Lovely , move on, the right person will be desparate to help you out. My friend was a lovely single mum and her partner used to bring over bags of shopping to help her out even when they didn’t live together and help her out with bills. (And he certainly wasn’t desparate- good looking professional and never married)

LightUpLetters · 07/10/2020 22:16

I have a feeling he’s not going to go quietly...

RedToothBrush · 07/10/2020 22:17

@LightUpLetters

I have a feeling he’s not going to go quietly...
This.

Hope the OP is ok.

MotherofTerriers · 07/10/2020 22:22

If you weren’t feeding him you could buy up to date games for your children. How dare he be so horrible to a happy little kid with a new game. He’d be out the door for that

billy1966 · 07/10/2020 22:28

A real beauty, OP spending money that should be spent on herself and her children feeding this mean scrounger eating at her house and giving out that the food and snacks aren't up to scratch.

Why do women allow this to go on and not see how low their relationship bar is.

Poor children in the midst of it.

A mean nasty piece of work.

Giraffey1 · 07/10/2020 23:24

Time to take back control.
You can do this.
He is stopping you from having your best life with your DC.
Time to tell him it’s not working for you. You don’t want him coming round any more. He is to return your key, today / now.
You don’t want to see him any more.
If he asks why, tell him you are fed up with his selfish ways and lack of consideration and respect for you. It isn’t up for debate.

MintyMabel · 08/10/2020 00:01

have zero social life as every penny I have gets spent on them

Except for the extra food you've been unwittingly buying for greedy DP, you mean?

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 02:02

@droopyears

I will be talking to him once DC's are in bed. I might as well go all in and bring up the other thing that's been bothering me too. When he has his DC, he has quality time with them (I leave him to it). When I have my DC, he is always here too so I feel like I don't ever get any 1-2-1 time with them. I'm sure that will go down like a lead balloon too but oh wellConfused
Well tbh if it goes down badly then you have an easy chance to get him out of your life for good.

I hope he hasn’t talked you round OP. His negative comments will really damage your kids over time. And You really deserve better. You sound like you look after everyone but yourself. Ditch him and put all this love and generosity into YOU!

REignbow · 08/10/2020 02:44

I say this kindly, But why didn’t you ask him to leave when he sulked over the food this evening or when he was mean to your son?

He’s an entitled arse and you need to be very assertive with him, as it doesn’t sound like you will finish with him (although l think that you should).

Get him to give you back your key, tell him he can come over on x days and tell him that he can buy a take away once a week for you all.

londonscalling · 08/10/2020 03:12

From experience, get your key back AND change the locks too. He may have got another key cut. If he then knows you've had the locks changed it proves he's tried to get in with his possible other key!

OhioOhioOhio · 08/10/2020 05:20

Yeah that thing he said to your son about the computer game was uncalled for and nasty. Sorry op but you have to get rid of him.

KatherineJaneway · 08/10/2020 05:34

I hope your talk went OK OP?

Anniegetyourgun · 08/10/2020 05:49

Please note that a lot of the advice on here is from women who've been there. They've been drawn in by the same sort of charming, sneaky fellow who knows a good woman when they smell one and how to appeal to her nurturing family-making side. (I may or may not count myself in that... but at least my ex was the father of my children and would have given them his last penny, not that he had many pennies.) Thus many are not blaming you because they know how easy it is to get sucked in. Don't feel embarrassed, but feel you have the right to reclaim your life and space.

At the moment I'm guessing he seems important because he's the nearest thing you can get to a social life, some adult company at the end of the day instead of being either alone or in child-caring mode. But he's also at least part of the reason your social life is so curtailed. He's poaching your precious time as well as your scarce cash and food. He should be adding more than a smile and a male presence (like, wow?) at the end of the day. Adult conversation, well, "where's the snacks then" doesn't really qualify does it?

Itisbetter · 08/10/2020 07:25

Some of the posts on here are really mean and not really much support for OP. OP has a relationship with this man. He is part of her children’s lives. I’d reset the things that aren’t working rather than going nuclear. A bit of space and a rethink. Brew

Aerial2020 · 08/10/2020 07:47

@Itisbetter
A lot of posters women have been where the OP and it does not get better.
A talk does nothing with this kind of bloke. The kindest thing for the OP is to tell her this and hope she gets some support from friends.
He's part of her children's lives but he is damaging her children's lives and he will continue to do so. He is taking their mothers time, energy, money for a very unequal relationship.
A bit if space and rethink to realise what type if man he is yes, not to continue with this.
He is a cockroach. The fact hes got a key doesn't surprise me. He sees it as his house too. There are no boundaries.boundaries.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/10/2020 08:03

But why didn’t you ask him to leave when he sulked over the food this evening or when he was mean to your son?

Yes, that. I understand he has managed to make you feel like he is the king of the castle. But he's not. He's a guest in your house. If he is rude and sulky, what gives him the right to sit there and ruin your evening?

WiserOwl · 08/10/2020 08:08

It takes a while to digest unpalatable truths though.
The fact that op didnt frogmarch him to the door doesnt mean that scales arent falling from her ey3s.

WiserOwl · 08/10/2020 08:09

He has a key? Oh no :-/

Itisbetter · 08/10/2020 08:09

A lot of posters women have been where the OP and it does not get better.Hmm
A talk does nothing with this kind of bloke The kindest thing for the OP is to tell her this and hope she gets some support from friendsHmmHmm
With the greatest respect and I do understand that you feel an “expert” having your own niche lived experience, none of what you say is fact. You don’t know the individuals involved and have no idea what the future hold for them. It REALLY doesn’t help to have a baying crowd of people on the internet demanding you press the red button on your relationship and framing any other course of action as pathetic/poor mothering/naive/cowardly. Some relationships are unworkable, some can be salvaged but all are better finished after discussion.

picklemewalnuts · 08/10/2020 08:14

TwentyViginti

EvenMoreFuriousVexation
I said to my DC that DP was joking about the game

Why did you lie? Has he effectively made you feel you had to gaslight your own child?

Denying, minimising or excusing an adult's shitty behaviour is really unhealthy for a child. Your children need to know that you have their backs.
It's quite common for women in thrall to men like this to minimise and cover up the bad behaviour of said men. It can help justify why they stay with them.

I don't think that's fair. Op is just coming to terms with a side of her relationship she hadn't noticed before- because he has quietly sidled his way across polite boundaries.

She's trying to preserve her son's enjoyment of his new game, not protect the bloke. A nasty 'joke' is easier to explain than a complicated 'he's upsetting you on purpose to get back at me'. The kid's a bit young for 'tortured relationships 101'.

Rockinmomma · 08/10/2020 08:14

I’ve been in your situation OP and no they don’t change, might do for a few days but normally men like your DP are happy and content as they are and, as others have stated, there’d be another single mum after you. And the thing is there are a lot of women who do want this type of relationship, being depended on and mothering their partner. It’s fine if you want that in a relationship. The question is do you want that? If not you’ll just become more and more resentful towards him, you’ll dread him coming round and will slowly lose your resolve to speak up because you’ll think ‘What’s the point?’
I’d ask him to give you a few days on your own and reflect on how you truly feel about him and the changes you want to see. Arguing won’t solve this, tantrums won’t solve it. Get some time to yourself and if you miss him? There’s your answer. I wish you well OP, I’m sure PP have given you a lot to think about

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