DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

Take back the key! I have NEVER given a man a key to my home. Not. ever. Giving a man a key is saying 'Mi casa es su casa' and you may end up in a situation just like yours. DH didn't get a key until we were engaged and he 'formally' moved in shortly before the wedding.

I still don't understand why you haven't asked him to go home. He's already sulky and pissed off. Why would you think this is a good time to discuss your (valid) issues with him?

Just tell him to f**k off!

Of course he has a key! they always manage to get a key. It helps with the conditioning of the woman that her home is now his.

Yep.

I knew he'd have a key.

This guy has the playbook and is using every trick in it on the OP.

He won't take being confronted well.

Then he'll do the bit make up routine. And OP will buy it.

And he'll do the same thing all over again before the OP realises.

And when she does he will have already fully moved in and she will find it even harder to give him the boot.

This guy is text book.

Look at how many posters here are saying it.

What did you actually say to him op?

you gave him a key and you dont understand why he now seems to be in control of YOUR home
you handed him control when you handed him the key
Wise up!

I feel like I don't ever get any 1-2-1 time with them
this is deliberate, he keeps up a constant presence so he can monitor all that you do and you always feel under scrutiny:(

jeepers what a situation

Maybe get the locks changed next time he’s got his kids?

YOU CAN DO THIS! 💪 We’re all rooting for you.

@Heffalooomia

I feel like I don't ever get any 1-2-1 time with them this is deliberate, he keeps up a constant presence so he can monitor all that you do and you always feel under scrutiny:(

Yep. They also get jealous of time you spend with your DC. They want to be the priority. He will suffocate everything in your life.

He has been living his best life... what a charmer Time for him to get his marching orders! He needs to hand over his key and familiarise himself with his own kitchen again.

Start asking him to babysit and cook dinner for the kids and popping out to a friend's. That will soon shift him.

Just think how nice it will be to have your home back and just your DCs to care for.

I hope it goes well OP.

Just to repeat:

You don't feel like you and your children have privacy in YOUR OWN HOME.
You have someone walking in on days you don't feel like company in YOUR OWN HOME.
You are feeding someone who has keys to YOUR OWN HOME but isn't prepared to contribute to it.

This isn't YOUR home. You have a cuckoo.

When I have my DC, he is always here too
he makes sure that there are no secrets from him, he wants to control the relationship between you and your children b/c he needs to manipulate them, use them as levers to pull, if you behave he is nice to them if you dont he puts them down with sarcasm etc

He doesnt need a conversation. He needs to go.

This is sounding more and more like he is conditioning you Op. The food was only the start.
My senses went off before and the more you write I recognise,as do other posters, the signs.
He saw you as a target. He's now checking your boundaries and soon it will increase. This is how abuse starts.

Please get your key back. Please don't let him move in officially.

Op, I can completely understand why this has crept up. You are a nice person and generous by nature and he has taken advantage of your kindness. It is often a small example that alerts you to the fact that the give & take is all one sided.

He obviously has got a sense of entitlement, which is reminiscent of a teen. I can imagine my teen saying similar about food but he wouldn't sulk if I corrected him because he would know he was out of order. He would apologise because he values our relationship.

The sulking is the major red flag and indicative of his lack of accountability. It is also the biggest predictor or future behaviour.

I think you sound like a wonderful mum btw and I am sure you will take whatever action.
Sadly these men often can't change, their sense of entitlement is so ingrained. I am sure he would be telling his mum you broke up with him because he had a snack..prepare for him to twist the truth.

For those of you wondering - I said to my DC that DP was joking about the game, and once DC had gone back upstairs I said to my DP that I was furious he had said that and it was a really twattish thing to do. Cue more sulking. Also, I don't claim benefits so no risk associated with that

There's no reason for you to stay with this man.

There are lots of reasons to break up with him.

Why on earth are you still talking to him about this instead of ending it?! He's vile, he treats you like a maid, your house like a (free) hotel and also is overstepping boundaries with your kids, speaking to them like he did tonight.

Come on OP, you can talk to him all you like but he's clearly not a suitable partner, he's a selfish freeloader who is making you sad and anxious not happy.

What's it going to take for you to see him for what he is? You deserve better.

I am actually quite upset reading your posts. You sound amazing - really switched on and a great mum. And this total cocklodger has taken advantage. Sulking - just yuk. No contribution to food, bills, time - just selfish. Please no more.

He's actually settled into that comfy space as "your third child".
Has he asked you to do his washing yet, or buy him socks?

I'm hoping your chat tonight will end with either him never coming back or, at the very least, some very clear boundaries with a minimum of him buying his own snacks and contributing to any meals. But really... get rid. I know that's hard because you might worry about finding someone else but you are worth a lot more than this guy.

Please tell us he's not staying the night? Time to establish some boundaries with this CF, set nights, no turning up unexpected, no key, contributing to food bills, helping with cooking/clearing up.

You sound such a lovely person and he's taking the piss. It's the boiling frog scenario, but now that you have started to feel the heat you can address it and put him back in his place. What do you see in him?

I hope you’ve had the conversation op. I think you should bin the manchild but if you haven’t, he better be not there every night, turning up with shopping once a week and cooking dinner, paying x per week for food and bills and leaving you quality time with your dc. At a minimum.

He lived on his own then moved back in with his Mother

I’ll bet his mother runs after him, cooks, cleans and so on. He thinks you’re like his mother, but younger.

You sound really lovely OP and your kindness has been totally taken advantage of. It’s really telling that when you make a mild protest about his behaviour as thoughtless or selfish, his response is to flounce and sulk.

So childish. You deserve better from him.