DP cross there's no food

[droopyears]

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available
I just wanted to vent really

Yes use nanny0gg’s message.

If he says “sorry to hear that, I’ll bring over a takeaway/dinner”, you know it’s salvageable. But if he moans that he hates going to the supermarket and cooking his own dinner, then you either need to tell him to step up or ship out.

I guess I've not really noticed until recently just how much of my food he eats? And the mini strop he had tonight took me by surprise.

I don't want to say much as it's not the nicest being called things like pathetic

Being a ponce is pathetic.

[quote droopyears]@isthismylifenow It used to be 2 or 3 nights a week but without me really noticing he now seems to stay most nights unless he has his DC. During the week he goes straight to work, no food or shower, but if he’s at mine at the weekend then yes he eats food / uses water etc

Thank you - I wasn't expecting anywhere near so many comments on this, it seems to be a much bigger problem than I actually realised [/quote]
You’ve done nothing wrong

You weren’t supposed to notice why he was doing

But you have. Now you know

NOW it would be wrong if you allowed this to continue

If I were you (I’m a little bit of a wimp sometimes) if tell him that I’m ill and I don’t want him coming over for now.

That then would buy me some time, I’d make sure to be busy/ill at the weekend and then say that I wanted to cool things off as it’s become a bit of an expectation and an expensive one at that, that he’s over every night and expecting full bed and board and that I’m a bit a strapped for cash until payday now so any afford to feed another mouth on top of everything else. To be specific, adding things to a shopping list without offering to pay? Out of order! Moaning there is no food without actually bringing any - ditto.

Then his reaction would be telling.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Indeed they will and already are. You are providing the blueprint for their future relationships here.

He targeted you OP and I have no doubt about that at all. He likely met you when you were in a low place yourself?. If so he honed in accordingly. Cocklodgers also tend to target single mothers because they think that the woman is so desperate for a relationship and or male company she would put up with any old shit.

Sadly, this scenario is played out on here so many times.

This cocklodger is really at the top of his game, though, adding items to OP's shopping list!

I've felt pretty poorly last night and today so my plan is to try and bring it up tonight. He did wake up this morning and say 'best day of the week, Wednesday!'. When I asked why, he answered 'it's food shop day' angry

Haven't RTWT, but this is a really inappropriate (and odd!) thing for an adult to say, especially one who doesn't live with you and who can bloody well do their own food shop. It's the sort of thing my 2-year old says when we go shopping. "Yay, shopping, can I have cake?". He's sort of put himself in the position of being another grown-up child for you to pay for and look after...deeply unattractive!

It's easy to see how this has happened so don't blame yourself. You're a kind and hospitable person so naturally you'd share whatever you're cooking with your DP. I'd do the same in your position. But he's causing you financial problems and meaning you're short on food for your DC so it has to stop.

Personally, I'd take the cowardly route and pretend to be ill for the next few days just to get a bit of space. Then I'd start texting asking him to bring dinner or pick things up at the shop. I'd also tell him that you're having financial difficulties and start serving really cheap food for a little while (basics and value options). I'd also cut down on the snacks or hide them away for your DC. At this point, a decent person would offer to contribute. If he doesn't, then you have a decision to make.

FWIW I wouldn't be surprised if he literally hasn't thought about it because he's used to women looking after him,

Wouldn't be at all surprised - he could be so self-obsessed and chronically entitled that he is totally oblivious.

Prepare for some defensive aggression and blame-flinging, OP

So I'd be asking if he's going 'yeah food shop day' whether this means he thinks he's moved in because guests don't talk about 'food shop day'. And if he's talking about food shop day - in which he's gets feed as an expectation - then its about bloody time he puts his hand in his pocket and pays for it.

Anything less than "oh yes of course" in terms of complaints or huffing and puffing tells you he KNOWS he's taking the piss and freeloading and is unacceptable.

Personally, I'd take the cowardly route and pretend to be ill for the next few days just to get a bit of space. Then I'd start texting asking him to bring dinner or pick things up at the shop. I'd also tell him that you're having financial difficulties and start serving really cheap food for a little while (basics and value options). I'd also cut down on the snacks or hide them away for your DC. At this point, a decent person would offer to contribute. If he doesn't, then you have a decision to make.

Minimum's suggestion is much less confrontational if you are feeling too anxious to take the bull by the horns, OP. But you may prefer to bring everything out into the open and sort it for good and all.

Do whatever is best for yourself - but make sure the message gets through to him somehow, because it is an awful example for your children, and very bad for you - particularly now that you are aware of what is going on. It will eat away at you.

I have just read your comment about him being pleased it's food shop day.
It's always easy to think of the right response later - but ffs it made me cross on your behalf!
I hope when you go shopping you buy all the things you and the dc like, that he doesn't.

NannyOgg gave good advice earlier- see how he reacts if you say you're too poorly to shop and cook- can he do it for you. That should tell you everything you need to know.

OP this isn't your fault
What is good is that you've seen what's happening and you have come on mumsnet for others to agree it's not right.

He has targeted you and is taking advantage
I can't see this being salvagable because a talk is not going to make any difference. He does it on purpose and knows you won't fight back as you've been worn down by him.
No responsible adult would need it explaining that you don't treat your girlfriend this way. He doesn't care. He gets all that he needs. Food, sex and lodging.

Start by saying no
Or if that is too much , try saying one night you are too busy to see him. See how he reacts. Tell him you're not cooking tonight and see how he reacts.
Think of well you would be without this dragging you down.
You don't need another child to look after
Think about what future you would like.

Also expect an annoyed response at being called out on this. This is a typical reaction to being confronted with the fact that he has been (hopefully unintentionally) sponging off you. Weather this and get passed it. It will be his first reaction. If he doesn't then reconsider and apologise then he never will. He should want to correct this and be embarrassed. If not then that tells you just as much.
If you can get passed this use it as an opportunity to establish equal responsible in the relationship and stop being like his Mum.

Do you know roughly how much extra it's costing you to feed and house him per month? If this is a regular thing it might be worth saying to him that since he's been staying over more often you've noticed it costs you x per week more in food and bills. Work it out beforehand, and then you can tell him if he plans to carry on eating and staying at yours then he needs to contribute x per month to the pot.

Plus he also needs to start to cook and clean.

It sounds like he is taking advantage of your good nature. I can see why you are shocked now you have suddenly realised how much you do and how much he expects. He seems to have moved in by stealth without taking any responsibility.

I suppose you have to evaluate how much the relationship means to you and how you want it to continue (if you do). As he's effectively moved in he needs to contribute both financially and practically. Or he goes back to being a guest which means he turns up at prearranged times. And I would make sure they are after meal times

I bet he doesn't pay much if anything at his Mum's either. And 'helping her' means letting her skivvy for him and his kids when they are there.

And he earns more than you. What a knob!

'Yay it's food shop day today'

'Yes it most certainly is, it's your turn to do it, the list is on the table, you'll be doing this and paying for it once a fortnight going forwards' 'oh and you'll be cooking and washing up Monday's, Wednesdays and Fridays' we can go 50/50 on takeaways on the weekend'

Smile and hand him the list.

@LilyLongJohn

'Yay it's food shop day today'

'Yes it most certainly is, it's your turn to do it, the list is on the table, you'll be doing this and paying for it once a fortnight going forwards' 'oh and you'll be cooking and washing up Monday's, Wednesdays and Fridays' we can go 50/50 on takeaways on the weekend'

Smile and hand him the list.

Dont forget to add that he must get everything on the list, his perogative if he gets extras, but everything he buys is fair game for everyone

Yeah even if OP works out how much he should give her, that's kinda a side issue.

Of course he knows. He has a brain.
She has been targeted.
The money isn't the main problem, though it prob adds up, it's how how treating her.

By giving him a list , she is still mothering him.
It's her house. He shouldn't be there all the time.

He'll buy the odd take away but other than that no he doesn't contribute

Selfish-arsed, lazy, grasping cocklodger.

I mean really - what do you see in him? He sounds awful.

Good luck with your talk later. Hope you’re feeling better.

[quote droopyears]@isthismylifenow It used to be 2 or 3 nights a week but without me really noticing he now seems to stay most nights unless he has his DC. During the week he goes straight to work, no food or shower, but if he’s at mine at the weekend then yes he eats food / uses water etc

Thank you - I wasn't expecting anywhere near so many comments on this, it seems to be a much bigger problem than I actually realised [/quote]
As mentioned by a PP, if you are claiming benefits as a single person you are in danger of breaking the law.

if you are claiming benefits as a single person you are in danger of breaking the law

That could be a very good reason to ask him to come around less.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. Lots of us slide into situations and then take a step back and realise it wasn't a good move.

1. he can't live there if you are claiming benefits so less than 3 nights a week it is.
2. he seems to have forgotten that you aren't running a boarding house. He can't put in for the mortgage but he can at least bring over takeaway once a week and provide wine and snacks if you do dinner. He's been thoughtless, not necessarily malicious: I suspect that if it were done callously he would be more covert. Good luck with the chat.

I hate to say this OP but these types(cocklodgers) don't change.

He's got his feet well and truly under your table.

I really think you can do better than him.

Cocklodger.

The money you spend feeding him is money you should be spending on yourself and your children.