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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP cross there's no food

999 replies

droopyears · 06/10/2020 19:24

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available Confused
I just wanted to vent really

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 07/10/2020 12:54

Fizzygreenwaters message is brilliant.

OP, you are obviously a kind and generous person, and it can be a shock to realise that someone who is supposed to love you, has taken advantage of that.

Good luck with your chat. I would take this as a bit of a red flag though. He's been happy to ponce off a hardworking single mum. Hed better be bloody ashamed tonight and not try to excuse his behaviour, or get cross, or make out you are being petty. It's a big deal. If he doesnt immediately apologise for his thoughtlessness and come up with a fair contribution, think it all over. And he should cook sometimes. Hes got his cake and eating it at the moment. Minimal Bill's and 2 women looking after him. What a baby.

picklemewalnuts · 07/10/2020 12:58

Good luck droopy, and ignore the grumps. You've only just realised what's happening, and it's a big deal to process and work out a plan.

OhioOhioOhio · 07/10/2020 12:59

Yeah. He's being treated like a guest when he clearly isn't. I've met loads of man children like this. For me it's the fact they allowed me to be treated by them like this. I couldn't get past it. Think of all of the extra money you'll have for your own family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2020 13:03

You feel poorly? Perfect. Send him your entire shopping list for the week and ask him to do it on your behalf. The only acceptable answer from him would be to agree, buy and pay for everything. If he either kicks off or expects to be reimbursed, you have the confirmation you’re looking for as to how he sees you and the future of your relationship. Not that I think you need confirmation....

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2020 13:04

I also meant to say, think how much money you feeding him has allowed him to save. It will be in the thousands.

summerfruitssquash · 07/10/2020 13:08

I had an ex like this once, sponging off you without even realising it, one of the many reasons I’m glad he’s an ex!

StormTreader · 07/10/2020 13:10

He must be saving a fortune buying himself no food, AND you shop for it, cook it, serve it, wash up afterwards, and then presuambly sometimes sex as well!
No wonder hes been coming round more and more, why wouldnt he since he gets the whole lot for free?

MadinMarch · 07/10/2020 13:11

I wonder how much he saves each month? How much do you save OP?
He's a cock lodging tightarse but at least you've realised that now.
It's not just the money, it's the fact that he never cooks or washes up himself.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you talk to him about it. It's indefensible!

TeamLannister · 07/10/2020 13:14

Shameless greedy bastard! If he finds the idea of a food shop so fucking exciting he should treat himself by getting his own!!
He sounds very childish.

workhomesleeprepeat · 07/10/2020 13:14

He is such a sponger OP! He should be ashamed of himself always coming to yours to basically take food you have paid for.

I would ask him to contribute - if he has an attitude about it then I would have to have a serious chat or reconsider the relationship. It’s really not ok what he is doing!!

Heffalooomia · 07/10/2020 13:16

Droop, ignore the haters ☝️🤨
most people on here want to help you to be happier and have a better life 💗🦋

REignbow · 07/10/2020 13:17

So he’s virtually living with you and has moved in via stealth....

He does not contribute to anything....and YOU still take it in turns to buy a take aways Angry.

Please, please show your DC, that you can be kind and generous but you’ll not stand to be taken advantage of.

Personally, every time you post, I’m unsure if you continue with this relationship.

He has no respect for you and is literally stealing money that could be used on your DC.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 07/10/2020 13:18

On AIBU you are expected to notice an issue, go nuclear and end your relationship within a few hours OP. It's a brutal board and I can see this just wasn't what you were expecting.

I'm glad you're going to bring it up and it makes sense to do it in a calm way, when you're ready.

My advice would be to decide what you want from him so you know exactly what you feel is fair before you discuss it. Do you want him to come around less? Do the food shopping every few weeks? Pay a weekly amount to you towards the food?

Once you've figured that out, I wouldn't tell him what you want straight away because his attitude to the issue is going to be very telling. Anything other than a sorry and some sort of plan to address it would be unacceptable to me.

FWIW I wouldn't be surprised if he literally hasn't thought about it because he's used to women looking after him, but that's based on similar things occurring with my friends and the men they date.

Heffalooomia · 07/10/2020 13:21

I would just tell him that you don't feel as if things are fair and ask him what he thinks, he might think that you ought to be feeding in in return for him entertaining your children, then you can have a conversation about whether this is reasonable or fair, etc.
Try not to be defensive, just state the facts and say you want a relationship where things feel fair to both of you.

newnameforthis123 · 07/10/2020 13:22

What's your plan as to what you're going to say @droopyears and also what you want to get out of the discussion?

For me personally his attitude for the last however long would mean i would definitely be dumping him but of course only you can make that decision.

I think you need to consider what you want before you speak to him so you don't end up getting talked around with meaningless words.

He really has shown you that he's happy to take advantage, sulk and be ungrateful. It's important to remember that even if he promises to change that, it's who he is naturally when left to his own devices. Most of us wouldn't dream of being that way just because we could get away with it, because we aren't greedy, selfish and arsey naturally. Please do try to remember that when you're speaking to him. This is who he is.

SupremeDreamz · 07/10/2020 13:28

Hope your cold clears up soon OP.

Yeah, this guy should be offering to chip in if he is over at yours so much and has so many meals etc. out of a food shop.

Heffalooomia · 07/10/2020 13:31

I agree with newname, it sounds as if his default setting is to take advantage and expect other people to look after him (after all he does live with his mum 😶)
he might be able to stay on his best behaviour for a while but then he will drift back to his 'natural self'😕

Angelina82 · 07/10/2020 13:32

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Grobagsforever · 07/10/2020 13:35

Good luck OP, remember your DC's will be learning from how he treats you

pointythings · 07/10/2020 13:43

I can understand why this thread is upsetting you - this is your normal, it has crept up on you over time and you were just at the stage where you had a 'hang on, this isn't quite right' moment. And here you are, everyone is telling you quite forcefully that no, it isn't right at all, so you've had to make a leap from where you were.

However, this morning's comment it's food shop day really ought to bring out the anger in you. I hope it does and I hope you can be firm with him, because this man is sponging off you in a massive way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2020 13:46

Indeed they will and already are. You are providing the blueprint for their future relationships here.

He targeted you OP and I have no doubt about that at all. He likely met you when you were in a low place yourself?. If so he honed in accordingly. Cocklodgers also tend to target single mothers because they think that the woman is so desperate for a relationship and or male company she would put up with any old shit.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/10/2020 13:46

Op are you afraid of him?

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2020 13:50

[quote droopyears]@isthismylifenow It used to be 2 or 3 nights a week but without me really noticing he now seems to stay most nights unless he has his DC. During the week he goes straight to work, no food or shower, but if he’s at mine at the weekend then yes he eats food / uses water etc

Thank you - I wasn't expecting anywhere near so many comments on this, it seems to be a much bigger problem than I actually realised [/quote]
Message him to say you still don't feel all that good, so you'll not be shopping today and you're going to have an early night with the kids.

Therefore it's not worth him coming over.

See what reaction you get to that.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2020 13:53

Yes, please do speak to him tonight. You'll be able to tell a lot about him by his reaction.

And please don't let some silly fear about 'being alone' stop you from doing the right thing for yourself, your children, AND your finances! To many women (and I suppose men, too) but up with shitty behaviour just for the sake of being 'coupled up'. But it's better to be alone than wish you were!

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2020 13:54

My goodness I have fat fingers today.

TOO many and PUT up with.

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