Page 13 | DP cross there's no food

droopyears · 2020-10-06T18:24:01+00:00

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me. He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday. He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available [confused] I just wanted to vent really

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 07/10/2020 07:55

Oh he sounds horribly entitled.

It must be awful to have this dawn on you after years of it slowly creeping up.

I wonder if he financially benefits from living with his mum too - saving rent and possibly pocketing a bit of her pension saying he's buying groceries then eating solely at yours.

Nobody should call you pathetic though - it's really brave posting on here.

OldBean2 · 07/10/2020 07:59

OP, firstly congratulations on recognising this. Next you need to decide what you want to do, what will make you and your children happy.

If you decide to keep him then you have to have a conversation about money and that his visits are an expense to you and you cannot keep subsidising his life at the expense of your family. Take a look at your budget and remove his costs from it, not just food but hot water, your time, transport etc. Then ready yourself for conversation and show him why you cannot be expected to cope with an extra adult in the house without recompense.

JimmyJabs · 07/10/2020 08:01

Also, I wouldn't set much store by the fact that your kids like him. They've merely spotted a kindred spirit and they probably see him more like a sibling than a potential step-parent. I mean, he adds his fave yummy snacks onto your shopping list, he gets excited about what he's having for his din-dins, he throws a tantrum when he's hungry and you haven't provided him with food - he's basically one of them, isn't he?

Dashel · 07/10/2020 08:12

I always ask myself how would things be if things were the other way around? Would you be going to his house (assuming he had his own place and had dc living with him) and eat his food, expect him to cook and clean up all the time and not bring food or money or help?

Most relationships go from the initial stage of cooking for a date and doing all the legwork to sharing the cooking and cleaning if staying at each other’s and then onto buying shopping for each other, sharing food costs to moving in together and splitting things.

You seem to be in the very early stages and even as a student I would have been offering to help cook or wash up after the first few meals and then unless we were alternating houses I would be talking about how to share the cost if it was a regular occurrence

CandidaAlbicans2 · 07/10/2020 08:13

I just don't know how I've not noticed all of this before

These things happen so gradually don't they which makes it easier to miss. As you said, it didn't start with him eating at yours every night, it happened over time, and it's only ramped up in the last few weeks. If he's a good guy (but one lacking self-awareness) then it may be that it's gradually creeped up on him too, that he didn't set out to take the piss, and doesn't appreciate how much he is now as it's become the norm in your relationship. Or he might know exactly what he's doing, doesn't give a shit, and has no respect for you.

The way to find out is to have a frank conversation with him about it, saying that from now on you want him to contribute, both financially and in labour, to the meals he eats at yours. If he's anything other than sorry and embarrassed for how he's behaved then you know what type he is.

Zebedd333 · 07/10/2020 08:15

I estimate he must be costing you £25/£30+ per week

You could be spending or saving that for your children !

He doesn't even help to wash up

He has no positive points that I can find

TwentyViginti · 07/10/2020 08:18

@JimmyJabs

Also, I wouldn't set much store by the fact that your kids like him. They've merely spotted a kindred spirit and they probably see him more like a sibling than a potential step-parent. I mean, he adds his fave yummy snacks onto your shopping list, he gets excited about what he's having for his din-dins, he throws a tantrum when he's hungry and you haven't provided him with food - he's basically one of them, isn't he?

Yes! he's basically another kid you provide for.

Itisbetter · 07/10/2020 08:21

Now you’ve noticed just change it.

MoonJelly · 07/10/2020 08:21

This is one of those frustrating threads where OP keeps adding bits of information which put her partner in a worse and worse light, but won't answer queries about what she said to him when he had a go at her or what she plans to do about it. OP, please don't be that type of poster.

Franticbutterfly · 07/10/2020 08:23

@droopyears

He has dinner at mine most evenings but no he doesn't ever really bring food with him.

That's called having your cake and eating it too!

differentnameforthis · 07/10/2020 08:27

@MoonJelly

This is one of those frustrating threads where OP keeps adding bits of information which put her partner in a worse and worse light, but won't answer queries about what she said to him when he had a go at her or what she plans to do about it. OP, please don't be that type of poster.

Op doesn't owe anyone any information that she doesn't want to give.

If you don't like her posting style, ignore the thread. Don't be the kind of poster who demands answers from someone who has just had their world turned upside down.

Wheytaminute · 07/10/2020 08:27

You can do better OP

This guy is living his best life - while you (and his DM) are looking after him.

Dump.

IJustWantSomeBees · 07/10/2020 08:31

Ah I'm sorry he's treating you so badly. don't feel bad that you didn't notice before, its very socially accepted that women give more than men do in relationships and the gradual build up of behaviour is often intentional precisely to ensure that you don't notice! I would, however, highly suggest changing your situation now that you are aware that he is behaving poorly; you deserve much more than a man who simply uses you as his wait staff and gives you orders in your own home

SRS29 · 07/10/2020 08:39

@droopyears

It does seem to have crept up on me. I've been noticing recently that I'm running out of food earlier than normal but didn't really put 2 and 2 together. Sometimes I'm having to top up mid week when I never used to have to. It used to be dinner maybe 3 times a week but when I think back over the past month or so it seems to be nearly every night.

I guess we buy about the same amount of takeaways. He earns slightly more than me.

He made himself some toast tonight, and then started talking about the food shop tomorrow, wondering what I'm going to buy. And now I'm sat here starting to feel irritated that he appears to be excited about what I am going to buy (and him eat)

Are you actually his mother? get some self respect and move him on...jeez....

2me2u2u2me · 07/10/2020 08:40

@Heffalooomia

Is he really good-looking with an amazingly hot body and really really good in bed?

Even if he was I'd still dump the CF !

MzHz · 07/10/2020 08:41

This isn’t good

This is very worrying actually

He’s come over unannounced when you have a cold and could just do with flopping into bed.

The shopping list, the fact you’re running out, the never helping cook/clear, the complaining about what you’re cooking, the total lack of contribution

It’s a form of control all this.

I’m sorry love, this guy needs to be told to step right back.

I think it needs to be potentially permanent. I can’t see his level of entitlement ever changing.

Fundamentally he doesn’t value you in the right way. I don’t think he respects or likes women

PullTheBricksDown · 07/10/2020 08:45

At least give yourself some space by texting and saying your cold is still bad so not to come round tonight.

I would go with @TitsOutForHarambe's approach

I would directly tell him that you've noticed that your relationship has fallen into a pattern of him coming over most nights, eating all of your food and then not even offering to do the dishes. You think it's time for a change. If he has a problem with that then dump him

picklemewalnuts · 07/10/2020 08:57

Thing is, best case scenario and it's entirely unintentional and innocent, then you've found yourself parenting a man child. It's a real turn off. It's hard to be attracted to someone you have no respect for.

HomeTheatreSystem · 07/10/2020 09:00

OP, I suspect the scales are falling from your eyes and you're starting to see him for who he really is.

What does he do that shows he respects, values and cares for you?

I agree with @CandidaAlbicans2 post: have a chat with him and see how it goes. How he reacts will tell you all you need to know.

Meknow · 07/10/2020 09:36

Op from today on you are to only provide meals for yourself and your children. Start putting you your finances and your family first.
Eat earlier if you have to, have dinner at lunchtime in work and only cook in evening for your DC.
If this man is still around he provides for himself or eats elsewhere and adds his own snacks to his own list that he buys himself.
No more of this free for him bullsh1t
He's a grown man taking/stealing food and resources from your dc!

He can fuck off with his behaviour over the lack of free snacks and free food from the free all expenses paid overnight hotel stay he's been getting at yours

Teana89 · 07/10/2020 09:38

@Gooseysgirl

He's treating your place like a hotel. You are enabling the behaviour by allowing it to continue. Get rid.

Except this cock lodger isn't paying. He really has it made. Lives with mummy, so probably doesn't pay rent, bills or for food there. Then comes to OP for a shag and more food. What a life.

EarthSight · 07/10/2020 09:39

@droopyears

He has dinner at mine most evenings but no he doesn't ever really bring food with him.

He has dinner at mine most evenings but no he doesn't ever really bring food with him

Does he do or pay for other things? How unbalanced is the relationship, exactly?

Without knowing if there's anything to counterbalance what happened, seems like he's already treating you like a housekeeper/chef/mum and you don't even live together! Most likely he'll only get worse if you do start living together. I can imagine him demanding 'Why isn't the floor hoovered'?, without ever thinking that it shouldn't solely be your responsibly as you are both adults working full time I presume.

What's his relationship with his mum like? How does she treat him?

MrsHSW · 07/10/2020 10:43

Just think what you could be doing with the time & money he is taking from you?!

Doesn't belive in marriage ... huge red flag.

Find someone better for you and your kids - you can and will find someone who will treat you as you deserve.

Get rid, he is a total scrounger who is taking you for a ride.

BlueThistles · 07/10/2020 10:52

He's gives nothing ... he adds nothing to your life OP.

Takes plenty though right ..

Livandme · 07/10/2020 10:52

Ask him to contribute if he's eating so much. Sounds like he's enjoying his free meals and snacks too much.
he needs to man up